How to handle grandparents visit when baby is born
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Anonymous
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I am a FTM. We are expecting in a few weeks. We have no family in the area. Both sets of grandparents live out of town (one is 2 hours by plane, the other lives in California). FIL is not coming to visit baby, he says he will meet the baby when baby is older (probably high school knowing how often FIL visits). DH's siblings are not planning to visit any time soon.
Anyhow, we have a large house with one guest room. My parents would like to stay in guest room, and MIL would probably stay in a spare bedroom on an air mattress. The problem is I don't want any of them staying with us after the baby is born. They are not supportive, and I do not have a positive relationship with MIL. They would expect to be hosted and treated like guests, with us cooking/cleaning/catering to their needs, and I will not be up for that a few days after birth. Neither would rent a car, which would be a problem too, because we live way out and it would be too difficult to carpool to and from the hospital. I mentioned staying at a hotel to my parents and they were highly insulted. But I know that they will expect to be catered to and I won't have the energy, and then they will be upset because they won't be treated like guests. I have not mentioned staying at a hotel to MIL but she would like be highly insulted as well, as she has never liked it when we stay at a hotel when we visit her (because I don't like staying with her). How to handle this? I am getting stressed already. I was thinking 3 days at the most for the first meet the baby visit. I don't want any family in town when the baby is born or a few days after. Then if they want to come for a longer visit a few months later, that would be okay. |
Anonymous
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Don't invite them. Wait until you are comfortable and set up and mentally prepared to deal with them before inviting them. And I certainly would not have all of them at once, talk about overload.
Seriously. My ILs came after our baby was born. And they sound similar to your parents. Every day at lunch time they would look over to me and ask me what I was making for lunch. Same question at dinner. I was maybe 3 days post partum and barely getting anything into myself to eat. We have two living areas in the house, and they would.not.leave the one I was in for me to sit and nurse the new baby. And if I got up to go to the other living area, they would follow me. They even tried to follow me into our bedroom when I tried to escape there to nurse. Knowing what I know now, I would have declined their offer to come "help." |
Anonymous
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Tell them if they are going to come right after the baby is born, they need to stay in a hotel and rent a car and plan to have short visits each day with you and the baby but otherwise be self-sufficient. Tell them flat out that you need to recover, and you know you won't be able to do things to their standards.
If they won't stay in a hotel, and you know they're not helpful, invite them to come visit when the baby is somewhere around 8-10 weeks old. You will still be tired, but you'll be past the 6-8 week recovery period after birth, and you may welcome the chance to let someone else hold the baby while you cook. Hire a housecleaner to come right before their visit so you don't stress yourself out, and keep it low-key. Have DH take the time off when his mother visits so you are not alone with her. |
Anonymous
| It's completely reasonable to tell everyone that you would like them to stay in a hotel. We have a wonderful relationship with both sets of parents and still asked everyone to stay elsewhere. YOU ARE THE MOM, you get to decide. Period. |
Anonymous
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OP - BTDT. My biggest piece of advice would be to get DH on board RIGHT NOW, 100%. After baby arrives you will be BUSY and it will be his job to play bouncer/social secretary.
We set a strict policy. NOBODY IS WELCOME UNTIL WE CALL YOU. We called our parents in the first day or so home, other friends/relatives after maybe a week. Even then, guests had to leave before dinner (DH's idea). That killed any notion of staying with us, and allowed us time to just learn to be a family, which is hard enough. DH also was quite comfortable saying "Okay, thanks for visiting, here is your coat" and "Let's reschedule, today is turning out to be a not-so-good day for visiting." I can guarantee that without DH's support and willingness to be the bad guy, I would have lost my mind. |
Anonymous
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If they insist on coming and you don't have the time/energy for a fight let them
Stay at your place but don't make it easy or pleasant. Easier said than done but they're assuming they are welcome. So, let them start but-- tell DH to pick up takeout ONLY FOR YOU AND HIM; do not have fresh towels and sheets for them (if they want such things, tell them where the washer/dryer are); and rest/sleep/breastfeed the day away. Keep baby with you and keep bedroom door shut. If they need to get somewhere- TAXI. Ain't your problem nor DH'S. again easier said than done but it will be the last time they do this to you. |
Anonymous
| Agree with others. I allowed some family- totally screwed up BFing schedule. They would not let go of the baby. |
Anonymous
This. We had our parents visit almost immediately after the baby was born, and they were awesome and helpful (made meals, bought groceries, etc.) but even then you have to be on the same page as your spouse regarding the visit--length, what to do if parents are making life more difficult, etc. My husband could even tell when I wanted my baby back and would get her from whoever was holding her for me. When you know in advance that your parents are going to make life harder, it's even more important. And you will be tired and anxious and you will need your spouse to be willing and able to run interference and stand up for you and the baby. |
Anonymous
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i think just having a baby is one of those hall passes to be totally selfish with what works best for you and your family. not what is best for your parents or inlaws or anyone else.
i think you should insist on the hotel and rental car for both your parents and inlaws. and be clear with them that you won't be able to cook and clean when they visit. i think its ridiculous that they would expect to be catered to immediately after having a baby! for me, i told them no visitors for the first two weeks and no one was staying with us (we didn't have any space to host anyone anyways). my mom wasn't thrilled with the idea and she kept asking to come sooner but i stood my ground. i wanted that time with my baby and my husband. we don't have family in the area and everyone insisted that we would need the help but we really just cuddled up in the house for two weeks. my husband was off for a bit and then worked from home. sure it would have been nice for someone to run to the grocery store or pick up take out but it wasn't anything we couldn't handle. everyone thought i was crazy for not wanting help but i'm just more independent and knew that was what would work best for me. it doesn't sound like your parents are going to be much help to you so its not like you are missing out on having the extra hands for cooking and cleaning that a lot of grandparents provide. |
Anonymous
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If you don't want them coming right away then don't call when your in labor. Call on once the baby is born and you are settled in your recovery room. It will likely take them 24 hours to get to you since they are flying at this point you might be on your way home from the hospital.
Tell them they will need to rent a car, you will not be able to pick them up at the airport or drive them during their visit. Do not cook, order take out & have DH stock the fridge with milk, cereal and fruit. |
Anonymous
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OP, tell everyone that there won't be any visits for the first few days/week/whatever. You need to get your feet under you as new parents, and you will need to recover physically. The first visits, when they do come, should be short (long weekend). Have MIL and your parents come at different times. Explain before they come that you're not going to be up for "hosting" ("we're sure you understand") and so meals will be very simple (assemble-your-own deli sandwiches, etc.) and everything is going to be on a "self-serve" basis. Let them take cabs to/from the airport or, better yet, rent a car at the airport.
When they are actually visiting, steel yourself to be BLUNT about what you need, and be ruthless about what you want to do. You're tired? Don't feel obliged to keep sitting and visiting with them; just get up, announce you're going to sleep, and go. Time for the baby to eat? Just take the baby, don't get into a situation where you're having to persuade people to give the baby back. You are sick of them and want time alone? Just say "excuse me, I'll see you later" and go not your bedroom and barricade the door. Btw, if you're nursing and want privacy, lock the door. If it doesn't have a lock, barricade the door. My nosy SIL deliberately walked in on me without knocking while I was pumping in my bedroom, despite the closed door, because she just wanted to see. I was so pissed! You and DH need to be on the same page and present a united front, and you need to put your nuclear family's needs above the feelings of any guests. Once the baby gets older, these things will become easier and more relaxed. But for now you're entitled to do what you have to do. Let us know how it goes. Good luck with the baby's arrival! |
Anonymous
| My in laws used to need to be waited on. We told them very clearly that "once the baby arrives, you are welcome in our home at any time but you must act like it is your home. If you want a drink, go get one. If you need a snack, there's the pantry." Etc. I was surprised how much they took our instruction to heart. |
Anonymous
| Tell them that you and DH will be busy bonding with the baby and not available to host people for the first month after birth. Tell them that you will be uncomfortable having guests in your house KNOWING you can't host the way you'd like to, so you prefer they not come for the first month and when they do, stay at a hotel where they will be treated as guests. |
Anonymous
This exactly. And I know they were a little hurt but you gotta do what you gotta do. We have a tiny house and as much as I love my parents and my in-laws both, it does stress me out to have them stay with us. Not something I need to deal with for a first baby. So they will stay in a hotel when the baby comes in a few weeks and that is just the way it is. And we told them they had to call first before coming over, too. I have no problem with them spending a lot of time here during the day but I want to know in advance so they don't show up at 8 am or something. |
Anonymous
This. Do NOT let them just hold the baby. I felt too guilty to take the baby from my mom, and bf'ing suffered for nearly two months afterward. |