In a pickle over daughter and ivy college choice....am I overthinking this?

[Anonymous]

Local public school grad who went to Ivy college/law school.

The Ivy schools have big enough endowments to provide generous scholarships to kids who aren't from wealthy families, and most students now come from public, not private, schools. You cannot control who her friends will be, or their backgrounds. For the most part, students at an Ivy tend to converge once they get there. The middle-income kids from area schools like, say, Quince Orchard or Herndon will get a bit preppier, and most (though not all) of the wealthy kids from schools like Andover, Exeter or St. Albans will tend to play down their family wealth and connections.

If the friend is really a concern, I'd raise with your daughter whether she really wants to room with someone she already knows, or roll the dice with roommate selection. But it ought to be her decision. Your worries would be other people's dreams.

[Anonymous]

This is the most transparent humblebrag I've ever seen, even on the Internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you are over thinking it as well. If you've chosen to put her in that environment by going to private school, why should it change for college?

I think what you have to hope for and what every parents has to hope for is that the values that you've instilled in your child will take over when they go to college. You also have to realize (and I'm sure you do) that her life, her experiences will be drastically different than what you've experienced yourself. I don't mean that in a negative way, just speaking from a bit of personal experience. How much of your discomfort has to do with your internal feelings vs. your DD's ability to handle it?

NP here it would change for college because she will be on her own, living independently of her parents. Sounds like her parents "rein her in" and keep her in check, that will not be so easy to do once shes on her own many states away (assuming).

On the "special privileges" part...oh yea that exists big time. I was a lowly freshman at Yale and let me tell you...I saw and learned fast about the perks of being one of the rich and famous. Connected kids got the best housing joined the best dining and social clubs, got tickets and seats to things us mere mortals couldn't....the list goes on. You have no idea and its not just there but virtually at every Ivy, even every top school. Where this is big money, rest assured this happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem to have a big chip on your shoulder. Relax. If your DD is really that smart then why send her to a crappy school just because she won't be surrounded by wealth. That's really not a good long term strategy. What schools are you thinking about that meet your socioeconomic criteria? Even Montgomery College will have some wealthy kids in it. Have you looked at the financial aid profile for the schools your DD is interested in? I bet it is way higher than your current private school.

I also find it hard to believe that your DDs friend is a shoe-in to any top school and already has "dibs" on freshman housing. That seems very unlikely since the top schools have tried pretty hard to eliminate those kind of class distinctions. If you are that concerned you can certainly require your DD to go through the normal housing process and live in the freshman dorms with a roommate.

I understand that you might have a hard time believing it but I am 99.9% certain as all of her siblings did and many many people in her family..that she will go there too, think buildings named after them, very big donors along that line. I don't want to say much more because i do not want to compromise someone figuring out what family i am talking about. And they are wonderful and generous people, have been great to my d. But I also know that she cannot keep up with what they do and when shes home its much easier to "corral her in " but with her being on her own and independent I am nervous about her getting caught up in "that world". I didn't even know that kind of housing existed until I was "enlightened". And I was never intimating that I want her to go to a lesser school. Of course I wouldn't want that but was hoping to take her to see a few other ivies to open her eyes but now that they could potentially be together, she has no interest whatsoever in looking at other schools seriously (but has visited 3 or 4).

I am sure a lot of this is my own anxiety about her going away period but I think I am justified in being concerned about how this could possibly go. Normally you go off and are open to meeting new people at a level playing field..if they both go, she will be given a chance to be front row and center from the very start but riding on someone else's coattails to do it. That is my concern. On the other hand, she is very driven and a super academic so maybe she will get very engrossed in her studies and start connecting with others like her??? I can only hope!

My brother's freshman roommate at an Ivy league school was a kid whose family had their names on 2 buildings on campus. Yet he was still assigned to regular freshman housing with regular kids. Donating buildings did not result in housing or roommate preferences any different than anyone else. The Ivy League school I went to did not have any special housing for rich kids and did not allow kids to select their own roommates. And the students were far more socioeconomically diverse than the private school I attended here in DC. So maybe you do need to encourage your DD to look at some of the Ivy schools which are more egalitarian than the one she is considering.

[Anonymous]

I understand your concerns loud and clear and would honestly feel the same. If she has her heart on this school ONLY because she wants this school and not because her friend is going then you need to lay down the groundwork first.

A very explicit set of guidelines about spending,etc...and if you dont' want her in the special apt that the privileged friend gets, then tell her this is a stipulations. You have that right, you are her mother after ll. Tell you you want her to meet other kids and she will not be as open if shes rooming with a best friend. I would do that at the least, it will keep your daughter humble and in a true reality check and will allow her to spread her wings as she should during this exciting time.

[Anonymous]

Too many typos above, trying to type on new ipad

[Anonymous]

In this thread: first world problems.

[Anonymous]

OP I don't think you're for real. I think you're a bored nanny who speaks English as a second language. Even if your kid had perfect grades and perfect SATs, that is no guarantee of getting into an Ivy. She'd need a lot more than that. You can keep dreaming though.

[Anonymous]

You are rich STFU

[Anonymous]

Ah, got your goat OP?

[Anonymous]

You're scraping by just fine but DD's grandparents pay for private school? Is that perhaps in exchange for attending their Friday night dinners? Is your daughter's name Rory?

[Anonymous]

Hi no my daughters name is not Rory, not sure what the "Frdiay night dinner" insinuation is and no the goat did not "get me".

Now that we got that clear, I know these are not first wold problems, never made that claim. Just was wanting some advice from other preferably mothers to see if my response to this is "normal" I don't need to ask if its justified because i think it is. I don't also need to tell anyone who is paying for my daughters college tuition and wondering how/why that is relevant ? Seriously I am convinced some people just come here to make annoy and insult. I asked for advice, just was curious to see if others would see things from my perspective, should have figured the snide remarks would start sooner than later.

[Anonymous]

So where do you want her to go instead? A lower ranked school with just as wealthy but dumber students?

[Anonymous]

No! Not at all but would like her to consider other Ivies/ comparable schools. Or as someone suggested and my husband said the same one stipulation be that she be with a random roommate to as to matriculate like everyone else.

I guess what I did not express well is that I don't like the idea of her going into a school with a "posse" already there, that gives her no reason to branch out at all. Part of this experience is living with a roommate you don't know and learning how to coexist with a perfect stranger in maybe a room that's not so great, and meeting all kinds of new people and making plans with new friends. I just don;t want her to be in X's web....all the time at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So where do you want her to go instead? A lower ranked school with just as wealthy but dumber students?

Agree that the logic is flawed. I think the best options for the OPs daughter might be the top state schools like UNC, UVA and Michigan. Maybe UMD if she really wants socioeconomic diversity. There will still be plenty of wealthy kids at those schools but more socioeconomic diversity than at some of the Ivy's and top SLACs. OP, have you taken your DD to visit UVA and UMD yet? What did she think?