Two spouses: a play
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Anonymous
I'm a woman with a husband who is not like this. I would say that I feel sympathy for people who are married to people (I could say men since it's mostly men but sometimes it's women) like this BUT I also can't stand the posts where people say that ALL men are useless. They're not. I know a ton of great ones. So I have no problem with YOU saying your husband sucks, and I'm sorry for you. But the people who insist it's all men are annoying. I know ONE guy like that, and another that I think is kind of a loser but does a lot more than OP's husband. I know dozens who aren't like that. So it bothers me when people say oh all men suck, welcome to being a woman. If I thought that were true I would tell my daughters to never get married (I hope that's what anyone who says all men are awful is doing, otherwise you're a hypocrite), but instead I tell them to find someone like their grandpa and dad. |
Anonymous
What if your kid tells you it matters? FWIW, I'm a woman who works full-time and I do find certain things to be stupid wastes of time and therefore just don't do them. However, if my child cared about something, I would ignore the fact that I think it's dumb and would probably do it for them. Because that's part of being a parent. So I'm a little surprised that you think YOUR opinion is the only one that matters. You must not work either, because every job I've ever had has some parts that I don't think need to be done but do them nonetheless. It's called life. |
Anonymous
How do you make it through the day? I'll tell you how it works - the school sends an email saying the kid needs a green sweater for Thursday. Both parents read their emails at normal intervals. Whoever reads it first/has time to do it tells the other person "hey, I ordered the green sweater." Before school started the school sent us an email saying these are the items your kid needs for day one. My husband read the email and texted me to say "I ordered the school supplies." I hadn't read the email yet but when I checked my email I just deleted it. See how that works? Do you have any other questions? |
Anonymous
No it's actually a valid follow-up question to your response: "The point is that not everyone already has a green shirt or a red dress. " Why is a red dress required for old people home caroling? If procuring red dresses is a burden, why is the caroling venue that requires dress procurement an oblation? I've does caroling without specific outfit and cookie requirements. The children were not deprived of medical care, as a previous poster insinuated. |
Anonymous
| Is it also a further mental load to keep track of all the things to be resentful about? If it’s such a shorter list why not keep track of the things you like about your DH? It would certainly ease your mental burden. |
Anonymous
Not really. Maybe in a lot of circles around here, with parents who work a lot and tend to make up for it by being overly indulgent, but you tell your kid that the skirt she already has will have to work. End of story. Your kid will grow up fine, and probably even better because she won't think the world revolves around her, or that she doesn't have to do things just because others are doing it. I really hate when schools do crap like this. It stresses out parents, even more so if they don't have a lot of disposable income. |
Anonymous
DP It depends. It depends on the specifics of the particular situation, at the particular time. If parents are overwhelmed with holiday school obligations, and you need to deescalate, you deescalate by not adding additional non-obligatory responsibilities. If everything the child says matters is a treated as a mandate - like emergency medicare care - you have a dysfunctional household. |
Anonymous
Are you the same poster that’s getting divorced and doesn’t care that your kids hate your new home? It seems as though you have reading comprehension and argumentative issues. That’s great that YOU have done caroling without a red dress, but that’s fully irrelevant here. OPs kid was signed up for an activity with a basic requirement that should be fulfilled; if you think it’s dumb, the kid should never have been signed up. As a parent of a kid with social anxiety, I would not intentionally set them up to be in the wrong outfit. PP made the point that the person that takes on the mental load of all of the drudgery of every day life is also the person that takes on any health concerns. The parent that doesn’t know where their kids performance is or what they’re supposed to wear or bring and just shows up (after repeatedly asking the other parent of time and place) is not going to concern themselves with being the point person on researching health providers and ensuring they find the right fit. The non-default parent is going to expect that the default parent figures out how to get a diagnosis and what could possibly be wrong, how to find treatment and a provider, and how insurance reimbursement works. The only thing the non default parent will do is take a child to appointments occasionally, when told when and where and if anything needs to be brought. |
Anonymous
And IMO having both parents be engaged in their children's lives works best. |
Anonymous
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It seems the OP is complaining that she is shouldering more of the burden for kid-related activities (a shock, I know).
However, she does not mention what her DH was doing while she was getting the correct dress for her DD, etc. The answer to this question has a material impact here. For example, if he is a vascular surgeon earning 90% of the household income, then she has little right to complain since he is earning the lion's share of their household income (HHI). BTW - My opinion would remain the same if the genders were reversed (i.e., she was the surgeon and he was out buying the red dress). If both are contributing the same amount to their HHI, he should pick up half the kid-related tasks. If one outearns the other, the lower earner should pick up more of the slack. The math is simple: the higher earner in the family should focus more on their job to ensure they (as a unit) earn the most together. |
Anonymous
Not PP, but you seem to be the one whose unnecessarily argumentative. I can see why your kid has anxiety if that's who you talk to people. The fact that you equate the "mental load" of getting a dress for this event to making sure the child gets health care doesn't prove youir point. It just proves the point that some people, like you, cannot prioritize and blow things out of proportion. Sounds like OP is the same. |
Anonymous
No. I have no idea what you're talking about.
You don't know this.
Nor would I. I would find an activity where my child was comfortable and where I was not overburdened during a heavy holiday season.
This sounds like you are projecting your own household problems. We don't know this to be the case with OP. |
Anonymous
I completely agree and empathize with everything you are saying. Except the bolded part - and I'm being picky given your particular situation, but it's generalizable - but why is it that YOU tell your husband he has to get a dress for his kid? I have girls so they are more likely to come to me, the woman, for dresses. I also however wonder about this general dynamic where it's the mother's job to delegate or do. Why is it that the woman are being both the housewives AND the workers? |
Anonymous
DP Both parents should be co-delegating. The division of delegating can shift back-and-forth based on circumstances. But both parents should be able and willing to share delegation responsibilities. -dress critic |
Anonymous
What do you suggest then for 2-parent working families? I dont' disagree, but I also as the woman feel like it's not only my job |