Reply to Is divorce ever NOT the answer?

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Reply to "Is divorce ever NOT the answer?"

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm divorced and I have a 4 year old. Here's the thing. Not _all_ divorces result in damaged, sad children. Disruptions occur in life, sometimes by choice and sometimes by necessity. It is how you handle those disruptions that dictates the level of damage. Personally, I think that it sounds like staying in this marriage without very big actions by your husband is the most damaging of all.  Pushing someone to the ground in an argument is ABUSIVE. It is violent. If he had done that to your children, would it be okay just because he was sorry? What if he did it to a stranger? I cannot imagine that if your parents heard that he did this to you that they would still tell you to stay married. Was this the first time he has physically abused you?

My daughter is in preschool. Her dad and I have been divorced since she was 2 (so the age of your youngest). You are right that coparenting requires a high degree of civility, but then again, so does being married (ideally). It does not have to be super complicated. You do not have to see each other often. My ex and I have a very cordial relationship, but we usually only see each other on the weekends, when we switch custody. During that time, we keep things businesslike, with conversation mostly related to DD and what's going on with her.

When I decided to leave my husband, it was not for the sorts of reasons you're describing. I tried to think about what I would want for my daughter, out of a marriage. I thought about how I would advise my little sister, if she was in a relationship that was like mine. I didn't think about remarriage, but I did think about how I wanted to be treated. Please think about how you want to be treated. Do you want to be married to someone who physically abuses you and then uses his illness to justify his actions? Do you want to be with someone who commits to seeing a therapist to handle his issues with anger and abuse and then never does that? Do you want to be with someone who scares you, who you feel scares your children? Do you want to be with someone who treats your family of origin poorly, who treats you in a way you cannot tell your family of origin? Do you want to be with someone who you have to protect your children from? [/quote]

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