Harsh comment on being a Sahm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, being a SAHM is exhausting; I did it for several years. But it is *nowhere* as exhausting as being the primary parent while also holding down a full time job. The "SAHM" duties don't disappear. You have more to do and less time to do it in, especially if you are someone (like me and the majority of the world) who can't afford to hire help.

That said, your kids have no right to be so disrespectful. I am sorry for that.

This is true, but is it a contest? Do we want medals?
Should we want to be martyrs?
Should this be the gold standard?

This. I don’t understand this sentiment. My spouse and I choose to give up some money for more free time and more flexibility. We choose to not be exhausted.

It doesn’t mean I don’t do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"
I'm not even a SAHM but I 100% agree that you should just stop doing everything you do around the house so they can see the value you add to the household and how much more it is than anyone else's contribution to running it."

NOPE! There would be no house to clean and no food to cook if the other parent weren't earning money. How do you teach kids the value of money and how their effort at school relates to the life they'll one day be able to afford if you won't acknowledge the importance of money?!

Please tell me that you aren't teaching your kid to grow up believing it's okay to not be able to be self-sufficient. And I really hope you're not teaching your daughters to expect that they can exchange mopping floors and sex for a roof over their head.

Question: how do you view people who make their living by mopping floors? Because many immigrants, POC, and less privileged people make their living by mopping floors. Do you think they are less valuable human beings?

Of course not. They are working for a wage, which is entirely different proposition than exchanging sex for housing.

You are a sick and misogynistic person if you truly think this is about “exchanging sex for housing”. Maybe you are someone who sees everything in transactional terms, as in “What’s in it for me?” Which is not the norm.

Whether you earn money or not does not determine your value as a human being, nor the value of the relationships with your loved ones.

[Anonymous]

I gave up my legal career when my younger child was three. He's now a junior in high school, and I have no plans to go back to work. When people ask me whether I'm bored or whatever, I just laugh and say something sarcastically dismissive like "my kids are still the most difficult clients I've ever had."

[Anonymous]

One of my kids was like this, but I wanted to say now that DC is in college, over winter break he said I am so glad that you stayed home with us. It was so nice to hear!

[Anonymous]

Adding I dislike the perspective of the two parent working family as harried and exhausted and slaves to fast food. We are none of those things and both parents have worked busy jobs throughout, with the exception of a four month maternity leave for mom.

I don't working or staying at home is inherently better or worse. I do think a teen who is busting their ass to get good grades, get into college, etc might have some questions about what their parent at home is doing all day while everyone else has a clear role during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gave up my legal career when my younger child was three. He's now a junior in high school, and I have no plans to go back to work. When people ask me whether I'm bored or whatever, I just laugh and say something sarcastically dismissive like "my kids are still the most difficult clients I've ever had."

OP is bothered by snarky comments from her own children...not random strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave up my legal career when my younger child was three. He's now a junior in high school, and I have no plans to go back to work. When people ask me whether I'm bored or whatever, I just laugh and say something sarcastically dismissive like "my kids are still the most difficult clients I've ever had."

OP is bothered by snarky comments from her own children...not random strangers.

I think the former-lawyer PP's comment is apropos nonetheless because OP's DD is 13. 13, people - a truly special combination of clueless and selfish!! And no 13 year old's life should be so arduous that she resents a SAHM for not being busy every second of every day. I certainly hope a 13 year old spends plenty of time chilling out with her friends, enjoying hobbies, or reading a book.

If you worked OP, your DD would find a way to put you down for that the next time she was in a bad mood or frustrated over whatever.

Tell her to be kind. And tell her that you and her father are partners in providing the nice life you all enjoy, and you each play different roles in making it possible. And tell her that life is long with many seasons, and your role has looked different in different seasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adding I dislike the perspective of the two parent working family as harried and exhausted and slaves to fast food. We are none of those things and both parents have worked busy jobs throughout, with the exception of a four month maternity leave for mom.

I don't working or staying at home is inherently better or worse. I do think a teen who is busting their ass to get good grades, get into college, etc might have some questions about what their parent at home is doing all day while everyone else has a clear role during the day.

+1 The reality is that my 16 yo DD is busier than I am. Sure, I'm getting her and the younger siblings out the door in the morning, but then everyone leaves and I have a cup of coffee before heading to the office. Sure, I'm the one coming home and making dinner, driving DCs to activities, etc., but then I sit down for the evening with a book while she does a lot of homework. If I was a SAHM, my teens would absolutely be busier than I am. They're busier than I am now and I WOH. Teens also aren't going to ever understand that keeping the family and household running takes a lot of coordination and thought. It's just not where their minds are. Basically, I think OP's DD made a harsh and rude comment, but that doesn't make it untrue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp sorry I didn't read the whole post LOL. One good convo I had with my daughter who sometimes says similar things... I did remind her that I clean the entire house, it's immaculate, I make great food, I remind her all the stuff that benefits from. And also I made a comparison of office jobs like her going to school. People do it but it can be so boring. Why waste your life doing something you loathe? Now, some ppl like their jobs and that's great. I like my job of being a mom and also getting to focus on my health (I love exercise). Luckily my daughter prefers home cooked meals so I will say, do you want to do all the cooking? Do you want to do the laundry and clean the entire house? Who do you think will manage your dr appts (she has special needs). So tweens can be snarky but don't take it personally. I know it's hard when they don't appreciate.

You do realize that working families do all this too?

You SAHMs, in your desire to justify your choice to not work - which is AOK btw! - make it seem like if you did work your house would be in shambles, you’d eat out every night, and no one would ever go to the doctor.

What are you teaching them by telling them the world would fall apart if both parents work?

You and your spouse are choosing to do the equivalent of three full time jobs which is A-OK btw! SAHMs and their spouses choose to do the equivalent of two. It’s not complicated and no one is staying home AT you…

I like this explanation actually. All the same work is getting done by working families and families with a SAHM.

I’ve done all of the combinations of SAHM, WOH, and WAH and the short answer to this is no, it isn’t. All of the same work isn’t being done. I took my role as SAHM very seriously with growing some of our own food, careful budget and nutrition-conscious meal planning and execution that simply isn’t reasonably possible with 2 parents working fully out of the home, with commutes. That is only one example. I could also not be nearly as involved in my kids school and activities as a full time WOH mom. Not even close.

While theoretically possible, if you are saying the “same work is being done” that means either a pretty lazy SAHM or a WOHM who doesn’t do any self care or have even 20 minutes of time for herself. Neither of which are things to aspire to.

I am one of the single moms who posted above. I work full time, more than 40 hours a week. My house is clean. My laundry is done. My kid is in several activities. I am really passionate about eating a wholesome diet and I like gardening, so I grow some of our food, and make most of our food from scratch including bread for school lunches, waffles for breakfasts, crackers, and all of our dinners. I'm going to be honest, I do not think I could possibly do more than I already do even if I stayed home, I would just have A LOT more time to prioritize my own hobbies and interests and I could do things more slowly. It's absolutely a trade off. For example, I still manage to get in 4 workouts a week, but instead of having a leisurely time going to a class at a boutique studio, I either block my lunch on a wfh day and get it done, or wake up early and do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"
I'm not even a SAHM but I 100% agree that you should just stop doing everything you do around the house so they can see the value you add to the household and how much more it is than anyone else's contribution to running it."

NOPE! There would be no house to clean and no food to cook if the other parent weren't earning money. How do you teach kids the value of money and how their effort at school relates to the life they'll one day be able to afford if you won't acknowledge the importance of money?!

Please tell me that you aren't teaching your kid to grow up believing it's okay to not be able to be self-sufficient. And I really hope you're not teaching your daughters to expect that they can exchange mopping floors and sex for a roof over their head.

As a fellow WOHM, I hope you are not teaching your daughters that it is ok to say stuff like this. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp sorry I didn't read the whole post LOL. One good convo I had with my daughter who sometimes says similar things... I did remind her that I clean the entire house, it's immaculate, I make great food, I remind her all the stuff that benefits from. And also I made a comparison of office jobs like her going to school. People do it but it can be so boring. Why waste your life doing something you loathe? Now, some ppl like their jobs and that's great. I like my job of being a mom and also getting to focus on my health (I love exercise). Luckily my daughter prefers home cooked meals so I will say, do you want to do all the cooking? Do you want to do the laundry and clean the entire house? Who do you think will manage your dr appts (she has special needs). So tweens can be snarky but don't take it personally. I know it's hard when they don't appreciate.

You do realize that working families do all this too?

You SAHMs, in your desire to justify your choice to not work - which is AOK btw! - make it seem like if you did work your house would be in shambles, you’d eat out every night, and no one would ever go to the doctor.

What are you teaching them by telling them the world would fall apart if both parents work?

You and your spouse are choosing to do the equivalent of three full time jobs which is A-OK btw! SAHMs and their spouses choose to do the equivalent of two. It’s not complicated and no one is staying home AT you…

I like this explanation actually. All the same work is getting done by working families and families with a SAHM.

I’ve done all of the combinations of SAHM, WOH, and WAH and the short answer to this is no, it isn’t. All of the same work isn’t being done. I took my role as SAHM very seriously with growing some of our own food, careful budget and nutrition-conscious meal planning and execution that simply isn’t reasonably possible with 2 parents working fully out of the home, with commutes. That is only one example. I could also not be nearly as involved in my kids school and activities as a full time WOH mom. Not even close.

While theoretically possible, if you are saying the “same work is being done” that means either a pretty lazy SAHM or a WOHM who doesn’t do any self care or have even 20 minutes of time for herself. Neither of which are things to aspire to.

I am one of the single moms who posted above. I work full time, more than 40 hours a week. My house is clean. My laundry is done. My kid is in several activities. I am really passionate about eating a wholesome diet and I like gardening, so I grow some of our food, and make most of our food from scratch including bread for school lunches, waffles for breakfasts, crackers, and all of our dinners. I'm going to be honest, I do not think I could possibly do more than I already do even if I stayed home, I would just have A LOT more time to prioritize my own hobbies and interests and I could do things more slowly. It's absolutely a trade off. For example, I still manage to get in 4 workouts a week, but instead of having a leisurely time going to a class at a boutique studio, I either block my lunch on a wfh day and get it done, or wake up early and do it.

How old are you? How many hours do you sleep? What drugs are you on? How old is your child, and do you have full custody? Whatever you are doing for 40 hours a week must be pretty low key because no way a normal job leaves someone with enough energy to be doing all that.
Also you come off like a smug b1tch craving external validation for how hard you work and how you have it all together in spite of being a single mom.

Who on earth wants get up to drop off their kid, work a full day, pick up the kid, go home and then spend the evening on a very full second shift with no partner to share the workload?
Making your own crackers, WTF.

You likely don’t have time for friends, which checks out because your smug, unrelateable attitude probably keeps most people away.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but the kid has a point. I was a SAHM for 7 years when the kids were little then went back once they were in school all day. With WFH it was a no brainer. I think my kids respect me more and everything still gets done around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but the kid has a point. I was a SAHM for 7 years when the kids were little then went back once they were in school all day. With WFH it was a no brainer. I think my kids respect me more and everything still gets done around the house.

Um, yeah. WFH is not available for everyone, unfortunately. It is obviously a huge game changer for those who are able to have it.
All of those hours spent commuting now recaptured and able to spend doing something productive.

But if you can’t WFH, the math is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp sorry I didn't read the whole post LOL. One good convo I had with my daughter who sometimes says similar things... I did remind her that I clean the entire house, it's immaculate, I make great food, I remind her all the stuff that benefits from. And also I made a comparison of office jobs like her going to school. People do it but it can be so boring. Why waste your life doing something you loathe? Now, some ppl like their jobs and that's great. I like my job of being a mom and also getting to focus on my health (I love exercise). Luckily my daughter prefers home cooked meals so I will say, do you want to do all the cooking? Do you want to do the laundry and clean the entire house? Who do you think will manage your dr appts (she has special needs). So tweens can be snarky but don't take it personally. I know it's hard when they don't appreciate.

You do realize that working families do all this too?

You SAHMs, in your desire to justify your choice to not work - which is AOK btw! - make it seem like if you did work your house would be in shambles, you’d eat out every night, and no one would ever go to the doctor.

What are you teaching them by telling them the world would fall apart if both parents work?

You and your spouse are choosing to do the equivalent of three full time jobs which is A-OK btw! SAHMs and their spouses choose to do the equivalent of two. It’s not complicated and no one is staying home AT you…

I like this explanation actually. All the same work is getting done by working families and families with a SAHM.

I’ve done all of the combinations of SAHM, WOH, and WAH and the short answer to this is no, it isn’t. All of the same work isn’t being done. I took my role as SAHM very seriously with growing some of our own food, careful budget and nutrition-conscious meal planning and execution that simply isn’t reasonably possible with 2 parents working fully out of the home, with commutes. That is only one example. I could also not be nearly as involved in my kids school and activities as a full time WOH mom. Not even close.

While theoretically possible, if you are saying the “same work is being done” that means either a pretty lazy SAHM or a WOHM who doesn’t do any self care or have even 20 minutes of time for herself. Neither of which are things to aspire to.

I am one of the single moms who posted above. I work full time, more than 40 hours a week. My house is clean. My laundry is done. My kid is in several activities. I am really passionate about eating a wholesome diet and I like gardening, so I grow some of our food, and make most of our food from scratch including bread for school lunches, waffles for breakfasts, crackers, and all of our dinners. I'm going to be honest, I do not think I could possibly do more than I already do even if I stayed home, I would just have A LOT more time to prioritize my own hobbies and interests and I could do things more slowly. It's absolutely a trade off. For example, I still manage to get in 4 workouts a week, but instead of having a leisurely time going to a class at a boutique studio, I either block my lunch on a wfh day and get it done, or wake up early and do it.

How old are you? How many hours do you sleep? What drugs are you on? How old is your child, and do you have full custody? Whatever you are doing for 40 hours a week must be pretty low key because no way a normal job leaves someone with enough energy to be doing all that.
Also you come off like a smug b1tch craving external validation for how hard you work and how you have it all together in spite of being a single mom.

Who on earth wants get up to drop off their kid, work a full day, pick up the kid, go home and then spend the evening on a very full second shift with no partner to share the workload?
Making your own crackers, WTF.

You likely don’t have time for friends, which checks out because your smug, unrelateable attitude probably keeps most people away.

Pointing out that a SAHM mom isn't the only one who can keep a clean house, garden, and cook is hardly smug. I am sorry if this disrupts your worldview and sense of self. I think the truth is, a lot of people who decided to stay home aren't driven type A's, and that is fine. But don't act like all the stuff you do couldn't possibly get done by someone who works, and if moms work the house would be in shambles, and your children wandering around in dirty clothes with holes. A lot of moms who keep working are organized and efficient, and are able to get a lot done. I have found some systems and ways of staying organized that work well for me. I have full custody, and I am not on drugs (lol).

Also, home made crackers are delicious and don't take that long to make. My kid loves helping make them! You should try it, you'll never go back to store bought.

[Anonymous]

I’m another single mom and while I don’t have time to make my own crackers, I do work a second job and an occasional third job. Why? It’s the same reason most people work second jobs. Job #1 doesn’t pay all of the bills. Do I have the energy for it? Hell no! I’m 49 years old and spend my days in a overstimulating school that expects me to be everything to everybody. I’m not on drugs to do all of this. I do a lot of dropping off and picking up of my kids in between the two jobs. The house gets cleaned on weekends by all of us. My son will go to the grocery store today (he just got his license) and my DD and I will clean and cook. People do this all of the time because they don’t have a choice.