My elderly dad wants to move in with us...thoughts, advice, and opinions welcome

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you're thinking about a plan. Whether your father moves in with you or not, there will come a time when he's no longer able to care for himself and he/you will be faced with the decision on how to provide for his care. I suggest you look for a financial advisor with expertise with adult care services. If you live in Virginia, I can recommend one. It was very difficult for us to find one when we were in similar circumstances and we made some less-wise decisions because of it.

I think the one month trial is a great idea. If your father is the social type, he can probably develop a new network of friends. If not, I wouldn't recommend moving him in with you until it's absolutely necessary and maybe not even then. My great uncle moved away from extended family and wide circle of friends when he was in his 90s - he moved in with his daughter. It was an extremely difficult, lonely time for him. Change is a lot harder the older you get.

I also agree with the advice to create separate space for him that allows him and you to have privacy. I highly recommend a walk-in shower. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to all for so much advice and so many reasoned opinions. A few points:

My dad is 78, almost 79...not 70. Also, his lease goes through the spring, so he's not moving ANYWHERE right now. I am thrilled that he has plenty of time after my mom's death to take time to really decide what to do. It's way too soon right now to make a major decisions. But the thing is, they were talking about both moving in with us before she died. It would have been easier, in many ways, to have both of them here. So it's not a kneejerk reaction to her death that's causing him to think about this move - it's something we've all been discussing for some time.

The nanny, however lovely she is, is not going to be making this decision for us. I mean, this is my DAD we're talking about. I respect her opinion but if this is how it goes, well, then she'll have to decide if it's something she can't live with.

He doesn't have dementia or any major health issues, just lots of small issues. If he had dementia or another serious health issue, we'd have to put him into assisted living. He has insurance to cover that. But as he is now, he really can't afford one of the pricier independent living places around here and he can't stay in his 2 BR apartment indefintely. He wants to be closer to us, and he's willing to pull up staked in his town and come here. He's a total joiner, so I have no doubt he would find a group of similar-thinking individuals and get involved in groups and organziations.

You guys have raised great points. I am going to think it all over, a lot, and wait for the monthlong trial run to see how it goes. Many thanks to all for your help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will ruin your relationship with your H and your father.

If you father get dementia it will ruin your children's lives.

Your father is only 70 years old. He is not old enough to be moving in with his daughter. I suspect your mom did everything for him and he will expect you to do them same.

If he has a house he is selling you can afford a place like Asbury Methodist. Otherwise, I would look at an over 55 community.

He can do dinner with you once a week and on weekends.

If you are thinking this is a win-win because you need he money you are going down a bad path.

At you a nurse trained in caing for aging adults or dementia. If not you will actually be providing sub-par care when you care for him.

OP again. One more thing. I am for sure not after his money, as suggested here. He doesn't have any. Simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a place he can rent very close to your place? Like a small 1br or studio? My mom stayed on a huge apartment complex in a small 1br two streets down from us. We'd often have dinner together and by 7:30 she would go back to her digs. It was really the perfect setup. I could also be there for her when she needed... Doc appt etc. she eventually moved out of state to be with her old love but that's another story

This or, if you have the space for him to have an in-law suite in your house.
Finished basement or "apt" above your garage.
That way he "lives" with you, but still has his own space to which he can retreat for privacy, peace, and quiet.

[Anonymous]

One thing we dealt with when my grandmother moved in with us was that it was really hard for her to go from being the head of her own household to being in someone else's home. The loss of authority was a big deal for her, and there were a lot of initial clashes between my mom and my grandmother about household-type decisions. If your dad is used to being in charge and depending on his and your personalities, this could be a huge adjustment for him that you'll need to consider in advance. It's party for this reason that my mom said I am not to let her move in with me when she gets older.

[Anonymous]

I really think he should just come visit you more often. That way he keeps his own place and community but gets to see you all as well, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't get postings I see about nannies having issues with grandparents and other relatives being present or dropping by. That is really sad. The kids' relationships with their extended family is a helluva lot more important than a nanny's sense of control, schedule, etc.

This isn't a long weekend visit, PP. this is potentially someone living in the home. Someone who may or may not have outside activities. Someone who may be around the house all day long, following the nanny around, wanting to talk to the nanny, correcting the nanny on what she's doing, second guessing her.

There have been plenty of times I've worked when grandparents have been in for a visit, and it's been fine. But this isn't a visit.

Agree. Original PP, I understand how important the kids relationship with their relatives is, I really do, and the nanny wasn't challenging that- it's just that MOST nannies would not be okay with that- and would probably move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes! I'm a spry 60. Hope my kids don't think I'm "elderly" in 10 years!

Yes, they will consider you elderly at 70. So will most people. Because you will be. Nothing wrong with it though. May you be a spry 70-something too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth does everyone on DCUM think 70 is so old?

Harrison Ford, Martin Scorsese, Joy Behar, Barbra Streisand... Not exactly dottering old fools who can't walk up a flight of stairs or feed themselves.

That's very nice but it is still old.

People don't live 600 years dear. Accept it and move on.

[Anonymous]

If space and privacy are the major stumbling blocks, is there any chance of you moving to a house in the same area but with a better layout -- once that has an in-law suite or could be finished to have one, for example? My parents did this when they were contemplating having my grandmother move in with us. They'd been thinking of moving anyway to get away from duplex living, and so when they started the move-in discussions, they made sure to find a single family home that had a ground floor bathroom and bedroom that could be cut off from the rest of the house with a sliding door. As it turned out my grandmother, in the end, did not want to move, and passed away about two years after we moved into the house. But my parents appreciated having that option and the extra privacy of the sliding door, and my dad has continued to use that part of the house as his private hole for the last 20-odd years. It is something I have thought about too because there is no reasonable way to renovate our tiny colonial in such a fashion, so should my parents or ILs ever need to live with us, we definitely would need to move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It will ruin your relationship with your H and your father.

If you father get dementia it will ruin your children's lives.

Your father is only 70 years old. He is not old enough to be moving in with his daughter. I suspect your mom did everything for him and he will expect you to do them same.

If he has a house he is selling you can afford a place like Asbury Methodist. Otherwise, I would look at an over 55 community.

He can do dinner with you once a week and on weekends.

If you are thinking this is a win-win because you need he money you are going down a bad path.

At you a nurse trained in caing for aging adults or dementia. If not you will actually be providing sub-par care when you care for him.

OP again. One more thing. I am for sure not after his money, as suggested here. He doesn't have any. Simple as that.

BTW... I was not suggesting you were after his money. But you said he would pay rent/utilities. My intention is that when this happens it frees up some of your money. If you become dependent on that freed up money to live and the situation turns badly you are stuck. You can't have him move out because you can't afford it. Also, I know some friends that added onto the house with parents money, put in an inlaw suite, it did not work out but now the parents had money tied up in the house.

It is just a nightmare all around. I have many friends who have gone down this path with not 1 that has turned out positively.

Most my friend (and myself) have a parent move into a close by over 55 community and they are very much a part of their lives but not in a negative way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth does everyone on DCUM think 70 is so old?

Harrison Ford, Martin Scorsese, Joy Behar, Barbra Streisand... Not exactly dottering old fools who can't walk up a flight of stairs or feed themselves.

That's very nice but it is still old.

People don't live 600 years dear. Accept it and move on.

No 70 is not old. I am not the PP but 80 is when people start needing more help unless there is a medical condition that speeds thing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you've thought a lot of this through OP, and are on the right track with the 1 month trial run.

I'll throw in my own perspective, as a nanny.

If the family I work for were to have a grandparent move in, it would be a HUGE issue for me. I am assuming the GP would spent some or most of the day at home, and would not be staying holed up in an office the way WAHP's do. This is disruptive to the nanny's daily routine with the kids, and is confusing for the children to be told "nanny's in charge, even when GP's here" when GP might want to break the rules or sneak treats or whatever. As well, nanny might feel like she needs to answer to the GP in a way. Even if the GP was just sitting in the living room reading the paper or whatever, it significantly changes the work environment for your nanny.

I would find this incredibly hard to work with - frankly, I would not stay if a GP moved in. I might sound selfish or intolerant, and that could not be further from the truth. I think this is an awesome idea and I really hope you guys can make it work. I just wanted to throw in my $0.02 advocating for the nanny. Sit down and talk with her, and be very clear about what it will be like if/when he moves in. You may have to give her your blessing to quit and find a new nanny who is okay with this arrangement, or a new childcare option altogether.

Good luck!

Whatever. The grandfather is more important then the nanny. If nanny feels that way, then she might not be good for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to all for so much advice and so many reasoned opinions. A few points:

My dad is 78, almost 79...not 70. Also, his lease goes through the spring, so he's not moving ANYWHERE right now. I am thrilled that he has plenty of time after my mom's death to take time to really decide what to do. It's way too soon right now to make a major decisions. But the thing is, they were talking about both moving in with us before she died. It would have been easier, in many ways, to have both of them here. So it's not a kneejerk reaction to her death that's causing him to think about this move - it's something we've all been discussing for some time.

The nanny, however lovely she is, is not going to be making this decision for us. I mean, this is my DAD we're talking about. I respect her opinion but if this is how it goes, well, then she'll have to decide if it's something she can't live with.

He doesn't have dementia or any major health issues, just lots of small issues. If he had dementia or another serious health issue, we'd have to put him into assisted living. He has insurance to cover that. But as he is now, he really can't afford one of the pricier independent living places around here and he can't stay in his 2 BR apartment indefintely. He wants to be closer to us, and he's willing to pull up staked in his town and come here. He's a total joiner, so I have no doubt he would find a group of similar-thinking individuals and get involved in groups and organziations.

You guys have raised great points. I am going to think it all over, a lot, and wait for the monthlong trial run to see how it goes. Many thanks to all for your help!

You didn't mention his personality, that would make a big difference.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Personality wise, he is a lot like the PP who said her dad liked to watch TV in quiet (and ended upw tih headphones, great idea). He adores the kids but also really relishes his quiet adult time. He is a major reader and spends a lot of time napping and/or reading in his room, and he also surfs the internet and has a blog he likes to update. He is very, very active in political causes so he would spend a lot of time (whether here or there) protesting or meeting with groups to discuss various issues. He has lots of conference calls and meetings at night. He's actually already attended some meetings in our town and networked a bit with some like-minded folks around me, so he has a head start on joining some new groups and making new friends. He goes to bed early (which would help us with our privacy) and gets up early. He likes to help out, loves to go to the grocery store, and he likes to read books to the kids or show them funny videos on YouTube.

That being said, he is getting older and slowing down a good deal. He does have the tendency to lose patience with the kids at the end of a long day...he can get irritated by the general lack of listening or basic insanity which starts to come out at the end of the day.

He did all the cooking and shopping and cleaning and driving for he and my mom, and I think he would like some of that pressure taken off of him - he doesn't expect to be cared for, but I think he'd like to stop having to worry about thinking up creative dinners for one every single night. That gets old.