Boyfriend told me to “shut the F up”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I demand respect from my partner and I still feel like this is blowing one incident out of proportion. You told him not to speak to you like that again and he should abide by that. But I don't think this is some life shattering incident. As you note, it's triggering for you given your past but only you know the full context of how your current BF acts and treats you and whether this was a major outlier that he can be forgiven for and learn from. You can also learn from it. As you acknowledged, this is a sensitive subject for him (his dog and how to care for it) and none of us know the words, tone or attitude with which you approached it. He should not use that language with you but he also has a right to stand up for himself on something that's important to him. I think the conversation you had afterwards is a good sign.

I'd say, take a step back and try to look at the situation as objectively as you can--ask a trusted friend for feedback on how they think he treats you. Try to assess whether you feel happy, strong and like yourself when you are with him. If not, re-assess the relationship. If so, take his apology and make it clear you cannot tolerate a response like that again.

This is exactly right. No one here has enough information to tell you that this is 1 strike and you’re out. They’re projecting their own experiences onto you.

Do your friends like the guy? You shouldn’t always listen to your friends - but I think if you have well-grounded thoughtful insightful friends, you should ask them.

Don’t ask your perpetually single party girl friends with impossible standards and secretly want you to be single because they’re mean girls.

Are you one who told OP to “know her place” and that she deserved this? How dare you give further advice after that abhorrent statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Of course people make mistakes, yet somehow some of us have managed to go our whole lives without talking to someone like that.

Right, because being a smug ah on an anon board makes you better somehow...

You think not cursing at people is being smug? Wow your bar is super low.

You think not cursing at people is being great? Wow your bar is super low.

Not cursing at people is basic manners and human decency.

How sad is it that all we're supporting for op is literally basic human decency, and some people show up and say that's still too much. Wow.

Some of the people who aren't OP claiming they're "supporting" op for "literally basic human decency" are dehumanizing the man she loves and calling him literal trash, so, you know, maybe consider your approach if you're trying to convince people you give half a rat's ass about decency...

So who has more value, op or her bf? I submit that bf cursing at op devalues not only her, but him. He is an adult who is not conducting himself as such. Cussing is abusive language. He crossed a line. He has some maturing to do. Op has healing to do from her past, which involved abuse. She is in a relationship with someone who used abusive language while drunk! when he could've politely told her to stand down or whatever he was trying to convey. Presumeably the last person who abused op didn't start out full bore abusive. Likely it started with little things such as dismissing her perspectives and name calling her. Both op and bf have values as human beings...bf devalued both of them.

OP devalued her boyfriend when she got up on her condescension stage and started telling him whats what about his own life/dog/choices. OP, as an adult, had no business telling another adult to do with his dog. Nobody asked. Nobody needed or wanted her ignorant take. OP needs to get a better sense of boundaries and learn how and when to have conversations about things that aren't her business. She came in hot telling someone else what to do with their life, and got clapped back for it. Could he have been more polite? Yes. Could she have been more mature and respectful about knowing her place and choosing a more appropriate time for her rant? absolutely.

No victims here, just bad choices all around. But because he said a no-no word, he's the perp? Y'all are a mess.

WHOOP THERE IT IS. She didn't "know her place" and deserved to get "clapped back" for it. You're just another abuser. Stay away from women and children.

Op this is how people like pp think - they think you deserve this treatment because you didnt mind your place - aka beneath a man. Please do not listen to drivel like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I demand respect from my partner and I still feel like this is blowing one incident out of proportion. You told him not to speak to you like that again and he should abide by that. But I don't think this is some life shattering incident. As you note, it's triggering for you given your past but only you know the full context of how your current BF acts and treats you and whether this was a major outlier that he can be forgiven for and learn from. You can also learn from it. As you acknowledged, this is a sensitive subject for him (his dog and how to care for it) and none of us know the words, tone or attitude with which you approached it. He should not use that language with you but he also has a right to stand up for himself on something that's important to him. I think the conversation you had afterwards is a good sign.

I'd say, take a step back and try to look at the situation as objectively as you can--ask a trusted friend for feedback on how they think he treats you. Try to assess whether you feel happy, strong and like yourself when you are with him. If not, re-assess the relationship. If so, take his apology and make it clear you cannot tolerate a response like that again.

This is exactly right. No one here has enough information to tell you that this is 1 strike and you’re out. They’re projecting their own experiences onto you.

Do your friends like the guy? You shouldn’t always listen to your friends - but I think if you have well-grounded thoughtful insightful friends, you should ask them.

Don’t ask your perpetually single party girl friends with impossible standards and secretly want you to be single because they’re mean girls.

What a gross misogynistic thing to say. Mansplaining mean girls to grown women is pretty disgusting.

We aren’t all projecting into op, we are taking her abusive history into account which makes it more difficult to sort through these emotions. Your extreme push for women to stay with abusive men is getting very very weird.

And your assumption that this is definitely an abusive relationship based on the information provided by OP is not helpful either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

[Anonymous]

Has the dog bitten people?

Has the breed been identified?

OP, learn from your past and stop repeating it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I demand respect from my partner and I still feel like this is blowing one incident out of proportion. You told him not to speak to you like that again and he should abide by that. But I don't think this is some life shattering incident. As you note, it's triggering for you given your past but only you know the full context of how your current BF acts and treats you and whether this was a major outlier that he can be forgiven for and learn from. You can also learn from it. As you acknowledged, this is a sensitive subject for him (his dog and how to care for it) and none of us know the words, tone or attitude with which you approached it. He should not use that language with you but he also has a right to stand up for himself on something that's important to him. I think the conversation you had afterwards is a good sign.

I'd say, take a step back and try to look at the situation as objectively as you can--ask a trusted friend for feedback on how they think he treats you. Try to assess whether you feel happy, strong and like yourself when you are with him. If not, re-assess the relationship. If so, take his apology and make it clear you cannot tolerate a response like that again.

This is exactly right. No one here has enough information to tell you that this is 1 strike and you’re out. They’re projecting their own experiences onto you.

Do your friends like the guy? You shouldn’t always listen to your friends - but I think if you have well-grounded thoughtful insightful friends, you should ask them.

Don’t ask your perpetually single party girl friends with impossible standards and secretly want you to be single because they’re mean girls.

What a gross misogynistic thing to say. Mansplaining mean girls to grown women is pretty disgusting.

We aren’t all projecting into op, we are taking her abusive history into account which makes it more difficult to sort through these emotions. Your extreme push for women to stay with abusive men is getting very very weird.[/quote]
It is so weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I demand respect from my partner and I still feel like this is blowing one incident out of proportion. You told him not to speak to you like that again and he should abide by that. But I don't think this is some life shattering incident. As you note, it's triggering for you given your past but only you know the full context of how your current BF acts and treats you and whether this was a major outlier that he can be forgiven for and learn from. You can also learn from it. As you acknowledged, this is a sensitive subject for him (his dog and how to care for it) and none of us know the words, tone or attitude with which you approached it. He should not use that language with you but he also has a right to stand up for himself on something that's important to him. I think the conversation you had afterwards is a good sign.

I'd say, take a step back and try to look at the situation as objectively as you can--ask a trusted friend for feedback on how they think he treats you. Try to assess whether you feel happy, strong and like yourself when you are with him. If not, re-assess the relationship. If so, take his apology and make it clear you cannot tolerate a response like that again.

This is exactly right. No one here has enough information to tell you that this is 1 strike and you’re out. They’re projecting their own experiences onto you.

Do your friends like the guy? You shouldn’t always listen to your friends - but I think if you have well-grounded thoughtful insightful friends, you should ask them.

Don’t ask your perpetually single party girl friends with impossible standards and secretly want you to be single because they’re mean girls.

Are you one who told OP to “know her place” and that she deserved this? How dare you give further advice after that abhorrent statement.

This is going to blow you away… but “anonymous” is a name used for everyone. It’s not just 1 person. You have to know that right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

I bet this guy wouldn’t tell his boss to shut the f*** up. People know how to be adults and show respect - to people they think are worthy of it.

He only punches down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I demand respect from my partner and I still feel like this is blowing one incident out of proportion. You told him not to speak to you like that again and he should abide by that. But I don't think this is some life shattering incident. As you note, it's triggering for you given your past but only you know the full context of how your current BF acts and treats you and whether this was a major outlier that he can be forgiven for and learn from. You can also learn from it. As you acknowledged, this is a sensitive subject for him (his dog and how to care for it) and none of us know the words, tone or attitude with which you approached it. He should not use that language with you but he also has a right to stand up for himself on something that's important to him. I think the conversation you had afterwards is a good sign.

I'd say, take a step back and try to look at the situation as objectively as you can--ask a trusted friend for feedback on how they think he treats you. Try to assess whether you feel happy, strong and like yourself when you are with him. If not, re-assess the relationship. If so, take his apology and make it clear you cannot tolerate a response like that again.

This is exactly right. No one here has enough information to tell you that this is 1 strike and you’re out. They’re projecting their own experiences onto you.

Do your friends like the guy? You shouldn’t always listen to your friends - but I think if you have well-grounded thoughtful insightful friends, you should ask them.

Don’t ask your perpetually single party girl friends with impossible standards and secretly want you to be single because they’re mean girls.

Are you one who told OP to “know her place” and that she deserved this? How dare you give further advice after that abhorrent statement.

This is going to blow you away… but “anonymous” is a name used for everyone. It’s not just 1 person. You have to know that right?

and dcum is visited by educated people who are typically above average intelligence. I can recognize your "voice." It is relentless, grating and kooky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I demand respect from my partner and I still feel like this is blowing one incident out of proportion. You told him not to speak to you like that again and he should abide by that. But I don't think this is some life shattering incident. As you note, it's triggering for you given your past but only you know the full context of how your current BF acts and treats you and whether this was a major outlier that he can be forgiven for and learn from. You can also learn from it. As you acknowledged, this is a sensitive subject for him (his dog and how to care for it) and none of us know the words, tone or attitude with which you approached it. He should not use that language with you but he also has a right to stand up for himself on something that's important to him. I think the conversation you had afterwards is a good sign.

I'd say, take a step back and try to look at the situation as objectively as you can--ask a trusted friend for feedback on how they think he treats you. Try to assess whether you feel happy, strong and like yourself when you are with him. If not, re-assess the relationship. If so, take his apology and make it clear you cannot tolerate a response like that again.

This is exactly right. No one here has enough information to tell you that this is 1 strike and you’re out. They’re projecting their own experiences onto you.

Do your friends like the guy? You shouldn’t always listen to your friends - but I think if you have well-grounded thoughtful insightful friends, you should ask them.

Don’t ask your perpetually single party girl friends with impossible standards and secretly want you to be single because they’re mean girls.

Are you one who told OP to “know her place” and that she deserved this? How dare you give further advice after that abhorrent statement.

This is going to blow you away… but “anonymous” is a name used for everyone. It’s not just 1 person. You have to know that right?

So it was you and you want to hide behind anonymity and not own your words. Funny that you think you can dish it out and call other people names and how women need to know their place but when you get called on it you’re a little church mouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

I bet this guy wouldn’t tell his boss to shut the f*** up. People know how to be adults and show respect - to people they think are worthy of it.

He only punches down.

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I demand respect from my partner and I still feel like this is blowing one incident out of proportion. You told him not to speak to you like that again and he should abide by that. But I don't think this is some life shattering incident. As you note, it's triggering for you given your past but only you know the full context of how your current BF acts and treats you and whether this was a major outlier that he can be forgiven for and learn from. You can also learn from it. As you acknowledged, this is a sensitive subject for him (his dog and how to care for it) and none of us know the words, tone or attitude with which you approached it. He should not use that language with you but he also has a right to stand up for himself on something that's important to him. I think the conversation you had afterwards is a good sign.

I'd say, take a step back and try to look at the situation as objectively as you can--ask a trusted friend for feedback on how they think he treats you. Try to assess whether you feel happy, strong and like yourself when you are with him. If not, re-assess the relationship. If so, take his apology and make it clear you cannot tolerate a response like that again.

This is exactly right. No one here has enough information to tell you that this is 1 strike and you’re out. They’re projecting their own experiences onto you.

Do your friends like the guy? You shouldn’t always listen to your friends - but I think if you have well-grounded thoughtful insightful friends, you should ask them.

Don’t ask your perpetually single party girl friends with impossible standards and secretly want you to be single because they’re mean girls.

What a gross misogynistic thing to say. Mansplaining mean girls to grown women is pretty disgusting.

We aren’t all projecting into op, we are taking her abusive history into account which makes it more difficult to sort through these emotions. Your extreme push for women to stay with abusive men is getting very very weird.

The OP undoubtedly has catty single part girl friends who would tell her to break up with just about anyone to keep themselves happy. Don’t ask them.

I think it’s weird you want her to trust YOU an anonymous poster on the internet and not consult her friends. Talk about controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

None of the posters on this thread have acted like adults 100% of the time - so this seems like a reach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

I bet this guy wouldn’t tell his boss to shut the f*** up. People know how to be adults and show respect - to people they think are worthy of it.

He only punches down.

Eh. I think you’re unaware of how certain classes of people interact. 2 guys drinking, let’s say Verizon store employees, where the boss insults the employees dog? It could be worse than stfu and everyone would go to the work the next day like nothing happened.

I think people here live a very sheltered life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I demand respect from my partner and I still feel like this is blowing one incident out of proportion. You told him not to speak to you like that again and he should abide by that. But I don't think this is some life shattering incident. As you note, it's triggering for you given your past but only you know the full context of how your current BF acts and treats you and whether this was a major outlier that he can be forgiven for and learn from. You can also learn from it. As you acknowledged, this is a sensitive subject for him (his dog and how to care for it) and none of us know the words, tone or attitude with which you approached it. He should not use that language with you but he also has a right to stand up for himself on something that's important to him. I think the conversation you had afterwards is a good sign.

I'd say, take a step back and try to look at the situation as objectively as you can--ask a trusted friend for feedback on how they think he treats you. Try to assess whether you feel happy, strong and like yourself when you are with him. If not, re-assess the relationship. If so, take his apology and make it clear you cannot tolerate a response like that again.

This is exactly right. No one here has enough information to tell you that this is 1 strike and you’re out. They’re projecting their own experiences onto you.

Do your friends like the guy? You shouldn’t always listen to your friends - but I think if you have well-grounded thoughtful insightful friends, you should ask them.

Don’t ask your perpetually single party girl friends with impossible standards and secretly want you to be single because they’re mean girls.

What a gross misogynistic thing to say. Mansplaining mean girls to grown women is pretty disgusting.

We aren’t all projecting into op, we are taking her abusive history into account which makes it more difficult to sort through these emotions. Your extreme push for women to stay with abusive men is getting very very weird.

The OP undoubtedly has catty single part girl friends who would tell her to break up with just about anyone to keep themselves happy. Don’t ask them.

I think it’s weird you want her to trust YOU an anonymous poster on the internet and not consult her friends. Talk about controlling.

Again, where do you get this misogynistic garbage? Doesn’t sound like you know much about female friendships. Andrew Tate telling you to isolate women from her single friends is not it.