My elderly dad wants to move in with us...thoughts, advice, and opinions welcome

[Anonymous]

My dad, who is in his late 70s and in pretty good health, wants to move in with my family. My mom died not long ago, but they had actually been throwing around the idea of moving in with us before she died. We have the physical room for him, and he wants to pay a monthly amount (TBD) towards our mortgage and utilities. Here are my thoughts, and I would really, really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through this.

I am most worried he will hate the noise and fracas that pervades our house. We have little kids and it's loud and messy and unruly. He likes to watch the news in quiet and eat dinner like a civilized person. On the other hand, though, I think he would like to be surrounded by young voices and laughter and he'd get a kick out of the funny things our children say and do. It does help to keep you young to be surrounded by young people. I told him he cannot move in with us until he has spent a full month staying with us, so he can get a sense of what it would be like before he gives up his own apartment and moves here.

Other concerns: We both work - relatively late - and I know he likes to eat dinner as a family. That just wouldn't be possible. We've talked about the fact that we wouldn't be home most nights to eat as a group (kids eat earlier with the nanny) and he says he would be ok with that - but I know this is a focus for him.

He is in good health but a bit unsteady on his feet and he'd have to live upstairs at our house, as we don't have a first floor bedroom or full bath. I do worry about that plan in the long term.

He lives alone now, but about 2 hours away from us. He has lots of friends and some family in that town, as well as activities and groups he belongs to. Here, he has us and that's about it. That's a lot of pressure on us.

In a perfect world, I think I'd love for him to live in an independent living facility near us - but how do people afford it??? He can't pay the rates for those places on his pension and SS benefits. So living with us becomes a lot more attractive for him - we can keep an eye on him and he can be part of our lives everyday, which is neat.

I know it's a lot to take on. My SIL says there's no way we should do it. My husband is 100% fine with it - he is a saint. I am hesitant but mostly game. I know there are some major drawbacks, but at the same time, it would be amazing for my children to have the kind of realtionship with their grandfather that they'd have if we spent this much time together.

Can anyone tell me what I'm not considering or give me their experience or offer me suggestions for other options (including how to afford other options?!)

Thanks so much for your help!

[Anonymous]

Does he have financial problems and that is why he wants to move in?
Otherwise, I think he should just come visit a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have financial problems and that is why he wants to move in?
Otherwise, I think he should just come visit a lot.

This. If money isnt a factor I would have him stay 2 - 3 weeks at a time, go home for a week or 2....rinse, repeat.

[Anonymous]

I think your plan for having you all try it out for a month is excellent.

I also think that it's possible that some of the things you think might bother him, or anticipate being hard, might not be so bad. Kids are loud, but they're also joyous - especially for grandparents. Maybe the family can't eat together during the week but he could eat w/ the kids and nanny perhaps? (Though - this is worth discussing w/ the nanny - it's no small thing for him/her to have another adult around all the time. That could be an issue.)

You can put extra handrails in, or even a stair lift at some point if that became necessary.

Hopefully he would want to build a few local connections also, and if he's accustomed to having friends and a social life he might be more open to that than someone for whom that isn't a norm.

I can tell you that I grew up in a house where my grandfather lived with us for the last 10 or so years of his life. He was basically bedridden the whole time but fully lucid and participative in family life. It was hard - definitely. But it also meant that we really knew him. It meant that I was much more involved in caring for an older adult than most people would be (I would help get his evening medications, sometimes help a bit with physical therapy, etc...) At the time it was just how things were. Now I realize how unusual that is but I think I learned a lot from it in terms of not being afraid of illness, knowing how to be with and enjoy someone who is frail, having lots of quality time with him that I wouldn't otherwise have had, etc... And I know that my father thinks my grandfather lived many years longer than he would have otherwise.

So it takes a full family commitment, and it is no small thing. But it can also return great rewards.

Re the finances - that's just tough. If giving up his own place allows him (and you) to be saving up for the time when he needs a higher level of care that could be great. There are probably also local geriatric resources you could look into (for social engagement as well as long-term care support). I don't know much about that but you could make a few phone calls to county agencies as a start. Maybe just chatting with neighbors also might give you some local resources (or potential social connections). This sandwich generation stuff is SO common that there have to be people in your world who might have some insight.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I love that you want to do a test run first -- that's a great idea.

My FIL lives with my BIL, and they faced many of the same questions you do. They ended up renovating a bathroom to give him a walk-in shower, which he paid for (he's got a nice pension and savings).

And there was definitely a period of adjustment. At first, he was scolding the kids a lot, which got on SIL's nerves. Took about two years for him to realize he can't do that. He also wanted absolute quiet during TV time, which just wasn't ever going to happen. So they got him headphones that connect to the TV.

He waited far too long to get involved with the senior center -- which he now loves. It really helps that he has activities to do during the day.

Try it for a month and then have an honest conversation. If the only objections are little things, I say go for it.

I honestly believe living with my BIL has extended my FILs health and life. He would have faded away if he continued to live alone.

No matter what, it will be an adjustment, but I think the pros far outweigh the cons.

[Anonymous]

Is there a place he can rent very close to your place? Like a small 1br or studio? My mom stayed on a huge apartment complex in a small 1br two streets down from us. We'd often have dinner together and by 7:30 she would go back to her digs. It was really the perfect setup. I could also be there for her when she needed... Doc appt etc. she eventually moved out of state to be with her old love but that's another story

[Anonymous]

I think your plan sounds amazing and you're lucky to have this chance. Maybe research more senior day activities in your area as well to give him a break and meet more people his age.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP.

I am sorry about your mom.

It is a good reflection of your relationship with your dad that he would want to move in with you, that you are "mostly game" ( ) and that you and he can talk about this openly.

I once heard advice that a person should not make a major life decision (such as moving) within 6 months of a major life-altering event (such as the death of a spouse/parent). If there is no pressing reason for your dad to move right now, perhaps you could continue discussions but postpone a decision until 6 moths or a year from your mom's death. In the meantime, lots of visits!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you've thought a lot of this through OP, and are on the right track with the 1 month trial run.

I'll throw in my own perspective, as a nanny.

If the family I work for were to have a grandparent move in, it would be a HUGE issue for me. I am assuming the GP would spent some or most of the day at home, and would not be staying holed up in an office the way WAHP's do. This is disruptive to the nanny's daily routine with the kids, and is confusing for the children to be told "nanny's in charge, even when GP's here" when GP might want to break the rules or sneak treats or whatever. As well, nanny might feel like she needs to answer to the GP in a way. Even if the GP was just sitting in the living room reading the paper or whatever, it significantly changes the work environment for your nanny.

I would find this incredibly hard to work with - frankly, I would not stay if a GP moved in. I might sound selfish or intolerant, and that could not be further from the truth. I think this is an awesome idea and I really hope you guys can make it work. I just wanted to throw in my $0.02 advocating for the nanny. Sit down and talk with her, and be very clear about what it will be like if/when he moves in. You may have to give her your blessing to quit and find a new nanny who is okay with this arrangement, or a new childcare option altogether.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

If he's still relatively able to live on his own, why not just get him a nice apartment or condo nearby? Everything is on one level, he can have quiet when he wants it but come visit you guys a lot.

[Anonymous]

Great $.02 from the nanny perspective. Thanks, PP!

[Anonymous]

Best way to ruin relationship with anyone but your romantic partner -have them move in with you.
Don't do it.
A separate apartment nearby is a perfect setup imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you've thought a lot of this through OP, and are on the right track with the 1 month trial run.

I'll throw in my own perspective, as a nanny.

If the family I work for were to have a grandparent move in, it would be a HUGE issue for me. I am assuming the GP would spent some or most of the day at home, and would not be staying holed up in an office the way WAHP's do. This is disruptive to the nanny's daily routine with the kids, and is confusing for the children to be told "nanny's in charge, even when GP's here" when GP might want to break the rules or sneak treats or whatever. As well, nanny might feel like she needs to answer to the GP in a way. Even if the GP was just sitting in the living room reading the paper or whatever, it significantly changes the work environment for your nanny.

I would find this incredibly hard to work with - frankly, I would not stay if a GP moved in. I might sound selfish or intolerant, and that could not be further from the truth. I think this is an awesome idea and I really hope you guys can make it work. I just wanted to throw in my $0.02 advocating for the nanny. Sit down and talk with her, and be very clear about what it will be like if/when he moves in. You may have to give her your blessing to quit and find a new nanny who is okay with this arrangement, or a new childcare option altogether.

Good luck!

One or both of my parents used to visit for extended periods when the children were young. They were family. A nanny is not the boss of the family. If I were OP perhaps the best thing would be for the father to visit for long periods [have his private room etc] and get a smaller place in his home area since he still has an active life there. Friends and other family.

[Anonymous]

I think the test run is great. Try it out and see what happens. Thank you for being a loving daughter and not a selfish disgrace like most on here. You and your husband are amazing and loving people.

[Anonymous]

One month is a good test time, for the nanny as well as everybody else involved. Then gather all opinions and make a final decision.

Having stayed in my parents' apartment for 2 whole months with my family out of necessity, I can tell you it just takes one crazy family member to capsize the whole plan. In my case it was my mother, who turned out to be completely irrational, and occasionally psychotic.

So it really depends on your little group. I would be very happy to have my father stay with me indefinitely - we get along great. My mother, however much I love her, would be impossible to deal with.

As for the nanny, again, it depends on how well the grandpa and nanny can interact with each other - to me it is not hopeless at all. My father would not interfere with the nanny whatsoever, but would relay any concerns he might have to me, privately.