My elderly dad wants to move in with us...thoughts, advice, and opinions welcome

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

My parents moved across the country to be near my sister and her family. They ended up fighting a lot, and my parents are now moving back to where they started. A whole household of furniture moved across the U.S. and back again, for two frail people in their 70s. Not fun for them or for us. Make sure you can stand to be with your father for extended periods of time--be realistic. My parents and sister had fantasies of how things were going to be--they were going to heal their relationship, etc etc. No. It was awful.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to encourage you, OP, if you have a good relationship with your dad to try this out. My mom moved in with us early last year because she wanted to be closer to us and couldn't afford living on her own in this area. It has been amazing, and I am thankful every day that my children get to grow up with their grandmother in the house, and that she will spend her final years with us and not living alone. She also does a LOT to help us, which it sounds like maybe your father wouldn't be doing. She does all our grocery shopping and laundry and run errands for us like dry cleaner, post office, picking up the kids from school, etc. My husband also loves having her around because he has a demanding job that can require long hours and a lot of travel, and he knows he's not leaving me alone to care for the kids on my own any more. It's made our marriage much better because it's reduced the pressure to have three adults handling all the household duties instead of two. And Grandma and the kids adore each other. Yes, it is very loud and chaotic in our house, but she thrives off it usually. And when it gets to be too much, she goes to the library or the mall or the nail salon, or just shuts herself in her room and reads. I feel like multiple generations of families are supposed to live close to each other and support one another. We did finish our basement into an in-law suite for her, which is a great set-up for us. In the beginning, she kept wanting to pay us rent, but we insisted all the help she was giving us was more than enough contribution. The only thing that has been troublesome in my mind is that my mom left all her friends where she used to live and has none here in the DC area. Her entire life revolves around being with us, with occassional visits back to her pals, and she insists she's happy that way. But I wish she would get out more to meet people. Sounds like your dad is more active in causes where he'd be bound to make new friends. Best of luck with the choice.

[Anonymous]

I'd be careful about a 1 month trial... you set everything up, you move everything in, and if your dad loves it but the rest of your family hates it, are you going to tell him he has to leave? That would be so hard. How about while he still has his apartment lease, have him start staying with you for a weekends, then for a week, then maybe for 2 weeks over the holidays. Make sure he really understands the chaos. If you have the ability to give him an in-law suite, fabulous, that probably would give him the peace and quiet he needs. But if his room is the converted den next to the living room, then things may be tougher.

[Anonymous]

If you provide financial support to him, is there a point at which he forfeits benefits he would otherwise get? Is providing a place to live, rent -free, a financial risk in any way? I am wondering about any caveats for setting up this type of living arrangement for a parent.

[Anonymous]

Take care of your father, he is reaching out to you, he needs you. I was just discussing this with my husband over dinner, how distant some people are from his parents, how independently people chose to live thier lives, how little importance some give to their parents when they are older. Yes, it is hard to have someone else in your house, an elderly person who will have needs that you'll have to take care of, not easy at all. But think of the joy it'll bring to his life to be closer to his grandkids and his daughter. Family is everything, think about this. Sit is not going to be easy but one day you'll appreciate your decision.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- I would definitely quit if the grandparents moved in. I plan my vacations around their visits, it's that bad.