"The Dating Cultural Norm That's Making Everyone Unhappy"

[Anonymous]

This was the title of an Op-Ed in today's NYT. I won't post it both due to copyright and as part got (unnecessarily) political, but some of it resonated with me as Mom to a girl.

It said girls are becoming more and more successful academically and careerwise.

But there is a constant longstanding Prince Charming sense that a female should only be with a man who is higher-earning. Since females are eclipsing many males, this leaves a shrinking pool of desirable men everyone is chasing after, who get to set the terms any may be less likely to settle down.

The op-ed cites research that a man is most happy with his wife earning 40% of the household income. And may feel anxiety if she outearns him.

Therefore, many females and males are left single and alone.

Solutions?

[Anonymous]

Hetero marriage has evolved. A husband is a life partner not a meal ticket. I out earn my husband but that doesn’t mean we contribute unequally to our family life. Anyone who doesn’t get this needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

There isn’t one in the near-term. Women’s desire to marry “up” is basically biologically hard-wired, our academic systems result in more women than men going to college, which has downstream effects on professional success. Solve for the equilibrium.

This will continue until it can’t anymore, but there is long runway for this continued dynamic. Eventually this results in sub-replacement fertility, and ultimately replacement by populations with more traditional sex roles and thus higher fertility rates. The future belongs to those who show up. At least until AI makes all humans obsolete, with unpredictable outcomes. That said, it’s never been a better time to be a successful man, one’s choices are endless.

[Anonymous]

I guess people need to evolve. The reality is that during a marriage, earnings may change, people lose their jobs, get disabled, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There isn’t one in the near-term. Women’s desire to marry “up” is basically biologically hard-wired, our academic systems result in more women than men going to college, which has downstream effects on professional success. Solve for the equilibrium.

This will continue until it can’t anymore, but there is long runway for this continued dynamic. Eventually this results in sub-replacement fertility, and ultimately replacement by populations with more traditional sex roles and thus higher fertility rates. The future belongs to those who show up. At least until AI makes all humans obsolete, with unpredictable outcomes. That said, it’s never been a better time to be a successful man, one’s choices are endless.

People want sex and children. They will figure it out. Smart women will find the right puzzle piece male and have kids, even if he’s a public school teacher to her VP.

I’m amused by the quote that men are happiest when women earn 40% of income — for most of human history I’m pretty sure women were almost never happy. Look at the Valium soaked 50s housewife, with labor saving devices, high earning stable husbands but still miserable.

[Anonymous]

Things have changed.
Ignor the article.

[Anonymous]

The average of the women I know is so much higher than the average of the men I know, it’s kind of nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There isn’t one in the near-term. Women’s desire to marry “up” is basically biologically hard-wired, our academic systems result in more women than men going to college, which has downstream effects on professional success. Solve for the equilibrium.

This will continue until it can’t anymore, but there is long runway for this continued dynamic. Eventually this results in sub-replacement fertility, and ultimately replacement by populations with more traditional sex roles and thus higher fertility rates. The future belongs to those who show up. At least until AI makes all humans obsolete, with unpredictable outcomes. That said, it’s never been a better time to be a successful man, one’s choices are endless.

People want sex and children. They will figure it out. Smart women will find the right puzzle piece male and have kids, even if he’s a public school teacher to her VP.

I’m amused by the quote that men are happiest when women earn 40% of income — for most of human history I’m pretty sure women were almost never happy. Look at the Valium soaked 50s housewife, with labor saving devices, high earning stable husbands but still miserable.

I completely agree. Men just have to deal and adapt, maybe develop other skills such as cooking, chores and making a home/running a household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There isn’t one in the near-term. Women’s desire to marry “up” is basically biologically hard-wired, our academic systems result in more women than men going to college, which has downstream effects on professional success. Solve for the equilibrium.

This will continue until it can’t anymore, but there is long runway for this continued dynamic. Eventually this results in sub-replacement fertility, and ultimately replacement by populations with more traditional sex roles and thus higher fertility rates. The future belongs to those who show up. At least until AI makes all humans obsolete, with unpredictable outcomes. That said, it’s never been a better time to be a successful man, one’s choices are endless.

People want sex and children. They will figure it out. Smart women will find the right puzzle piece male and have kids, even if he’s a public school teacher to her VP.

I’m amused by the quote that men are happiest when women earn 40% of income — for most of human history I’m pretty sure women were almost never happy. Look at the Valium soaked 50s housewife, with labor saving devices, high earning stable husbands but still miserable.

I completely agree. Men just have to deal and adapt, maybe develop other skills such as cooking, chores and making a home/running a household.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess people need to evolve. The reality is that during a marriage, earnings may change, people lose their jobs, get disabled, etc.

Except this phenomenon is mainly happening in the West, and in certain Asian countries as well. But unlike East Asia, the West has open immigration policies which means those from more traditional/conservative cultures will continue to migrate here and out breed the liberal progressive minded people who prioritize other aspects of life. Over the next several decades the West will become more socially conservative due to the influx of African/Latin American/Muslim immigrants that don’t share modern gender values. Modern liberalism is a virus that burns itself out eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There isn’t one in the near-term. Women’s desire to marry “up” is basically biologically hard-wired, our academic systems result in more women than men going to college, which has downstream effects on professional success. Solve for the equilibrium.

This will continue until it can’t anymore, but there is long runway for this continued dynamic. Eventually this results in sub-replacement fertility, and ultimately replacement by populations with more traditional sex roles and thus higher fertility rates. The future belongs to those who show up. At least until AI makes all humans obsolete, with unpredictable outcomes. That said, it’s never been a better time to be a successful man, one’s choices are endless.

People want sex and children. They will figure it out. Smart women will find the right puzzle piece male and have kids, even if he’s a public school teacher to her VP.

I’m amused by the quote that men are happiest when women earn 40% of income — for most of human history I’m pretty sure women were almost never happy. Look at the Valium soaked 50s housewife, with labor saving devices, high earning stable husbands but still miserable.

I completely agree. Men just have to deal and adapt, maybe develop other skills such as cooking, chores and making a home/running a household.

The adaptation has already started. As a higher earning GenX woman, there still is some feelings work to be done.

Be careful what books you read to your girls/let them read. And movies. I went in with eyes wide open as a child of the 1970s but still sometimes wish that my Prince Charming would do the financial planning, the plumbing repairs, and the phone plan price negotiation.

I'm looking forward to be a babysitting grandma so my DILs can thrive in their careers. I've saved a few fairytale books about being the man having to be the worthy spouse. One is "A Weave of Words" and the other is "The King's Equal".

On a slightly different note, it's possible that with more female politicians, it could get easier to be a single working mom in the US. There were times in Soviet Russia when that worked pretty well despite what has been a long term shortage of men (starting with WW2 losses).

[Anonymous]

People just need to grow up. My wife outearns me now, I outearned her at certain points, we never cared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess people need to evolve. The reality is that during a marriage, earnings may change, people lose their jobs, get disabled, etc.

Except this phenomenon is mainly happening in the West, and in certain Asian countries as well. But unlike East Asia, the West has open immigration policies which means those from more traditional/conservative cultures will continue to migrate here and out breed the liberal progressive minded people who prioritize other aspects of life. Over the next several decades the West will become more socially conservative due to the influx of African/Latin American/Muslim immigrants that don’t share modern gender values. Modern liberalism is a virus that burns itself out eventually.

Disagree. Once the kids get here they start escaping the cultural conditioning. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are incredibly seductive. Pervasive modern media seals the deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess people need to evolve. The reality is that during a marriage, earnings may change, people lose their jobs, get disabled, etc.

Except this phenomenon is mainly happening in the West, and in certain Asian countries as well. But unlike East Asia, the West has open immigration policies which means those from more traditional/conservative cultures will continue to migrate here and out breed the liberal progressive minded people who prioritize other aspects of life. Over the next several decades the West will become more socially conservative due to the influx of African/Latin American/Muslim immigrants that don’t share modern gender values. Modern liberalism is a virus that burns itself out eventually.

I can’t imagine having this much vitriol for women having choices and options for their lives. Men are certainly welcome to step up and do better in school and earn more (and most men still earn more especially executive levels).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There isn’t one in the near-term. Women’s desire to marry “up” is basically biologically hard-wired, our academic systems result in more women than men going to college, which has downstream effects on professional success. Solve for the equilibrium.

This will continue until it can’t anymore, but there is long runway for this continued dynamic. Eventually this results in sub-replacement fertility, and ultimately replacement by populations with more traditional sex roles and thus higher fertility rates. The future belongs to those who show up. At least until AI makes all humans obsolete, with unpredictable outcomes. That said, it’s never been a better time to be a successful man, one’s choices are endless.

People want sex and children. They will figure it out. Smart women will find the right puzzle piece male and have kids, even if he’s a public school teacher to her VP.

I’m amused by the quote that men are happiest when women earn 40% of income — for most of human history I’m pretty sure women were almost never happy. Look at the Valium soaked 50s housewife, with labor saving devices, high earning stable husbands but still miserable.

I completely agree. Men just have to deal and adapt, maybe develop other skills such as cooking, chores and making a home/running a household.

The adaptation has already started. As a higher earning GenX woman, there still is some feelings work to be done.

Be careful what books you read to your girls/let them read. And movies. I went in with eyes wide open as a child of the 1970s but still sometimes wish that my Prince Charming would do the financial planning, the plumbing repairs, and the phone plan price negotiation.

I'm looking forward to be a babysitting grandma so my DILs can thrive in their careers. I've saved a few fairytale books about being the man having to be the worthy spouse. One is "A Weave of Words" and the other is "The King's Equal".

On a slightly different note, it's possible that with more female politicians, it could get easier to be a single working mom in the US. There were times in Soviet Russia when that worked pretty well despite what has been a long term shortage of men (starting with WW2 losses).

That’s a very good point. Somehow Scandinavian country males are completely comfortable with women as their equals. Americans not so much. With Trump being elected, I realized how sexist American is. I never *truly* realized it before.