If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[
+1 DING DING DING! My DH would get a lot more from me if he didn't A) try to initiate when I am already falling asleep, B) make a fucking effort to hire a babysitter or schedule dates and B) not stay up after me or sleep in on the weekend when I am up at 7am with my son. If you want sex, get the fuck up before I have a preschooler running around. Otherwise, quit bitching. There's only so many hours in the day and I am not doing it at 11pm on a weeknight when I have been up since 5:30 and have to work in the morning. I need sleep. Get over it.

THIS.

OP here. It's not fair that that DH would sleep in, i agree. But having to hire a sitter to go on a date as a pre-requisite to sex is freaking ridiculous. sex is as important as sleep, except maybe to a LD spouse.

My LD spouse has made it clear, over and over, that sex (and TV and booze) are all more important than sex. It's because he says, "Sex is work." You people wonder why I finally had an affair after 15 years of this nonsense.

But see, this is a bigger problem than just sex. There is a difference between an LD spouse who is bewildered by their own changes and trying to work toward an acceptable solution and your spouse, who just sounds like a lazy jerk. But there are a lot of HD posters on here who are painting all LD spouses with a broad brush, suggesting that they have been lied to, that we are all passive-aggressive withholders, etc etc etc. We are not. When you have experienced this dramatic shift in your drive and all the other myriad changes that go along with being a new parent, and your spouse is unsympathetic and not trying to see your POV, well, then you are not a great spouse either IMO and you must accept part of the blame. I don't see a lot of HDer's on here accepting THEIR roles in the situation. I see a lot of blame, anger and excuse making for their own failings.

What roles is that?

Go back and read the thread; see if you can't begin to figure it out.

Can't you write it in 1 sentence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

Don't increase your desire, then. Up to you. Just go through the motions, at least. That's honestly what I want my LD husband to do. I know he won't love me passionately like I want to be loved, or with much skill, but at least put out. I refrained from self pleasure for many years after we got married, because I was under the impression I shouldn't have to take care of myself once married. Ha. I masturbate at least as much as we have sex. Husband would be shocked to find that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, bully. It doesn't work that way for all of us.

A non related question. When you say "bully", is that just some figure of speech from somewhere? Like saying " Well, hell, I could have done that!" I've never seen the word bully used like that before.

As in "bully for you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the replies so maybe this had been covered.

Have you considered that your wife may not be that into you anymore? Is she a SAHM?

I know my mother never put out. She's a SAHM and hate my dad. She stays in the marriage because she doesn't want to work and doesn't want to rock the boat.

This is just my opinion. I think a lot of women are not being honest. I am a woman too and I was in a sexless marriage for years before we finally divorced. What I can't tell my ex is that I love sex, just not with him. I did not cheat and I am not dating. I just simply hate having sex with him because I don't love him anymore.

It is a very hard thing to say to someone. Women tend to dance around the subject and hope that men will forget about sex. I think you need to decide if this is an acceptable lifestyle for you going forward.

Good luck.

I really have a hard time believing that my LD husband doesn't put out often because he doesn't love me. It just takes him 5 or 6 days to get horny again after we hav sex, and nothing I've been able to do - lingerie, toys, couples' videos, doing 90% of the work of the kids and house - has shortened that time period. He's not even 50 yet

So does this make you love him less?

Yes, and respect him less too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, bully. It doesn't work that way for all of us.

A non related question. When you say "bully", is that just some figure of speech from somewhere? Like saying " Well, hell, I could have done that!" I've never seen the word bully used like that before.

As in "bully for you."

http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/Bully+for+you!

Bully for you!
1. an expression that praises someone or someone's courage. (Dated, but still heard.) The audience shouted, "Bravo! Bully for you!" Bob: I quit my job today. Sally: Bully for you! Now what are you going to do? Bob: Well, I need a little loan to tide me over.
2. a sarcastic phrase belittling someone's statement or accomplishment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am asking how you think your child would feel if they were capable of hearing you talk this way about them and their mother? Either hypothetically now or in the future? You have said that you "gave your wife" a child so she wouldn't resent you. Not exactly a wonderful expression of fatherly love. I hope you don't irrevocably fuck up this child - you sound like my own ass of a father, who I hated for a long time and to whom I am now indifferent. Do you want your child to grow up and feel that way about you? Would all the sex in the world be worth that?

Way over analysis. I probably wouldn't even remember this thread in 2 years.

No, but your resentments will still be there. You're missing my point, because you don't want to face how YOUR choices and your role in your marriage is contributing. Bottom line.

My child won't know anything because I won't say anything to the child. What every time frame from now, If i'm still only having sex once a month, i still won't be happy. I don't see what it has to do with my child. Perhaps I resent DW for having another child and therefore preventing me from having more sex? Maybe. What exactly are my choices contributing to?

READ THE BOLDED PART! This is what I am talking about. Are you being purposely dense now? Do you not think that these feelings toward your wife will bleed into your feelings for you child and affect you all?

I repeat - get a therapist, stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the replies so maybe this had been covered.

Have you considered that your wife may not be that into you anymore? Is she a SAHM?

I know my mother never put out. She's a SAHM and hate my dad. She stays in the marriage because she doesn't want to work and doesn't want to rock the boat.

This is just my opinion. I think a lot of women are not being honest. I am a woman too and I was in a sexless marriage for years before we finally divorced. What I can't tell my ex is that I love sex, just not with him. I did not cheat and I am not dating. I just simply hate having sex with him because I don't love him anymore.

It is a very hard thing to say to someone. Women tend to dance around the subject and hope that men will forget about sex. I think you need to decide if this is an acceptable lifestyle for you going forward.

Good luck.

I really have a hard time believing that my LD husband doesn't put out often because he doesn't love me. It just takes him 5 or 6 days to get horny again after we hav sex, and nothing I've been able to do - lingerie, toys, couples' videos, doing 90% of the work of the kids and house - has shortened that time period. He's not even 50 yet

So does this make you love him less?

Yes, and respect him less too.

Well, that's really sad. You've acknowledged that he still loves you, and yet you feel that way. Sounds like you need a therapist too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[
+1 DING DING DING! My DH would get a lot more from me if he didn't A) try to initiate when I am already falling asleep, B) make a fucking effort to hire a babysitter or schedule dates and B) not stay up after me or sleep in on the weekend when I am up at 7am with my son. If you want sex, get the fuck up before I have a preschooler running around. Otherwise, quit bitching. There's only so many hours in the day and I am not doing it at 11pm on a weeknight when I have been up since 5:30 and have to work in the morning. I need sleep. Get over it.

THIS.

OP here. It's not fair that that DH would sleep in, i agree. But having to hire a sitter to go on a date as a pre-requisite to sex is freaking ridiculous. sex is as important as sleep, except maybe to a LD spouse.

My LD spouse has made it clear, over and over, that sex (and TV and booze) are all more important than sex. It's because he says, "Sex is work." You people wonder why I finally had an affair after 15 years of this nonsense.

But see, this is a bigger problem than just sex. There is a difference between an LD spouse who is bewildered by their own changes and trying to work toward an acceptable solution and your spouse, who just sounds like a lazy jerk. But there are a lot of HD posters on here who are painting all LD spouses with a broad brush, suggesting that they have been lied to, that we are all passive-aggressive withholders, etc etc etc. We are not. When you have experienced this dramatic shift in your drive and all the other myriad changes that go along with being a new parent, and your spouse is unsympathetic and not trying to see your POV, well, then you are not a great spouse either IMO and you must accept part of the blame. I don't see a lot of HDer's on here accepting THEIR roles in the situation. I see a lot of blame, anger and excuse making for their own failings.

What roles is that?

Go back and read the thread; see if you can't begin to figure it out.

Can't you write it in 1 sentence?

No. There are multiple situations, statements and attitudes that I am responding to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

Don't increase your desire, then. Up to you. Just go through the motions, at least. That's honestly what I want my LD husband to do. I know he won't love me passionately like I want to be loved, or with much skill, but at least put out. I refrained from self pleasure for many years after we got married, because I was under the impression I shouldn't have to take care of myself once married. Ha. I masturbate at least as much as we have sex. Husband would be shocked to find that out.

Going through the motions is basically agreeing to be used. At least that's how it feels to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Way over analysis. I probably wouldn't even remember this thread in 2 years.

No, but your resentments will still be there. You're missing my point, because you don't want to face how YOUR choices and your role in your marriage is contributing. Bottom line.

My child won't know anything because I won't say anything to the child. What every time frame from now, If i'm still only having sex once a month, i still won't be happy. I don't see what it has to do with my child. Perhaps I resent DW for having another child and therefore preventing me from having more sex? Maybe. What exactly are my choices contributing to?

READ THE BOLDED PART! This is what I am talking about. Are you being purposely dense now? Do you not think that these feelings toward your wife will bleed into your feelings for you child and affect you all?

I repeat - get a therapist, stat.

Actually, I don't. I wrote that so you would call me out so I can shoot it down. No feelings of rejection do not bleed into child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

Don't increase your desire, then. Up to you. Just go through the motions, at least. That's honestly what I want my LD husband to do. I know he won't love me passionately like I want to be loved, or with much skill, but at least put out. I refrained from self pleasure for many years after we got married, because I was under the impression I shouldn't have to take care of myself once married. Ha. I masturbate at least as much as we have sex. Husband would be shocked to find that out.

Going through the motions is basically agreeing to be used. At least that's how it feels to me.

From the other side, doing all the other things that go into sustaining a marriage and family and still being deprived of sex feels like being used as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

Don't increase your desire, then. Up to you. Just go through the motions, at least. That's honestly what I want my LD husband to do. I know he won't love me passionately like I want to be loved, or with much skill, but at least put out. I refrained from self pleasure for many years after we got married, because I was under the impression I shouldn't have to take care of myself once married. Ha. I masturbate at least as much as we have sex. Husband would be shocked to find that out.

Going through the motions is basically agreeing to be used. At least that's how it feels to me.

From the other side, doing all the other things that go into sustaining a marriage and family and still being deprived of sex feels like being used as well.

So, you take care of your children in return for sex from your wife? Not because you love your children in and of themselves? SAD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Way over analysis. I probably wouldn't even remember this thread in 2 years.

No, but your resentments will still be there. You're missing my point, because you don't want to face how YOUR choices and your role in your marriage is contributing. Bottom line.

My child won't know anything because I won't say anything to the child. What every time frame from now, If i'm still only having sex once a month, i still won't be happy. I don't see what it has to do with my child. Perhaps I resent DW for having another child and therefore preventing me from having more sex? Maybe. What exactly are my choices contributing to?

READ THE BOLDED PART! This is what I am talking about. Are you being purposely dense now? Do you not think that these feelings toward your wife will bleed into your feelings for you child and affect you all?

I repeat - get a therapist, stat.

Actually, I don't. I wrote that so you would call me out so I can shoot it down. No feelings of rejection do not bleed into child.

Okay, well if you keep up this way, be sure to ask your child when they are an adult. You may be surprised what you hear and what your child has picked up on. You don't sound very smart, or like you know a hell of a lot about children. Good luck with that parenting thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

Don't increase your desire, then. Up to you. Just go through the motions, at least. That's honestly what I want my LD husband to do. I know he won't love me passionately like I want to be loved, or with much skill, but at least put out. I refrained from self pleasure for many years after we got married, because I was under the impression I shouldn't have to take care of myself once married. Ha. I masturbate at least as much as we have sex. Husband would be shocked to find that out.

Going through the motions is basically agreeing to be used. At least that's how it feels to me.

From the other side, doing all the other things that go into sustaining a marriage and family and still being deprived of sex feels like being used as well.

So, you take care of your children in return for sex from your wife? Not because you love your children in and of themselves? SAD.

That PP was probably referring to all the other bs, opps, things the pro-LD side mentioned like going on dates, compliments, wooing the spouse........ Funny you choose the wrong item to highlight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

Don't increase your desire, then. Up to you. Just go through the motions, at least. That's honestly what I want my LD husband to do. I know he won't love me passionately like I want to be loved, or with much skill, but at least put out. I refrained from self pleasure for many years after we got married, because I was under the impression I shouldn't have to take care of myself once married. Ha. I masturbate at least as much as we have sex. Husband would be shocked to find that out.

Going through the motions is basically agreeing to be used. At least that's how it feels to me.

From the other side, doing all the other things that go into sustaining a marriage and family and still being deprived of sex feels like being used as well.

So, you take care of your children in return for sex from your wife? Not because you love your children in and of themselves? SAD.

Agreed. I am and LD DW and my HD DH would never, ever consider framing things in this context.