My wife is furious with me for not standing up for her when my brother told her off.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The wife was clearly and very obviously out of line to text the BIL.

I am so shocked though that so many people think the OP should put his brother first. They aren't children and this is his wife not his girlfriend. Your spouse besides your children should be #1. Why does he owe his brother more loyalty than his own wife the one he made marriage vows to. The one he makes life decisions with and wakes up every morning next to?

The only person I could understand him putting before his wife is his daughter because he helped to create her and she is still a dependent on her dad. His brother isn't any of those things. He is just another guy with most likely a family of his own. You get married and create your own nuclear family.

While the wife certainly shouldn't expect her BIL to treat her kids on an extravagant vacation she isn't out of line to expect that her kids do get treated equally within their own household.

My thing is OP stated himself that he has dated his wife for 8 years before he married her which would have made her kids young at the time the started dating. He should be familiar with these kids more than just a friend. That's how you view children you frequently babysit not your own step kids. When you marry someone with kids it is understood that you are to become a family. I'm not saying he has to love his step kids like his own daughter but certainly his wife and step kids should be on a higher pedestal then some brother of his.

You take care of your own family/ house hold first. When those kids are staying with him that is their household a marriage is a partnership.

Also yes divorce can happen but you don't put your brother over your wife in the order of priorities because she can possibly divorce you. If anything you should work harder at nurturing your relationship with your spouse because that's the person you are having or possibly creating a family with. Maybe that's why the divorce rate it so high because people don't grow up and continue to put other family members ahead of their spouse.

To all saying the brother is forever. Well maybe if more people viewed marriage that way it would be better. Also no I know plenty of people who don't talk to their own blood sibling either. My dad being one of them. So no blood and sibling doesn't guarantee forever either.

If my husband put his brother or anyone else besides our dependent child ahead of our marriage I would quite literally tell him to start sharing a bed with his brother, go live with his brother, while he is at it make vows to his brother.

I would expect my husband to laugh me out of the room and do the same if I wanted to preserve another relationship over our marriage and put it first.

His household consists of his daughter, his wife, and his stepkids while they are living there not his brother. His brother isn't his immediate family but rather extended family but his daughter and wife is so it's time to prioritize them and stop being so protective and concerned over his relationship with his brother a grown man that probably has a family of his own over preserving and protecting his relationship with his own wife.

+1000

Why do people act like he owes his brother something. What does he owe his brother over his own wife?

I agree with much of what you are saying, but I think most people would consider siblings “immediate” family. I mean I wouldn’t put my siblings above my spouse, but I’m also not going to disown my siblings over some clearly spouse shenanigans.

I don't mean disown your sibling. I always thought when you get married though you are forming your own immediate family and everyone else becomes extended. You are no longer living with your sibling your spouse and any children you may have become your immediate family.

I was responding to the posters who were saying that a brother should be put ahead of the wife because that's his brother. Well that's his wife.

Nobody is saying put the brother first but the wife has undermined the husband and gone behind his back to make a ludicrous demand of his brother. OP doesn't have to support his wife over his brother when she's in the wrong just because they are married. Wrong is wrong. The only people defending the wife have to be step mothers who want to pretend their blended families are exactly the same as families where everyone is biologically related. One big happy family, right?

I mean yeah what's wrong with wanting one big happy family. Again with needing to be biologically related nonsense to be a family. Blood and biology doesn't mean anything when it comes to love. What about adopted kids?

Very good point. The OP's wife should therefore offer to pay for Dubai vacations fir her daughters, OP's daughter, and the aunt and uncle.

I think she did. Or she at least offered to pay for her daughters. That’s why he told he that it wasn’t about money. It was because he doesn’t like her or her kids.

Are you John Fetterman? Because if what you got out of this thread is that wife offered to pay for her daughters, you must have a TBI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the disturbing pattern here is that you didn’t stand up for anyone except your daughter—including yourself.

Your wife is 100% wrong.

Your brother is 100% right BUT he did disrespect your wife and family in the way he expressed it bc he knew full well the problems that would create for you and how now you won’t be able to have him over at your house. He doesn’t like your wife, fine: he doesn’t get to say so. And he certainly doesn’t get to insult your step kids. He gets to say no. You chose this woman and these kids and made them your family and yes, your loyalty should be to them not your brother. That’s not to say She isn’t wrong. She is. But he can say no without degrading your family. OTOH you wife is absolutely trying to sabotage this relationship and your daughter’s relationship with her uncle, and you need to defend that to the teeth.

So:
1) you didn’t defend your wife against your brother
2) you didn’t defend your daughter against your wife
3) you didn’t defend yourself against your wife and have been sleeping on the sofa.

Your wife is the common denominator and source of these problems. However, she’s your wife now, and you need to defend your own family and yourself.

BIL did not insult the wife or stepchildren. He said he did not like them when she asked why he would not agree to pay for them.

She didn’t ask him to pay for them. Where are you getting that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife was clearly and very obviously out of line to text the BIL.

I am so shocked though that so many people think the OP should put his brother first. They aren't children and this is his wife not his girlfriend. Your spouse besides your children should be #1. Why does he owe his brother more loyalty than his own wife the one he made marriage vows to. The one he makes life decisions with and wakes up every morning next to?

The only person I could understand him putting before his wife is his daughter because he helped to create her and she is still a dependent on her dad. His brother isn't any of those things. He is just another guy with most likely a family of his own. You get married and create your own nuclear family.

While the wife certainly shouldn't expect her BIL to treat her kids on an extravagant vacation she isn't out of line to expect that her kids do get treated equally within their own household.

My thing is OP stated himself that he has dated his wife for 8 years before he married her which would have made her kids young at the time the started dating. He should be familiar with these kids more than just a friend. That's how you view children you frequently babysit not your own step kids. When you marry someone with kids it is understood that you are to become a family. I'm not saying he has to love his step kids like his own daughter but certainly his wife and step kids should be on a higher pedestal then some brother of his.

You take care of your own family/ house hold first. When those kids are staying with him that is their household a marriage is a partnership.

Also yes divorce can happen but you don't put your brother over your wife in the order of priorities because she can possibly divorce you. If anything you should work harder at nurturing your relationship with your spouse because that's the person you are having or possibly creating a family with. Maybe that's why the divorce rate it so high because people don't grow up and continue to put other family members ahead of their spouse.

To all saying the brother is forever. Well maybe if more people viewed marriage that way it would be better. Also no I know plenty of people who don't talk to their own blood sibling either. My dad being one of them. So no blood and sibling doesn't guarantee forever either.

If my husband put his brother or anyone else besides our dependent child ahead of our marriage I would quite literally tell him to start sharing a bed with his brother, go live with his brother, while he is at it make vows to his brother.

I would expect my husband to laugh me out of the room and do the same if I wanted to preserve another relationship over our marriage and put it first.

His household consists of his daughter, his wife, and his stepkids while they are living there not his brother. His brother isn't his immediate family but rather extended family but his daughter and wife is so it's time to prioritize them and stop being so protective and concerned over his relationship with his brother a grown man that probably has a family of his own over preserving and protecting his relationship with his own wife.

+1000

Why do people act like he owes his brother something. What does he owe his brother over his own wife?

I agree with much of what you are saying, but I think most people would consider siblings “immediate” family. I mean I wouldn’t put my siblings above my spouse, but I’m also not going to disown my siblings over some clearly spouse shenanigans.

I don't mean disown your sibling. I always thought when you get married though you are forming your own immediate family and everyone else becomes extended. You are no longer living with your sibling your spouse and any children you may have become your immediate family.

I was responding to the posters who were saying that a brother should be put ahead of the wife because that's his brother. Well that's his wife.

Nobody is saying put the brother first but the wife has undermined the husband and gone behind his back to make a ludicrous demand of his brother. OP doesn't have to support his wife over his brother when she's in the wrong just because they are married. Wrong is wrong. The only people defending the wife have to be step mothers who want to pretend their blended families are exactly the same as families where everyone is biologically related. One big happy family, right?

I mean yeah what's wrong with wanting one big happy family. Again with needing to be biologically related nonsense to be a family. Blood and biology doesn't mean anything when it comes to love. What about adopted kids?

Very good point. The OP's wife should therefore offer to pay for Dubai vacations fir her daughters, OP's daughter, and the aunt and uncle.

I think she did. Or she at least offered to pay for her daughters. That’s why he told he that it wasn’t about money. It was because he doesn’t like her or her kids.

Are you John Fetterman? Because if what you got out of this thread is that wife offered to pay for her daughters, you must have a TBI.

If she doesn’t expect her husband to pay for her daughters, why would she expect her brother in law to?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:And, you OP have responsibility to protect relationship of your daughter with her blood aunt or uncle and not let money grabber greedy stepdaughter mess it up

Right because blood is automatically always more important than your relationship with your spouse...

I would definitely put my daughter before my spouse who was trying to drive a wedge between us. Spouse is easily replaced.

I'm not referring to the daughter I'm referring to his brother. Why does he owe his brother loyalty over the woman he chose to marry??

Everyone here seems to say his relationship with his brother is more important than his relationship with his wife. Your wife is now your immediate family and after marriage your siblings become extended family

Think it through, if you shut down the trips with the loving aunt and uncle you risk alienating the daughter. It's all related. OP has only been married 6 months and the wife is pulling the bait and switch. She knew about these trips, and now she's trying to change the rules to her benefit. I wouldn't jeopardize my relationship with my daughter for a duplicitous spouse.

6 months or 60 years you are still married just the same. Don't marry someone with kids if you put your relationship with your brother over the relationship with your step kids.

You know marriages can be ended with divorce, right? The daughter is forever the spouse is not.

I'm talking about the brother. You should owe your wife and children a little more than your sibling

Mmkay. Then the BROTHER is forever. The spouse is not.

I'm so shocked everyone on here thinks the brother should be more important than your own spouse. Do you create a family with your sibling? Did you make vows with your sibling? You literally create vows with your spouse not your sibling. Once married you are creating your own nuclear family and putting them first.

Would you expect your own spouse to put their sibling ahead of you just based on principle that they are your sibling?

Those vows are worth nothing. They are dispensed with when they are inconvenient. You don’t need vows with siblings because they remain your sibling no matter what. Same with parents.

Considering the OP and his evil wife were both previously married, it is laughable to talk about “vows to put them first”.

This. For all the people saying that spouses are forever, OP and his wife both know that this isn’t true. OP is on his second marriage, his brother is still his brother. I could see this marriage dissolving and OP still having a good relationship with his brother. It’s not nice to talk about, but it’s true.

Ok but he he is still married to his current wife so at this juncture his loyalty should go to his wife over his brother.

“loyalty” does not mean you put up with whatever bullsh*t your spouse pulls. And here, he needs to be loyal to his CHILD first and foremost. That means absolutely not tolerating his wife’s obvious attempt to sabotage her trip and her fanning the flames of jealousy among the children.

Putting the CHILD or children first is the reason so many marriages on this board fail or are sexless.

LOL no it's not. Putting themselves first is why so many people's marriages fail. OP's wife put herself first, or tried to. If she really wanted the brother to take her daughters on a vacation along with OP's daughter, SHE SHOULD HAVE OFFERED TO PAY THEIR WAYS OUT OF HER OWN MONEY.

She didn't because she is a greedy inconsiderate whiny person. So are her daughters. That is why the brother doesn't like them.

I’m sure that she did. Why wouldn’t she offer to pay for them?
OP never gave any indication that either he or his brother paid for anything for his wife’s daughters. He doesn’t want to take them because he doesn’t like them and doesn’t want them on his trip.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like the step-daughters are vying to spend time with the OP's daughter or brother in general...but they want in on a trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like the step-daughters are vying to spend time with the OP's daughter or brother in general...but they want in on a trip?

The girls don’t even like each other. OPs wife should spend her own time and money planning a family trip to work on bonding because uncle isn’t going to play that part or get involved in this family mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like the step-daughters are vying to spend time with the OP's daughter or brother in general...but they want in on a trip?

Yes. These are girls who think it’s perfectly normal for people not to like them or to treat them like sh!t. Did you not read how their stepfather thinks of them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like the step-daughters are vying to spend time with the OP's daughter or brother in general...but they want in on a trip?

Yes. These are girls who think it’s perfectly normal for people not to like them or to treat them like sh!t. Did you not read how their stepfather thinks of them?

I read that they think of him as a friend and they have a good relationship. I also read the the stepsisters don't get along with OPs daughter. Maybe the girls aren't very nice and haven't been nice to their new stepsister and her uncle is looking out for her and not forcing her to vacation with people who treat her like shit or don't like her.

[Anonymous]

Wife is wrong. Brother was rude but right.

OP: I have NO IDEA why you chose to get married before kids are in college...you are so close and this would have been a non-issue.

You should not have married her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, you OP have responsibility to protect relationship of your daughter with her blood aunt or uncle and not let money grabber greedy stepdaughter mess it up

Right because blood is automatically always more important than your relationship with your spouse...

I would definitely put my daughter before my spouse who was trying to drive a wedge between us. Spouse is easily replaced.

I'm not referring to the daughter I'm referring to his brother. Why does he owe his brother loyalty over the woman he chose to marry??

Everyone here seems to say his relationship with his brother is more important than his relationship with his wife. Your wife is now your immediate family and after marriage your siblings become extended family

It’s not about owing the brother loyalty, it’s that as a reasonable sane person you need to side with the reasonable sane person in a disagreement and not with the unreasonable insane one. Even if that unreasonable insane one is the woman you just made the mistake of marrying.

This last idea, exactly. Backing one's spouse's outrageous, irrational behavior is just co-dependence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the disturbing pattern here is that you didn’t stand up for anyone except your daughter—including yourself.

Your wife is 100% wrong.

Your brother is 100% right BUT he did disrespect your wife and family in the way he expressed it bc he knew full well the problems that would create for you and how now you won’t be able to have him over at your house. He doesn’t like your wife, fine: he doesn’t get to say so. And he certainly doesn’t get to insult your step kids. He gets to say no. You chose this woman and these kids and made them your family and yes, your loyalty should be to them not your brother. That’s not to say She isn’t wrong. She is. But he can say no without degrading your family. OTOH you wife is absolutely trying to sabotage this relationship and your daughter’s relationship with her uncle, and you need to defend that to the teeth.

So:
1) you didn’t defend your wife against your brother
2) you didn’t defend your daughter against your wife
3) you didn’t defend yourself against your wife and have been sleeping on the sofa.

Your wife is the common denominator and source of these problems. However, she’s your wife now, and you need to defend your own family and yourself.

BIL did not insult the wife or stepchildren. He said he did not like them when she asked why he would not agree to pay for them.

She didn’t ask him to pay for them. Where are you getting that?

Interesting that you read it that way. In context, since uncle is paying for daughter, and nothing was said of wife offering to pay for stepdaughters, where do you see that she did offer to pay?

But have it your way. Why should brother and his wife agree to chaperone three additional people that he does not like? Did the mom offer to compensate them for agreeing to take that on?

If their mom can pay for it she can go with her own daughters, can't she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like the step-daughters are vying to spend time with the OP's daughter or brother in general...but they want in on a trip?

Yes. These are girls who think it’s perfectly normal for people not to like them or to treat them like sh!t. Did you not read how their stepfather thinks of them?

Maybe thats because its perfectly normal for them to act like annoying entitled little shits just like MOM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the disturbing pattern here is that you didn’t stand up for anyone except your daughter—including yourself.

Your wife is 100% wrong.

Your brother is 100% right BUT he did disrespect your wife and family in the way he expressed it bc he knew full well the problems that would create for you and how now you won’t be able to have him over at your house. He doesn’t like your wife, fine: he doesn’t get to say so. And he certainly doesn’t get to insult your step kids. He gets to say no. You chose this woman and these kids and made them your family and yes, your loyalty should be to them not your brother. That’s not to say She isn’t wrong. She is. But he can say no without degrading your family. OTOH you wife is absolutely trying to sabotage this relationship and your daughter’s relationship with her uncle, and you need to defend that to the teeth.

So:
1) you didn’t defend your wife against your brother
2) you didn’t defend your daughter against your wife
3) you didn’t defend yourself against your wife and have been sleeping on the sofa.

Your wife is the common denominator and source of these problems. However, she’s your wife now, and you need to defend your own family and yourself.

BIL did not insult the wife or stepchildren. He said he did not like them when she asked why he would not agree to pay for them.

She didn’t ask him to pay for them. Where are you getting that?

She asked him to take them but did not offer to pay for it. Put 2+2 together.

[Anonymous]

Here’s how this works:

You got married. You owe every duty and loyalty to your wife. Right or wrong you’re obliged to protect and defend her. If your brother can’t get along with her, he needs to live his own life without you in the picture. That’s it. No other option if you want the marriage to work.

[Anonymous]

Do you kind of not like her? Just being real here. Sounds like she's a nightmare and well you are on here asking... It's okay to think she acted like a jerk.