Do you secretly resent DH for not making enough money for you to be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

No, not at all. Although I guess I do have the option of being a SAHM- DH makes *enough*, but we would have to change our lifestyle (less eating out, vacations would only be in driving distance, etc). It would feel financially irresponsible to give up my salary. Not to mention 4 weeks of paid vacation and a great 401K matching plan.

[Anonymous]

No, its not, because its a cost benefit analysis. The cost to any given family, and more significantly, to the parent who stays at home are HUGE. Loss of financial freedom, loss of job opportunities, risk of being unable to reenter the workforce, loss of identity, often loss of place in society. The costs of BFing are minimal and short lived. The costs of having two parents, well sometimes, there is no other possibility, others remaining in a truly terrible marriage presents its own set of issues for children.

But, bottom line, the costs of SAHM are enormous, unless the person that chooses to do so had no career to speak of in the beginning, few career aspirations for later, and the family can well afford it. Even then, there is no way to know that the benefits of it outweigh the cost -- because there are simply no proven benefits. Unlike BFing and single parenting, there are no studies -- none -- showing that kids with SAHP fare better lonh term. Interesting, huh?

It is interesting, though I don't know if I agree. My mom went back to work when I was 6 - I remember definitely preferring when she was at home and feeling somewhat insecure and gettting into more trouble in the aftercare at my school, so I sometimes wonder what type of intangible benefits there are to having a SAH parent. I mean I ended up doing fine in aftercare and who knows, perhaps the slight insecurity was balanced by my new-found resilience and independence. And incidentally, I WOH and don't plan on changing this.

[Anonymous]

Ladies! Do not resent your dh! Resent our family-hostile government that does not give civilized maternity leave and childcare benefits. Not all women want to give up their careers entirely, but I bet that most of us would gladly take a year off with our babies. And if we had affordable childcare, we wouldn't have to stress as much when we returned to work.

For a country so obsessed with fetuses we are sure hostile to actually babies and moms ...

[Anonymous]

My husband recently started making enough money that we could comfortably afford it (two big career jumps in the last few years with significant raises). But, I like my job, would fear not getting back in the workforce, and my salary while not as big as my husband's definitely contributes to our family. Plus he could get laid off, there is always that possiblity, and it's nice to have back up benefits and salary.

I think I would only resent him if he didn't step up to be a partner in parenting and house management. I do a lot of the day to day but he handles a lot too. I do most of the cooking, packing lunches, laundry, making appointments, logistics, etc., but he does most of the last minute sick days, takes them to a lot of dentist/dr. appointments etc., runs errands, handles maintaining the car, yard, house repair, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was on her death bed a few years ago, she told me that the happiest time of her life was when she was a stay-at-home mom and my brother and I were young. She didn't have a lot of money, clipped coupons, and hunted for bargains, but was fulfilled.

She went back to work when my brother and I were in middle school, but never returned to the professional level that she was before staying home. Still, she said she never regretted her decision to stay home and would not have done it differently.

Kids are only young once and you only get one life to live.
Money, stuff, and prestige are not the only rewards in life. Having a happy home life is priceless.

Whether your home life is happy or not has nothing to do with whether your mom works or not. If your dad walked out on your mom during her stay-at-home years, your home life would have been anything but happy.

[Anonymous]

Hell YES, I do resent it. And so do most of my friends who work.

[Anonymous]

10:43 - not if she had a good lawyer. I hear there might be one or two lawyers ion the D.C. area.....

[Anonymous]

No because I've been an admin assistant to guys who make that kind of money. It's really sad to see their calendars filled with travel week after week. Then the wife (who has calendar access) squeezes in bookings for dad to see his kid's music recital b/c if she doesn't I'm going to book it for travel. My husband doesn't have a blackberry, never checks his work email when not at work, is home by 6 everyday and never works a weekend. I love that!

[Anonymous]

Its not about being a 1950's stay at home wife and the man not letting us cook, clean and look after kids. I make the same as my husband plus cook and clean. Yes i do resent him because as soon as he gets home he clocks off and gets to do whatever he wants. For me, i finish work and get home to housework and cooking dinner. I envy stay at home moms because i would love to have more free time and less stress. I stress about getting pregnant and having children because noway could he support us with his income alone so it would then became me working fulltime + cooking + cleaning + looking after kids.

[Anonymous]

I enjoy working. I'm a mom and I love being mom. But I'm also a person with a career and an intellectual life related to my career that I really enjoy. My DH makes enough money to support our family, but my income is an extra $150K plus spectacular benefits that we add to the pot. It also provides me with a lot of satisfaction.

I'm not sure why it's assumed that all women want to grow up to be SAHMs (we don't assume all men want to be SAHDs). It's awesome if that's what you want, but many women enjoy working in a professional field - just like many of their husbands.

[Anonymous]

I SAHM b/c every childcare center I toured was substandard, chaotic & extremely expensive. Every nanny I interviewed was either ill-equipped to communicate in English or a twentysomething who couldn't get a "real" career footing. These were not individuals I would be comfortable leaving my children with. I had already had one friend with a nightmare au pair experience so I wouldn't even look into that. It all came down to looking at cost: financial, emotional & intellectualy. For MY family SAHM is best. Everyone is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not about being a 1950's stay at home wife and the man not letting us cook, clean and look after kids. I make the same as my husband plus cook and clean. Yes i do resent him because as soon as he gets home he clocks off and gets to do whatever he wants. For me, i finish work and get home to housework and cooking dinner. I envy stay at home moms because i would love to have more free time and less stress. I stress about getting pregnant and having children because noway could he support us with his income alone so it would then became me working fulltime + cooking + cleaning + looking after kids.

yes, this is me and this happens to a lot of women...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not about being a 1950's stay at home wife and the man not letting us cook, clean and look after kids. I make the same as my husband plus cook and clean. Yes i do resent him because as soon as he gets home he clocks off and gets to do whatever he wants. For me, i finish work and get home to housework and cooking dinner. I envy stay at home moms because i would love to have more free time and less stress. I stress about getting pregnant and having children because noway could he support us with his income alone so it would then became me working fulltime + cooking + cleaning + looking after kids.

This is my life. I stayed home for two years and DH became very accustomed to doing virtually nothing around the house. Now I''m back at work full time and not only do I do 75% of childcare, I also do most of the housework. My husband will help but only when prompted. It's annoying as hell.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how this works. I don't resent my husband but would for not pulling his weight in some capacity. It seems like for each us, men and women, the choices are
breadwinner, child care, house maintenance. We each need to pitch in evenly to ensure all three are taken care of.

So if both parents work, both parents evenly split the other two. If one parent works, then the balance of the other two needs to be shifted accordingly.

If you wanted to be a SAHM (I never did and to the person who couldn't find childcare, I have an amazing nanny who fits none of your categories, you need to look for a while) you needed to make that agreement before choosing your partner. If you want to work and have kids, your partner needs to be clear on this choice too and be ready to make a contribution.

So if you are resentful that you can't SAH, I can understand if it's because of an unexpected setback, but if not, you probably should have picked an appropriate partner.