Special Needs Child Bully on Soccer Team

[Anonymous]

Dear Mother of Special Needs Child (sorry, don't know abbreviations yet),

Please share your "constructive thoughts." There is a special needs boy on my 7 year old son's soccer team who, for no reason at all, will push or hit my son. He's done it to other kids too. He's a lot bigger, looks more like an average 10 year old. The first time this happened, I told the mom and she handled it as best as she could by apologizing and introducing our boys, an attempt for them to become friends, I guess. It happened again and again and I'm now handling it by telling my son to defend himself, that just because this other child has an issue, doesnt mean he needs to be his punching bag. It seems that both parents are aware and loving parents and want their son to be integrated with everyday normal stuff. The boy doesn't really play soccer, he mostly stands around, talks or when his impulse strikes, he hits someone. Its a tough situation. What would you do if the situation was reversed?

[Anonymous]

Talk to the coach. Never a good idea to tell your kid to push, hit or otherwise be physical. Even if it is in retaliation, your son will likely be disciplined as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you a troll? It's not clear if you're actually looking for advice or simply looking to stir up reactions.

If not, how do you know the child has SN - did the parent explain his condition at all to you?

Either way, any sane responsible parent would simply talk to the coach before advising their child to strike another child.

[Anonymous]

No, not a troll.

[Anonymous]

+1 on 930. This seems like the OP doesn really want to do something about it, just wants to passively-aggressively air some gripes she has with special needs kids If she really wanted to do something about and was concerned about her child, she would talk to the coach.

[Anonymous]

I am a new poster. Over the past 12 years as a parent, I have had the same exact question as the OP.

why would you think we are "trolls" -- I'll use the definition of "internet poster who is completely making up something for the sole purpose of stirring the pot and has no legitimate question or comment."

I think this is a VERY legitimate question. If you have enough of your own neurotypical kids in enough school and enough extra-curricular activities, this situation WILL arise, I guarantee it.

Once in the past, I went straight to the art teacher when a child with confirmed ADHD would absolutely not stop slightly hurting my child every. single. day. (think, hitting him in the face with a sucker punch when least expected).

This child's mom became pissed off at me subsequently, and told me as much. (She was the one who told me herself prior that Bobby was indeed being treated for ADHD diagnosis).

So evidently going straight to the teacher and asking him to, at a minimum, move my kid away was "the wrong move."

Long-winded story short .... I'd bet there are a lot of us who'd like to know what "the right move" is here, or if there's even a general consensus.

[Anonymous]

Well, general consensus seems to be talk to the coach. Mystery solved. Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

10:11 -- so what do you think the solution is? It seems like you are saying between the lines -- these kids cant be controlled, and shouldnt be around our NT kids. Thats fine if thats how you feel, but you shld say it.

I cant speak for the upset mother of the ADHD kid punching your child, but i can say these delimmas are really, really hard. Nobody knows the answer. As a parent of a SN child and a NT, i dont allow my SN child to behave in these ways, but also feel bad for him bc i know how difficult it is to control himself.

[Anonymous]

No need for abbreviations OP. Have you heard of "person first" language? If you want to be sensitive and respectful, try saying, "a child with special needs" instead of objectifying and essentializing this child as having no value, identity, or purpose than to embody needs. Sounds like this is a child with a heart and a mind who may be overwhelmed or unable to play at the same level and is either frustrated or lacking skills in joining appropriately. I agree you should speak with them.

[Anonymous]

Agree to first talk with the coach. Then, if the SN child shoves him again, I'd tear him a new one by yelling at the top of your lungs. Beat up on my child, someone's going to pay.

[Anonymous]

OP I am 10:18 and the mother of a child with special needs. I do appreciate your perspective and have had similar experiences myself when children with special needs OR NOT have been harmful to my child in some ways, and it's not always clear what to do. I always appeal to the teacher/coach first.

Do understand that it is very difficult to find activities, sports, leisure, and social activities for some of us parents with children with social challenges. These can be challenges in social skills, problem solving, impulse control, attention, anxiety, sensory issues, motor coordination, and/or other areas.

And yet there are few activities for kids with these types of needs, and in many cases our kids can participate meaningfully in regular activities such as the one your child in in now. (And please also know that many of our kids have special gifts and a lot to offer as far as sensitivity, knowledge, humor, persistence, and courage.) Our kids need some understanding on the part of the other kids in the activity and the parents. We are all part of society and neurodiversity is part of being in society. It was smart of you to introduce your child to the boy in question but it may take more than an introduction to bring this child into the fold.

I wonder if it would help this child to have a coach or parent or another child in the activity partner with him and show him the ropes. Hopefully the coach can figure out how best to support this child's success.

[Anonymous]

10:11 -- so what do you think the solution is? It seems like you are saying between the lines -- these kids cant be controlled, and shouldnt be around our NT kids. Thats fine if thats how you feel, but you shld say it.

No! I am absolutely not saying that. When pushed, I'd say on balance that it's all for the better when children with all kinds of minds (and possibly, abilities) mingle together on the soccer team and in the classroom. (at some point, I do support academic tracking, but not until higher grades).

My bottom line as my minor child's advocate is that I do not want him hit in the face -- by a neurotypical kid, by a kid with autism, by a kid who speaks Swedish, by a kid with ADHD or by a kid who is rich and whose parent is on the Board at their private school. That also includes being shoved, pinched, hair pulled, bitten, hit with a chair, pushed off a chair, and so on.

It's a variation on the famous Oliver Wendell Holmes quote: Your right to swing your fist (as a child with special needs who quite likely cannot "help it" sometimes) ends where my nose begins. I do have compassion a child with challenges, and I am most certainly my minor child's protector. The two are not mutually exclusive, please don't make a false dichotomy!

I am open to hearing recommended best practices from the parent of the physically aggressive child. Really.

[Anonymous]

Did anybody confirm this is a SN child? Was OP told the child has SN, if so what is the SN?

[Anonymous]

Yes, talk to the coach. But please realize that the coaches are generally parents and not professionals. The coach may take it up the ladder in the organization for guidance (e.g., ask MSI) but also may not want to deal with it. You may need to approach MSI yourself if the coach won't/can't do anything.

[Anonymous]

In my view best practices would be for the child to have a shadow playing right along side him the whole game, as I suggested above, and fading out over time when appropriate skills are learned. And use a positive reinforcement system to encourage positive behaviors and skill development.

I used to go to my son's activities and sit on the sidelines and fill out a point chart, explained to him in advance, that had goals like paying attention, listening to the coach when she talked, watching the ball, not making negative comments, being friendly. I would also gesture and smile and gives thumbs up and all that from the sidelines. This helped him stay on track and improved his focus. If he fulfilled x number of points, he would get a reward and a lot of verbal praise. I believe this comes close to best practices. To be honest, throwing a child into a sport and not giving support is not so great for the child with special needs either.