Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have issues. And you have a painful road ahead as you get older.

Well I never expected life to be painless. We're all human after all, full of weaknesses, and constantly confronting difficult issues in our lives. And by being honest about this shit that does go on in my head and in my life, I'm doing my best to deal with and work through those issues.

Whatever i think you are normal and probably more sexual than most.

I'm sure many women posting on this site have abandoned their sexuality. I went to back to school night and you should have seen these women there.A vast majority of them were obese and just looked like they hardly cared about themselves. A sexually aware sexual woman must scare the shit out of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have issues. And you have a painful road ahead as you get older.

Well I never expected life to be painless. We're all human after all, full of weaknesses, and constantly confronting difficult issues in our lives. And by being honest about this shit that does go on in my head and in my life, I'm doing my best to deal with and work through those issues.

Whatever i think you are normal and probably more sexual than most.

I'm sure many women posting on this site have abandoned their sexuality. I went to back to school night and you should have seen these women there.A vast majority of them were obese and just looked like they hardly cared about themselves. A sexually aware sexual woman must scare the shit out of them.

Her sexuality doesn't scare me, her cluelessness does. She actually thought the dude was "falling for her." Yes, I'm sure it was true love! Hearts!!!! That's not claiming your sexuality, that is avoiding dealing with daddy issues or whatever else got her to this point in life.

I don't judge people who have affairs. What I find sad is when people start mistaking them for a selfless act. She was acting as if the man was into her, not into what he was getting, which was validation. And it's fine to get validation, just don't think it is real or hearts or flower or true love. This man went back to his wife. Most of 'em do in the end. It's an escape, and had nothing to do with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. That woman didn't make vows to you.

+1

ITA! Why wouldn't you confront your dh? She isn't married, its your problem not hers...

I did confront my dh. He insists they are "just friends" but they've crossed a line in talking about sex with each other. He says he has shown integrity - I figure this means bc they haven't had sex (yet).

I texted my husband's co worker whom he was texting regularly sometimes with sexual content.I was civil enough to ask her what was going on between them.I used my husband's phone so she would answer.She denies everything.My husband was furious and said to fix myself first before fixing his texts.After that he changed his tone and said his co worker isjust aggressive or just want to kid with each other.and they are professional,with college degrees.He said this because I told him she is a slut because she knows he is married but still does this.He was defending her.Afetr a few weeks I saw texts between them 3 days in a row .she jokingly invited him for coffee and then said "your wife might get mad".im so hurt with all of this.i told him that he seems to be having fun with the texts,but have been distant to me,and this makes me insecure.he locked his phone from then on.i told him this is an emotional affair. He said that some people clicks better than others.he told me i cannot blame anybody but me because I gained weight and not taking care of myself.Every minute for me is a struggle.I feel so hurt.At times I push this out of my mind but it is hard.It is an emotional roller coaster.I'm afraid I will get sick from high blood pressure from all of these.He dismisses having couples therapy.Its hard to leave because we have small kids.Thanks to the administrators and to all people in this forum for helping me vent my feelings and for guidance.

I'm the OP. The bolded text above is very similar to the stuff my DH also said. The only thing he didn't say was that I'd gained weight. He says he's attracted to my body. Anyway, I called the OW a cunt, a word I use very sparingly.

It has also been a roller coaster for me. I read the 180link below and it gave some prudent advice, just so that I don't get so obsessed about it until I can get my head and emotions straight.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/rebuilding-marriage-after-infidelity/discussions/messages/12496184

[Anonymous]

I dare the wife to call me and actually stay on the phone long enough to talk. She hung up when I answered the one and only time she called. I would love to tell her what her husband is saying to women about her.

Part of me thinks she should know. Part of me thinks she knows already and just doesn't want the confirmation. Part of me thinks, what the hell do I care. I am so yesterday's news and he has already moved on to someone else. She just doesn't know yet.

[Anonymous]

I don't judge people who have affairs. What I find sad is when people start mistaking them for a selfless act. She was acting as if the man was into her, not into what he was getting, which was validation. And it's fine to get validation, just don't think it is real or hearts or flower or true love. This man went back to his wife. Most of 'em do in the end. It's an escape, and had nothing to do with her.


It's very sad indeed. I was one of these, though I suppose I deserve to know I wasn't truly an affection for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have issues. And you have a painful road ahead as you get older.

Well I never expected life to be painless. We're all human after all, full of weaknesses, and constantly confronting difficult issues in our lives. And by being honest about this shit that does go on in my head and in my life, I'm doing my best to deal with and work through those issues.

Whatever i think you are normal and probably more sexual than most.

I'm sure many women posting on this site have abandoned their sexuality. I went to back to school night and you should have seen these women there.A vast majority of them were obese and just looked like they hardly cared about themselves. A sexually aware sexual woman must scare the shit out of them.

Her sexuality doesn't scare me, her cluelessness does. She actually thought the dude was "falling for her." Yes, I'm sure it was true love! Hearts!!!! That's not claiming your sexuality, that is avoiding dealing with daddy issues or whatever else got her to this point in life.

I don't judge people who have affairs. What I find sad is when people start mistaking them for a selfless act. She was acting as if the man was into her, not into what he was getting, which was validation. And it's fine to get validation, just don't think it is real or hearts or flower or true love. This man went back to his wife. Most of 'em do in the end. It's an escape, and had nothing to do with her.

Why do you assume this guy is married? He's a hot-as-hell single guy, 6 years younger than me, with lots of women chasing after him and gets plenty of action. He liked me because he was able to be himself with me in a way I think he finds difficult with most women. We just got along really well and developed an instant friendship that happened to be laced with mutual physical attraction. Why does that translate into me having daddy issues for god's sake??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dare the wife to call me and actually stay on the phone long enough to talk. She hung up when I answered the one and only time she called. I would love to tell her what her husband is saying to women about her.

Part of me thinks she should know. Part of me thinks she knows already and just doesn't want the confirmation. Part of me thinks, what the hell do I care. I am so yesterday's news and he has already moved on to someone else. She just doesn't know yet.

What does he say about his wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dare the wife to call me and actually stay on the phone long enough to talk. She hung up when I answered the one and only time she called. I would love to tell her what her husband is saying to women about her.

Part of me thinks she should know. Part of me thinks she knows already and just doesn't want the confirmation. Part of me thinks, what the hell do I care. I am so yesterday's news and he has already moved on to someone else. She just doesn't know yet.

What does he say about his wife?

He's a complete troll. Very manipulative and a very skilled liar. God, I was so stupid to fall for his f-ing mind games. Never, ever, ever again. I'm positive now his wife is probably none of these things and that he is a sociopath or maybe they both have their crazy issues.

He initially used his kids as bait. Said she was a bad mother and he was basically filling all the parenting roles. Example: She did not get home from work till 8pm. She did not spend time with kids after she got home from work. He dropped off and picked up the kids from daycare, fed them, bathed them, got up with them during the night, took them to the doctor's, etc. Sounded a lot like my women friends who complain that their DH's don't help enough at home so I talked to him and gave him advice initially like he was a woman friend.

It moved on to he did most of the housework because "she was dirty". Left food on the dishes when she washed them. Had his mom come time to time to help out and even she would comment what a bad wife his wife was because she did not take care of the house.

From there it moved on to they would have huge arguments. Mostly verbal but sometimes they would throw things. Said she was a drama queen and thrived on contention. Gave me an impression was that it was a horrendous environment for the kids to be in.

Next he began saying he was looking into separating and eventually divorcing his wife (yeah I know, the biggest lie in the book). He did not love her and had never wanted to get married. He was only in the marriage because of the kids. He asked me on advice about the divorce process.

You may ask why would I fall for some crazy guy who complains about his wife? Conversations were stretched out over a lengthy period of time with other topics thrown it. Once he set himself up in a place I genuinely felt sorry for him, he began asking if most marriages were like his. I first gave him some details about my friends then he wanted particulars about how I managed the household. He complemented me on how great a mother I was and how I did a great job taking care of my family. He then moved onto other complements about my physical appearance and that I was great listener. I began to like the attention he gave me and it was very addictive.

Blinders eventually came off and I saw he truly enjoyed messing with people and creating drama himself. He was only in to me for the thrill of the chase. Probably was also using me as a way to torture his wife because he was surprisingly indiscreet almost to the point he wanted her to know. She somehow quickly had my number. Hung up though when I answered the phone.

[Anonymous]

Never thought I would be the type of woman recovering from an emotional affair. I love my family but somehow got in way over my head. Now that the fog has lifted, I truly feel sorry for his wife.

He is angry at me for ending our "friendship". His anger has turned toxic and much like he would defame his wife behind her back, he is now defaming me. Gave me a good taste of what she has put up with for 14 years. I think in a way he wanted me to lash out and create a scene. He must have known I could hear what he was saying to a co-worker about me and I would put two and two together when his wife called and hung up. He was an abused child so something deep inside tells me he craves the drama and needs the ego boost because he is hurting inside. I however, went away quietly.

If it helps him to recover or helps his wife through the fall out, let people think what they want about me. I think his wife would be more hurt by the truth. Hearing him lash out against me did do me a favor though. It gave me complete closure because all the fantasy was washed away and I could see him for the child that he really is.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's been over a month since you started this thread. Did you ever contact the OW? If you haven't, but are still thinking about it, I would advise you not to. She probably won't care and it won't give you the closure you seek.

[Anonymous]

PP brings up the issue of closure and this is what I have learned thus far in life. No one can "give" you closure. Closure can only come from within. It comes from changing what you can change, accepting what you cannot, and forgiving those who hurt you. Takes a while to get there especially when the hurt cuts to your core.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never thought I would be the type of woman recovering from an emotional affair. I love my family but somehow got in way over my head. Now that the fog has lifted, I truly feel sorry for his wife.

He is angry at me for ending our "friendship". His anger has turned toxic and much like he would defame his wife behind her back, he is now defaming me. Gave me a good taste of what she has put up with for 14 years. I think in a way he wanted me to lash out and create a scene. He must have known I could hear what he was saying to a co-worker about me and I would put two and two together when his wife called and hung up. He was an abused child so something deep inside tells me he craves the drama and needs the ego boost because he is hurting inside. I however, went away quietly.

If it helps him to recover or helps his wife through the fall out, let people think what they want about me. I think his wife would be more hurt by the truth. Hearing him lash out against me did do me a favor though. It gave me complete closure because all the fantasy was washed away and I could see him for the child that he really is.

Are you married too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never thought I would be the type of woman recovering from an emotional affair. I love my family but somehow got in way over my head. Now that the fog has lifted, I truly feel sorry for his wife.

He is angry at me for ending our "friendship". His anger has turned toxic and much like he would defame his wife behind her back, he is now defaming me. Gave me a good taste of what she has put up with for 14 years. I think in a way he wanted me to lash out and create a scene. He must have known I could hear what he was saying to a co-worker about me and I would put two and two together when his wife called and hung up. He was an abused child so something deep inside tells me he craves the drama and needs the ego boost because he is hurting inside. I however, went away quietly.

If it helps him to recover or helps his wife through the fall out, let people think what they want about me. I think his wife would be more hurt by the truth. Hearing him lash out against me did do me a favor though. It gave me complete closure because all the fantasy was washed away and I could see him for the child that he really is.

Are you married too?

Yes, I am married.

I ended all contact with the other man when he began to make physical advances. It made me realize what the hell was I doing. I then began pouring the emotional energy I was feeding to the affair back into my marriage. My husband is a good man, a good father, and a good husband. I am working on me so I can be the wife he deserves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never thought I would be the type of woman recovering from an emotional affair. I love my family but somehow got in way over my head. Now that the fog has lifted, I truly feel sorry for his wife.

He is angry at me for ending our "friendship". His anger has turned toxic and much like he would defame his wife behind her back, he is now defaming me. Gave me a good taste of what she has put up with for 14 years. I think in a way he wanted me to lash out and create a scene. He must have known I could hear what he was saying to a co-worker about me and I would put two and two together when his wife called and hung up. He was an abused child so something deep inside tells me he craves the drama and needs the ego boost because he is hurting inside. I however, went away quietly.

If it helps him to recover or helps his wife through the fall out, let people think what they want about me. I think his wife would be more hurt by the truth. Hearing him lash out against me did do me a favor though. It gave me complete closure because all the fantasy was washed away and I could see him for the child that he really is.

Are you married too?

Yes, I am married.

I ended all contact with the other man when he began to make physical advances. It made me realize what the hell was I doing. I then began pouring the emotional energy I was feeding to the affair back into my marriage. My husband is a good man, a good father, and a good husband. I am working on me so I can be the wife he deserves.

Curious as to how long the emotional affair lasted before he began to make advances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never thought I would be the type of woman recovering from an emotional affair. I love my family but somehow got in way over my head. Now that the fog has lifted, I truly feel sorry for his wife.

He is angry at me for ending our "friendship". His anger has turned toxic and much like he would defame his wife behind her back, he is now defaming me. Gave me a good taste of what she has put up with for 14 years. I think in a way he wanted me to lash out and create a scene. He must have known I could hear what he was saying to a co-worker about me and I would put two and two together when his wife called and hung up. He was an abused child so something deep inside tells me he craves the drama and needs the ego boost because he is hurting inside. I however, went away quietly.

If it helps him to recover or helps his wife through the fall out, let people think what they want about me. I think his wife would be more hurt by the truth. Hearing him lash out against me did do me a favor though. It gave me complete closure because all the fantasy was washed away and I could see him for the child that he really is.

Are you married too?

Yes, I am married.

I ended all contact with the other man when he began to make physical advances. It made me realize what the hell was I doing. I then began pouring the emotional energy I was feeding to the affair back into my marriage. My husband is a good man, a good father, and a good husband. I am working on me so I can be the wife he deserves.

Curious as to how long the emotional affair lasted before he began to make advances?

The whole thing from beginning to end was about 6 months. Hard to say exactly when a magic line was crossed. Friendship became flirtatious over time. First were subtle remarks that I dismissed so he would back off and change the subject. After a while though, I flirted back and justified everything was ok because we were just talking. My conscience began to bother me though and I was looking forward way too much to our time together. I ended it when he moved to trying something physical so that was at the 6 month mark.