Reply to 17 y/o's best friend smokes pot with parents... help!

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[quote=Anonymous]My DD and I are very close and we love spending time together (I'm a WAHSM, we have similar taste in movies and TV, and she's vegan so we go grocery shopping together). A few weeks ago she told me that she smoked weed at her best friend's house with her friend's dad. I'm glad that she told me the truth and didn't try to hide it, but I told her she wasn't allowed to hang out with this friend anymore without my supervision. Now she says she wishes she hid it from me and regrets being honest. Last week when I brought it up, she said something along the lines of "nothing I say will change your mind so I don't want to talk about it, it's too depressing."

DD was also honest with me the first time she smoked, which was during her sophomore year of HS with friends at the Golden Gate Park. I warned her that I won't bail her out if she gets arrested, and that while I can't stop her from smoking when she's out, I will not let her bring anything into our house or be high in my presence. She seemed to learn her lesson and stopped hanging out with that group of friends on her own. I was very proud of her. This time, though, she started crying and said that I don't care if she's alone and friendless at school.

We moved to Montgomery County from San Francisco to be closer with my family, even though DD protested and wanted to stay with her friends. DD hasn't been adjusting too well at school, especially since we moved at the beginning of her junior year. She used to seem well-liked and popular (she was in student government and varsity cheerleading with a diverse group of friends) but doesn't seem to fit in with the cheerleaders at her new school who are apparently a lot more stereotypically "preppy and blonde". I understand why she seeks out the alternative/stoner crowd, but I still feel like I can't just let her hang out with a friend whose PARENTS willingly provide pot and get high with them! Her friend has been to our home many times, and she seemed like a good influence. Compared to DD her friend cares strongly about getting into college (she wants to go to Columbia to study philosophy). She found an SAT prep class they took together, and DD is taking two APs next year so they can be in the same classes. But the last time she came over she smelled like pot, and I noticed she has an NORML (pro-marijuana legalization group) bumper sticker on her car.

DD said that she is capable of making good decisions and I can't be chaperoning her all the time, especially since she'll be turning 18 soon. She also said that her friend is tired of my presence, even though she was "too nice" to say anything to my face. I understand that their conversations are a lot more awkward with me hovering over their shoulder. But I feel like her best friend is a very heavy pothead and isn't nearly as good of an influence as I used to think. I want to try and talk to her parents, but I don't know how I should start the conversation with people who enjoy recreational pot and see no harm in it. I can accept a few puffs on a joint at a party once in a while (full disclosure: I smoked a bit in college and grew out of it), but even if marijuana isn't physically addictive or lethal, I don't want her smoking all the time and becoming a lazy pothead with zero ambition. In response to this, she said that being lonely at a new school is a lot more hurtful to her motivation than being friends with a stoner... and I have to admit she might have a point.

Recently, DD has been spending less time with her friend but stays in her room. She doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with me like she used to. I even offered to take her car shopping and she said she wasn't interested. She has been eating less, which I'm worried about as she is already on a vegan diet. She is much quieter and doesn't initiate conversation unless she needs something from me. After eating she goes straight to her room instead of staying to watch TV or movies. She is politically conscious so we usually watch the news together during dinner, but lately she turns the volume down and says it's "too loud". There's a part of me that thinks she's just sulking and I'm already too indulgent as a parent, but I still don't want to break up DD's friendship.

What should I say to parents who have no problem with pot? Should I trust that DD is mature enough to refrain from becoming an addict?

(Sorry this ended up so long. Any advice would be appreciated, and thanks for reading!)[/quote]

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