Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

God bless you, OP. I truly mean that.

I hope you dig up this thread in a year or so and can give us an update worthy of the commitment you have made to your wife, marriage, and family.

I don't know a single couple with young kids for whom life is perfect or easy, and it's hard sometimes to be clear-eyed about what it is we have in front of us. You see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:File this under....

THINGS PEOPLE NEED TO TALK ABOUT BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.

File it under....

Women will pretend to be something they are not to get the ring.

So untrue. By the way, sometimes husbands change too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So untrue. By the way, sometimes husbands change too

Unfortunately for you that happens as often as snowstorms in summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. A lot of it is that my DW made a lot of decisions in a very passive way without my input. She stopped job hunting after leaving a job she didn't like. She just felt it was impossible to get hired pregnant. And with daycare cost, it was a wash. So, she just made the decision to stop working or looking and that was that. There are jobs she'd be qualified for but she just isn't willing to do the work to hustle for them like she used to.

But I really liked our daycare. Our older thrived and our younger one really would benefit from being in a more structured environment. I actually would have been happier taking a small loss and having the kids go because our time together would be quality time and our time apart would be spent furthering ourselves professionally as adults. And truthfully, the wear and tear on home would be so much less because we'd all be gone for large parts of the day. I can tell you right now the house is a mess and will be until this weekend when I will spend it doing a deep cleaning.

I just think that the decision was a bad one and when I try to bring it up, I get tears, demands that she needs a break and wants to just be a mom as her job (I just point our being a parent isn't a job so much as a role in a family. You don't stop being a mom just because you work). Financially, it's stupid for us to not both be working. We aren't saving for retirement beyond my 401k and we aren't saving for the kids' college or anything beyond a few months of emergency saving. That stresses me out.

I actually started therapy to deal with my resentment. It helped but the therapist mentioned that this might just be a phase. So I wanted to see if anyone else went through this...

Dude, look what you just wrote. If your wife worked, her salary would go to paying daycare costs. If your wife doesn't work, you don't have to pay for daycare. If it is a true wash and what comes in goes immediately out, how can you fault your wife for being a SAHM mom if she is not interested in, as she may look at it, working for free? If this statement is true, then you're the breadwinner anyway whether she works or not because her role - whether working to pay for daycare or not working to not have to pay for daycare - has nothing to do with how much money you as a family have each month.

You may not think that a SAHM is sexy, but I'd loooove to see how sexy you think your wife is when she is working 40 hours a week, doing childcare at nights and weekends, and has even less time to cook and clean for you.

This, exactly. Count your blessings that she actually seems to enjoy being home right now. Life in a two career family with babies and preschoolers is stressful all the time and that stress is hard on a marriage. Add to that mix a woman who feels called to stay home with her kids but is being forced by her husband to work in order to maintain his attraction to her? Yah, that sounds like a quick path to divorce.

Is it possible that you are jealous of your wife because you secretly hate your job or are having trouble dealing with financial pressure? If you aren't attracted to her based on what she does for a living, I think you have to ask yourself whether you really love her, the person, or whether you are simply so insecure that you liked having a successful professional wife because it made you feel good about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. A lot of it is that my DW made a lot of decisions in a very passive way without my input. She stopped job hunting after leaving a job she didn't like. She just felt it was impossible to get hired pregnant. And with daycare cost, it was a wash. So, she just made the decision to stop working or looking and that was that. There are jobs she'd be qualified for but she just isn't willing to do the work to hustle for them like she used to.

But I really liked our daycare. Our older thrived and our younger one really would benefit from being in a more structured environment. I actually would have been happier taking a small loss and having the kids go because our time together would be quality time and our time apart would be spent furthering ourselves professionally as adults. And truthfully, the wear and tear on home would be so much less because we'd all be gone for large parts of the day. I can tell you right now the house is a mess and will be until this weekend when I will spend it doing a deep cleaning.

I just think that the decision was a bad one and when I try to bring it up, I get tears, demands that she needs a break and wants to just be a mom as her job (I just point our being a parent isn't a job so much as a role in a family. You don't stop being a mom just because you work). Financially, it's stupid for us to not both be working. We aren't saving for retirement beyond my 401k and we aren't saving for the kids' college or anything beyond a few months of emergency saving. That stresses me out.

I actually started therapy to deal with my resentment. It helped but the therapist mentioned that this might just be a phase. So I wanted to see if anyone else went through this...

Dude, look what you just wrote. If your wife worked, her salary would go to paying daycare costs. If your wife doesn't work, you don't have to pay for daycare. If it is a true wash and what comes in goes immediately out, how can you fault your wife for being a SAHM mom if she is not interested in, as she may look at it, working for free? If this statement is true, then you're the breadwinner anyway whether she works or not because her role - whether working to pay for daycare or not working to not have to pay for daycare - has nothing to do with how much money you as a family have each month.

You may not think that a SAHM is sexy, but I'd loooove to see how sexy you think your wife is when she is working 40 hours a week, doing childcare at nights and weekends, and has even less time to cook and clean for you.

This, exactly. Count your blessings that she actually seems to enjoy being home right now. Life in a two career family with babies and preschoolers is stressful all the time and that stress is hard on a marriage. Add to that mix a woman who feels called to stay home with her kids but is being forced by her husband to work in order to maintain his attraction to her? Yah, that sounds like a quick path to divorce.

Is it possible that you are jealous of your wife because you secretly hate your job or are having trouble dealing with financial pressure? If you aren't attracted to her based on what she does for a living, I think you have to ask yourself whether you really love her, the person, or whether you are simply so insecure that you liked having a successful professional wife because it made you feel good about yourself.

You clearly didn't read the thread before posting.

[Anonymous]

I agree. PP clearly didn't read the thread. Op is a saint.

[Anonymous]

That is so unfair

[Anonymous]

What's unfair?

[Anonymous]

I just read through this entire thread and was surprised that there was so little discussion about OP talking to his wife about how he wasn't happy with the decision but is willing to accept it and stay at his current job if the house and dinner can be in better order. Seems he kept talking to his wife about getting another job instead of accepting her decision and just asking her to be better stay at home mom if that's really what she wanted to do. Maybe cut back on the crafts a bit. If said in an understanding way, I'm guessing the wife would make strides to do a better job at cleaning and making dinner especially as the little one gets older and the two can play together a bit without her involvement every moment.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it depends on where you live too whether it makes sense to be at home or work. If everyone you live near and are friends with also has a dual income household, than it's easier for you to also have this set up. If everyone else as only one parent working, it gets harder to fit in to the neighborhood with other parents who also stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

That's how he fixed it. It was probably the most healthy thread I've seen on DCUM notwithstanding the mommy war bashing.

Female PP here that posted about making her peace about being in the same situation. Good for you, OP! You made the right choice, and reading your eloquent way of putting it is truly inspiring. I might Google you too on those tough days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it depends on where you live too whether it makes sense to be at home or work. If everyone you live near and are friends with also has a dual income household, than it's easier for you to also have this set up. If everyone else as only one parent working, it gets harder to fit in to the neighborhood with other parents who also stay at home.

What else do you do to fit in with your neighbors? Are they as concerned about fitting in with you?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am one of the thread posters. You are doing the right thing. Based on what i read, it really does seem like there's something bigger than wanting to be a SAHM at issue here. Your wife sounds like she is in a place of transitions. She's lucky to have someone willing to support her through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it depends on where you live too whether it makes sense to be at home or work. If everyone you live near and are friends with also has a dual income household, than it's easier for you to also have this set up. If everyone else as only one parent working, it gets harder to fit in to the neighborhood with other parents who also stay at home.

What else do you do to fit in with your neighbors? Are they as concerned about fitting in with you?

Maybe I stated that wrong. If all the kids are having playdates at home instead of SACC, it's difficult for a child of a working parent to make good friends. If all the moms are volunteering at school every day and hanging out at the pool in the summer, you will not get to know them as well if you work out of the house and your child also will not get to know those children as well either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it depends on where you live too whether it makes sense to be at home or work. If everyone you live near and are friends with also has a dual income household, than it's easier for you to also have this set up. If everyone else as only one parent working, it gets harder to fit in to the neighborhood with other parents who also stay at home.

What else do you do to fit in with your neighbors? Are they as concerned about fitting in with you?

Maybe I stated that wrong. If all the kids are having playdates at home instead of SACC, it's difficult for a child of a working parent to make good friends. If all the moms are volunteering at school every day and hanging out at the pool in the summer, you will not get to know them as well if you work out of the house and your child also will not get to know those children as well either.

Why does any of this matter? Are your neighbors' children the only kids on the planet? Is there a law saying you have to know your neighbor moms well? Amazing sheepleness.