In a pickle over daughter and ivy college choice....am I overthinking this?

[Anonymous]

I think while my d has all the qualifications to get into an Ivy, I am concerned about the privileged and elite angle that so many seem to revere. We are at the lower end of the socioeconomic ladder at her very good private school (grandparents paid) but we have had our share of battles over her friends who have 2nd and 3rd homes, think nothing of jaunting off on fancy trips at a moments notice, have had unlimited spending budgets,etc...as a younger girl she coudl not help but compare herself to them and what she didn't have and trust me she had more than enough! Thankfully as she matured, she understood we are all different and felt grateful for the opportunity given to her. In any case her best friend (especially in the last two years they have become very very close) is a good kid but highly indulged from a very very wealthy and connected family. Its a given she is going to both her parents alma matter X University. This is where my own D wants to go too. I am so afraid that she will get in and it will be a continuation of much of what we have gone through but in a much bigger more profound way.

I can see it now, she will not branch out to meet new kids because she will have this built in friend who is already connected there in many ways and will quickly become part of her "inner circle". Truthfully, one of the big highlights for me as her mom seeing her go to college is letting her spread her wings and getting away from this insulated environment and away from the sometimes tyrannical rule of this group of kids she is with. They are not bad kids but kids who are super privileged and used to getting what they want, how they want and when they want. Not the case with my daughter yet somehow she blends in quite well with them, go figure. So..bottom line, am I overthiinking this? Am I justified? She is just a few months away from submitting her applications and I want to be fair but true to my instincts too.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter, if she steps back and really introspects about life, her family, and herself, might be able to continue to an Ivy without getting hungry for the trappings of wealth. The key is how much she matures between now and college.

I went to prep school on scholarship and got a full ride to a very good non-Ivy university in Chicago. The whole time I was surrounded by wealthy kids, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't get to me sometimes. But I accepted it as a challenge that I would have fun overcoming. Besides, I think what I took away from my educational experiences was the value of all the intellectual conversations I had, in and out of the classroom. That did more for me than any visits to my friends' summer homes or swanky parties.

Now I'm gainfully employed and doing fine, but I do think that without having the maturity to not care about money, I might have become painfully insecure and eager to become nouveau riche, flashy, and desperate for "equality" with my prep school friends. That would've taken me down a very different road in life, and I would've been unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are over thinking. Privilege exists are every college. So do students from lower socioeconomic backgrounds. I went to a large public university - still knew A LOT of people who had more money than they knew what to do with, household help, multiple homes, etc. As an adult, I know many Ivy graduates who went on scholarship or were just smart kids from normal backgrounds.

Please let your daughter make her own decision about where to attend college and leave your own reservations/worries/fears/insecurities out of it. This choice is one of the first big ones in shaping her life - let her decide what type of environment fits her best.

[Anonymous]

Don't assume she gets in. Worry about it if/when that does happen. In your small private with connected kids, that might not be an issue for you at all.

[Anonymous]

Lets say I have good reason to believe she will get in. I will not elaborate but she is #1 in her class amongst some other recognizable accomplishments. I do not boast by saying this (do not intend to) but am saying it because I have good reason to think she will get in. Her friend already has "dibs" on special housing and of course if my d gets in she wants her to room with her and why wouldn't she...it is heads and shoulders above the regular housing, and that is just the beginning of what I fear might be a long long road of wealth worship and status mongering,etc.....maybe not, maybe she will surprise me and turn off to it but she is only 17 after all and her friend and her trappings seem to have a hold on her. It IS a legitimate concern, this I know...but the question is do I bite my lip and let her proceed?

[Anonymous]

How are you going to pay for an Ivy education if she does this - loans, scholarship, the grandparents?

[Anonymous]

OP you seem to have a big chip on your shoulder. Relax. If your DD is really that smart then why send her to a crappy school just because she won't be surrounded by wealth. That's really not a good long term strategy. What schools are you thinking about that meet your socioeconomic criteria? Even Montgomery College will have some wealthy kids in it. Have you looked at the financial aid profile for the schools your DD is interested in? I bet it is way higher than your current private school.

I also find it hard to believe that your DDs friend is a shoe-in to any top school and already has "dibs" on freshman housing. That seems very unlikely since the top schools have tried pretty hard to eliminate those kind of class distinctions. If you are that concerned you can certainly require your DD to go through the normal housing process and live in the freshman dorms with a roommate.

[Anonymous]

You are over thinking AND the best way to break up a high school friendship is to send both kids to the same college.

If you daughter is a person who values wealth and privilege to the exclusion of other qualities (kindness, honesty, compassion), that is an issue that your daughter needs to address in herself (hopefully with your guidance). I think you are projecting too much power on the friend. Focus on your daughter. Talk to her about the person she wants to be in the world, talk to her about wealth and privilege (and be clear about what you can and cannot afford to pay for when she goes to college), but it's misguided to think that by keeping her away from this one person you can avoid all the larger issues involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you going to pay for an Ivy education if she does this - loans, scholarship, the grandparents?

Her grandparents have already offered, but I am not sure why that would have any bearing on how I am feeling?

[Anonymous]

I also find it hard to believe that your DDs friend is a shoe-in to any top school and already has "dibs" on freshman housing.

Actually, I believe that. I went to private school in India and there was a kid who knew he was going to go to UPenn since he was 13 years old. Money + connections. And he did end up at UPenn. Decent grades but nothing special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you going to pay for an Ivy education if she does this - loans, scholarship, the grandparents?

Her grandparents have already offered, but I am not sure why that would have any bearing on how I am feeling?

Ivy's also have really generous fin aid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem to have a big chip on your shoulder. Relax. If your DD is really that smart then why send her to a crappy school just because she won't be surrounded by wealth. That's really not a good long term strategy. What schools are you thinking about that meet your socioeconomic criteria? Even Montgomery College will have some wealthy kids in it. Have you looked at the financial aid profile for the schools your DD is interested in? I bet it is way higher than your current private school.

I also find it hard to believe that your DDs friend is a shoe-in to any top school and already has "dibs" on freshman housing. That seems very unlikely since the top schools have tried pretty hard to eliminate those kind of class distinctions. If you are that concerned you can certainly require your DD to go through the normal housing process and live in the freshman dorms with a roommate.

I understand that you might have a hard time believing it but I am 99.9% certain as all of her siblings did and many many people in her family..that she will go there too, think buildings named after them, very big donors along that line. I don't want to say much more because i do not want to compromise someone figuring out what family i am talking about. And they are wonderful and generous people, have been great to my d. But I also know that she cannot keep up with what they do and when shes home its much easier to "corral her in " but with her being on her own and independent I am nervous about her getting caught up in "that world". I didn't even know that kind of housing existed until I was "enlightened". And I was never intimating that I want her to go to a lesser school. Of course I wouldn't want that but was hoping to take her to see a few other ivies to open her eyes but now that they could potentially be together, she has no interest whatsoever in looking at other schools seriously (but has visited 3 or 4).

I am sure a lot of this is my own anxiety about her going away period but I think I am justified in being concerned about how this could possibly go. Normally you go off and are open to meeting new people at a level playing field..if they both go, she will be given a chance to be front row and center from the very start but riding on someone else's coattails to do it. That is my concern. On the other hand, she is very driven and a super academic so maybe she will get very engrossed in her studies and start connecting with others like her??? I can only hope!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I also find it hard to believe that your DDs friend is a shoe-in to any top school and already has "dibs" on freshman housing.

Actually, I believe that. I went to private school in India and there was a kid who knew he was going to go to UPenn since he was 13 years old. Money + connections. And he did end up at UPenn. Decent grades but nothing special.

I believe it too. Some families in DC are in a totally different league when it comes to this stuff.

[Anonymous]

If she was my daughter I would require her to apply to at a good number of colleges she would seriously consider attending, and I would just keep talking her very honestly.

-We are happy to give you a little spending money during college, but understand that you will not be able afford the clothes, travel, etc. that friend will have.
-Friend's family can afford [super fancy housing], but you need to understand that even if you go to [fancy college] you may need to live in the regular dorm because that's what our family can afford.
-I know [] is your good friend, but when you go to college you should also meet other people. The person you hang out with during your first week of college is rarely the person you hang out with a graduation.
-[] lives a certain kind of lifestyle, and that's fine, but I hope you know that there's more in life than being rich and having connections.
-College is a great place to meet lots of different kinds of people.
-You are very smart and I expect you to work hard and get the most out of the experience.
-You should join a couple clubs/activities as soon as you get to school so you can meet people.
-Friendships can change a lot once you get to college.

and on and on...

[Anonymous]

OP I think you are overthinking it as well. If you've chosen to put her in that environment by going to private school, why should it change for college?

I think what you have to hope for and what every parents has to hope for is that the values that you've instilled in your child will take over when they go to college. You also have to realize (and I'm sure you do) that her life, her experiences will be drastically different than what you've experienced yourself. I don't mean that in a negative way, just speaking from a bit of personal experience. How much of your discomfort has to do with your internal feelings vs. your DD's ability to handle it?