Is divorce ever NOT the answer?

[Anonymous]

I feel very conflicted over what to do with my life. I have 2 young kids - 2 and 5. DH and I have been married for 9 years and things have been sour for a while. He was refusing therapy, but has finally acknowledged that his temper is violent and harmful. He agreed to see someone, but has made no effort to do so in the 3 weeks that has elapsed since admitting its a problem. After a frighteningly nasty fight where he pushed me to the ground, he apologized profusely - said how ashamed he was, went through his thought process to see how it came to that point, talked about how much his anger was hurting our kids - basically, he sounded sincere and as if he was ready to change. He wrote a vow that nothing like that would ever happen again, but after writing, he never showed me. He has a neurological condition (diagnosed by a neurologist and confirmed with another) that is associated with something called "intermittent explosive anger" (or disease? Can't recall). I have been told that the pushing was a result of this illness and its effects. Like I said, he said he would go to therapy.

In the past 3 weeks, I have seen him slip back to his old ways - simply being inconsiderate and unkind and very selfish.

A huge part of me wants out and thinks this will be better for the children.

But I have a nagging fear of how awful a divorce would be for them - so frightening and disruptive on their young lives. I also worry about how he will be with them - I don't think he would ever hurt them, but I think his anger is frightening and harmful in, and of, itself. I am their buffer.

We also know 2 children of divorce in my child's preschool - they both have serious behavioral issues and one, in particular, has such an air of sadness over her all the time- it breaks my heart.

I also think that he won't ever be out of my life. We would have to interact over everything, every little decision, everything... We would see each at child exchanges, at back to school nights, whatever. I have researched divorce and custody arrangements and it seems not only quite complicated, but it seems like you need to be quite civil towards one another to really make it work.

I truly don't want to be with anyone else; I don't see myself re-marrying and I worry that I will become lonely or too reliant on my children to fill my life.

I'm very close to my parents and they tell me not to divorce - for the sake of the children. They feel he treats me poorly - they don't know everything, but this has been going on a long time and he's treated them poorly, too. They also have said they will never recommend a divorce bc they don't want to influence me, so who knows what they really think?

Again, my biggest worry is my children. I love them. I want to be with them. I want to protect them.

I work ft at a highly prestigious job - trust me when I say you would be shocked if you knew my husband had physically abused me.

[Anonymous]

no one has the right answer

[Anonymous]

Children who live in abusive households also have behavior problems and sadness, OP.

You have to do what you need to do to protect them and yourself from a physical abuser.

Yes, it may mean growing old alone. But, at least you'll grow old.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can appreciate how difficult this situation must be for you, and I'm not one to advise divorce lightly as I believe people should work on marriage, especially when kids are involved.

However, I am very concerned by your husband's inability to curb his anger and how physical it has become too. No, divorce isn't a good thing for kids. A far worse thing, however, is growing up in a home with verbal and physical abuse -- between parents or, God forbid but it happens -- towards children.

If I were in your shoes I'd move out temporarily and insist that your husband get counseling. If he is serious about changing this will be his wake-up call. If he cannot change then, frankly, I'd get out of the marriage. In the long run this is the better choice than staying with an abuser, which is what your husband is.

[Anonymous]

Only you can decide when it's time to get a divorce. Once you leave and get help in the form of domestic violence counseling you will wish you left sooner.

For me, the violence escalated and the next step higher would be me in the hospital.

Next time call the police. It's clear from his inaction that he doesn't take it seriously. Abusers will say anything to get out of making any real change. Having a neurological disorder also doesn't give him a pass on hurting you.

You are worried about divorce on the kids, which is understandable. You only know 2 examples. My child is very well behaved and follows directions. Only exception being that school has noticed more energy after visits with Dad. As PP stated, the violence will also affect them.

[Anonymous]

He has to go to therapy. If he has a medical condition that causes him to be uncontrollably violent, then if you divorce it seems like you will have grounds to make sure he only has supervised visits. A physical attack like you describe is unacceptable. You are being abused.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm divorced and I have a 4 year old. Here's the thing. Not _all_ divorces result in damaged, sad children. Disruptions occur in life, sometimes by choice and sometimes by necessity. It is how you handle those disruptions that dictates the level of damage. Personally, I think that it sounds like staying in this marriage without very big actions by your husband is the most damaging of all. Pushing someone to the ground in an argument is ABUSIVE. It is violent. If he had done that to your children, would it be okay just because he was sorry? What if he did it to a stranger? I cannot imagine that if your parents heard that he did this to you that they would still tell you to stay married. Was this the first time he has physically abused you?

My daughter is in preschool. Her dad and I have been divorced since she was 2 (so the age of your youngest). You are right that coparenting requires a high degree of civility, but then again, so does being married (ideally). It does not have to be super complicated. You do not have to see each other often. My ex and I have a very cordial relationship, but we usually only see each other on the weekends, when we switch custody. During that time, we keep things businesslike, with conversation mostly related to DD and what's going on with her.

When I decided to leave my husband, it was not for the sorts of reasons you're describing. I tried to think about what I would want for my daughter, out of a marriage. I thought about how I would advise my little sister, if she was in a relationship that was like mine. I didn't think about remarriage, but I did think about how I wanted to be treated. Please think about how you want to be treated. Do you want to be married to someone who physically abuses you and then uses his illness to justify his actions? Do you want to be with someone who commits to seeing a therapist to handle his issues with anger and abuse and then never does that? Do you want to be with someone who scares you, who you feel scares your children? Do you want to be with someone who treats your family of origin poorly, who treats you in a way you cannot tell your family of origin? Do you want to be with someone who you have to protect your children from?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this is happening to you, OP.

My most important piece of advice is that parents HAVE to work on their communication anyway when custody is shared, unless they want to spend their lives goading and inflicting petty revenges on each other through their kids. It can become so incredibly wearing and stressful.

So practice having a working relationship BEFORE divorce. First, put everything on the table and acknowledge that divorce is in your future. This agreement releases a lot of resentment and expectations. Many parents find that they can get along so much better with their spouse at that point. Then, work on improving your communication about your kids with the goal of being on the same page at best, or at least not completely at opposite poles of the spectrum! When and how to contact the other spouse, drop-off, pick-up, parenting philosophies, discipline, extra-curriculars, bedtime, pocket money, chores, curfew, etc - everything has to discussed.

I have seen this again and again with my divorced friends. They rush to divorce in a flurry of resentment and accusations, then find that they have significant problems surrounding shared parenting of their children because they never paused to consider that their issues stemmed from poor communication, and divorce does not cure that!

The added benefit of deliberately practicing healthy and respectful communication before divorce is of course potential reconciliation. It is not the goal, though. Divorce or reconciliation are not important, actually. It is responsibly sharing parenting that can make everybody much happier, regardless of whether the parents live together or not.

So first your husband has to be convinced of the above!

[Anonymous]

Get proof of his escalating violence. Tape him on your I phone or call 911 next time. He MUST get treatment in order to be around your children, whether you stay or leave, he must have his condition under control.

But the idea of you not being there and him having an episode is terrifying. You MUST have proof so that you can force him to have treatment and control his custodial time with the kids. Keep a diary of all the events and get proof. Cannot stress this enough. Talk to an attorney if you haven't already.

[Anonymous]

"Once you leave and get help in the form of domestic violence counseling you will wish you left sooner."

+100,000

[Anonymous]

Please think about protecting yourself and your children from violence. Children are also harmed by seeing a parent treated in this manner. Do you want them growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to love or be loved? That seems far more harmful than divorce. I am the product of divorced parents who waited far too long and I have lifelong issues that have been very hard to resolve. I wish they had found happiness far earlier in their lives. So important to teach your children the idea of self respect and self worth. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

op here.

thank you so very much for your kindness and candor.

i contacted my old post-partum depression provider and told her a bit about the situation and she has provided several referrals specific to anger management/violence/men's issues. i have sent them by email, as DH has continued to say that he will go as soon as he finds someone who can help him with his specific issues (didn't want to see a general therapist; we were in couples therapy for 1 yr before birth of first child)

if there is a hope of raising children in a happy SAFE home, i will do my best to try to achieve it. my goal in life is to have secure, happy, well-adjusted children. i am very aware that our current home does not provide that. i am just trying to figure out if there is a way to achieve it, or if we have to divorce.

i worry about the legal stuff - if i move out, will he say i kidnapped the kids without his consent? will an iphone recording of his anger be admissible? if we leave the house, do i lose the house? [ i realize these seem like silly concerns, but as two dc people having somewhat prominent, important jobs, i am CERTAIN he will want none of his history to come out in the open.]

i appreciate the comments about communication. i have serious concerns about our ability to have a cordial relationship after a divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP, you may want to contact the Women's Center in Vienna. They have people there who can help answer you legal and practical concerns, as well as therapists who work specifically with domestic violence issues.

Another resource in DC is House of Ruth.

[Anonymous]

You do realize that statistically your kids are more likely to turn into abusers themselves right?

How sad they see daddy exploding and hitting on mommy and now they are gonna think that this is how relationships work.

[Anonymous]

I frequently think divorce is not the answer. If there are kids involved, every effort should be made to stay together for their sake.

However, if one partner is physically abusive that goes right out the window. Divorce IS the answer. You should leave and stay away. Child visitation should be supervised until he has undgone substantial amounts of counseling.

Sorry. I know it's hard.