Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

In the situation as described, OP did not signal dislike for her child. DH did, but even he held off on a verbal confrontation and did it over text.

If there is an agreement in place, as other PPs have said it should be honored and renegotiated calmly and in advance, not waived unilaterally on a whim by one of the parties, even if the agreement could be better. This is doubly true if the trust between the spouses, which is a prerequisite for giving each other grace and having good teamwork, is lost or not there, and needs to be built up.

However, to echo a previous PP, OP has issues too. She clearly dislikes her husband and resents him for the unemployment and being an unsupported breadwinner, which colors every interaction with her husband in the most negative light possible. She should own how much her anger and burnout are amplifying the strength and duration of her anger. That is probably more destructive to the relationship long-term than any specific splitting of the day. She's not some crazy career-obsessed automaton who hates her kid, but she is inhabiting the martyr role.

Based on OP's update, husband does not think he's in a confrontational situation and has gotten over his tantrum, and offered a deescalation. This is a chance for OP to calmly, kindly say why the text bothered her, or to unleash on him with full anger and bring it back to a fight mode. Her state of mind likely tempts her to the latter but it would be better for the relationship if she took a peaceful way out while still asserting what bothered her, using some of the language in the PPs.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like the husband doesn’t like the current arrangement and wants to change it. I would not have wanted my spouse checked out from wake til 3-4pm every single Saturday.

Some of you all have a very bizarre vision of family life. Did you get this from your own childhoods?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.

Idiot.

A 3 year old doesn't know that, moron. The 3 year old just asked about that night.

^ the point is that 3 year olds KNOW when their parents are dissing them but according to everyone defending OP 3 year olds are totally oblivious. They clearly are not which many of us already know and OP realizes too. But thinks it's only important when it's her husband doing it, she can blow the kid off when she wants.

It is not dissing or blowing off your kid to not be available every single time they want something. There's a larger pattern here where one parent is present and engaged and one isn't.

Of course there is, but both parents are sending the kid mixed messages with this tag team parenting. It's not noble when the mother does it in the eyes of the 3 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

My daughter knew I’d see her when she woke up. In 90
Min.
My husband is gone for a week. I think there’s a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the situation as described, OP did not signal dislike for her child. DH did, but even he held off on a verbal confrontation and did it over text.

If there is an agreement in place, as other PPs have said it should be honored and renegotiated calmly and in advance, not waived unilaterally on a whim by one of the parties, even if the agreement could be better. This is doubly true if the trust between the spouses, which is a prerequisite for giving each other grace and having good teamwork, is lost or not there, and needs to be built up.

However, to echo a previous PP, OP has issues too. She clearly dislikes her husband and resents him for the unemployment and being an unsupported breadwinner, which colors every interaction with her husband in the most negative light possible. She should own how much her anger and burnout are amplifying the strength and duration of her anger. That is probably more destructive to the relationship long-term than any specific splitting of the day. She's not some crazy career-obsessed automaton who hates her kid, but she is inhabiting the martyr role.

Based on OP's update, husband does not think he's in a confrontational situation and has gotten over his tantrum, and offered a deescalation. This is a chance for OP to calmly, kindly say why the text bothered her, or to unleash on him with full anger and bring it back to a fight mode. Her state of mind likely tempts her to the latter but it would be better for the relationship if she took a peaceful way out while still asserting what bothered her, using some of the language in the PPs.

Op here. This is very thoughtful, thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

My daughter knew I’d see her when she woke up. In 90
Min.
My husband is gone for a week. I think there’s a difference.

To you, but she doesn't know the difference between 90 mins and a week. Kids live in the here and now. She doesn't even know how to tell time. There has to be a better way than what you're doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

My daughter knew I’d see her when she woke up. In 90
Min.
My husband is gone for a week. I think there’s a difference.

OP, I say this as a lawyer, but stop being a lawyer about how you interact with people. The need to be right all the time, the constant slight change of topic to make sure you never have to concede anything, the engaging only to respond but never to find areas of common ground, is an exhausting and unpleasant character trait that is common in lawyers, especially litigators. (I assume you are a litigator of some kind.) You seem completely unable to brook any criticism or acknowledge any areas where you might be wrong. Certainly it is good to stand up for yourself, but it really seems like you are going beyond that. And you might "beat" your husband in this battle, but you are going to be miserable and have a miserable family life.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone lecturing OP as if she hasn't tried multiple solutions with this guy? Did you catch the list where they wrote out chores and he included filling out their newborn's birth certificate? I'm not saying I have the answer, but it's bizarre reading "well you just have to say/do/work on X" over and over again. She has, it hasn't worked, and if she says nothing, he takes advantage.

It's much more useful to hear from the PP(s) who's marriages have come back from these situations than from people admonishing OP to do one more thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone lecturing OP as if she hasn't tried multiple solutions with this guy? Did you catch the list where they wrote out chores and he included filling out their newborn's birth certificate? I'm not saying I have the answer, but it's bizarre reading "well you just have to say/do/work on X" over and over again. She has, it hasn't worked, and if she says nothing, he takes advantage.

It's much more useful to hear from the PP(s) who's marriages have come back from these situations than from people admonishing OP to do one more thing.

OP hasn't listed one good thing about her husband. What is there to work on or save? Divorce has been suggested and a few people have vaguely said therapy helped. OP doesn't seem to want to discuss either and just keeps rattling off her husbands crimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone lecturing OP as if she hasn't tried multiple solutions with this guy? Did you catch the list where they wrote out chores and he included filling out their newborn's birth certificate? I'm not saying I have the answer, but it's bizarre reading "well you just have to say/do/work on X" over and over again. She has, it hasn't worked, and if she says nothing, he takes advantage.

It's much more useful to hear from the PP(s) who's marriages have come back from these situations than from people admonishing OP to do one more thing.

Because OP is doing the classic trickle truth we see on threads like this. The OP complains about one thing, doesn't get the feedback she wants, and then starts adding new things that supposedly support a much broader problem. It isn't believable, and I'm not sure why you'd buy her story or think everyone else should as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone lecturing OP as if she hasn't tried multiple solutions with this guy? Did you catch the list where they wrote out chores and he included filling out their newborn's birth certificate? I'm not saying I have the answer, but it's bizarre reading "well you just have to say/do/work on X" over and over again. She has, it hasn't worked, and if she says nothing, he takes advantage.

It's much more useful to hear from the PP(s) who's marriages have come back from these situations than from people admonishing OP to do one more thing.

It doesn’t sound like there is much in the relationship for him either. I’m not a promoter of divorce at all, but there has to be something to save and I’m not sure what it is. It’s just sad they didn’t realize it 4 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

My daughter knew I’d see her when she woke up. In 90
Min.
My husband is gone for a week. I think there’s a difference.

OP, I say this as a lawyer, but stop being a lawyer about how you interact with people. The need to be right all the time, the constant slight change of topic to make sure you never have to concede anything, the engaging only to respond but never to find areas of common ground, is an exhausting and unpleasant character trait that is common in lawyers, especially litigators. (I assume you are a litigator of some kind.) You seem completely unable to brook any criticism or acknowledge any areas where you might be wrong. Certainly it is good to stand up for yourself, but it really seems like you are going beyond that. And you might "beat" your husband in this battle, but you are going to be miserable and have a miserable family life.

+100. What does OP want -- to have a harmonious family life, to be divorced and content with truly splitting their childcare (as happens in shared custody), or to be miserable but "right" and complain endlessly?

[Anonymous]

Wait— I thought OP and her husband were divorced. They’re married and splitting time like this???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your daughter.

+100. Who does this?

You are seriously selfish OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

This nails it.

You see this all the time. Two selfish people can survive marriage because you can continue to be pretty selfish, especially if you are reasonably well off. But add a kid into the mix, and everything falls apart because you have to be so much less selfish. But also, come on, I'm not sure what OP's job is, but even jobs that require a lot of work still afford ample "me time" -- just not many hours in a row.

F you. I’m a lawyer. I kept my family single-handedly afloat when my husband lost his job. I still make more money. I am the source of health benefits. I work hard for my clients and I have busted my @ss to keep my family stable.

-op

Ha! I can see why you have trouble with your relationship.

I'm a private practice lawyer too and the sole earner supporting my family, and yes, even my job affords plenty of flexibility and "me time" during the day. You can't get out for 30 minutes of exercise during the day? You don't surf the internet for little breaks? Come on. Quit being a drama queen. Your life is so easy and you just want to argue with your DH in front of your daughter about 30 minutes of extra time you need to spend with her?

By the way, your DH sounds lame, too, so I'm not just blaming you.

I'm also a lawyer. I get up before the sun so I can work out. Who are these women getting 30 minutes of exercise during the day? I can't work out and then not shower - I'm all sweaty, which is kind of the point.

Yes I surf the internet for little break (or to post on DCUM) during the work day, but that's not remotely the same as getting time for a real workout or other activity in. Come on.

Agree. There is a big difference between a few minutes here and there and a whole morning, while not signed into work (!)