Adopted Brother gone crazy?

[Anonymous]

I find his behavior odd,but not much you can do. Does he romanticize and idealize other things or people in his life?

And what does his nuclear family and wife think about this?! He has a family of his own now. He was raised and loved by parents who adopted him on day 1, and now is uprooting his life and nuclear family to move cross country to what? Be by the people who gave him up for adoption and do what? Ancestry.com research? Or does he think this is really cool and another community/family to be a part of.

I think that if you are actively searching for your birth parents you decided then and there that you want to change your life. It is a Pandora's box.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm adopted and I found my bio family in my 40s. What your brother is doing to your family is cruel and extremely insensitive. It's also potentially a sign of some larger mental health issues for him. I'm sorry your family is having to go through this. Reunion is very tricky and best entered into with the help of an experienced and trained therapist. It doesn't sound like your brother got that help. I strongly encourage you to seek out a counselor who has several years of experience working with adoption reunion and to get yourself and your parents some qualified support.

Agree wholeheartedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet the new "mom" is not very happy with this situation...

Could run the spectrum. Maybe she is doing great and this is a little bump in the road of her on-track adult life the last 35 years. Or maybe she is in need of "help" -financial, emotional, physical- and this is just the opportunity to grasp at.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry this is so painful for you and your Mom who have devoted your lives to sharing it with your brother. His behavior is not uncommon and speaks to a lifetime of disconnect, rejection and loss that many adoptees feel despite the love lavished upon them. He probably feels he has much in common with his bio family and this can be comforting and provide many answers to questions he has had about himself his entire life. I hope things settle down and he gets some insight into how much he values you and your Mother...give it time. There is nothing wrong with telling him his behavior hurts- but leave him to make his own mistakes and keep the door open...

[Anonymous]

As an adopted child, all I can say is fuck you. You try living your whole life wondering where you came from, why you look the way you do, why your nose looks a certain way, why your nails grow different. People constantly remind you you don't belong, maliciously or not. You need to realize what he is doing has nothing to do with you and he is getting what he needs. He is fortunate his biological family is happy to have him. Mine was and I am closer to them than I ever was to the family that raised me. I was 16 when I met them, and have very happily joined all the family activities and holidays. It's nice to feel wanted instead of just dealt.

Whether you chose to acknowledge it or not, he must have felt isolated and lacking during his childhood to make him so eagerly seek out his family. You need to shut up and let him have this experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adopted child, all I can say is fuck you. You try living your whole life wondering where you came from, why you look the way you do, why your nose looks a certain way, why your nails grow different. People constantly remind you you don't belong, maliciously or not. You need to realize what he is doing has nothing to do with you and he is getting what he needs. He is fortunate his biological family is happy to have him. Mine was and I am closer to them than I ever was to the family that raised me. I was 16 when I met them, and have very happily joined all the family activities and holidays. It's nice to feel wanted instead of just dealt.

Whether you chose to acknowledge it or not, he must have felt isolated and lacking during his childhood to make him so eagerly seek out his family. You need to shut up and let him have this experience.

Pot, meet kettle.
You are projecting your own situation just as much as OP is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adopted child, all I can say is fuck you. You try living your whole life wondering where you came from, why you look the way you do, why your nose looks a certain way, why your nails grow different. People constantly remind you you don't belong, maliciously or not. You need to realize what he is doing has nothing to do with you and he is getting what he needs. He is fortunate his biological family is happy to have him. Mine was and I am closer to them than I ever was to the family that raised me. I was 16 when I met them, and have very happily joined all the family activities and holidays. It's nice to feel wanted instead of just dealt.

Whether you chose to acknowledge it or not, he must have felt isolated and lacking during his childhood to make him so eagerly seek out his family. You need to shut up and let him have this experience.

Boy, aren't you an obnoxous, ungrateful brat. Reminds me why I would never ever adopt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adopted child, all I can say is fuck you. You try living your whole life wondering where you came from, why you look the way you do, why your nose looks a certain way, why your nails grow different. People constantly remind you you don't belong, maliciously or not. You need to realize what he is doing has nothing to do with you and he is getting what he needs. He is fortunate his biological family is happy to have him. Mine was and I am closer to them than I ever was to the family that raised me. I was 16 when I met them, and have very happily joined all the family activities and holidays. It's nice to feel wanted instead of just dealt.

Whether you chose to acknowledge it or not, he must have felt isolated and lacking during his childhood to make him so eagerly seek out his family. You need to shut up and let him have this experience.

Bid deal what color your hair is. You are either happy and content in your life or you are not. And if you hate your adoptive parents then by all means continue to let it show. At least they know where you stand, as does DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adopted child, all I can say is fuck you. You try living your whole life wondering where you came from, why you look the way you do, why your nose looks a certain way, why your nails grow different. People constantly remind you you don't belong, maliciously or not. You need to realize what he is doing has nothing to do with you and he is getting what he needs. He is fortunate his biological family is happy to have him. Mine was and I am closer to them than I ever was to the family that raised me. I was 16 when I met them, and have very happily joined all the family activities and holidays. It's nice to feel wanted instead of just dealt.

Whether you chose to acknowledge it or not, he must have felt isolated and lacking during his childhood to make him so eagerly seek out his family. You need to shut up and let him have this experience.

Ummm, feel wanted? Didn't that family give you to strangers or something?

[Anonymous]

OP---do not discount the fetal alcohol effect component. Symptoms of FAE include impulsivity and a lack of cause and effect thinking because the parts of the brain which govern that type of thinking are highly impacted by prenatal alcohol exposure. It could also be that if the FAE resulted in your brother's having struggles the rest of you did not have, then he could very well have spent a lot of his childhood feeling like the odd man out, no matter what your parents tried to do.

As of 13:49, you need therapy. The PP was right, you are an obnoxious, ungrateful brat. I'm an adoptive parent and I think that adoptive kids can sometimes veer off into bratdom because they indulge themselves in the fantasy of the "perfect family" that they somehow missed out on. I'm sure that if the bio-family you are so enamoured with now had done the hard, every-day work of setting limits and daily parenting, then you wouldn't be looking at them through such rose-colored glasses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adopted child, all I can say is fuck you. You try living your whole life wondering where you came from, why you look the way you do, why your nose looks a certain way, why your nails grow different. People constantly remind you you don't belong, maliciously or not. You need to realize what he is doing has nothing to do with you and he is getting what he needs. He is fortunate his biological family is happy to have him. Mine was and I am closer to them than I ever was to the family that raised me. I was 16 when I met them, and have very happily joined all the family activities and holidays. It's nice to feel wanted instead of just dealt.

Whether you chose to acknowledge it or not, he must have felt isolated and lacking during his childhood to make him so eagerly seek out his family. You need to shut up and let him have this experience.

So you want to project your feelings on poor OP who feels rejected by her brother and accuse her and the adoptive family of not adequately caring for this boy and man?

Well, way to kick someone when they're down. Classy, really.

[Anonymous]

I point anyone thinking of giving up their baby to this forum. You guys are true examples of how people feel about birth parents and adopted children. Congratulations on being assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP---do not discount the fetal alcohol effect component. Symptoms of FAE include impulsivity and a lack of cause and effect thinking because the parts of the brain which govern that type of thinking are highly impacted by prenatal alcohol exposure. It could also be that if the FAE resulted in your brother's having struggles the rest of you did not have, then he could very well have spent a lot of his childhood feeling like the odd man out, no matter what your parents tried to do.

As of 13:49, you need therapy. The PP was right, you are an obnoxious, ungrateful brat. I'm an adoptive parent and I think that adoptive kids can sometimes veer off into bratdom because they indulge themselves in the fantasy of the "perfect family" that they somehow missed out on. I'm sure that if the bio-family you are so enamoured with now had done the hard, every-day work of setting limits and daily parenting, then you wouldn't be looking at them through such rose-colored glasses.

My brother has FAE (we are both adopted) and I second both points. FAE might be part of the explanation for your brother's behavior, either because of how it might have affected thinking and behavior or because of how it might have affected his sense of belonging.

And I also agree that some (not all) adoptees can idealize their birthparents and imagine that their lives would have been so much better with them. Most kids, when they are having conflict with their parents, don't have a ready-made alternative to hand; adoptees do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adopted child, all I can say is fuck you. You try living your whole life wondering where you came from, why you look the way you do, why your nose looks a certain way, why your nails grow different. People constantly remind you you don't belong, maliciously or not. You need to realize what he is doing has nothing to do with you and he is getting what he needs. He is fortunate his biological family is happy to have him. Mine was and I am closer to them than I ever was to the family that raised me. I was 16 when I met them, and have very happily joined all the family activities and holidays. It's nice to feel wanted instead of just dealt.

Whether you chose to acknowledge it or not, he must have felt isolated and lacking during his childhood to make him so eagerly seek out his family. You need to shut up and let him have this experience.

Oh I am sure they are happy to have you for holidays only... Now that you dont have diaper explosions, colic, terrible twos or hormonal teenage troubles!
They let other people bear the brunt of real responsibilities, and now get the cherry from the cake...nice!

[Anonymous]

Oh I am sure they are happy to have you for holidays only... Now that you dont have diaper explosions, colic, terrible twos or hormonal teenage troubles!
They let other people bear the brunt of real
responsibilities, and now get the cherry from the cake...nice!

You are an awful and bitter person. If you have children, they will need so much therapy. You have an ugly soul.