Is divorce ever NOT the answer?
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Anonymous
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I would recommend individual therapy for you until you feel like you are strong enough to see the situation clearly. And you will then also be strong enough to weather whatever comes ahead, with the house, divorce communication, etc. you are in an abusive relationship and as these things tend to go your self esteem is also quite beaten down which is why you would think staying is an option.
Also, abusers tend to rely on the "shame" of the victim to keep their secrets. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he does. You tried your hardest to make it work even with physical risk to yourself. Go to therapy until you understand and believe that and no longer feel trapped. Good luck! |
Anonymous
I read the posts and my response is the same. I am sick of you disgusting people and your excuses for divorce. My response answers OPs question very well. |
Anonymous
Are you a man or woman? What is your religion? |
Anonymous
| I am not sure it is true that in VA the person has to know they are being recorded. OP needs an attorney to tell her what to do. |
Anonymous
| You sound like you are in a financial position to consult a good divorce attorney. You should do that to get ducks in a row. |
Anonymous
This is what my VA attorney told me. |
Anonymous
| I would try to get this onto email. When he is in the apologetic phase, write him an email saying you are upset at his treatment. Hopefully he will respond with an apologetic email. Forward the email to a friend or a newly created account he doesn't know about so he can't break into your email and delete. There's your proof. |
Anonymous
| OP: it's not all about the abuse, believe me. All the advice to you to document the abuse if it happens again is all well and good, but that is not the real issue. Your marriage is not fine when the abuse is not happening. You've said he slipped back into his 'usual ways', unkind and inconsiderate. It is not just you that is looking for the exit, he is too though he may not be that self-aware. You need to move on with your life with someone who cherishes you. True, he will be in yours and your childrens' lives and that's a good thing because kids need parents. BUT you are unhappy, so is he, and the kids suffer when there is that cloud of unhappiness even if he never again loses it. Your kids are young and resilient and if you and your husband decide living apart (maybe in the same neighborhood) is optimal for your relationship, you will model good decision-making skills, cooperative parenting and the joy of making your life better. You are lucky in that you have the potential for a truly amicable split, and maybe it's just living separately rather than full-blown divorce, at least for now. |
Anonymous
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OP, I bet if your parents knew just how bad your spouse physically abused you, they would be singing a much different tune about your divorcing him. I understand that it's really tough to disclose to others just how bad things are. Been there, done that.
I know divorce is not pretty. In fact, it can be downright dirty. Sure, the children may develop behavior and emotional issues from it. Yes, you may be alone for a l-o-n-g time as you focus on your children for many years. And I agree, co~parenting can be tough, esp. when doing it under acrimonious circumstances. But try to look at the bigger picture here OP for a minute. Your husband is physically abusing you. It really doesn't matter if it is due to a health issue. That is not relevant since that would be his issue, not yours. No one should have to live like you are living. In fear. By staying w/this man, you are overall doing more harm than good for your children. For them to grow up in a violent home, to see their Father treat their Mother in such a manner would scar them emotionally way more than a divorce would. Plus, their model of what a marriage is supposed to look like will be screwed up. I would be singing a different tune if your husband actually was actively seeking therapy for his anger issues and making a genuine attempt to work on his problems. But after three weeks he still hasn't done anything!! That just shows me your marriage and the children is not at the top of his priority list right now. Also, his words carry no weight as well. OP, I know you have thought long and hard about this, but as a victim of domestic abuse/violence, you have no other option but to divorce this person. Under no circumstances should you stay married to someone who physically abuses you in any way, shape or form no matter what disease (?) they may have. You need to break free from this violent chain for your two small children. Financially I think you will be okay. Also, I would talk to someone about your husband's violent tendencies so he could only get supervised visitation w/the children since you feel their welfare could be in jeopardy. I wish you all well. Keep your head up. 
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Anonymous
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OP, there is a popular saying:
"Kids would rather be FROM a broken home than living in one". I'm a product of divorce and I've never been to a mental hospital or arrested. In fact, I'm very happily married. Please don't think all children from divorced households are sad people. I'm a very optimistic person most of the time. 
Get him some professional help or put your big girl panties on and tell him not to the door hit him on the ass on the way out! He has no intention of getting help so give him two choices and then follow through. |
Anonymous
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Can you be more specific about the neurological condition and the diagnosis of Intermittent Explosive Disorder? IED is often something that is "diagnosed" but is really part of a larger problem. The way you describe it -- "neurological disorder" -- is very unclear. For example, a brain tumor or lesion could be a neurological condition which is causing IED. Or IED could be part of a psychological disease like bipolar, ADHD, or borderline. In theory, IED should not be diagnosed if the true underlying cause is a brain disorder or mental illness, but in practice .....
You are in a tricky place. Of course, if the rage is a result of illness, you would like to enable your husband to get treatment. How much are you involved in his treatment now? Does he see a neurologist? Does he see a psychiatrist? Do you accompany him to these appointments and get at least a few minutes at the beginning or end to speak with the treating physician and report symptoms and have an opportunity for the physician to educate you about what is going on? Is your hubby on any meds that would either contribute to outbursts or help control them? What kind of therapist is he trying to get? Couples therapy is not helpful in this situation. Your husband's instinct about seeing the right kind of counselor is a good one (if it is not a form of denial or delay). He really needs to see someone who is skilled in IED or management of anger, who can help him recognize triggers and develop coping mechanisms. You also probably need to be involved to some extent in this therapy. For example, my ex is bipolar, and it took some time for me to understand that there were certain situations in which it was better for me to walk away and not engage (I am not saying this as blaming you for the incidents, just as an indication that partners must learn how to cope effectively with these situations as well). My bipolar ex never had big rages (just irritability in mania), but he had other unacceptable behaviors as well. A spouse to an ill parent is constantly in the position of evaluating -- how supportive can I be in recovery vs. what kind of damage am I exposing my kids to? It is tricky, and you should probably have your own independent counseling with someone who is experienced in your DH's condition. There came a point for me when it was clear that continuing to live together wasn't an option even though I knew that my exDH said he didn't want to break the family up and would engage in counseling. Since we split, we have been able to come to an amicable agreement about custody/visitation w/o the courts. I have full custody; he eats with us several times a week and spends one weekend day with the kids. This has worked for us and allows him to be a better parent. He only has to hold it together for a short bit. If he is having trouble, he says he can't visit and reschedules, or he just steps back a little during the visit and hangs out and watches TV or listens instead of being more active. This has worked for us. But, again, real physical anger has never been part of our equation. This is a big burden on me to be responsible all the time and have plans change at a moment's notice, but may be less so if you have a good job and can afford child-care like a nanny or housekeeper who can be a backup when Daddy suddenly isn't able to show up. I agree with others that you should also consult with an attorney and prepare financially and documentation-wise. The attorney can help you understand what documentation you need to create about this incidents to improve your custody/visitation options. If you have a "ft presitgious job", you can afford the best in attorneys fees. Go NOW. Pay for a 1 to 2 hour consult to describe your situation and understand your options. In the meanwhile, it will help your DH if you can acknowledge that you know he's not a bad guy and that he has some biology and behavioral habits driving the anger that can be changed/managed, and getting the right help is part of getting to a better place. It is clear that the angry outbursts are not making him happy either. So, this is in his interest as well as yours. BTW, prior to DH I also worked FT in a prestigious job. No one would have guessed that my boyfriend was emotionally and verbally abusive and that I cut all ties with him the second time he threatened to beat me. Easier to do when we were unmarried and had no kids. It can happen to anyone. You need a counselor and/or friend with whom you can tell the truth. I kept the abuse secret and became increasingly isolated from friends. It was a mistake. The second time around with DH's illness, I was fully transparent with 1 or 2 trusted friends and my parents (who I could trust to support me but also not push me). Being open with at least a few people and having my own counselor was VERY important. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Op here. He's made an appt with a therapist who specializes in anger/violence (recommended by my old PPD therapist, who is/was a godsend).
I am holding my breath to see what happens next. I am debating a therapist for myself - I did individual therapy with a woman who we also did a year of couples counseling with - just not sure she's the best choice. Thank you for your advice. |
Anonymous
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Actually OP, you need to Google Crisis in Family Courts. Your H is so much like mine. He has sued for sole custody to shift focus from allegations of abuse. He wants me to pay him support. People that are giving you advice from a perfect world do not know how courts are not protecting kids these days. Call DV Leap and get some names of lawyers in your jurisdiction. Have in person consults and discuss best and worse scenarios. You might do some reading at Lundy Bancrofts site and read his book The Battered as a Parent. In today's family courts leaving may cost you your kids, especially if there are abuse allegations.
Since your husband has a medical condition I would start there, really push the doc about meds. ADD and antidepressant meds may make a world of difference. Does your husband have any abuse in his background? If so, see if he will try EMDR. If you don't believe me about Family Court Google Amy Castillo. That case was typical in terms of unsupervised visitation despite evidence, not an outlier. If your H becomes focused on hurting you in a divorce and is egged on by an attorney the results can be tragic. |
Anonymous
| Hard one |
Anonymous
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I have a question for the OP. A friend's husband is exhibiting very much the behavior that you have described in your husband. Except it is also coupled with paranoia that everyone is after him so of course he would never admit he has an issue and would never ever go to see a therapist.
I want to ask you- what kind of neurological condition was your husband diagnosed with? My friend is just looking for answers and trying to figure things out..... |