No Kids at Wedding - Why So Much Anger?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious how it’s communicated on the invite. Do people actually write “child free”?!

The way I’ve seen it, the invite is addressed only to the couple rather than to the family and the wedding website says something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weddings are usually about celebrating a happy event with friends and family - so when you say except you - we don't want you at our wedding, we don't want you to be here, we don't want to celebrate with you, we want family pictures without you - you aren't invited....that hurts - be it adult or older child. Knowing your family member wants to exclude you from their wedding ceremony and dinner tells you a lot about what they think of you and none of it good.

We had that happen recently. Tween excluded from a wedding of someone they thought they were close to and thought that person liked them. Everyone else in the family was invied and going (tween is youngest). They were very confused as to why they weren't wanted especially as they hadn't been to a wedding before and had been very very excited about it all...and said family member had been telling them details and showing them pictures. At first family member said it was financial so we offered to cover the cost. Then they said it was numbers and space but given their venue, that didn't make sense. Eventually they gave in reluctantly and tween went. Tween is basically an adult in terms of behaviour, sat quietly, ate properly, didn't run around. We kept tween from going up to talk to bride to avoid any perception that she was being annoying. Now family member acts like she always wanted her there...

This is nuts. No, it just means their wedding reception is an adults only event. The fact that you pushed to have your tween included when she wasn’t invited is so tacky!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:A wedding is and should be whatever the two people getting married want it to be. That said, they must be gracious if people decline to attend for any reason, including child care.

But no, "two families" are not getting married; two individuals are. So it's whatever they want. If you don't like it, decline. No one owes you a family reunion. If you want a family reunion, plan, pay for and host one. The end.

This. The anger is on both sides. If someone declines because travel with kids and then unknown babysitter in a new place is undesirable, the the bride/groomzillas need to accept that.

Frankly if I were having a distance wedding with travelers with young kids I’d 1) have a reception open to kids (maybe not ceremony); and 2) I’d either provide babysitting or make a list for guests.

bride/groomzillas?
As has been pointed out, THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU DECLINE. Why do you think you're so special? Just send a gift and decline. Done.

so why invite someone if you don’t actually care if they’ll be there? Are they props for you photos?

Adults realize that invitations are not summons.

That’s not the question. The question is why you invite people to your wedding if you are indifferent to whether or not they come.

No it’s not. The question is “why so much anger” coming from the people who have kids that weren’t included. Decline and move on, no need to stomp your feet and get mad over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious how it’s communicated on the invite. Do people actually write “child free”?!

DH’s cousin’s invitation had a picture of the couple, black background, and you are invited to an adults only event in white large italic script on it. It looked like some type of porn or sex thing. Seriously, when I saw it I was like eww what on earth is this. It was hilarious.

We didn’t go because we weren’t flying across the country and using a babysitter we didn’t know. We declined the invite and sent a gift. We had gone to the other cousins weddings because kids were welcome and it was like an extended family reunion. Both the bride and DH’s aunt were pissed for years we didn’t go. Honestly I could care less what they think and DH is oblivious.

If an adults only wedding is what you want go for it, just don’t get your knickers in a knot if people with kids decline. This goes for siblings too. If you want your siblings to there and they have kids, don’t exclude them nieces and nephews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious how it’s communicated on the invite. Do people actually write “child free”?!

The way I’ve seen it, the invite is addressed only to the couple rather than to the family and the wedding website says something about it.

Agree. It says “John and Sarah Smith” instead of “the smith family”. And the website says something sort of passive aggressive like “we want you to be able to fully enjoy our big day , and for this reason, we can provide a list of local babysitters to watch your children as this is an adults only event. Treat yourself to an evening out!” Or, “we love your kids! But unfortunately, our venue is more appropriate for adults only. We thank you for your understanding in leaving the little ones behind this time!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a wedding is a lifestyle event, as they have become, then it makes perfect sense that kids would not be invited.

That's SO self absorbed. It screams "main character syndrome".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Your husband didn’t go alone? When it’s a sibling and your only sibling and your child is 2 and the other parent can manage for a few days solo, not going is pretty aggressive. Did you encourage him to go? Did his sister go to your wedding?

[Anonymous]

Family kids should almost always be invited. Kids of friends or neighbors or coworkers, are almost never invited.
My kids have been invited to every family wedding on either side, but never been invited to a wedding of one of our friends. That, to me, seems pretty standard. A wedding is both a fancy party (usually) and a family milestone / celebration. So the guests are kind of in 2 groups- family (including children) and friends (adults only).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think an adult only wedding is most common. The only gripe I have as many people is when they say no kids, BUT they let one family member bring theirs. That is tacky IMO

Unless those kids are "in the wedding party" or "all nieces and nephews are invited" yes it's annoying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no problem with "no kids" as long as the bride is gracious and it's not a dysfunctional family where the people who decline will be shamed/blamed/guilt tripped for declining.

I did find of my friends/co-workers and family who turned into bridezillas-having majorly unrealistic expectations of those they invite (or have in bridal party) and who were not gracious are all now either divorced or miserable in their marriages. So, often it's just a sign of someone who just has poor coping skills in general and not personal.

And I know plenty of brides who had "no kids" weddings and are still happily married. Wanting to not have kids and have an adult wedding is not a bad thing. It's not "Bridezilla" itself.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I had an evening wedding, adults only. Way before instagram. I was paying, so didn't want rando kids. We provided babysitting. It wasn't a problem for anyone as far as I know. My sister got mad because "her kids love weddings and they are well behaved". It was really her DH who wanted them there because he can't converse with adults and uses the kids as a crutch. He ended up in the bar watching the ballgame the whole reception anyway.

Nieces and nephews are different. If any of our sisters didn't invite our kids, I likely would not show up and it would start a war in our families. It's such a show of disrespect. We only have one sister each though. I think people expect nieces and nephews to be invited even when no other kids are.

If it's an adult wedding then no one should be mad if ALL the kids aren't invited. My niece invited my sibling's kids, and not mine. That is a big faux pas.

You know, the funny thing is that OP started this thread to criticize people with kids, but the most egregious examples of horrific behavior have been from brides.

I agree. Like any event the host doesn't get to abuse their guests even at their own wedding. I've seen brides that try to put the divorced parents together, instead of sitting with their new spouses, lol and such nonsense.

That is miserable and recipe for disaster to occur during the event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Totally her choice. You also had choice to send your husband alone to the wedding.

if she shamed you or commented that he and/or you didn't attend, then she has the issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious how it’s communicated on the invite. Do people actually write “child free”?!

You could address the invite to just those who are invited, which is the proper/traditional way.
You can add "there are 2 seats reserved in your honor" along with that.
You can add "This is an 18+/21+ event"
etc.
Generally it's rude to specify who ISN'T invited, ie "no kids allowed" or something. I'm sure some people do though.

Most do the "no kids allowed" because most cannot read the invitation otherwise and would ask "are my kids invited since not listed on the invite"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A wedding is and should be whatever the two people getting married want it to be. That said, they must be gracious if people decline to attend for any reason, including child care.

But no, "two families" are not getting married; two individuals are. So it's whatever they want. If you don't like it, decline. No one owes you a family reunion. If you want a family reunion, plan, pay for and host one. The end.

This. The anger is on both sides. If someone declines because travel with kids and then unknown babysitter in a new place is undesirable, the the bride/groomzillas need to accept that.

Frankly if I were having a distance wedding with travelers with young kids I’d 1) have a reception open to kids (maybe not ceremony); and 2) I’d either provide babysitting or make a list for guests.

bride/groomzillas?
As has been pointed out, THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU DECLINE. Why do you think you're so special? Just send a gift and decline. Done.

so why invite someone if you don’t actually care if they’ll be there? Are they props for you photos?

Adults realize that invitations are not summons.

That’s not the question. The question is why you invite people to your wedding if you are indifferent to whether or not they come.

No it’s not. The question is “why so much anger” coming from the people who have kids that weren’t included. Decline and move on, no need to stomp your feet and get mad over it.

+1

Most don't invite people they "dont want to attend". But normal people understand an invite is not a summons/requiremetn for others to attend. They get to say Yes or No and you move on politely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a wedding is a lifestyle event, as they have become, then it makes perfect sense that kids would not be invited.

That's SO self absorbed. It screams "main character syndrome".

OMG--the wedding is literally a day for the bride and groom!!!! If you can't see that, do not attend. Life isn't always about you and your kids