Boyfriend told me to “shut the F up”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is the dog wearing a muzzle?

This.

OP, time to end things.

Take a break from dating and work on yourself. A therapy group may be more useful than individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Of course people make mistakes, yet somehow some of us have managed to go our whole lives without talking to someone like that.

Right, because being a smug ah on an anon board makes you better somehow...

You think not cursing at people is being smug? Wow your bar is super low.

You think not cursing at people is being great? Wow your bar is super low.

Not cursing at people is basic manners and human decency.

How sad is it that all we're supporting for op is literally basic human decency, and some people show up and say that's still too much. Wow.

Some of the people who aren't OP claiming they're "supporting" op for "literally basic human decency" are dehumanizing the man she loves and calling him literal trash, so, you know, maybe consider your approach if you're trying to convince people you give half a rat's ass about decency...

So who has more value, op or her bf? I submit that bf cursing at op devalues not only her, but him. He is an adult who is not conducting himself as such. Cussing is abusive language. He crossed a line. He has some maturing to do. Op has healing to do from her past, which involved abuse. She is in a relationship with someone who used abusive language while drunk! when he could've politely told her to stand down or whatever he was trying to convey. Presumeably the last person who abused op didn't start out full bore abusive. Likely it started with little things such as dismissing her perspectives and name calling her. Both op and bf have values as human beings...bf devalued both of them.

OP devalued her boyfriend when she got up on her condescension stage and started telling him whats what about his own life/dog/choices. OP, as an adult, had no business telling another adult to do with his dog. Nobody asked. Nobody needed or wanted her ignorant take. OP needs to get a better sense of boundaries and learn how and when to have conversations about things that aren't her business. She came in hot telling someone else what to do with their life, and got clapped back for it. Could he have been more polite? Yes. Could she have been more mature and respectful about knowing her place and choosing a more appropriate time for her rant? absolutely.

No victims here, just bad choices all around. But because he said a no-no word, he's the perp? Y'all are a mess.

WHOOP THERE IT IS. She didn't "know her place" and deserved to get "clapped back" for it. You're just another abuser. Stay away from women and children.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Nope. You get one chance. He'll keep doing it

So you're cool with getting dumped for one mistake, even after you apologize? Must be nice to always be perfect...

It’s not hard to not curse at your family. I’m sorry that you were raised to accept this behavior as normal.

Normal or not normal. It seems what is hard for you to accept is that people are different than you are. Your world view isn’t the only acceptable outlook. It’s what works for you but there are different types who can be totally fine people who get there a different way than you do

This is what you're failing to understand - there are differences of opinion, and then there are standards of decent behavior. You want to live in a big city because you like urban life? That's fine, others prefer rural areas with lots of space. Neither of you is right. Those are called preferences. There are no laws about whether you have to like the city or the country. There are, however, laws regarding how you talk to people, including cursing at them. Those are preferences, those are actual rules for human behavior. So the fact that you keep trying to insist that those who say cursing at people isn't okay are merely expressing their opinion, and you're entitled to your opinion, which is that it is totally fine to curse at people, shows how ridiculous you are. Oh no, there I go, calling you name! How dare I!

You think cursing at people is against the law? What on earth? Did you really just make that argument?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Of course people make mistakes, yet somehow some of us have managed to go our whole lives without talking to someone like that.

Right, because being a smug ah on an anon board makes you better somehow...

You think not cursing at people is being smug? Wow your bar is super low.

You think not cursing at people is being great? Wow your bar is super low.

Not cursing at people is basic manners and human decency.

How sad is it that all we're supporting for op is literally basic human decency, and some people show up and say that's still too much. Wow.

Some of the people who aren't OP claiming they're "supporting" op for "literally basic human decency" are dehumanizing the man she loves and calling him literal trash, so, you know, maybe consider your approach if you're trying to convince people you give half a rat's ass about decency...

So who has more value, op or her bf? I submit that bf cursing at op devalues not only her, but him. He is an adult who is not conducting himself as such. Cussing is abusive language. He crossed a line. He has some maturing to do. Op has healing to do from her past, which involved abuse. She is in a relationship with someone who used abusive language while drunk! when he could've politely told her to stand down or whatever he was trying to convey. Presumeably the last person who abused op didn't start out full bore abusive. Likely it started with little things such as dismissing her perspectives and name calling her. Both op and bf have values as human beings...bf devalued both of them.

OP devalued her boyfriend when she got up on her condescension stage and started telling him whats what about his own life/dog/choices. OP, as an adult, had no business telling another adult to do with his dog. Nobody asked. Nobody needed or wanted her ignorant take. OP needs to get a better sense of boundaries and learn how and when to have conversations about things that aren't her business. She came in hot telling someone else what to do with their life, and got clapped back for it. Could he have been more polite? Yes. Could she have been more mature and respectful about knowing her place and choosing a more appropriate time for her rant? absolutely.

No victims here, just bad choices all around. But because he said a no-no word, he's the perp? Y'all are a mess.

WHOOP THERE IT IS. She didn't "know her place" and deserved to get "clapped back" for it. You're just another abuser. Stay away from women and children.

Yes, the indication is in the language used. "Know her place"?

Hopefully she now knows that her place is not with him. This isn't Gilead, or the 1800's.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Of course people make mistakes, yet somehow some of us have managed to go our whole lives without talking to someone like that.

Right, because being a smug ah on an anon board makes you better somehow...

You think not cursing at people is being smug? Wow your bar is super low.

You think not cursing at people is being great? Wow your bar is super low.

Not cursing at people is basic manners and human decency.

How sad is it that all we're supporting for op is literally basic human decency, and some people show up and say that's still too much. Wow.

Some of the people who aren't OP claiming they're "supporting" op for "literally basic human decency" are dehumanizing the man she loves and calling him literal trash, so, you know, maybe consider your approach if you're trying to convince people you give half a rat's ass about decency...

So who has more value, op or her bf? I submit that bf cursing at op devalues not only her, but him. He is an adult who is not conducting himself as such. Cussing is abusive language. He crossed a line. He has some maturing to do. Op has healing to do from her past, which involved abuse. She is in a relationship with someone who used abusive language while drunk! when he could've politely told her to stand down or whatever he was trying to convey. Presumeably the last person who abused op didn't start out full bore abusive. Likely it started with little things such as dismissing her perspectives and name calling her. Both op and bf have values as human beings...bf devalued both of them.

OP devalued her boyfriend when she got up on her condescension stage and started telling him whats what about his own life/dog/choices. OP, as an adult, had no business telling another adult to do with his dog. Nobody asked. Nobody needed or wanted her ignorant take. OP needs to get a better sense of boundaries and learn how and when to have conversations about things that aren't her business. She came in hot telling someone else what to do with their life, and got clapped back for it. Could he have been more polite? Yes. Could she have been more mature and respectful about knowing her place and choosing a more appropriate time for her rant? absolutely.

No victims here, just bad choices all around. But because he said a no-no word, he's the perp? Y'all are a mess.

WHOOP THERE IT IS. She didn't "know her place" and deserved to get "clapped back" for it. You're just another abuser. Stay away from women and children.

Yes, the indication is in the language used. "Know her place"?

Hopefully she now knows that her place is not with him. This isn't Gilead, or the 1800's.

Agreed! I know it must be hard for OP, having a background of abuse and second guessing your gut on everything. I hope she reads these messages and feels emboldened to stand up for herself, and hold people accountable.

[Anonymous]

The handmaids tale references are a little cringe. Hard to take any points made seriously when a fictional world is your reference point for “bad” and anything you disagree with is just a milestone toward things turning into it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of only one year and he is talking like this to you? Sorry, this is the honeymoon phase of the relationship and the red flags are his drinking, being cruel to animals, and talking disrespectfully to you (he thinks you will not leave him because you can't do better).

I am fine with heated disagreements and fine with f-bombs. A-Ok with someone saying "F'ing Trump and his f'ing cruel and insane policies" as part of a heated debate. But a boyfriend of one year saying 'shut the F up' to me...nah, I would be out of there.

So happy to see women championing other women and standing up for op. There is one very weird troll poster obsessed with making sure women stay miserable and abused, not sure what they think the flex is.

If all women knew they didn't have to tolerate being treated poorly, who would these guys date/marry?

+1

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Trying again:


You are conflating the use of profanity generally by a person with profanity directed with specificity by a person at his partner. They're not the same thing.

There's still a world of difference between a non-angry "stfu" and "STFU you bleeping bleep!"

The STFU followed by lecturing and in the context of how he’s handling the dog is all we needed to know. Btw you’re talking to multiple people who are exactly on the same page.

Yeah, there's a lot of messy people in this thread who can't follow a thread and are projecting, hard, sure. She lectured him about his dog, while he was minding his own business, and got a dismissive, but not violent, STFU.

If she wants to break up with him, she should. But treating this like some sort of nuclear calamity is unhinged and way over the top. That howevermany of you are "exactly on the same page" (on the anon forum, which is full of trolls and sockpuppets) doesn't make you right.

Stop gaslighting her. Be better than the guy who tells people to STFU.

Stop using psychobabble buzzwords you don't understand. Also, stop treating everything as black/white. Also, stop making false equivalencies.

I mean, really, if you need to course correct that much, you could just stop posting, because you're not adding anything useful to the thread, which you seem to have trouble following.

Stop excusing abusive behavior.

The only people who think this language is ok to use with a bf/gf either use it on their own spouse or their spouse uses it on them. Either way not healthy, and not the people you want to be taking advice from.

Bro, stop. You can dislike swearing without making it some kind of big evil. They're words. People can use words you don't like without it being "unhealthy". Plenty of us swear, a lot. Deal therewith. OP has already said it wasn't said in anger or with vitriol. And plenty of you who don't swear use anger and vitriol all the damned time, so stop acting like you've got some kind of moral high ground because you don't say "f bombs". There's plenty of other ways to be a jerk, and a lot of the comments here illustrate that plainly.

So which are you? The abuser who speaks to their partner this way, or the person who's partner speaks to you and tells you it's normal?

Because there's only two options, and both make someone a jerk, right? Your misandry is showing.

Why won't you answer this? And how is a gender neutral question misandry? You don't seem very bright.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP came in hot with the know-it-all posturing, got clapped back, and had to come to DCUM where all the misandrists would join her pile-on instead of helping her correct the core of the problem: her stupid choice to tell her boyfriend what to do about things she doesn't even fully comprehend and wasn't asked to provide advice about.

Just drink your own beer and mind your own business, OP. In short: STFU.

Stay away from women. You aren’t a safe person.

Stay away from people, period. I doubt women are the only people PP bullies. Anyone deemed less than probably hears about it on a regular basis.

Excellent point. This person is an equal opportunity abuser. Men, women, children, animals prob. Terrifying to know they could be our neighbors or coworkers.

This judgmental harpy could be your neighbor.

You don't even know pp by name, but feel comfortable labeling them an abuser? Because... they disagree?

You need to step back and analyze your own nastiness, creepo. Calm your life down, and recognize that people who disagree with you are allowed to exist. Your need to control everyone, label those who disagree, and ostracize anyone who doesn't lockstep with your nonsense makes you the problem.

People who defend abusers are abusers themselves. No need for a name. Stop justifying abuse and people will stop calling you an abuser.

So anyone who has ever sworn once while upset is an abuser, but the namecallers aren't abusers because THEY are justified.

Okay. Sure. That makes perfect sense.

Swearing in general =/= swearing at your partner.
Your failure to grasp basic concepts about decency is concerning.

dropping a "STFU" when drunk and being badgered by someone who has no standing to be involved in the first place isn't the egregious decency violation you're trying to claim, but good luck living your life while this hysterical and overreacting this hard about small things.

And you didn't address the part about how someone who didn't swear at anyone got abused, but that's because it makes sense you can't argue. So you'll go back to insulting people, abuser.

Project much?

Me, project? Says the alcoholic telling on himself. You must also spout off when you’ve had a few (already??) and think it’s totes acceptable. He was drinking, give him a break!

Still not a man, and I've been totally sober for years, but you don't care about facts so let's set that aside.

The time to have a serious conversation with someone isn't when they're in their cups. OP takes zero responsibility for starting mess about a subject that isn't even her business, while the dude was having a drink. I don't drink, but if you interrupt my "me time" to tell me how you think I'm handling my business wrong while implying you do it better, well, that's not exactly compassionate, considerate behavior now, is it?

But it's going to be hard for you to wrap your head around that, because you're too busy arguing with a stranger you insist on misgendering to justify your misandry. Cool.

This thought process is so gross. What if he had hit OP because she started that mess? Is that ok because she started it? Or is hitting not ok, but cursing at someone is? Or is yelling ok, since the person deserved it? Only people who have been abused or people who do abuse others things you can blame the victim for whatever they got. NO ONE deserves to be yelled at, cursed at, hit, etc. Doesn't mean they shouldn't say they're sorry for pissing someone off, but retaliating when you're upset is not ok, ever.

Yep. Some people really have no standards to how they treat other people or how they want to be treated.

What would you say to your bff or daughter if they told you about this? "Mom, my bf got wasted and told me to shut the f*** up." would you tell her to stay? To say "oh sweetie, its fine when men get drunk and curse at you. No one is perfect!". Please, read how fricken dumb this sounds.

Op, there are legitimately good, kind men out there. I know the internet makes it look like the only guys out there are abusive bridge dwellers, but it's not entirely true. You've seen posts on this thread from other men saying they would never speak to their wife like this. You've seen posts on this thread from other men saying this is unacceptable behavior. You've also read a troll continually posting that behavior like this is ok and NBD. You have the choice who's advice to take to heart and to move forward with your life. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I demand respect from my partner and I still feel like this is blowing one incident out of proportion. You told him not to speak to you like that again and he should abide by that. But I don't think this is some life shattering incident. As you note, it's triggering for you given your past but only you know the full context of how your current BF acts and treats you and whether this was a major outlier that he can be forgiven for and learn from. You can also learn from it. As you acknowledged, this is a sensitive subject for him (his dog and how to care for it) and none of us know the words, tone or attitude with which you approached it. He should not use that language with you but he also has a right to stand up for himself on something that's important to him. I think the conversation you had afterwards is a good sign.

I'd say, take a step back and try to look at the situation as objectively as you can--ask a trusted friend for feedback on how they think he treats you. Try to assess whether you feel happy, strong and like yourself when you are with him. If not, re-assess the relationship. If so, take his apology and make it clear you cannot tolerate a response like that again.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

Exactly. Women need to STOP making up excuses for their boys. It hurts a guy’s success in life when women make this huge mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I demand respect from my partner and I still feel like this is blowing one incident out of proportion. You told him not to speak to you like that again and he should abide by that. But I don't think this is some life shattering incident. As you note, it's triggering for you given your past but only you know the full context of how your current BF acts and treats you and whether this was a major outlier that he can be forgiven for and learn from. You can also learn from it. As you acknowledged, this is a sensitive subject for him (his dog and how to care for it) and none of us know the words, tone or attitude with which you approached it. He should not use that language with you but he also has a right to stand up for himself on something that's important to him. I think the conversation you had afterwards is a good sign.

I'd say, take a step back and try to look at the situation as objectively as you can--ask a trusted friend for feedback on how they think he treats you. Try to assess whether you feel happy, strong and like yourself when you are with him. If not, re-assess the relationship. If so, take his apology and make it clear you cannot tolerate a response like that again.

This is exactly right. No one here has enough information to tell you that this is 1 strike and you’re out. They’re projecting their own experiences onto you.

Do your friends like the guy? You shouldn’t always listen to your friends - but I think if you have well-grounded thoughtful insightful friends, you should ask them.

Don’t ask your perpetually single party girl friends with impossible standards and secretly want you to be single because they’re mean girls.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I demand respect from my partner and I still feel like this is blowing one incident out of proportion. You told him not to speak to you like that again and he should abide by that. But I don't think this is some life shattering incident. As you note, it's triggering for you given your past but only you know the full context of how your current BF acts and treats you and whether this was a major outlier that he can be forgiven for and learn from. You can also learn from it. As you acknowledged, this is a sensitive subject for him (his dog and how to care for it) and none of us know the words, tone or attitude with which you approached it. He should not use that language with you but he also has a right to stand up for himself on something that's important to him. I think the conversation you had afterwards is a good sign.

I'd say, take a step back and try to look at the situation as objectively as you can--ask a trusted friend for feedback on how they think he treats you. Try to assess whether you feel happy, strong and like yourself when you are with him. If not, re-assess the relationship. If so, take his apology and make it clear you cannot tolerate a response like that again.

This is exactly right. No one here has enough information to tell you that this is 1 strike and you’re out. They’re projecting their own experiences onto you.

Do your friends like the guy? You shouldn’t always listen to your friends - but I think if you have well-grounded thoughtful insightful friends, you should ask them.

Don’t ask your perpetually single party girl friends with impossible standards and secretly want you to be single because they’re mean girls.

What a gross misogynistic thing to say. Mansplaining mean girls to grown women is pretty disgusting.

We aren’t all projecting into op, we are taking her abusive history into account which makes it more difficult to sort through these emotions. Your extreme push for women to stay with abusive men is getting very very weird.