Issuing parents an ultimatum

[Anonymous]

Hey... just noticed this subforum. I was wondering where all the MIL rants were, lol.

Anyone ever issue their parents an ultimatum? Along the lines of "We love you, and don't WANT to do this. But if you continue with {this emotionally and financially destructive behavior} we are simply DONE."

Behavior is related to continued financial and emotional support of someone who will just tear their hearts out (again). Like a deadbeat uncle, who could work, but doesn't, and instead lives with them, eats their food, gets on their cell plan, and mooches money to buy drugs. And then lands in jail. Rinse, repeat. A deadbeat uncle who terrorized me as a child (seriously, emotional scarring, not kidding) to the point where my children are not allowed in his presence.

They have recently said, "That's it, we're done, no more" however they have said this in the past. I know that cutting him loose will cause a great deal of emotional pain and guilt for them, however, it is seriously affecting their relationships with every single other person on the planet, bc everyone is terrified of this guy.

DH and I are 100% on the same page, except I think they need a sit-down, come-to-Jesus talk. He - oddly - is willing to let it go without an explicit ultimatum. I feel like the ultimatum is 1, reminding them that this guy is interfering with OUR relationship, and 2, giving them fair warning.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Huh? I am with dh. Your method sounds manipulative, overly dramatic, and game playing.

[Anonymous]

However, DH is with me on the CONTENTS of the ultimatum. He just seems willing to cut them off suddenly, later on. At this point we're both assuming that this cut-off is going to happen, sooner rather than later.

Is it better to "warn them" and have a conversation, or just drop the bomb later when they call to say that uncle has moved back in?

[Anonymous]

I have a strained relationship with my mother, and nearly cut off all contact this winter. However I realized that I could not change her but merely change my reactions to her behavior.

DH and I have decided to set even stricter boundaries that we had before: for example, my parents can come and visit at predetermined times. We will not stay at their house to get sucked into their drama all over again. I find they behave much better in my house

Could you do that? Then you could see your parents and not your uncle.

[Anonymous]

Are you issuing an ultimatum to someone because of the way they handle a third party who is not you or your immediate family? That's not tough love. That's manipulation.

[Anonymous]

I understand wanting to set an ultimatum. But I think you have to be clear what it is. What are the terms? IE< if unle moves back in, you are DONE. What if they spend time with uncle? What if he visits? Etc.

On the done side, what is done? As a PP said, it's about boundaries. Are you saying no contact, whatsoever, zero, zip, nada? Or are there some boundaries you can set? You won't visit them, but they can visit you at specific times and instances? no discussions of uncle? no whining about uncle by them when they've invited him back? Etc.

I'd just be crystal clear about both sides. And I would talk to them.

But, as some PPs have hinted, it's not about their behavior, really, right? It's about your exposure to uncle. So it's not if you see uncle I won't see you. It's "I can't be a party to uncle ruining you, nor can I be around him because of what he's done to me. So if you choose to be around him, I choose not to be around you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a strained relationship with my mother, and nearly cut off all contact this winter. However I realized that I could not change her but merely change my reactions to her behavior.

DH and I have decided to set even stricter boundaries that we had before: for example, my parents can come and visit at predetermined times. We will not stay at their house to get sucked into their drama all over again. I find they behave much better in my house

Could you do that? Then you could see your parents and not your uncle.

Maybe. We have drawn those kinds of boundaries in the past, and they wore down in the face of constant nagging/guilt tripping from my mother.

The thing is, having Uncle in their lives seriously makes them unhappy (Mom anyway). I know they are doling out waaaay more money than they are comfortable with, and when he gets "the way he gets" she is legitimately frightened of him and scared to cross him due to his physically violent reactions. She is prone to depression and he makes it worse, then she gets mad at my dad for not seeing it/being upset also. I hate what he does to them - they worked so hard their whole lives to enjoy these retirement years, and they could if this (manipulative, druggy, mentally unstable) parasite would just go away.

So not seeing him, but still having to deal with the emotional fallout... would be a slight improvement, maybe. That'll be fun, come Christmas. Pass the wine.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, it's not really an uncle. It's a drug addicted, mentally unstable, manipulative, physically violent and prone to breaking the law, sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you issuing an ultimatum to someone because of the way they handle a third party who is not you or your immediate family? That's not tough love. That's manipulation.

Exactly. I don't get it. Why do you need to cut out the parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, it's not really an uncle. It's a drug addicted, mentally unstable, manipulative, physically violent and prone to breaking the law, sibling.

I dunno.

They're not going to boot him out if you cut off contact. They're going to let you go. They just can't do it. He is their child and they are trying to help him as best they can.

My grandmother let my ex-con, convicted murderer, drug dealing uncle live with her until her death. He physically abused her. We called social services and the police. She lied to them about the abuse. He stole her money and sold all her jewelry. We called the police. She lied to the police. He beat her and may have caused the fall which caused her death. She said in the ER "He's knocked something loose this time!" but lied to the police when I called them to say that he had beaten her and she was hospitalized. She would have done anything to protect him. She died protecting him.

Your choice is whether you want your parents in your life or not. That's it. If you want your parents in your life, then you're going to have to accept that they are going to take care of him. You can set boundaries around your relationship with them (Not going to holidays at their house, not seeing them if he is present, not sending money, not taking on care-giving, calling social services/police if there is any sign of abuse) without cutting them off.

Or you can cut them off.

Giving them the "Come to Jesus" talk might make you feel better and it might not. I've had a few of those talks myself and in every one of them the addict/co-dependent turned on me like a cobra and had a ton of things to say about what was wrong with ME. In my experience, those talks don't work and don't make me feel better.

[Anonymous]

The only person you can control is yourself, OP. If you don't want to see the "Evildoer" then don't see him. Ever. Again. Don't involve third parties in your vendetta.

You are a parent. Imagine cutting off a child forever at the insistence of another child. Can you imagine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a strained relationship with my mother, and nearly cut off all contact this winter. However I realized that I could not change her but merely change my reactions to her behavior.

DH and I have decided to set even stricter boundaries that we had before: for example, my parents can come and visit at predetermined times. We will not stay at their house to get sucked into their drama all over again. I find they behave much better in my house

Could you do that? Then you could see your parents and not your uncle.

Maybe. We have drawn those kinds of boundaries in the past, and they wore down in the face of constant nagging/guilt tripping from my mother.

The thing is, having Uncle in their lives seriously makes them unhappy (Mom anyway). I know they are doling out waaaay more money than they are comfortable with, and when he gets "the way he gets" she is legitimately frightened of him and scared to cross him due to his physically violent reactions. She is prone to depression and he makes it worse, then she gets mad at my dad for not seeing it/being upset also. I hate what he does to them - they worked so hard their whole lives to enjoy these retirement years, and they could if this (manipulative, druggy, mentally unstable) parasite would just go away.

So not seeing him, but still having to deal with the emotional fallout... would be a slight improvement, maybe. That'll be fun, come Christmas. Pass the wine.

You need to work on your boundaries. This is a problem with you.

[Anonymous]

*) you see them somewhere apart from where uncle lives - either at your house, or on neutral turf.

*) you do not entertain ANY discussion of him (no listening to their complaints, no complaining yourself)

*) you don't need to create a scene/more drama by offering any explanation. Just do it.

[Anonymous]

I don't see why you need to cut your parents off because of their relationship with a third person. They aren't mistreating you, they are being mistreated. You can certainly refuse to see the uncle, or to enable their financial support of him. You can even refuse to tolerate any discussion of him that does not entail how they might cut him out of their lives. But: He makes them unhappy, so you're going to disown them? Makes no sense to me.

[Anonymous]

I think it's really overstepping for you to tell your parents what their relationship should be with your uncle. That's their business and you're really punishing the wrong people here.

You are free to say that you will only visit when the uncle is out of the house and that he is not allowed around your children under any circumstances, but to say it's either him or me - if you don't cut ties with him, you'll loose me and your grandchild - that's just unimaginably awful of you.

There's a family friend who's seriously dangerous - molested his sister - and I have absolutely zero ties with him but a lot of my family members are still friends with him. That's their decision. I'm able to keep my boundaries and keep my daughter safe while they are free to decide who they keep in their life.