17 y/o's best friend smokes pot with parents... help!

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks again for the advice. I've decided to allow DD to hang out with her friend without my supervision, as long as they never get into a car with an impaired driver. Before I let DD know, I will be calling her friend's parents and let them know that while I want the two to remain friends, I can't have them encouraging my child to break the law.

Should I outright forbid DD from going over to her house, or allow it as long as her parents promise not to smoke pot in DD's presence or encourage it? DD said they had a display shelf in the living room with glass pipes and bongs, and such a pot-friendly environment might increase the temptation to get high, even if her parents don't suggest or encourage it explicitly. On the other hand I understand that parents would want to get to know their children's friends and, say, have them come over for dinner... so I'm not sure.

[Anonymous]

And no, this is not some troll post. It's not a joke to me that my daughter, with whom I am very close, is clearly upset and being distant. And it's not a joke that this is a very difficult time for my family right now emotionally. I really thought that, because we have a good relationship, she would be okay with my supervision and hanging out at our house. I should have realized that DD and I have a good relationship because I've always given her privacy and independence as necessary.

[Anonymous]

The problem isn't pot, thats a symptom. The problem is that it sounds like your DD is depressed, and is therefore drawn to pot, as well as isolating herself. She's not happy and thats the part you have to fix. I don't know if she'd be willing to see a therapist, but thats probably what she needs.

Smoking pot with the father is creepy and wrong and it has to end. You can call the father and say that what he does with his daughter is his business, but he cannot smoke pot with yours. Seriously, there are plenty of things other kids' parents wouldn't think of doing with someone's child without asking their permission. This should be high on the list.

Sure, everyone will be mad but if this guy thinks its OK to smoke pot with another child, he deserves what he gets. I would call the police if he doesn't heed your warning. But tell your daughter as well -- an adults are not supposed to do this kind of lecture -- so that she knows that HER conduct could get them in trouble.

The fact that your daughter is not eating and is spending time alone is a concern. And this creep should not be respected in any way shape or form.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 18:51 - this guy is creepy. I grew up with a lot of delinquent kids (including my 3 brothers) and a lot of pot. My best friend all through high school started smoking unfiltered Camels at age 14 and smoked pot whenever she could get it. I, myself, never had a desire to smoke pot until I as in college and I've never tried a cigarette. It's totally not cool for her parents to get high with kids but it's most especially not cool for a dad to do it with his DD's girlfriend. I don't think you should call the police or CPS but you should definitely call the parents and tell them how inappropriate it is and they need to re-think their choices.

As far as your DD goes, it doesn't sound like she's depressed and you need to help her with it. I highly recommend counseling - family counseling. As the PP noted, pot isn't the problem, it's a symptom. it sounds like you've got a good relationship and that you've handled this well. Best of luck

(Sorry to hear about your sister.)

[Anonymous]

Y'know, I drank with my parents at parties. They didn't believe in pot, but my dad gave me beer. It wasn't a big deal. Pot isn't either. The big deal is that you overreacted and lost your daughters trust. It isn't given automatically, and now you have to earn it back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she an only child?
I think she shouldn't be allowed to hang out at the friends house. Call the dad and politely say you aren't ok with your daughter smkng illegal drugs and ask him not to let them happen again.
But she should be able to hang out with her friend in your house, the movies, whatever
A lot of people in California smoke pot. I never did and hate it but if you have an issue with it you probably should not have forced your dd to move friendless to San Fran mid high school when she had lots of friends back home. Why did you not just wait two years?

Not op but they moved FROM San Francisco. Can you read?

Ok fine but still why did they make their kid move halfway through high school? And from instate California where she could go to Berkeley or ucla vs umd??

Wow, pp. Way to miss the point. You know, adults sometimes have to do things that are extremely inconvenient for their children. In the long run OP may have really have needed to move based on factors that might seem inconsequential to a child. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'know, I drank with my parents at parties. They didn't believe in pot, but my dad gave me beer. It wasn't a big deal. Pot isn't either. The big deal is that you overreacted and lost your daughters trust. It isn't given automatically, and now you have to earn it back

It is illegal. Kids shouldn't use it. It is a gateway drug. Scientist know more about the developing brains of adolescents now than they did back in the 70' and 80's. Of course, some kids will use and be fine and not move on to harder drugs. But for the ones who don't have the maturity or the life circumstances make sensible choices--they will move on to harder, more addictive drugs and ruin their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn't pot, thats a symptom. The problem is that it sounds like your DD is depressed, and is therefore drawn to pot, as well as isolating herself. She's not happy and thats the part you have to fix. I don't know if she'd be willing to see a therapist, but thats probably what she needs.

Smoking pot with the father is creepy and wrong and it has to end. You can call the father and say that what he does with his daughter is his business, but he cannot smoke pot with yours. Seriously, there are plenty of things other kids' parents wouldn't think of doing with someone's child without asking their permission. This should be high on the list.

Sure, everyone will be mad but if this guy thinks its OK to smoke pot with another child, he deserves what he gets. I would call the police if he doesn't heed your warning. But tell your daughter as well -- an adults are not supposed to do this kind of lecture -- so that she knows that HER conduct could get them in trouble.

The fact that your daughter is not eating and is spending time alone is a concern. And this creep should not be respected in any way shape or form.

OP here. Thanks to you and 12:21 for the advice and concern.

I know that whatever I may think about her friend's parents, they have definitely raised an intelligent, thoughtful, kind young woman whose friendship with DD I was grateful for throughout the past year... until the pot, of course. I want to keep that in mind while I talk to them, along with my concern for DD's safety and well-being. I think she's a smart girl who knows how to handle herself, but like all teens, she's weak to peer pressure and outside influences.

You're right; if she feels better emotionally, she won't be tempted to turn to drugs and I can continue to trust her judgement. I think junior year was very hard on her both academically and socially. I have to admit, I hadn't thought of therapy, since DD has always been very sociable and emotionally well-developed. I guess I wanted to think that she was just sulking because she was upset about my rules, when in reality, I've never seen this kind of behavior from her. Even when she was feeling sad or angry (like after a fight with her boyfriend), she would talk to me and I would spend MORE time with her, not less. Where should I start looking for good therapists? I'm saddened that DD can't just tell me how she feels, but it seems like she needs someone else to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Call the police , the guy may be using weed to rape your daughter

[Anonymous]

Tell her and the parents sheis not allowed in their house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'know, I drank with my parents at parties. They didn't believe in pot, but my dad gave me beer. It wasn't a big deal. Pot isn't either. The big deal is that you overreacted and lost your daughters trust. It isn't given automatically, and now you have to earn it back

Did you drink with other people's parents at parties, too? Did other people's parents give you beer?

[Anonymous]

Actually, we all did. It wasn't a big deal. My kids also drank beer, cider and such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'know, I drank with my parents at parties. They didn't believe in pot, but my dad gave me beer. It wasn't a big deal. Pot isn't either. The big deal is that you overreacted and lost your daughters trust. It isn't given automatically, and now you have to earn it back

OP again. I know that almost every teen will experiment with pot at some point and that this country is slowly but surely heading towards legalization... I did raise DD in San Francisco. But occasional experimentation isn't the same as being surrounded by people who smoke on a regular basis. DD will be free to make her own choices within a year, but until then, I want to teach her that when it comes to drinking and smoking, it should all be in moderation, especially when her mind is still growing and developing.

I did overreact by mandating the chaperoning rule, and hope that giving her the freedom she deserves will make her feel better for being open and honest with me. I also realize that she had a very difficult social transition to make, and we should start looking for a therapist if she continues to show signs of potential depression.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a very nice, kind and caring parent and I'm really sorry you have to go through this. A few observations and questions in no particular order, to consider:

You have not mentioned DD's father. What's the story there? At her age, especially if depression is part of this mix, that almost always has something to do with it.

While I very much admire your apparently close relationship with your daughter, and hope to have the same situation with my own (younger) one one day, some of your (beautifully written!) language makes me think you are crossing the parent/ friend line. Your responsibility to her is not to have her like you now, but to steer her on a path that will best serve her for the rest of her life. You and I both know that pot is a sure detour off of that path. Please don't ever forget that. It sounds like it is just you and DD in this family, living in a new city, and you may have inadvertently slid a little too far down the "buddy" category.

Are you involved at all in DD's school -- do you know her teachers, the PTA, parents of other kids, etc.? What about her extra activities? Have you tried encouraging her to get involved in volunteering for an issue she feels strongly about? Helping others and seeing their plights first-hand is good fix for teen age sulking.

Good luck, and please keep posting. I'm learning a lot here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a very nice, kind and caring parent and I'm really sorry you have to go through this. A few observations and questions in no particular order, to consider:

You have not mentioned DD's father. What's the story there? At her age, especially if depression is part of this mix, that almost always has something to do with it.

While I very much admire your apparently close relationship with your daughter, and hope to have the same situation with my own (younger) one one day, some of your (beautifully written!) language makes me think you are crossing the parent/ friend line. Your responsibility to her is not to have her like you now, but to steer her on a path that will best serve her for the rest of her life. You and I both know that pot is a sure detour off of that path. Please don't ever forget that. It sounds like it is just you and DD in this family, living in a new city, and you may have inadvertently slid a little too far down the "buddy" category.

Are you involved at all in DD's school -- do you know her teachers, the PTA, parents of other kids, etc.? What about her extra activities? Have you tried encouraging her to get involved in volunteering for an issue she feels strongly about? Helping others and seeing their plights first-hand is good fix for teen age sulking.

Good luck, and please keep posting. I'm learning a lot here!

Thanks for your response and kind words! I actually noted that I'm a WAHSM--work at home single mom. Dad left the country before DD was born, but we have visited him on occasion.

I personally worry about the friend vs. mom issue as well, so I'm glad to hear your thoughts and know that I'm not being paranoid. Again, we almost never fight as we have both been good at listening to each other, and I seldom feel like she's challenging my authority. I want to acknowledge any mistakes I make (such as holding off calling DD's friend's parents for so long, and overreacting in my rule-making), but also stay firm on certain rules (e.g. no drugs in the house or in my presence).

Regrettably, I'm not as involved in DD's school as I wish I could be. Lately I have been spending a lot of time with my family and sister, but of course this is no excuse since I should always put my child first. We made brownies together for a cheerleading fundraiser, but DD isn't very close with her teammates. When I met them, I could see why--most of them, especially the varsity girls, are very stereotypically preppy, and DD has always had a more alternative taste. They seemed very sweet when I met them, but DD said that she often feels like the odd one out. I encouraged her to join clubs of a political nature since that's definitely her kind of thing, but she was disappointed to discover that a lot of the clubs were founded by groups of friends who just wanted to pad their college applications and write that they were president/co-president of some club or other. I was honestly always a little scared of how intense the PTA seemed, but I'll try to get involved so I can meet other parents from the school.

Thanks for suggesting volunteering! DD is vegan and very passionate about animal rights, and used to volunteer at the local shelter back in SF. I encouraged her to focus on academics during the school year, but now that it's summer it would be a great way for her to be productive and meet people who share her ideals.