I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

OP, come back and update us! Has anything happened since you posted?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If ILs think OP is “mad” at them because she told them to help themselves to making coffee when she doesn’t even drink coffee, then they can be left to feel that way with no reassurance or clarification. If ILs think OP is “mad” at them because she didn’t sit longer after the kids were in bed to entertain them when their own son wasn’t entertaining them, then they can be left to feel that way with no reassurance or clarification.

You sound like a child. Adults can discuss things rationally and openly.

Right. So when MIL contacted OP to ask if she was mad, and OP said no she wasn’t, she was just not up for hosting this time, that was a rational and open communication. Then MIL went behind OP’s back and kicked up a gossipy conversation with her son. Apparently OP’s word wasn’t good enough? Apparently MIL didn’t get the answer she thought she should have gotten, so she ignored OP’s words and went to her husband?

What do you say to that behavior?

I thought in-laws were supposed to only ask the DH about the OP. Now it's gossiping? Make up your mind.

Nice dodge! Since we don’t have a Time Machine, MIL can’t go back and contact her own son. But yes or no, was it appropriate of MIL to—once she got a rational and open response from DIL—choose not to accept that answer, and instead go digging around with son? Hmm? Yes or no. Bet you’ll dodge again.

You sound so incredibly immature. Yes it's perfectly fine to follow up with the son. Communication and relationships must be terribly confusing to you.

Nope, going to the son when you don’t get the answer you think you deserve or that you expected is not OK. Asked and answered. And apparently the follow-up conversation with the son was designed to get the wife in trouble for not being hostess with the mostess. Mission apparently accomplished.

Have we gone full circle yet? The husband is the problem.

DP here. I genuinely don't understand why you are so insistent that the in-laws did nothing wrong. I don't think what they did was terrible, but it's possible for both the in-laws and the son to have acted in a less-than-ideal manner.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If ILs think OP is “mad” at them because she told them to help themselves to making coffee when she doesn’t even drink coffee, then they can be left to feel that way with no reassurance or clarification. If ILs think OP is “mad” at them because she didn’t sit longer after the kids were in bed to entertain them when their own son wasn’t entertaining them, then they can be left to feel that way with no reassurance or clarification.

You sound like a child. Adults can discuss things rationally and openly.

Right. So when MIL contacted OP to ask if she was mad, and OP said no she wasn’t, she was just not up for hosting this time, that was a rational and open communication. Then MIL went behind OP’s back and kicked up a gossipy conversation with her son. Apparently OP’s word wasn’t good enough? Apparently MIL didn’t get the answer she thought she should have gotten, so she ignored OP’s words and went to her husband?

What do you say to that behavior?

I thought in-laws were supposed to only ask the DH about the OP. Now it's gossiping? Make up your mind.

Nice dodge! Since we don’t have a Time Machine, MIL can’t go back and contact her own son. But yes or no, was it appropriate of MIL to—once she got a rational and open response from DIL—choose not to accept that answer, and instead go digging around with son? Hmm? Yes or no. Bet you’ll dodge again.

You sound so incredibly immature. Yes it's perfectly fine to follow up with the son. Communication and relationships must be terribly confusing to you.

Nope, going to the son when you don’t get the answer you think you deserve or that you expected is not OK. Asked and answered. And apparently the follow-up conversation with the son was designed to get the wife in trouble for not being hostess with the mostess. Mission apparently accomplished.

Have we gone full circle yet? The husband is the problem.

DP here. I genuinely don't understand why you are so insistent that the in-laws did nothing wrong. I don't think what they did was terrible, but it's possible for both the in-laws and the son to have acted in a less-than-ideal manner.

People are raging about the in-laws. I haven't seen much disparaging of the husband. It's very lopsided. What kind of fool husband whines to his wife that she was mad or rude to his parents? Why didn't he just talk to them and tell them what was gong on? But for him, none of that would even get back to OP and she would have had no reason to even post about this issue. He's the shit stirring drama llama. It's obvious.

[Anonymous]

I only read a few pages but I actually think the husband learned something and will think twice before decided to host again. Stick to your guns OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If ILs think OP is “mad” at them because she told them to help themselves to making coffee when she doesn’t even drink coffee, then they can be left to feel that way with no reassurance or clarification. If ILs think OP is “mad” at them because she didn’t sit longer after the kids were in bed to entertain them when their own son wasn’t entertaining them, then they can be left to feel that way with no reassurance or clarification.

You sound like a child. Adults can discuss things rationally and openly.

Right. So when MIL contacted OP to ask if she was mad, and OP said no she wasn’t, she was just not up for hosting this time, that was a rational and open communication. Then MIL went behind OP’s back and kicked up a gossipy conversation with her son. Apparently OP’s word wasn’t good enough? Apparently MIL didn’t get the answer she thought she should have gotten, so she ignored OP’s words and went to her husband?

What do you say to that behavior?

I thought in-laws were supposed to only ask the DH about the OP. Now it's gossiping? Make up your mind.

Nice dodge! Since we don’t have a Time Machine, MIL can’t go back and contact her own son. But yes or no, was it appropriate of MIL to—once she got a rational and open response from DIL—choose not to accept that answer, and instead go digging around with son? Hmm? Yes or no. Bet you’ll dodge again.

Not PP but I don’t think this whole chain of events is very clear from OP’s post. Did MIL reach out to both OP and her husband separately but at the same time asking if OP was mad at her? Or did MIL follow up with her son after her text exchange? That part isn’t too clear. Also, OP was rude by saying she wasn’t into hosting as many of us have pointed out. It comes across as unwelcoming which wasn’t OP’s intention. She was fine with having guests but didn’t want to do the heavy lifting of hosting. There’s ways to relay that to the MIL that are more kind than the way did OP did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only read a few pages but I actually think the husband learned something and will think twice before decided to host again. Stick to your guns OP!

I wish but the way he reacted to OP asking about why she was rude to his parents…doesn’t seem to indicate this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only read a few pages but I actually think the husband learned something and will think twice before decided to host again. Stick to your guns OP!

I wish but the way he reacted to OP asking about why she was rude to his parents…doesn’t seem to indicate this.

Yeah I don’t see a lick of evidence that the husband thinks anything went wrong. Pizza and chicken. Went off without a hitch (to him).

[Anonymous]

“Didn’t feel like hosting”

This can be interpreted as rude. I could see taking it as you didn’t want to see them.

“Just been so busy with work so DH said he’d plan Easter dinner and for your visit. Great to see you!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Didn’t feel like hosting”

This can be interpreted as rude. I could see taking it as you didn’t want to see them.

“Just been so busy with work so DH said he’d plan Easter dinner and for your visit. Great to see you!”

Exactly. DH said he wanted to do more (don't call it "helping"), so I backed off. I can see how his way of doing things differs from mine, but we were both very glad too see everyone"

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP in asking your DH to do his part. I’d now have him explain to his parents that he’s taking the lead on these visits so they can manage their expectations around that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Didn’t feel like hosting”

This can be interpreted as rude. I could see taking it as you didn’t want to see them.

“Just been so busy with work so DH said he’d plan Easter dinner and for your visit. Great to see you!”

Exactly. DH said he wanted to do more (don't call it "helping"), so I backed off. I can see how his way of doing things differs from mine, but we were both very glad too see everyone"

It’s honesty. Don’t want honesty? Don’t ask questions. OP did not volunteer that information during the visit. She provided an honest answer when pressed for one. End of story.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If ILs think OP is “mad” at them because she told them to help themselves to making coffee when she doesn’t even drink coffee, then they can be left to feel that way with no reassurance or clarification. If ILs think OP is “mad” at them because she didn’t sit longer after the kids were in bed to entertain them when their own son wasn’t entertaining them, then they can be left to feel that way with no reassurance or clarification.

You sound like a child. Adults can discuss things rationally and openly.

Right. So when MIL contacted OP to ask if she was mad, and OP said no she wasn’t, she was just not up for hosting this time, that was a rational and open communication. Then MIL went behind OP’s back and kicked up a gossipy conversation with her son. Apparently OP’s word wasn’t good enough? Apparently MIL didn’t get the answer she thought she should have gotten, so she ignored OP’s words and went to her husband?

What do you say to that behavior?

I thought in-laws were supposed to only ask the DH about the OP. Now it's gossiping? Make up your mind.

Nice dodge! Since we don’t have a Time Machine, MIL can’t go back and contact her own son. But yes or no, was it appropriate of MIL to—once she got a rational and open response from DIL—choose not to accept that answer, and instead go digging around with son? Hmm? Yes or no. Bet you’ll dodge again.

You sound so incredibly immature. Yes it's perfectly fine to follow up with the son. Communication and relationships must be terribly confusing to you.

Nope, going to the son when you don’t get the answer you think you deserve or that you expected is not OK. Asked and answered. And apparently the follow-up conversation with the son was designed to get the wife in trouble for not being hostess with the mostess. Mission apparently accomplished.

Have we gone full circle yet? The husband is the problem.

DP here. I genuinely don't understand why you are so insistent that the in-laws did nothing wrong. I don't think what they did was terrible, but it's possible for both the in-laws and the son to have acted in a less-than-ideal manner.

People are raging about the in-laws. I haven't seen much disparaging of the husband. It's very lopsided. What kind of fool husband whines to his wife that she was mad or rude to his parents? Why didn't he just talk to them and tell them what was gong on? But for him, none of that would even get back to OP and she would have had no reason to even post about this issue. He's the shit stirring drama llama. It's obvious.

DH did what he said he would do: he “hosted” (poorly, but technically) and he didn’t ask or expect OP to pick up any slack. He said he would do it, and he did it. The only thing he did wrong was tell OP that his parents called him. He should have shut that down with his parents. “Sounds like Jessica was honest with you, since you asked. It’s true that she usually takes care of most of the work while you are visiting, and I assured her I would do it this time. She’s tired and didn’t feel like it, so I took care of it. She’s not mad at you. Leave it alone.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If ILs think OP is “mad” at them because she told them to help themselves to making coffee when she doesn’t even drink coffee, then they can be left to feel that way with no reassurance or clarification. If ILs think OP is “mad” at them because she didn’t sit longer after the kids were in bed to entertain them when their own son wasn’t entertaining them, then they can be left to feel that way with no reassurance or clarification.

You sound like a child. Adults can discuss things rationally and openly.

Right. So when MIL contacted OP to ask if she was mad, and OP said no she wasn’t, she was just not up for hosting this time, that was a rational and open communication. Then MIL went behind OP’s back and kicked up a gossipy conversation with her son. Apparently OP’s word wasn’t good enough? Apparently MIL didn’t get the answer she thought she should have gotten, so she ignored OP’s words and went to her husband?

What do you say to that behavior?

I thought in-laws were supposed to only ask the DH about the OP. Now it's gossiping? Make up your mind.

Nice dodge! Since we don’t have a Time Machine, MIL can’t go back and contact her own son. But yes or no, was it appropriate of MIL to—once she got a rational and open response from DIL—choose not to accept that answer, and instead go digging around with son? Hmm? Yes or no. Bet you’ll dodge again.

You sound so incredibly immature. Yes it's perfectly fine to follow up with the son. Communication and relationships must be terribly confusing to you.

Nope, going to the son when you don’t get the answer you think you deserve or that you expected is not OK. Asked and answered. And apparently the follow-up conversation with the son was designed to get the wife in trouble for not being hostess with the mostess. Mission apparently accomplished.

Have we gone full circle yet? The husband is the problem.

DP here. I genuinely don't understand why you are so insistent that the in-laws did nothing wrong. I don't think what they did was terrible, but it's possible for both the in-laws and the son to have acted in a less-than-ideal manner.

People are raging about the in-laws. I haven't seen much disparaging of the husband. It's very lopsided. What kind of fool husband whines to his wife that she was mad or rude to his parents? Why didn't he just talk to them and tell them what was gong on? But for him, none of that would even get back to OP and she would have had no reason to even post about this issue. He's the shit stirring drama llama. It's obvious.

DH did what he said he would do: he “hosted” (poorly, but technically) and he didn’t ask or expect OP to pick up any slack. He said he would do it, and he did it. The only thing he did wrong was tell OP that his parents called him. He should have shut that down with his parents. “Sounds like Jessica was honest with you, since you asked. It’s true that she usually takes care of most of the work while you are visiting, and I assured her I would do it this time. She’s tired and didn’t feel like it, so I took care of it. She’s not mad at you. Leave it alone.”

He could have shut it down. But he didn't. He was there he would know if she was being rude or not. Why is he not backing her up? That's why he's a dud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only read a few pages but I actually think the husband learned something and will think twice before decided to host again. Stick to your guns OP!

I wish but the way he reacted to OP asking about why she was rude to his parents…doesn’t seem to indicate this.

Next time he offers to host, he knows that his wife means what she says about what she will and will not do. Inlaws know what to expect from a hosting perspective going forward. OP needs to just ignore the hurt feelings while they adjust. Its a win.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

OP is showing her children that it isn’t entirely up to the woman in the house to do all of the cooking and cleaning and hosting when people come to visit. I think that’s an important lesson.

I personally don’t think the kids learned a good lesson here although I think OP and her husband can use this going forward.

The kids should be seeing their parents work as a team.

Now that OP’s husband flopped, *hopefully* he will recognize the amount of work that goes into it and do his share next time. He can handle the meals (apparently rotisserie chicken), OP will prep the bedding/sheets, in laws can handle their own coffee. That’s the healthy dynamic for the kids to see - husband and wife coming together and sharing responsibilities fairly while making guests feel welcomed into their home.

Kids, especially DDs, should see their mother set and maintain healthy boundaries. They should see there be consequences to actions and that not being a partner or respected breeds resentment.

Neither the kids nor the in laws needed to see this squabbling in action.

Just because someone doesn't respond the way you want them to doesn't mean they were squabbling. OP was civil in her actions.

Do you think the inlaws are especially stupid? They obviously picked up on something so they asked about it. Their reaction to check in is incredibly normal.

Any advice columnist ever would direct parents of adult children to go through their own child if they sensed tension and wanted to “check in.” MIL wasn’t concerned about the marriage, or about her own son’s incompetence. She was used to (as another poster put it) DIL Marriott and wanted to make it clear she wanted that in the future, not Son Motel 6.

I don’t agree that would be the advice at all. You are inventing this to try to make your point that inlaws should never directly address a DIL which is a little WTF. This is a DIL they seemingly have had a good relationship with in the past.

Anything negative or concerning from a parent to an adult child or their partner goes from the parent to the adult child. This is common advice and you would do well to remember it if you have children at any stage of life. Anything that is a concern, a criticism, a question, logistics, anything “major.”

Sorry, I reject your advice. ILs can have independent relationships with sons and daughter in-laws. You don't make the rules here. My parents talk to my husband independent of me all the time. I talk to my in-laws less often but they certainly ask how I'm doing, or what's going on in my life, they don't just talk to my husband about me. I prefer my way to yours.

Not a single poster has said ILs can't have relationships with their child's spouse or separate commincations.