what to do when restricting foods and finding out MIL giving it to child anyway

[Anonymous]

I am at a loss on how to handle this now and trying not to over-react.

I have told MIL that my DC does not handle certain sugary foods well (esp with food coloring) and I thought we were on the same page. DC has had MAJOR tantrums after eating this since 2 and so we avoid like the plague. Can handle baked goods fine, chocolate, etc but not fruit gummies, etc. Apparently I was told by my child that she does give packs of disney gummies etc and almost got the feeling it was their "secret" I since told her again thinking maybe she didn't think that still applied so she promised me she would throw it out. I even specifically said "On the weekdays that you watch the child please don't give because I have trouble with putting to bed and its so important for a good night sleep before school.

Last week I picked up DC and didn't have a drink in my car and we have a ten minute drive home. I am trying to not constantly supply drinks and snacks because it's not realistic etc. SO child screamed and cried for the entire ten minute drive which felt like forever. This is a very rare behavior and I figured it was something else. MY DH said maybe she gave alot of sugar. Once DC calmed down I said why did you get so upset-were you just tired? child nods. What did grandma give you? A smile comes out so I know it's something I wouldn't approve of. Then DC said a pack of gummies. I was so upset. How could this not get through. I almost feel like she is more concerned with making DC happy in that minute than anything else including cavities, sleep etc.

I calmed down and we are so appreciative of the help she gives so I didn't want to freak out.. So I mentioned casually the other day when she was taking to a movie about the gummies and tried to explain it's such a bizarre reaction we almost have to treat it like an allergy. She never sees the freak out part becuase it happens after I get child back.
We picked up child that night and when we asked what was given for dinner child said-nothing I had skittles at the movies.

What would you do at this point? I almost feel like she couldn't leap to see that skittles were also FOOD COLORED and all sugar. Very very frustrated. She is very helpful and is on her own so lives to see my DC and would do anything but I also think she does anything to get approval. I'm not a crazy NO Sugar mom-although I do think it has to be regulated but he doesn't react this way to a chocolate chip cookie.

[Anonymous]

When you start to PAY for childcare you can get picky, until then you are out of luck!

[Anonymous]

DH needs to be the one having this conversation with his mother. If he thinks it would be helpful, he could pull up articles that specifically cite issues with food coloring/sugar/etc but honestly this comes down to the fact that she needs to respect your parenting.
Now if DH is not 100% on board with you re: these food choices, you have an entirely different problem.

[Anonymous]

March MIL to your ped's office for a good stern talking to.

[Anonymous]

You do what you'd do with any babysitter who doesn't follow you instructions on something this important: fire her.

Seriously, find and pay for better childcare.

DH should try a sit-down once, but be prepared to follow through with no more babysitting from her.

[Anonymous]

You sound pretty crazy to me.

That said, if your MIL is giving food secretly, that's pretty disrespectful. If she's got a concern with your parenting decisions, she can discuss that concern with you, but it's ultimately your decision.

Your concern should be that your MIL didn't give you child dinner, not that she also gave your child candy at the movies.

[Anonymous]

DH needs to insist! Re-explain the rule, and give graphic detail of what happens when it is not followed.

Unless you are prepared to not ever leave your child alone with his grandma for any length of time, you cannot completely control this. Consider that in a few years time, your child will not react as much to sugar, so this is a short-term problem. Also consider whether these outings with grandma are frequent and whether you can bear a few tantrums every so often. Is this worth getting into a fight?
The other side of the coin is drawing general boundaries with MIL and parental control. Will this serve the bigger picture? You know your MIL best.

[Anonymous]

I don't know ... I think you sound a bit controlling. Kids have tantrums over lots of stuff and at all sorts of times. It could just have been the transition.

Why not let your kid stay over night with this grandparent so they can see the outcome themselves?

[Anonymous]

DH isn't the issue. I am the one who communicates much better with her and can handle that part. I just think she isn't getting it. I do have babysiters that I pay and I understand that I can have her not babysit but overall she is great and they both enjoy the time together and it's seems really important for her right now when she is on her own.

What I was looking for/hoping for by posting here was if someone had a similar situatiion and how they handled it. I now have spoken to my child about it so I think if offered again the child will be more concered about taking it since we have discussed alot. I think that will also get through I hope. I almost feel like I have to literally spell out a list of foods to avoid-it's kind of crazy. If I told her not to watch the child anymore that would DEVASTATE her and I don't want to threaten that but I'll see what happens the next time we talk.

[Anonymous]

I think that's pretty typical grandmother behavior. Super annoying but it's what they do. My mother does this and it annoys the heck out of me but she doesn't live in the area, so it doesn't come up much. Yours is a harder case because she watches your child a lot. I think you're going to have to do what PPs suggested - stop letting her be with child and pay for child care or just get over it. Your child is not being harmed, by the way, this is very very minor in the grand scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH needs to insist! Re-explain the rule, and give graphic detail of what happens when it is not followed.

Unless you are prepared to not ever leave your child alone with his grandma for any length of time, you cannot completely control this. Consider that in a few years time, your child will not react as much to sugar, so this is a short-term problem. Also consider whether these outings with grandma are frequent and whether you can bear a few tantrums every so often. Is this worth getting into a fight?
The other side of the coin is drawing general boundaries with MIL and parental control. Will this serve the bigger picture? You know your MIL best.

Thank you for a kind answer. I don't know why my original post is causing people to say that I sound crazy? I'm trying to be really calm and sane about it and not over-react so I don't understand. My frustration comes with telling an adult that I trust some guidance on watching the child and then feeling badly that I am not sure I can trust what she says. When we talk she promises me that she has tossed out the bad stuff and that she respects what I say so I then wonder if that is true or what child is telling is true. Not the end of the world either way I just was so baffled by the skittles. I think he did eat dinner too but I didn't press it. She normally feeds the child regular meals so I am not worried about that. Maybe I am over-reacting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that's pretty typical grandmother behavior. Super annoying but it's what they do. My mother does this and it annoys the heck out of me but she doesn't live in the area, so it doesn't come up much. Yours is a harder case because she watches your child a lot. I think you're going to have to do what PPs suggested - stop letting her be with child and pay for child care or just get over it. Your child is not being harmed, by the way, this is very very minor in the grand scheme of things.

Thank you-this really makes me feel better.

[Anonymous]

I have to agree with 11:26. I think this falls under the "grandparents spoiling" type of behavior. I think it is pretty common for our parents to do this, especially since when we were growing up, there wasn't as much of the "evil sugar" mentality as there is now.

Also OP, I'm a bit confused. Does your daughter have the normal reaction to sugar that most kids do? I.e. the "hyped up, followed by the crash and irritability?" If so, I think I'd either deal with it when it happens, or arrange other childcare more often so grandmother is watching our daughter less. If your daughter has a specific reaction to the gummies that she does not have with any other sugar and this has been discussed with the ped., then maybe the best thing to do is tell grandma what ped said about the gummies, and then offer other treats she can give your daughter to "spoil her".

But honestly, when you add in the thing about not carrying water in your car so your daughter doesn't get used to it, you just sound really controlling. So your best bet might be to limit the amount of time your daughter spends alone with grandma.

[Anonymous]

OP, you admit your daughter screamed for 10 minutes because she was thirsty and tired. Then you tried to make it about the gummies. Maybe she was just thirsty and tired and it had nothing to do with the gummies. Don't be one of those over controlling food moms that causes their kids to hide food.

[Anonymous]

Chances are you are linking the food coloring and sugar to the behavior when often that isn't the case. it is now a set association in your mind so whenever you see bad behavior you look for sugar. Is your DC tantruming for grandma after she gives him the candy? If it is an actual reaction then it should be pretty apparent to grandma that after she gives him candy he loses control as she would see it. If it is a reaction he can't save it until back with you.

It is more likely that the excitement of the activity plus the everything out of routine plus being given forbidden treats is all contributing to your child acting up after being out with grandma.