Adopted Brother gone crazy?

[Anonymous]

My brother is 35 years old. Married and has 3 boys. He was adopted by my parents when he was just one day old. My mom's cousin got a girl pregnant when they were both 15. My brother has always known his biological father was apart of our family because he is my Mom's cousin. He never did know who his biological mother was until he found her 2 months ago online. Since he discovered her he's been really pursuing a relationship with her and his other half siblings. My family and I were very supportive of this. The only thing my mom asked for was that my brother not refer to his biological mother as "mom" in front of her. He recently met his biological mother in person for the first time.
3 days after meeting her, he listed his biological mom as his "mom" on Facebook. This obviously hurt my mom very much. He has now listed his biological half sister as his "Sister" on facebook. I wrote my brother telling him that I couldn't understand what he was doing. We had a pretty good life growing up. He now has told my family that he intends moving to California to be closer to his biological family.
Im not pretending to understand him or what he's going through. I am hurt that he's so openly attaching himself to a bunch of strangers he doesn't know. What should i do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother is 35 years old. Married and has 3 boys. He was adopted by my parents when he was just one day old. My mom's cousin got a girl pregnant when they were both 15. My brother has always known his biological father was apart of our family because he is my Mom's cousin. He never did know who his biological mother was until he found her 2 months ago online. Since he discovered her he's been really pursuing a relationship with her and his other half siblings. My family and I were very supportive of this. The only thing my mom asked for was that my brother not refer to his biological mother as "mom" in front of her. He recently met his biological mother in person for the first time.
3 days after meeting her, he listed his biological mom as his "mom" on Facebook. This obviously hurt my mom very much. He has now listed his biological half sister as his "Sister" on facebook. I wrote my brother telling him that I couldn't understand what he was doing. We had a pretty good life growing up. He now has told my family that he intends moving to California to be closer to his biological family.
Im not pretending to understand him or what he's going through. I am hurt that he's so openly attaching himself to a bunch of strangers he doesn't know. What should i do?

What you should do is say, "I'm so happy for you that you've found your maternal biological family. I saw you friended your sister on FB. What is she like? This is all kind of weird for me, but I know it's important to you, and I'd like to stay close to you as you get to know this part of your family."

It's NOT crazy to want to know your biological relatives, and it's not crazy to call a sister "sister". I concede it's very hurtful that he uses the moniker "mom", but she IS his mother. Try to cut him some slack as he adjusts and keep loving him.

(My bio sister that my mom surrendered 50 years ago found us 15 years ago. She's my sister. Not the same as if we had grown up together, but families are all unique. She's my sister indeed.)

[Anonymous]

stay out of it and don't be judgemental. His adoption and his life story, let him pursue it however he likes.
The adoptive 'mom' should let go. No big deal who you call 'mom'. Definitely not at 35

[Anonymous]

OP here. I did actually tell him that the fact he's jumping on the idea of moving there was a bit sudden. He told me that I was overreacting. I told him how happy I was for him when he first found them all and that I hoped he felt somewhat more "whole". His happiness is important to me, as he is my brother. But the fact that he's disregarding my feelings and my mom's shows me that he isn't really dealing with this in a rational way.
Btw, for what it's worth, he was also born with Fetal Alcohol syndrome which makes it also hard to accept.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is looking for something that he feels he has been missing - no matter how great your childhood/parents were. I would support your brother in this new chapter and counsel him to be as considerate as he can in public, regarding your parents. I would suggest that your parents schedule one or two sessions with a therapist or social worker who has experience with adopted children so she can help them empathize with the feelings that are causing your brother to behave in an inconsiderate way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did actually tell him that the fact he's jumping on the idea of moving there was a bit sudden. He told me that I was overreacting. I told him how happy I was for him when he first found them all and that I hoped he felt somewhat more "whole". His happiness is important to me, as he is my brother. But the fact that he's disregarding my feelings and my mom's shows me that he isn't really dealing with this in a rational way.
Btw, for what it's worth, he was also born with Fetal Alcohol syndrome which makes it also hard to accept.

You all act like because you adopted him into your family, that you all own him. He can call whoever he wants, "mom, or "sister." If he wants to move across the world to be with his biological family or even an elephant, let him be. What was the point of bringing up fetal alcohol syndrome?

[Anonymous]

I'm adopted and I found my bio family in my 40s. What your brother is doing to your family is cruel and extremely insensitive. It's also potentially a sign of some larger mental health issues for him. I'm sorry your family is having to go through this. Reunion is very tricky and best entered into with the help of an experienced and trained therapist. It doesn't sound like your brother got that help. I strongly encourage you to seek out a counselor who has several years of experience working with adoption reunion and to get yourself and your parents some qualified support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did actually tell him that the fact he's jumping on the idea of moving there was a bit sudden. He told me that I was overreacting. I told him how happy I was for him when he first found them all and that I hoped he felt somewhat more "whole". His happiness is important to me, as he is my brother. But the fact that he's disregarding my feelings and my mom's shows me that he isn't really dealing with this in a rational way.
Btw, for what it's worth, he was also born with Fetal Alcohol syndrome which makes it also hard to accept.

In what way is he disregarding your feelings? And why should your feelings trump his?

The fact that you bring up fetal alcohol syndrome suggests to me that you are negatively judging his biological mother, who, it seems, was barely a teen when she surrendered him. So, if she was an alcoholic at the age of 14, I have a feeling she has an incredibly tough life 'till then, and I imagine it was excruciatingly painful for her to surrender her child to your parents to raise. She deserves your empathy, not condemnation. How wonderful for them both that they have found each other. It takes nothing away from you or your mother. Why are you making this about you?

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the replies. I will seek out a therapist to help with the situation

[Anonymous]

OP, your brother is certainly acting in an inconsiderate manner towards himself and his adoptive family. You imply that your brother has issues? An ADHD type impulsivity, for example?

You have to protect yourself from the hurt as best you can. Seeing a therapist may be one option. I would not hesitate to tell him straight out that he is behaving in a rash manner and is rather being rather cruel toward you and your mother. In my experience, most people cannot or refuse to understand hints, so it's best to come out with it instead of dealing with years of resentment. Then everything is in the open and everybody can go their own way.

[Anonymous]

He has his own wife and kids, and they are okay with being uprooted to move closer to strangers? What a mess. So sorry your family (adopted brother included) is going through this.

[Anonymous]

How is he being cruel? He has 2 mothers, so what is the big deal?

[Anonymous]

Check out CASE(Center for Adoption Study and Education) - http://adoptionsupport.org/

I'm an adoptee and they were very helpful to me and my family when I found my birthmom. Even if your brother won't go, it might help you and your parents.

[Anonymous]

I bet the new "mom" is not very happy with this situation...

[Anonymous]

OP my heart goes out to you and your mom. Get a good therapist or counselor to deal with this situation. To people who say its his story.com it is all of their lives. Have some empathy! It is not always just about the adopted child and how they feel!