SAHMs that never return to workforce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it bother working moms so much that other moms choose to stay home? You are not supporting us financially or in any other way so what difference does it make to you?

I’m a SAHM and I don’t think it really bothers many of them. Maybe a few are jealous and some see that it can have a teeny negative impact on how people perceive women overall (and I can see that too), but the vast majority of people are live-and-let-live types. I know a ton of women who are big law attorneys or something equally demanding/prestigious and almost all of them are either enthusiastic about my choice or think it’s about as important as what I like on my pizza. The one exception is an older women who was a judge and had to push back against the idea that women should stay home to advance in her career, so I get why she’d be frustrated with my choice.

They are in their 40s and looking at working for the next 40 years straight without a break. No husband or spouse to take some of the load off, no back up if they lose their job. If married, they set up their marriage as 50/50 on expenses, so it's basically the same as being a single entity in a partnership. If they lose their job -- which will happen at some point in their early 50s -- their spouse will say, "don't be lazy, go get another job" when a new job might take a year (or more) to find at 50. Why are you not bringing in the same income, we are 50/50, right? No? Goodbye. So they are seeing where they cannot slow down, even though their bodies are beginning to slow down as menopause nears. They look at a SAHM who didn't set up their marriage in the same way and that woman is an easy place to vent their personal vitriol.

You sound normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why humans have this need to seek validity for their choices? Why can’t your choice can be right for you and next person’s choice be right for him? Why we all have to sing one tune?

Because it is falsely presented as a choice. For most people, it isn't.

What you are missing here is that for some, and I’m going to bet for many, the false choice isn’t what you think it is. My bet is that a lot of women cannot choose to work because daycare and aftercare are so expensive. I know that was the situation for us. It made no sense for me to keep working. AND, I wanted to be home.

[Anonymous]

why not>? you should go back to work it will help everyone out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why not>? you should go back to work it will help everyone out

Who is this mysterious “everyone?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why humans have this need to seek validity for their choices? Why can’t your choice can be right for you and next person’s choice be right for him? Why we all have to sing one tune?

Because it is falsely presented as a choice. For most people, it isn't.

Slow clap to this. I think what makes me crazy are the SAHMs who demand society give them respect and value when it's really that they just don't want to work and have the means to not work.

I work because I have to. If I had the means, would I stop working? Hell.yeah. And it's not because I want to "raise my children" - I'm raising them now - it's because working when you have to sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why humans have this need to seek validity for their choices? Why can’t your choice can be right for you and next person’s choice be right for him? Why we all have to sing one tune?

Because it is falsely presented as a choice. For most people, it isn't.

Slow clap to this. I think what makes me crazy are the SAHMs who demand society give them respect and value when it's really that they just don't want to work and have the means to not work.

I work because I have to. If I had the means, would I stop working? Hell.yeah. And it's not because I want to "raise my children" - I'm raising them now - it's because working when you have to sucks.

So, you are changing diapers and wiping butts while on conference calls? Nannies and daycare workers aren’t actually working? You are doing the EXACT same physical work as a SAHM? Way to demean a whole group of women doing paid and unpaid work. I feel sorry for the caregivers in your children’s lives who apparently do nothing.

Also, the fact that you want to stay home to be lazy says a whole lot more about your work ethic and ambitions than it does about anyone else. You sound like a winner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing wrong with being a SAHM.

I wish we as a society were as open-minded about men staying home as we are about women. Imagine how many of them also struggle with learning disabilities but have no excuse to stay home take care of the kids.

about 1/5 of the stay-at-home parents I know are dads. They don't complain about people not being open-minded towards them. The one thing I notice is that their female spouse is much better about sharing child-related responsibilities (like organizing their social activities or getting them to sports events) than my DH or other male spouses of SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why humans have this need to seek validity for their choices? Why can’t your choice can be right for you and next person’s choice be right for him? Why we all have to sing one tune?

Because it is falsely presented as a choice. For most people, it isn't.

Slow clap to this. I think what makes me crazy are the SAHMs who demand society give them respect and value when it's really that they just don't want to work and have the means to not work.

I work because I have to. If I had the means, would I stop working? Hell.yeah. And it's not because I want to "raise my children" - I'm raising them now - it's because working when you have to sucks.

So you approve of the SAHMs who don’t want to be respected or valued?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing wrong with being a SAHM.

I wish we as a society were as open-minded about men staying home as we are about women. Imagine how many of them also struggle with learning disabilities but have no excuse to stay home take care of the kids.

about 1/5 of the stay-at-home parents I know are dads. They don't complain about people not being open-minded towards them. The one thing I notice is that their female spouse is much better about sharing child-related responsibilities (like organizing their social activities or getting them to sports events) than my DH or other male spouses of SAHMs.

NP. I am really surprised how many comments I see on here from women who say they wouldn’t even be attracted to a man who would consider being a SAHD. There is some serious internalized misogyny around these parts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My job field sent bye-bye with the great recession and I became a SAHM. That was awhile ago. We're early 50s. My husband makes good money, so there was just no need to return to a 9 to 5 at this point in life. I think he likes it this way, tbh. Our kids are teenagers, one off to college soon. It's great to be here when they get home. They are doing very well in school, and are well adjusted young people. Life is very relaxed, healthy, home cooked meals six nights a week, clean house and big yard I maintain myself (house and yard are big, so there's a lot to keep up on but I love gardening, so). I go for long daily walks, and am in shape. I'm well-rested and happy. I'm writing a few books in my spare time. Life is fantastic. Ignore the haters, OP. Live your life and know how lucky you are.

I love this. I am a SAHM to two small boys 6 and 8 and I love it. Our entire family life is made easier by this choice. Reading your response made me happy for you! Hopefully I can say the same as I believe the boys will need me more when they’re older than now, just in different ways!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Is it common for average heterosexual happily married people with their own biological kids to adopt? Unless they are trying to provide a home for some kid due to unfortunate circumstances, or are celebs collecting kids from poor countries - it is not common.

Actually it is common.

The numbers say it’s not.

+ 1
The only time I have seen a happily married couple to have both an adopted child and a biological child is when they adopted first due to infertility and then also had a biological child after some time. I have seen a lot of adoption in infertile, same sex couples as well as single people. Now, surrogacy is becoming more and more common and it could be that the urge to have your own biological kid is more compelling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why humans have this need to seek validity for their choices? Why can’t your choice can be right for you and next person’s choice be right for him? Why we all have to sing one tune?

Because it is falsely presented as a choice. For most people, it isn't.

Slow clap to this. I think what makes me crazy are the SAHMs who demand society give them respect and value when it's really that they just don't want to work and have the means to not work.

I work because I have to. If I had the means, would I stop working? Hell.yeah. And it's not because I want to "raise my children" - I'm raising them now - it's because working when you have to sucks.

+1 but that's why I say: who cares what anyone else thinks? why do you need to be validated? you're telling us you got rich enough that your labor isn't required to keep a roof over your head. count your blessings and stop looking around to see what anyone else thinks about it.

[Anonymous]

Most of the high earning males do not care if their wives work or not work. The convenience of having a parent home with kids trumps the paycheck they can bring, especially in DMV area. COL is high here. To be a SAHM means that your family has the wherewithal to afford a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why humans have this need to seek validity for their choices? Why can’t your choice can be right for you and next person’s choice be right for him? Why we all have to sing one tune?

Because it is falsely presented as a choice. For most people, it isn't.

Slow clap to this. I think what makes me crazy are the SAHMs who demand society give them respect and value when it's really that they just don't want to work and have the means to not work.

I work because I have to. If I had the means, would I stop working? Hell.yeah. And it's not because I want to "raise my children" - I'm raising them now - it's because working when you have to sucks.

What is your household income? What is your debt?

Several of my friends SAH, and they are by no means wealthy. People often lament a lifestyle that they are perfectly capable of changing. But they won’t make the effort or sacrifices. I happen to parent better when I have a break from home life, so I work. I am sacrificing time with my children because I think overall I can parent them better this way. I used to SAH, but it wasn’t working well for our family. I didn’t complain. I found a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the high earning males do not care if their wives work or not work. The convenience of having a parent home with kids trumps the paycheck they can bring, especially in DMV area. COL is high here. To be a SAHM means that your family has the wherewithal to afford a SAHM.

My husband earns a decent living, but we also live modestly. We are very comfortable, have savings, no debt except a small mortgage and college funds. Its how you spend your money as well as earning it. His attitude is why should both of us be miserable working.