"The Dating Cultural Norm That's Making Everyone Unhappy"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think women like men who are higher status, which often but not always translates into income. I make a ton of money and like when a guy makes more, but I can also see being with a guy who is e.g. in a prestigious govt appointment, or has a job requiring a very high level of intelligence that doesn't happen to pay as much, or who has a lower income but has made wise investments and has wealth/security. I doubt Heidi Cruz has any issues with being the breadwinner in her family.

Another example is a BigLaw female partner married to a "famous" session guitarist. He doesn't make much money (maybe $50k total in a good year), but is known by every major rock group and plays on many of their studio albums. She has been to the Grammy's several times and has Dave Grohl or Eddie Veder or Flea or somebody staying at their house sometimes when they are in town.

It's a coolness factor that she could never create on her own. It's also making $50k working a total of maybe 45-60 days per year, so he is essentially the SAH parent as well. He is also busy playing with his local rock & jazz band which doesn't earn much of anything, but has a decent local following.

I'm sorry that's still high status, even if it's not income related. Saying you are ok with a man who has a prestigious govt job or is a renowned guitarist is not a compromise just because he makes less than you.

Doesn't high status imply someone has heard of your spouse or the position they occupy? Nobody outside of the music business has ever heard of this woman's husband (unless you are one of the few that goes to his local gigs).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't high status imply someone has heard of your spouse or the position they occupy? Nobody outside of the music business has ever heard of this woman's husband (unless you are one of the few that goes to his local gigs).

Not at all. High status can be "if you know you know".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was the title of an Op-Ed in today's NYT. I won't post it both due to copyright and as part got (unnecessarily) political, but some of it resonated with me as Mom to a girl.

It said girls are becoming more and more successful academically and careerwise.

But there is a constant longstanding Prince Charming sense that a female should only be with a man who is higher-earning. Since females are eclipsing many males, this leaves a shrinking pool of desirable men everyone is chasing after, who get to set the terms any may be less likely to settle down.

The op-ed cites research that a man is most happy with his wife earning 40% of the household income. And may feel anxiety if she outearns him.

Therefore, many females and males are left single and alone.

Solutions?

The solution is not to read the NYT, especially if you're a vulnerable girl. The paper is now full of mentally sick people promoting overpolitical and unhealthy views.

If you subscribe for the recipes or the crosswords, find a better source.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The average of the women I know is so much higher than the average of the men I know, it’s kind of nuts.

How do you know? Do people regularly share salaries? I have no clue how much money any of my friends or family members earn per year.

[Anonymous]

You’re a “mom” and you refer to women as “females” … I don’t believe it.

[Anonymous]

The solution is that men need to make more money. Wtf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The solution is that men need to make more money. Wtf.

It's a great world for those of us who do, especially with the apps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The solution is that men need to make more money. Wtf.

Women: Men need to make more money! I shouldn't be earning more than my husband!

Also women: Women earn 77 cents for every man's dollar. End the wage gap! Push for more women doctors, lawyers, engineers, senators, and CEOs!

[Anonymous]

The wage gap is the perfect IQ test and anyone who believes it lacks the cognitive horsepower to earn more and is likely propped up by more intelligent colleagues.

[Anonymous]

I never encountered this "men need to earn more than their wives" idea as a current recommendation or expectation before I got on DCUM, and I'm almost 40. I grew up hearing that women could and should be equal to men. That meant I didn't expect my husband to make more, and that prioritizing both of our careers when we launched from grad school would also possibly limit both (e.g. making it harder to move for one person's opportunity). So it happens I make more now, and my husband is not useless at home. This is equality, guys.

Where does this issue come from? Did you hear this stuff from your parents? Peers? I'm honestly curious because I thought this was old fashioned 20 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what women plan to do, but for men there are literally billions of women in Brazil, Colombia, Indonesia, India, Morocco, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Thailand, China, and Japan who would love to marry a reasonably successful American man.

My advice to my son is to avoid American women, pile up money until he is 40, then retire and move to someplace like Thailand and start a family there.

I'd probably skip a few of those countries, but this is how you do it! I've never met a guy who has lived in Brazil, Colombia, or Thailand that prefers dating American women. You also get the benefit of exiting the rat race at a fairly young age.

[Anonymous]

I’m 36, married to a 50 year old. I bring in 65% of our HHI, which is only possible because he is at home keeping our life together while I work long hours and travel. We don’t contribute equally financially or in our home life, and that’s okay. I have several friends in similar situations and I have a feeling it will become more mainstream as time goes on.

[Anonymous]

Many women still emotionally hold men to the role of provider no matter how independent they view or declare themselves to be. Taller. More money. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 36, married to a 50 year old. I bring in 65% of our HHI, which is only possible because he is at home keeping our life together while I work long hours and travel. We don’t contribute equally financially or in our home life, and that’s okay. I have several friends in similar situations and I have a feeling it will become more mainstream as time goes on.

I like you.