Meeting with parents who took ex-DH side

[Anonymous]

It happened that my parents loved, loved, loved my ex-DH. They loved him so much that during divorce and custody proceedings they testified on his behalf. They said that I was a bad mother, bad wife, because I chose to work instead of staying at home like my mother and former MIL. Luckily, we had a reasonable judge who gave me primary physical and legal custody. Ex-DH traveled 80% of his time; our children would've been raised by nannies. It has been 2 years now but I refuse to speak to my parents. To this day, they haven't apologized for the emotional turmoil they put me through. Since my children live with me most of the time, my parents have been trying to see them and even threatened to sue for visitation rights. So far, they haven't followed up on their threats.

My shrink suggested I do a trial visit in a neutral environment, like a playground or a coffee shop or a museum. I am extremely cautious as these people have no boundaries and can start badmouthing me in front of my kids. My kids are completely oblivious to them.

[Anonymous]

Is this a vent? Do you have a question?

[Anonymous]

What does your lawyer say about the potential lawsuit?

I'd be tempted to let them know that they can see the kids on your ex's time, if they like him so much.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should try to develop your own relationship with them first as a trial, to see how you feel? Have lunch or coffee and see how they act. If it starts to go downhill than you will know that they are the same (which, lets be real) they probably are). Keep doing it until they start realizing how they are 'supposed' to treat you. Might take a whole. Then when they are on the right track you can start with the play dates in public places. This way you'll be sure that they're for real before exposing your kids.

[Anonymous]

Oh and they can't get visitation, very doubtful. What right do they have? I could be wrong.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. Let them know that they are free to contact exDH and schedule a visit through him. I would also check with your attorney on the likelihood of them getting visitation rights (I think it's slim but am not a lawyer - I just thought I heard that somewhere).

The thing I would be really worried about is if they see your kids - even in a neutral place with you around - that they will "take notes" on anything they could use to help your ex regain custody - they could even lie or embellish something (when we met little jack and jill at the park, jill told us that their mom leaves them alone at home). And even if it doesn't work - you would have wasted lots of $$ defending baseless claims.

I would spend that money asking your attorney of the chances of them getting visitation rights. My bet is that they've asked their own attorney, who told them it was very slim, so they haven't pursued it.

Actually, now that I'm thinking this through, I don't even think you should suggest they visit the kids through your ex. I would simply not respond to any requests they make about visitations. Just don't even address it. Let them "ask" all they want. you have every right to ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh and they can't get visitation, very doubtful. What right do they have? I could be wrong.

In many states, grandparents do have rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you should try to develop your own relationship with them first as a trial, to see how you feel? Have lunch or coffee and see how they act. If it starts to go downhill than you will know that they are the same (which, lets be real) they probably are). Keep doing it until they start realizing how they are 'supposed' to treat you. Might take a whole. Then when they are on the right track you can start with the play dates in public places. This way you'll be sure that they're for real before exposing your kids.

This is pp again. Why? Why should OP do this? she hasn't spoken to them in 2 years. she gains nothing - absolutely nothing - by developing a relationship with them. And could potentially have them badmouth her to her kids. Even if they figure out how they are supposed to treat OP, the minute they'll be alone with the kids, they'll go back to their real opinions about their daughter.

Sorry OP, you're dealing with this. It sucks when your own parents treat you this way.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so, so sorry. This is truly awful.

[Anonymous]

You and pp may be a better person than I am, but I would ignore them, their requests, and never speak to them again. Personally I think their behaviour is grounds for no contact ever again.

[Anonymous]

No. I'd cut them loose for good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and pp may be a better person than I am, but I would ignore them, their requests, and never speak to them again. Personally I think their behaviour is grounds for no contact ever again.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you should try to develop your own relationship with them first as a trial, to see how you feel? Have lunch or coffee and see how they act. If it starts to go downhill than you will know that they are the same (which, lets be real) they probably are). Keep doing it until they start realizing how they are 'supposed' to treat you. Might take a whole. Then when they are on the right track you can start with the play dates in public places. This way you'll be sure that they're for real before exposing your kids.

This is pp again. Why? Why should OP do this? she hasn't spoken to them in 2 years. she gains nothing - absolutely nothing - by developing a relationship with them. And could potentially have them badmouth her to her kids. Even if they figure out how they are supposed to treat OP, the minute they'll be alone with the kids, they'll go back to their real opinions about their daughter.

Sorry OP, you're dealing with this. It sucks when your own parents treat you this way.

The this the pp you just quoted.

It's a trial -- if she doesn't want to she'll know for sure at that time. And she has to have a relationship with them if they're going to see the kids on her time anyway. Otherwise she should just drop it all together.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I would've cut them loose but it doesn't just end with me. I am not the only child. However, my brother passed away 4 years ago from cancer. My SIL could never stand my parents, especially after they constantly criticized how she cared for him when he was sick. Btw, they never ever stayed with him the hospital or drove him to chemo or offered to watch the kids. A few months after the funeral, SIL moved back to Cali to be close with her family and took her three kids. In four years, my parents saw my nieces and nephew exactly once for 2 hours. At the airport. ANd they managed to scare the hell out of these kids by constant bickering. I am the only one in the area left. I guess they are feeling lonely and old, but they continue to resort to threats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would've cut them loose but it doesn't just end with me. I am not the only child. However, my brother passed away 4 years ago from cancer. My SIL could never stand my parents, especially after they constantly criticized how she cared for him when he was sick. Btw, they never ever stayed with him the hospital or drove him to chemo or offered to watch the kids. A few months after the funeral, SIL moved back to Cali to be close with her family and took her three kids. In four years, my parents saw my nieces and nephew exactly once for 2 hours. At the airport. ANd they managed to scare the hell out of these kids by constant bickering. I am the only one in the area left. I guess they are feeling lonely and old, but they continue to resort to threats.

What do you want OP? You you feel guilty or something, what's nagging at you?

Unless you yourself are willing to start a relationship with them then there's no point in subjecting your kids to it. Kids see the dynamic. If can't put the work in to improve your own relationship with them then in my opinion its not worth it. And if its going to be the same dynamic then you should move on. They have access through the ex.