How to handle grandparents visit when baby is born

[Anonymous]

I agree with the others -- it's okay to put your foot down, but just do it beforehand and in a nice way. It sounds like you don't want anyone there right away, and that's fine. I was the same way. We told everyone that we felt it would be best for visits a few weeks after the baby was born.

One thing you could say is that you think it'll be helpful later -- when DH goes back to work, or something.

Sometimes people just need to be told what to do. Lay it out for them:

1. We don't want anyone here for the first week. We need to settle in ourselves during this time.

2. When you come, we will not be able to be welcoming hosts for you because we will be busy. We will need your help during this time.

3. You can stay with us, but you will need to make your own meals, etc. OR
You can stay in a hotel nearby.

It's so much better to lay it out there now, instead of waiting until everyone is there, and everyone is upset.

Also, if people are upset, they can kind of brush it off as "isn't it funny what crazy stuff pregnant women say?" but will hopefully still listen to you!

[Anonymous]

OP: No advice b/c I bet you already got a lot of good stuff (like send them a list of local hotels) but wanted to share a story.

We just had #2. The grandparents came to stay with #1.
MIL, FIL, and STEP FIL all stayed in my house with #1. There was no violence. It was shockingly not awkward. When I came home my FIL stayed and the couple got a hotel. But #2 is way different than #1 so my comfort level was way higher this time.

[Anonymous]

My parents came to take care of dog while I was in hospital. They saw us in the hospital the night she was born. My dad stayed for 2 days after we came home. He is the dog's number 1 fan, so he did all dog stuff and cleaned out our shed. (He likes projects.) My mom stayed for 4 more days feta Dad left. She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, held the baby so I could shower. Day before Mom left, my sister came and cooked, cleaned etc... Sis stayed 2 days. It was very helpful.

My IL would not have been helpful. FIL was very loud and not helpful. MIL is willing to help but has to be TOLD what to do and then she worried that she is doing it wrong and will upset me. They came when DD was 6 woks old. We had a groove going by then and it was ok.

[Anonymous]

It is okay to say no. Be kind about things, but do what you need to do. We told my inlaws to please give us some time to bond and it was the right thing to do. Same with my folks. My in-laws came 5 days after the birth and it was nice to have some backup in terms of holding the baby while we slept for a few hours, etc, but in other ways it still felt a little bit too soon. I appreciated other people loving the baby but still wasn't ready to share him as much as MIL wanted, I had to do battle over not bottle-feeding (so MIL could feed...but I was BFing and not pumping yet, and wasn't about to start earlier than planned just so she could feed) and we also had a few issues where DS was crying and wanted to nurse and MIL would walk him around and try to comfort him and sort of got aggro about giving him back! I think she just got new-baby intoxicated but boy did it piss me off, on top of all of those hormones! I was also was exhausted and just wanted to hunker down with my baby in my room and not have to talk and interact with anyone who required more of me than grunts.

Also, my in-laws stayed at a hotel but didn't rent a car so DH had to pick them up and drive them home every day which was simply ridiculous when we were as tired as we were and he drove them around to get takeout, etc, because they were nervous about the city. (They don't cook). So it was really hard having htem there because not only did they NOT help much, but there WENT my help, taking care of them.

So this time around, we will probably ask them to wait just a bit longer, and insist on them renting a car, and we have food (frozen) and if they get hungry for something else, well, we will send them out to eat.

[Anonymous]

Oh, good lord, just tell them NO. Stop being a martyr.

[Anonymous]

OP, do what you need to do/think is what will be best for your and husband and baby. Set the boundaries early and firmly (but pleasantly of course).

"We have decided that we don't want any company or guests for the first week, in order to get settled and get a handle on our new reality. If you wish to come you can stay in a hotel and come visit us briefly at the hospital and perhaps for an hour or two at home. Otherwise we'd like to plan for a longer visit (when you can stay with us) once we have settled into a routine."

And absolutely you must be a united front with your husband.

We had to do this w/ three sets of grandparents - none local. One set couldn't fly in. One drove in and stayed elsewhere and just visited for a coulple of hours at the hospital and then went home (until next visit a few weeks later). One set flew in when our twins were about a month old and stayed for a week.

One set fought us hard (the one that flew in and stayed) and sound much like yours - high maintenance and fairly selfish. MIL protested aggressively but we announced that this would be our plan when I was only about 5mths along and kept saying it without changing our mind until she finally gave up - which took months.

In the end I was happy to have visitors at the hospital but less so at home. I agree with others that having a baby, especially your first, is a "get out of jail free" card to be unusually self-centered in terms of what you want - whether or not anyone else (other than your husband) agrees.

Good luck and congratulations!

[Anonymous]

Stand your ground. Tell them no visitors staying at your house for x weeks after the baby is born. If they are insistent and making life miserable for you (as my own mother did) tell them that if they don't lay off you will delay telling them the news the baby is born until a few days afterwards.

Seriously, I wish we had done that (not shared the news immediately with my family, just to have some peace). Also, I wish I hadn't gotten on the phone with my mother after the baby was born. I was in no shape to take on her badgering about letting her and my father come to visit a asap and gave in. We have a tiny house and it was not pleasant those first few weeks to have unhelpful visitors, especially as I was a physical wreck and had a terrible time with nursing, sleeping, etc. etc. So if you fear pressure like that, make your DH be the one who talks to family.

Good luck. If it's stressing you out too much, don't take phone calls.

[Anonymous]

Lord. MIL was so obnoxious she actually said to new mom me:"I'm here to see the baby not you!". WTF?

THAT gave me a great glimpse into what kind of family I had married into! Yikes!

Your baby, your rules, OP.