Reply to Svelte teen girls -- being the ugly duckling in a school of swans

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[quote=Anonymous]How about you wait to talk about the weight until either she brings it up or the doctor brings it up? I think the key here is not that you want her to be THIN, but that you want her to be HEALTHY. If her doctor says that she's just fine where she is, then wonderful- focus on movement on ways that she might find fun and fulfilling (bike rides as a family on the weekends? jumping on the trampoline with little cousins?). You can emphasize the many benefits movement has for focus, stress, and overall mental health, rather than on her weight.

For me, it would have been humiliating to be the worst player on the team, especially if I felt like I didn't fit in to begin with. If she's shy about doing sports in front of girls at her school, could you go with her to a workout class that will only be people she doesn't care about watching her? I was shy about how unathletic I was as a teenager, but was fine about going to a yoga class filled with old ladies. Or a gym membership where she knows no one. Also, if this is the school I think it is, she can set up an appointment with the (wonderful and super non-judgemental) athletic trainer who can help her figure out her goals. That can happen one-on-one. And the school gym is open on weekdays during the summer, when it's almost always completely empty except for the trainers.  And then the after-school activities she chooses to connect with other people at school can be non-athletic ones. Also if this is the school I think it is, I worked there for several years and I gained 10 lbs in my first 3 months from eating the dining hall food (They load everything up with butter, including things that you wouldn't expect to even involve butter). So you could have her consider packing a lunch.

Personally, my instinct is that adding "and by the way, sweetheart, you're looking a little round lately" to this child's already (it sounds like) VERY full emotional plate in her first year at this very academic school would be way too much. If your daughter has brought up that SHE feels self-conscious about her weight, then okay. But if you're just noticing that she seems like she feels out of place, and are projecting that it's because of her weight, I'd really let it go for her first few years there. It isn't like she'll be in much of a headspace to do much about it when she's already worried about making new friends and adjusting to academics. Save this for another year if you can.

If her doctor is concerned, you can have a sit-down with him and your daughter. What, specifically, is he worried about? Cholesterol? Other blood work? Her body fat percentage? Her blood pressure? If not addressed, what could the consequences for her health down the road be? What about her lifestyle does the doctor suggest she change? How does she do that in a safe way that prioritizes health and feeling good rather than weight? How does she set a goal that's healthy? Again, the focus becomes on "I need to get my cholesterol down to _______ so I'm not at risk of an early heart attack" rather than "I need to lose weight to become this nebulous category, 'thin,' which I may or may not ever be able to achieve based on how I'm built. I second the idea that blood tests, especially for hormonal stuff and thyroid function, would be a good move at her next exam. Conditions like PCOS can cause weight loss that really IS resistant to dieting and exercise, and it would really stink to have her work so hard to change something that's out of her control.[/quote]

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