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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, here.  These are some examples:

-Invited her sister to stay in our house while we were out of town without asking me.  Then proceeded to spruce up the place to make it suitable for her sister.  She bought a lamp.  Put up temporary shades.  Previously she would make comments about the lack of window treatments in the guest room/bathroom.  [/quote]

Did your DH tell her that that was fine, and give his aunt a key to your house?  If so, this is 100% a DH problem.  If not, and she has a key, change the locks.  I am 100% serious.  I would never allow someone to have a key to my home if they decided they or someone else could enter it without telling me, much less invite someone else to stay.

The stuff that she "spruced up" I'd simply take down and return to her, saying, "Here are some of your things that you left at my house.  Next time, please ask me before you come to visit."

[quote=Anonymous]Left her unruly un-neutered male dog with us repeatedly to go on vacation.  For weeks at the time without asking me.  He has destroyed two doors in our house.   Ran away.  Tries to attack our friends.  The list goes on.  Most recently she left the dog when I was nine months pregnant.  I only found out about the plan when she mentioned it in a speaker phone call.  [/quote]

Again, I have to assume your DH told her this was okay?  I mean, she didn't just open up the house while you were gone and deposit the dog, did she?  If not, this is 100% a DH problem - he is agreeing to things in your home without your consent.  This is not acceptable.

If she did not obtain permission from your DH before leaving, I would take the dog to a kennel on Day 1, period.  If the dog is unsafe around your friends and is destroying your property, it certainly can't be in the house with a child.  Dog goes straight to kennel if she drops it off without permission.  I wonder, though -- if she announced it on a conference call beforehand, why didn't you simply say, "No, Gladys, that will not work for me.  You will need to look into where you can have him boarded; I will not have the dog in my house again."

[quote=Anonymous]Says things to my husband like "we need to figure out the holidays."  They then proceeded to plan a trip to Colorado for Christmas without asking me, which forced me not to spend any part of the holidays with my family.  I am an only child.  We even flew to Colorado on my grandfather's 80th birthday, so I had to miss his party.  I didn't know about the plan until she dropped the bomb on a speaker phone call.  Then in Colorado, she planned activities that forced me to drag a five-month-old out in single digit/negative degree weather.  Then made comments about my bundling him up.  I had no say in the activities for my baby's first Christmas at all.[/quote]

Look, your MIL is clearly an asshole who wants her son and grandchild to herself and would prefer it if you did not exist.  That you cannot change.  So she will always say things to your husband like, "We need to figure out the holidays."  Always.  You can ignore that completely.  The problem is your husband.  100% your husband.  If my MIL told my DH, "We need to figure out the holidays", he would say, "My wife and I will talk about it and get back to you to let me know what we're planning.  Do you have any thoughts about what you'd like the holidays to look like that we can take into consideration when we talk?"
 
So that part is 100% your husband's fault/issue.  But the rest of this complaint is 100% you, not your MIL.  We've established that she's a pushy, selfish asshole.  But it seems to me that you are not asserting yourself at all.  She cannot bully you into doing the activities you mention.  If she said that she had plans on your grandfather's birthday, you simply say, "That won't work for me.  It's my grandfather's 80th birthday and I will not miss it for this flight.  DH can fly in a day early if he insists, but my child and I are staying here to attend this family function."  Regarding Christmas activities that required you to take your baby out into the frigid weather, the proper response is, "No, Gladys, it is far too cold to take the baby outside.  You go and have a nice time, and if DH wants to go, that's fine.  I will not take my baby out in this weather."

Regarding having no say in your baby's first Christmas, though, this is on you.  You have to tell your husband what you want, not just let his mother plan what you want.  He can't force you to fly to Colorado with your baby.  He simply can't.  And yes, his horrid mother will say terrible things about you.  She always will, no matter what.  You can be the most perfect DIL in the world and she will always find a reason to criticize you.  Give up trying to get her to stop saying horrid things about you -- accept that she will no matter what, and focus on getting what you need for yourself and your child.

[quote=Anonymous]Thanksgiving we spent with both families at a centrally located rental.  The plan (or so I thought) was for MIL, my mother, and me to split up dinner preparations at the house.  Instead, she rolled in with a whole Thanksgiving dinner that she prepared at home in coolers. [/quote]

"Or so I thought" is the key phrase here.  You assume that your MIL is a rational, functional being.  She is competing with you and will never function rationally.  Let that expectation go.  Next time, be clear to her about what you and your mom will be doing.  She will probably bring the whole dinner in a cooler anyway.  If she does, simply proceed as if she hadn't.  "Mom and I will be preparing our turkey in the morning."

[quote=Anonymous]Same Thanksgiving she physically removed the baby from my mother when my mother was putting him down for a nap.  MIL swept him off to her room and rocked him for an hour.   [/quote]

So, she actually physically wrestled the baby out of your mom's hands?  Did you call her on that immediately?  Was your husband in the room?  If any adult physically tried to remove my child from another person, I would kick them out of my house.  Your husband thinks this is ok?

If it wasn't that dramatic, I'm assuming your mom is as passive as you are about this stuff, and just let her take the baby away from her.  If so, she needs to be assertive as a grandmother, too.  "EXCUSE ME, GLADYS.  I am holding the baby.  Take your hands off the baby."

Your MIL will always compete with you and your mom for time with her grandchild.  And, in fairness, I think it's reasonable to allow her a little alone time with her grandchild.  But not snatching the child away.

[quote=Anonymous]Blowups have been first in Colorado when she exposed the baby to lead by putting up Christmas lights that bore a lead warning on the box. When I said something to her, my husband sided with her and the ILs made a big display of leaving.

-I tried to apologize to her for the misunderstanding about the lead.  I flew to see her.  Instead of talking to me rationally, she told me all the things she didn't like about me.  Including that I was rude because I didn't cook for them when they visited (even though I was working 50 hours per week, they would visit at the worst possible times, and give me no notice).   My personal favorite was telling me that I was rude because I didn't participate in previous Christmas Eve dinner because I was pregnant and naseous.  Also, said that she had to do things in our house (see bullet 1) because I "never lift a finger to do anything."  Also said I bought her nice gifts to show off and get attention.  [/quote]

Hm.  I can't imagine what kind of lead on Christmas lights could hurt an infant (lead poisoning is generally from ingestion, no?) but it also seems like a huge overreaction on her part to storm off and on your part to have flown out to apologize to her.

Regarding her rants about your failings, I think you can just be blunt with her.  "Gladys, it is clear that you do not like me and that nothing I do will ever please you.  I have accepted that and I will not be trying to earn your approval any longer.  I am not interested in hearing any criticism from you.  If you would like to be welcome in my home, you will treat me with decency and respect, which I would expect of any guest.  If you cannot be civil or you cannot refrain from negative comments in front of my child, you will not be welcome in my home and we will not be visiting you in yours."
[quote=Anonymous]At Easter, I hosted and cooked and tried to correct for all of her complaints about my domesticity.  Then she claimed to my husband that I was rude and excluding her by not letting her help.  Why would I after what she said about me? [/quote]

You have to just stop trying to please her.  She will ALWAYS complain to your husband about you, always.  It doesn't matter what you do.  If you asked her to help, she'd call you lazy.  If you don't ask her to help, she says you're excluding her.  You will NEVER PLEASE HER.  NEVER.  She wants her son to herself.  So please just let go and try to tune out the noise.  If your husband accuses you of treating her poorly, simply say that you are polite to her and that is all that you will be.   Just let go.  You cannot please her.  Make a nice dinner for you, your child, your husband, and your guest, knowing that your guest will not like it (or will find some fault with it).  That's the best you'll get.  If she makes comments at the table, repeat again, " If you cannot be civil or you cannot refrain from negative comments in front of my child, you will not be welcome in my home and we will not be visiting you in yours.

[quote=Anonymous]Today I saw a text from her telling my husband that all she wanted for Mother's Day was a picture of him and my son.   Clear implication that she didn't want a family picture with me in it.  No pictures of me on her Facebook either.  I was livid, so I called her up and let her have it.   [/quote]

See, this is the thing, OP.  Your MIL is a jerk and she doesn't like you.  Consider it a compliment.  There is nothing to be livid about here.  It is totally understandable that she doesn't want a picture of you.  She loves her son.  She loves her grandchild.  She doesn't like you.  And it's actually kind of a reasonable thing for her to want, a picture of her son and grandchild without anyone else in it.  This kind of stuff you just have to let go.  No good will come of mentioning it.

She's not going to put up FB photos of you because she wants to pretend you don't exist.  Seriously, do yourself the great favor of defriending her on Facebook...or, if that would be too confrontational, hide her posts from your feed.  She's a jerk.  Why remind yourself of her rejection of you?  Just ignore her as much as you can.

I'm not sure if you can ever save your marriage to DH - he sounds weak.  Really weak.  But you can save yourself from your MIL.  Draw boundaries.[/quote]

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