Meeting with parents who took ex-DH side

[Anonymous]

OP, some people think you should maintain relationships with your family at all costs. I am not one of those people. Sometimes, you are unlucky and end up with family members who are toxic, whatever the reason. If your parents have an awakening and are able to apologize and you want to give them a second chance, great. If not, cut them loose and tell them exactly why you are doing it. Life is too short to deal with negativity and people who treat you badly.

[Anonymous]

I think you know your parents will do you and your children no kind of good. However, maybe you still feel filial obligations to them, even love? And thus you are a prime target for being guilted into a relationship that will oppress you?

My relationship with my parents is not so bad as yours, but I feel that way. Moving to a different continent has helped immeasurably! Rare visits (2 weeks once a year max) and short phone conversations, that I can cut off if my mother gets too insulting.

Refuse to see them unless they apologize in detail for past behavior and promise to stay hands-off. Tell them before any visit that if the visit stops as soon as they start disrespecting you or your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh and they can't get visitation, very doubtful. What right do they have? I could be wrong.

In many states, grandparents do have rights.

No you are absolutely wrong on this because USSC ruled two years ago that grandparents don't have rights to visitation. If you doubt that, see this link: http://www.elderlawanswers.com/grandparent-visitation-rights-12130

Among other things, the link says that"a 2000 U.S. Supreme Court ruling, Troxel et vir. v. Granville (U.S., No. 99-138, June 5, 2000), gave priority to the wishes of the parents in resolving visitation disputes,"

[Anonymous]

You first need to establish whether your parents feel genuine regret over what they have done. Only of the answer is affirmative, should you even consider moving forward.

Also, I forgot, did you parents express desir to see your children? What is that look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must be a terrible mother. My mother doesn't like me as a person but even her narcissistic behind will give me credit for being a good mom.

Now you want to interefer with the relationship your kids have with their grandparents? That is their relationship. I hope they don't hate you when they get older. I like my mother about as much as she likes me but that is our issue. It has nothing to do with the relationship she has with my kids.

PP, quell your BS; you are obviously going through serious transference issues that can only be resolved by a psychiatrist. What's more you're not adding to the conversation.

As the saying goes, "There's no call to be rude."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You first need to establish whether your parents feel genuine regret over what they have done. Only of the answer is affirmative, should you even consider moving forward.

Also, I forgot, did you parents express desir to see your children? What is that look like?

Ok, I reresd the OP. Threstening to sue for visitation rights? Doesn't sound like they think they made a mistake.

[Anonymous]

OP, so sorry you are going through this.

I agree with the idea of first, getting a new therapist who understands that it is non-negotiable for you to "test" a relationship. And if you, yourself, never want to see your parents again, why should you try to fake a relationship so they can see your kids?

So....

1. New therapist for you who can work with you on forging a life without the parents and who will work on your issues of guilt -- because you seem to feel some guilt that you are the last kid left in the area and they are getting old. Don't go there; don't let guilt, which they do not deserve from you, drive you to see them.

2. Get good, solid advice from your lawyer about what rights, if any, your parents might or might not have to sue for visitation. Know this so you are forearmed with the facts and can shoot them down with chapter and verse if they so much as contact you and threaten this again. Have it in writing, next to the phone and computer so you never, ever "wing it" if they contact you and talk this up.

3. Forge new relationships with "family" you create -- your friends, your children's school friends and their families, your church family if you are religious, groups you join, whatever. You will have less time for guilt if you and the kids are busy and active and doing things together that do not give you any time to think about this. And it will help forge links between you and your kids so they know YOU are the one who is there for them, not ex, not invisible grandparents.

Also, I would not tell the grandparents that they are free to see the kids on ex's time. They sound likely to badmouth you out of your presence. They can figure out for themselves that they can call the ex; no need to give them the idea.

OP, how are your kids handling this divorce overall? Do they know about or ask to see their grandparents? Or is this only on the adults' radar and not on the kids' minds at all? I hope it's the latter case. That would make things easier for you. If they start to ask about grandparents (on some inevitable "grandparent day" at school, for instance), it will help if you have those friendships mentioned above and they know they can think of some other older adult friend as "grandma so and so." When they are much older they can choose to see their grandparents but for now you are the parent and therefore the boss. It's that simple.

[Anonymous]

OP I have parents like this. I do not know why they dislike me so much, but life is too short to waste wondering why. They have not seen my children -- too toxic. My life is so very peaceful without them. The "grand parents have rights" has gone thru the courts many times. In most states, they do not. My children, now in college, have grown up so happy. They have never been subjected to torrents of abuse.

[Anonymous]

PP here: I did relent to see my mother when she nearly died several years ago. She was the same. With her remaining consciousness, she poured forth some more vile recriminations. Whatever. My DH and children are my family now, and so much happier.

[Anonymous]

OP I am on barely speaking terms with my dad and haven't spoken to my mom for more than 25 years. Most people who don't understand the situation think I am a horrible person. Most people can't understand. My parents if you met them a at party wouldn't come across poorly so people think I am the one with a problem. Maybe I could have handled things differently. However, the thought of re conciling with my mom pains me more than the thought of not talking to her. She's done some very cruel things to my sister since the event that triggered me cutting off from her completely. My dad has done some cruel things to me so I expect nothing and have built a wall around me when I see him. He complains that I am cold it's no wonder. I'll never forgive him for letting his then girlfriend kick me out of the house for a minor infraction a few months after college. Think something like leaving the dishes in the sink and she blew up at me and screamed told me to get out. Btw-I did apologize before she went ape. I thought she was going to assault me. I never raised my voice and I left heart broken. She had anger issues and I went to live with GP. Each weekend, he would come alone to his parents and berate me and tell me that I needed to apologize to her. Each time he did this the wound got deeper. He also told me hurtful things like I wasn't allowed to come over without calling first after I went back to pick up my clothes. I had no desire to do that but his continual bantering me alienated me further. He never apologized to me. I think the closest was he told my sister if he had stayed with her he would have lost both children. This was 15 years ago and it still hurts.

There are some good things about my dad but each time I try to trust him he hurts me. So I expect nothing. Of course my dad volunteers to find balloons but the day of the party he calls me to say he can't find a place that sells them.
Sorry for the rambling but the most hurtful incident occured 15 years ago and the other incident recently. A person who does what your parents did isn't going to change as much as you might wish. I think you should stay away from your parents and just accept that some people will think less of you for it. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, some people think you should maintain relationships with your family at all costs. I am not one of those people. Sometimes, you are unlucky and end up with family members who are toxic, whatever the reason. If your parents have an awakening and are able to apologize and you want to give them a second chance, great. If not, cut them loose and tell them exactly why you are doing it. Life is too short to deal with negativity and people who treat you badly.

Shrinks. They want you to spend years "working this out" when a simple goodbye would do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am on barely speaking terms with my dad and haven't spoken to my mom for more than 25 years. Most people who don't understand the situation think I am a horrible person. Most people can't understand. My parents if you met them a at party wouldn't come across poorly so people think I am the one with a problem. Maybe I could have handled things differently. However, the thought of re conciling with my mom pains me more than the thought of not talking to her. She's done some very cruel things to my sister since the event that triggered me cutting off from her completely. My dad has done some cruel things to me so I expect nothing and have built a wall around me when I see him. He complains that I am cold it's no wonder. I'll never forgive him for letting his then girlfriend kick me out of the house for a minor infraction a few months after college. Think something like leaving the dishes in the sink and she blew up at me and screamed told me to get out. Btw-I did apologize before she went ape. I thought she was going to assault me. I never raised my voice and I left heart broken. She had anger issues and I went to live with GP. Each weekend, he would come alone to his parents and berate me and tell me that I needed to apologize to her. Each time he did this the wound got deeper. He also told me hurtful things like I wasn't allowed to come over without calling first after I went back to pick up my clothes. I had no desire to do that but his continual bantering me alienated me further. He never apologized to me. I think the closest was he told my sister if he had stayed with her he would have lost both children. This was 15 years ago and it still hurts.

There are some good things about my dad but each time I try to trust him he hurts me. So I expect nothing. Of course my dad volunteers to find balloons but the day of the party he calls me to say he can't find a place that sells them.
Sorry for the rambling but the most hurtful incident occured 15 years ago and the other incident recently. A person who does what your parents did isn't going to change as much as you might wish. I think you should stay away from your parents and just accept that some people will think less of you for it. Sorry OP.

+100. There is no explaining truly awful parents to other people. When I was very ill with a brain tumor, my dad told me to not seek treatment, but to go home and die. That was the end for me.

[Anonymous]

I had a decent relationship with my grandparents when I was growing up but I didn't see them very often at all. Two of them lived all the way across the country - I talked to them once a week and they visited every few years (if that). The other grandparent lived close by and while we did visit her once a week - the adults would chat while us kids stayed out of sight/out of mind in the basement playroom.

If having the grandparents in your children's lives will mean a lot of added conflict/stress for you and your kids, it might be better not to see them at all. If your kids don't see their grandparents, they will still be o.k. Do what is best for YOU and your KIDS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, some people think you should maintain relationships with your family at all costs. I am not one of those people. Sometimes, you are unlucky and end up with family members who are toxic, whatever the reason. If your parents have an awakening and are able to apologize and you want to give them a second chance, great. If not, cut them loose and tell them exactly why you are doing it. Life is too short to deal with negativity and people who treat you badly.

Shrinks. They want you to spend years "working this out" when a simple goodbye would do it.

Sometimes distance - and a lot of it - makes the heart grow fonder..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am on barely speaking terms with my dad and haven't spoken to my mom for more than 25 years. Most people who don't understand the situation think I am a horrible person. Most people can't understand. My parents if you met them a at party wouldn't come across poorly so people think I am the one with a problem. Maybe I could have handled things differently. However, the thought of re conciling with my mom pains me more than the thought of not talking to her. She's done some very cruel things to my sister since the event that triggered me cutting off from her completely. My dad has done some cruel things to me so I expect nothing and have built a wall around me when I see him. He complains that I am cold it's no wonder. I'll never forgive him for letting his then girlfriend kick me out of the house for a minor infraction a few months after college. Think something like leaving the dishes in the sink and she blew up at me and screamed told me to get out. Btw-I did apologize before she went ape. I thought she was going to assault me. I never raised my voice and I left heart broken. She had anger issues and I went to live with GP. Each weekend, he would come alone to his parents and berate me and tell me that I needed to apologize to her. Each time he did this the wound got deeper. He also told me hurtful things like I wasn't allowed to come over without calling first after I went back to pick up my clothes. I had no desire to do that but his continual bantering me alienated me further. He never apologized to me. I think the closest was he told my sister if he had stayed with her he would have lost both children. This was 15 years ago and it still hurts.

There are some good things about my dad but each time I try to trust him he hurts me. So I expect nothing. Of course my dad volunteers to find balloons but the day of the party he calls me to say he can't find a place that sells them.
Sorry for the rambling but the most hurtful incident occured 15 years ago and the other incident recently. A person who does what your parents did isn't going to change as much as you might wish. I think you should stay away from your parents and just accept that some people will think less of you for it. Sorry OP.

+100. There is no explaining truly awful parents to other people. When I was very ill with a brain tumor, my dad told me to not seek treatment, but to go home and die. That was the end for me.

OMG! What kind of person does this??? You are well away from him.