17 y/o's best friend smokes pot with parents... help!
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My DD and I are very close and we love spending time together (I'm a WAHSM, we have similar taste in movies and TV, and she's vegan so we go grocery shopping together). A few weeks ago she told me that she smoked weed at her best friend's house with her friend's dad. I'm glad that she told me the truth and didn't try to hide it, but I told her she wasn't allowed to hang out with this friend anymore without my supervision. Now she says she wishes she hid it from me and regrets being honest. Last week when I brought it up, she said something along the lines of "nothing I say will change your mind so I don't want to talk about it, it's too depressing."
DD was also honest with me the first time she smoked, which was during her sophomore year of HS with friends at the Golden Gate Park. I warned her that I won't bail her out if she gets arrested, and that while I can't stop her from smoking when she's out, I will not let her bring anything into our house or be high in my presence. She seemed to learn her lesson and stopped hanging out with that group of friends on her own. I was very proud of her. This time, though, she started crying and said that I don't care if she's alone and friendless at school. We moved to Montgomery County from San Francisco to be closer with my family, even though DD protested and wanted to stay with her friends. DD hasn't been adjusting too well at school, especially since we moved at the beginning of her junior year. She used to seem well-liked and popular (she was in student government and varsity cheerleading with a diverse group of friends) but doesn't seem to fit in with the cheerleaders at her new school who are apparently a lot more stereotypically "preppy and blonde". I understand why she seeks out the alternative/stoner crowd, but I still feel like I can't just let her hang out with a friend whose PARENTS willingly provide pot and get high with them! Her friend has been to our home many times, and she seemed like a good influence. Compared to DD her friend cares strongly about getting into college (she wants to go to Columbia to study philosophy). She found an SAT prep class they took together, and DD is taking two APs next year so they can be in the same classes. But the last time she came over she smelled like pot, and I noticed she has an NORML (pro-marijuana legalization group) bumper sticker on her car. DD said that she is capable of making good decisions and I can't be chaperoning her all the time, especially since she'll be turning 18 soon. She also said that her friend is tired of my presence, even though she was "too nice" to say anything to my face. I understand that their conversations are a lot more awkward with me hovering over their shoulder. But I feel like her best friend is a very heavy pothead and isn't nearly as good of an influence as I used to think. I want to try and talk to her parents, but I don't know how I should start the conversation with people who enjoy recreational pot and see no harm in it. I can accept a few puffs on a joint at a party once in a while (full disclosure: I smoked a bit in college and grew out of it), but even if marijuana isn't physically addictive or lethal, I don't want her smoking all the time and becoming a lazy pothead with zero ambition. In response to this, she said that being lonely at a new school is a lot more hurtful to her motivation than being friends with a stoner... and I have to admit she might have a point. Recently, DD has been spending less time with her friend but stays in her room. She doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with me like she used to. I even offered to take her car shopping and she said she wasn't interested. She has been eating less, which I'm worried about as she is already on a vegan diet. She is much quieter and doesn't initiate conversation unless she needs something from me. After eating she goes straight to her room instead of staying to watch TV or movies. She is politically conscious so we usually watch the news together during dinner, but lately she turns the volume down and says it's "too loud". There's a part of me that thinks she's just sulking and I'm already too indulgent as a parent, but I still don't want to break up DD's friendship. What should I say to parents who have no problem with pot? Should I trust that DD is mature enough to refrain from becoming an addict? (Sorry this ended up so long. Any advice would be appreciated, and thanks for reading!) |
Anonymous
|
You don't get addicted to pot. However, it does have nasty side effects, like reducing cognitive ability, and putting smoke in the lungs can't be good.
I might just call MCPD and let them deal with it. |
Anonymous
|
Is she an only child?
I think she shouldn't be allowed to hang out at the friends house. Call the dad and politely say you aren't ok with your daughter smkng illegal drugs and ask him not to let them happen again. But she should be able to hang out with her friend in your house, the movies, whatever A lot of people in California smoke pot. I never did and hate it but if you have an issue with it you probably should not have forced your dd to move friendless to San Fran mid high school when she had lots of friends back home. Why did you not just wait two years? |
Anonymous
Not op but they moved FROM San Francisco. Can you read? |
Anonymous
OP here. DD's friend is ambitious and college-bound, and I don't think she should get her educational opportunities taken away as punishment for growing up in a pot-smoking household. I also hate to think how she would react if she found out her best friend's mom called the cops on her family. Still, I could dangle the possibility of notifying the police when talking to her parents... it might be mean but could prove effective 
|
Anonymous
No. This would harm her child irreparably socially. If you call the family, be firm but polite. Say you don't want her in the house due to the illegal drugs, and ask if they will comply with this. |
Anonymous
Ok fine but still why did they make their kid move halfway through high school? And from instate California where she could go to Berkeley or ucla vs umd?? |
Anonymous
| Wow you folks are very much more chill than I am. OP, I would flip the eff out. Clearly I am not from California. I would #1 call the other family and say listen my daughter tells me that you gave her marijuana at your house and smoked it with her, is that true or false? If he admits that it is true, I would say that she is a minor and to not give her any marijuana, or any other illegal or illicit substance in the future. If he said she was lying, well, I would say thank you so much for clearing that up and I would tell my daughter that he lied about it. #2 She would not be allowed to be at their home without me. #3 She would *never* be allowed in the car with *any* member of that family driving. |
Anonymous
OP again (sorry if I double posted, didn't see this post until I replied to the other poster). I really wanted to put it off until college, but it's been a very difficult time for my family and I don't know how much time I have left with my sister, who is currently receiving treatment for stage 3 ovarian cancer. Also, we moved from SF to a safer, suburban area with better public schools to improve DD's chances for college admission. I guess it's time to allow her to go out with her friend without me, as long as they don't go to her house. I definitely plan on calling her parents, but haven't been able to think of what I should say. I was hoping it would be okay without having to talk to them, and I didn't want it going the wrong way and have them antagonize me and DD. Thanks for the response. I guess the best thing to do is to be polite and non-threatening. |
Anonymous
I hope you are joking, this is a very destructive suggestion. Your daughter is becoming an adult. It is time you started treating her like one. So far all you have taught her is that you are not trustworthy. |
Anonymous
Pp here. I agree though that I would not want the friend in a car with your daughter. If friend has pot, your daughter could get in trouble. I agree you should call the family in the manner the other person described |
Anonymous
|
OP again. Thanks to everyone for your responses. This is something very new for me, as I have never had trouble like this with DD. And yes, she is an only child. We almost never fight, and while I trust her judgement, I still fear that she can get dragged into something bad... teenagers at this age are so impressionable.
She also got her license last year so I think it's a good idea to tell her to never get in a car with someone high driving, just like she shouldn't ride with a drunk driver. Thanks for that suggestion. |
Anonymous
"What you do with your daughter is your business, but please don't smoke pot with my daughter." |
Anonymous
You're a f'ing a-hole, in that case. |
Anonymous
|
I'm not sure why this is so difficult for you. Or perhaps you're a troll, but this topic is fun, so I don't really care.
I would call the parents and tell them my daughter is not allowed in their home and to please send her home if she comes over. I would throw in the threat to call the police and CPS. Personally I would end their friendship completely, and then get her into therapy. You sound too wussy for that, so, best to just get her into therapy. Probably was already high when he offered her the weed. Totally pathetic! |