Both my husband and I have no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it so off putting when lonely people who randomly live near you think you’re supposed to be friends. It’s so presumptuous and creepy. There was a rich charismatic guy on a podcast today — Bill Simmons — and he said he wants absolutely nothing to do with his neighbors. I think most people feel that way. A wave of we drive by each other and that’s it.

This makes me sad. Being casual friends with your neighbors can bring some joy to life and make everyday living fun. First off, it’s easy and convenient. You can casually get together or grab drinks without having to drive somewhere. It’s fun for children and it’s good to build a sense of community.

Keeping your family isolated is teaching your kids that community doesn’t matter and you don’t care about other people. You don’t realize you’re teaching them this, but you are.

I have some neighbors who come and go and have not made a single friend in the neighborhood and I think it’s bizarre they will spend 15-20 years of their life here and one day drive away without having made a single connection.

A lifestyle where you work on your computer on Teams and only hang with your spouse and kids is self-limiting and not much fun.

Agreed. It strikes me as sad. Geographic community isn't the only kind, but it does matter.

Most of the time I wish I made more money and lived in a bigger house with a bigger yard, but sometimes I read stuff like this and think "ugh, rich people culture sucks, glad to miss out on that."

I live in a wealthy neighborhood and observe very little socializing. I rarely come across someone having a party, people over or really any social activity.

The people kiddy corner from me have kids the same age who play with mine in my yard and even in my house. They never said a word to me. I went over there intending to talk to the mom and she refused to make eye contact, hustled inside and sent her husband out! He was awkward but cordial.
How can i be good enough to host your kids but not good enough to talk to you? Obviously they don't think we're that bad or they wouldn't let their kids come here.
I don't understand how people with such poor social skills make decent money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally sympathize with this OP and feel very similarly.
My husband has one friend from college who he sees rarely. I have four friends, one from middle school who lives far away, and three who I made when my eldest was in preschool. None of these people would consider me a best friend as they have close-knit longstanding groups that I am not part of. I have not succeeded in making any friends at my kids elementary.
I hosted many playdates including group playdates, a moms night, volunteered for two chair positions that no one wanted, show up at literally every event, and nothing. Everyone is polite but not interested in getting closer. So I have lots of friendly acquaintances but that's it.
My mom says I might come across as a snob. I don't know how that could be possible when I am inviting people and engaging them. She said I don't smile enough.
It is very obvious to me that people are interested in making couple/family friends. The women who get welcomed into social groups have super social husbands. Mine is not willing to bro it up with other dads no matter how nice they are. I constantly hear "they are the best family ever! She doesn't talk very much and the kids can be wild but HE is soooo fun" like it's all about the man.

My experience has been that any social outing or event must include kids and/or husband. I rarely meet a woman who does anything on her own. I do wonder what happens once the kids age out of playdates and want to control their own social lives.

Totally agree. The reason I befriended one lady years ago was basically because we both have lame homebody husbands and we like to go do stuff. My husband will see on the watch that we took a full on, out of state day trip with our kids while he was at work and he's like "cool!" But so so many women won't do anything without their husbands and we are only in our 30s!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it so off putting when lonely people who randomly live near you think you’re supposed to be friends. It’s so presumptuous and creepy. There was a rich charismatic guy on a podcast today — Bill Simmons — and he said he wants absolutely nothing to do with his neighbors. I think most people feel that way. A wave of we drive by each other and that’s it.

This makes me sad. Being casual friends with your neighbors can bring some joy to life and make everyday living fun. First off, it’s easy and convenient. You can casually get together or grab drinks without having to drive somewhere. It’s fun for children and it’s good to build a sense of community.

Keeping your family isolated is teaching your kids that community doesn’t matter and you don’t care about other people. You don’t realize you’re teaching them this, but you are.

I have some neighbors who come and go and have not made a single friend in the neighborhood and I think it’s bizarre they will spend 15-20 years of their life here and one day drive away without having made a single connection.

A lifestyle where you work on your computer on Teams and only hang with your spouse and kids is self-limiting and not much fun.

Agreed. It strikes me as sad. Geographic community isn't the only kind, but it does matter.

Most of the time I wish I made more money and lived in a bigger house with a bigger yard, but sometimes I read stuff like this and think "ugh, rich people culture sucks, glad to miss out on that."

I live in a wealthy neighborhood and observe very little socializing. I rarely come across someone having a party, people over or really any social activity.

The people kiddy corner from me have kids the same age who play with mine in my yard and even in my house. They never said a word to me. I went over there intending to talk to the mom and she refused to make eye contact, hustled inside and sent her husband out! He was awkward but cordial.
How can i be good enough to host your kids but not good enough to talk to you? Obviously they don't think we're that bad or they wouldn't let their kids come here.
I don't understand how people with such poor social skills make decent money.

I experience stuff like this too and it’s pathetic. I truly don’t understand. Perhaps they are all medicated and suffering from a mental illness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We started out with few friends (three of them homeless/unhoused) and have ended up with even fewer, although two of the homeless remain. The problem is to do with DH who a few years back started an apparel business that he said was going to blow up bigly but it has not. The idea was to "flip the script on a traditional clothing staple in a new and innovative way that surprises and delights customers." That language comes from his business plan. But even though he had three thousand of these things made, he was unable to sell more than a dozen or so. Part of it is that he is anti online merchandising and refused to have any kind of website or online presents. The product had to be sold in person "direct" and promoted only by word of mouth, "friends telling friends."
We lost all our savings and because that meant we had to start stealing from people while housesitting, many friends declared us personas non grata. While one couple was on vacation, DH tried to sell their home (for cash) to two young men who were in a truck collecting household items for the Lupus Society. They called the police and we had some explaining to do. lol. As he says a friend with a bush is worth two in the hand.

You know what you need, PP? You need a manager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it so off putting when lonely people who randomly live near you think you’re supposed to be friends. It’s so presumptuous and creepy. There was a rich charismatic guy on a podcast today — Bill Simmons — and he said he wants absolutely nothing to do with his neighbors. I think most people feel that way. A wave of we drive by each other and that’s it.

And you think that's normal. The dissolution of society right here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happened to the mom friends you made when the kids were little? Did u all just stop initiating stuff once the kids went to school? I have a 10yo but was in a moms group from when DD was 8 mos. The core group of moms I made then I am still friends with. We don’t see each other a lot but we do dinner without kids once a month, and get together with our kids now and again on the odd weekend of over the summer. We will do an Easter Egg hunt in April because we always have and our kids still like it. I do think I initiate a lot. If I didn’t I probably wouldn’t have as many friends.

You go to dinner once a month with these mom friends? What about your other friends… like from college or ones from current activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it so off putting when lonely people who randomly live near you think you’re supposed to be friends. It’s so presumptuous and creepy. There was a rich charismatic guy on a podcast today — Bill Simmons — and he said he wants absolutely nothing to do with his neighbors. I think most people feel that way. A wave of we drive by each other and that’s it.

And you think that's normal. The dissolution of society right here.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

I would have been depressed in this country if I did not know so many people from my own culture, and if I was not friends with immigrants from other countries. The WASP culture is bad for one's mental health. IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it so off putting when lonely people who randomly live near you think you’re supposed to be friends. It’s so presumptuous and creepy. There was a rich charismatic guy on a podcast today — Bill Simmons — and he said he wants absolutely nothing to do with his neighbors. I think most people feel that way. A wave if we drive by each other and that’s it.

And you think that's normal. The dissolution of society right here.

Sweetie, we were buying a house, a work commute, and a school district — not new middle aged friends. Sorry you’re so lonely and hard up friends at such an advanced age, but you are not entitled to our friendship because we bought a house near you. With iPhones, social media, uber and air travel, people remain super connected to old friends. It’s not 1970. Nobody starts over and needs to make all new friends because they moved. And job hopping is so common now, people don’t want to waste time on temporary friends.

Respectfully, you people obsessed with your neighbors just need to take a hint and back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have been depressed in this country if I did not know so many people from my own culture, and if I was not friends with immigrants from other countries. The WASP culture is bad for one's mental health. IMHO.

Wow, that's pretty racist AND wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it so off putting when lonely people who randomly live near you think you’re supposed to be friends. It’s so presumptuous and creepy. There was a rich charismatic guy on a podcast today — Bill Simmons — and he said he wants absolutely nothing to do with his neighbors. I think most people feel that way. A wave of we drive by each other and that’s it.

This makes me sad. Being casual friends with your neighbors can bring some joy to life and make everyday living fun. First off, it’s easy and convenient. You can casually get together or grab drinks without having to drive somewhere. It’s fun for children and it’s good to build a sense of community.

Keeping your family isolated is teaching your kids that community doesn’t matter and you don’t care about other people. You don’t realize you’re teaching them this, but you are.

I have some neighbors who come and go and have not made a single friend in the neighborhood and I think it’s bizarre they will spend 15-20 years of their life here and one day drive away without having made a single connection.

A lifestyle where you work on your computer on Teams and only hang with your spouse and kids is self-limiting and not much fun.

Agreed. It strikes me as sad. Geographic community isn't the only kind, but it does matter.

Most of the time I wish I made more money and lived in a bigger house with a bigger yard, but sometimes I read stuff like this and think "ugh, rich people culture sucks, glad to miss out on that."

I live in a wealthy neighborhood and observe very little socializing. I rarely come across someone having a party, people over or really any social activity.

The people kiddy corner from me have kids the same age who play with mine in my yard and even in my house. They never said a word to me. I went over there intending to talk to the mom and she refused to make eye contact, hustled inside and sent her husband out! He was awkward but cordial.
How can i be good enough to host your kids but not good enough to talk to you? Obviously they don't think we're that bad or they wouldn't let their kids come here.
I don't understand how people with such poor social skills make decent money.

I experience stuff like this too and it’s pathetic. I truly don’t understand. Perhaps they are all medicated and suffering from a mental illness?

I live in NW in a wealthy neighborhood. I am selectively friends with many of my neighbors. My kids play with all of the kids. Some of the kids parents, I’m not friends with. Some, I am.

Who I choose has nothing to do with “good enough.” They’re all people I like. I don’t have a lot of free time. I don’t spend free time with people I don’t like or find draining. Some of draining people are good people, but spending time with them is not enjoyable.

Is friendship that difficult to grasp?

I do find it annoying when some neighbors think they have a right to be friends. If nothing else, it’s a bit selfish to demand someone meet theirs needs and may explain why they have trouble making friends: because they’re demanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it so off putting when lonely people who randomly live near you think you’re supposed to be friends. It’s so presumptuous and creepy. There was a rich charismatic guy on a podcast today — Bill Simmons — and he said he wants absolutely nothing to do with his neighbors. I think most people feel that way. A wave if we drive by each other and that’s it.

And you think that's normal. The dissolution of society right here.

Sweetie, we were buying a house, a work commute, and a school district — not new middle aged friends. Sorry you’re so lonely and hard up friends at such an advanced age, but you are not entitled to our friendship because we bought a house near you. With iPhones, social media, uber and air travel, people remain super connected to old friends. It’s not 1970. Nobody starts over and needs to make all new friends because they moved. And job hopping is so common now, people don’t want to waste time on temporary friends.

Respectfully, you people obsessed with your neighbors just need to take a hint and back off.

I do think a lot of people like PP are spending a significant amount of time in front of screens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it so off putting when lonely people who randomly live near you think you’re supposed to be friends. It’s so presumptuous and creepy. There was a rich charismatic guy on a podcast today — Bill Simmons — and he said he wants absolutely nothing to do with his neighbors. I think most people feel that way. A wave if we drive by each other and that’s it.

And you think that's normal. The dissolution of society right here.

Sweetie, we were buying a house, a work commute, and a school district — not new middle aged friends. Sorry you’re so lonely and hard up friends at such an advanced age, but you are not entitled to our friendship because we bought a house near you. With iPhones, social media, uber and air travel, people remain super connected to old friends. It’s not 1970. Nobody starts over and needs to make all new friends because they moved. And job hopping is so common now, people don’t want to waste time on temporary friends.

Respectfully, you people obsessed with your neighbors just need to take a hint and back off.

There’s some space between being “obsessed” and on the rare occasion socializing and getting to know your neighbors.

I think virtual friendships like you describe provide a false sense of connection. I also keep in touch with old friends through messaging and social media, but having actual real life connections in my community is rewarding.

I don’t need to be BFF with neighbors but living in complete isolation and not forming any connections isn’t healthy either.

Also your usage of “sweetie” is condescending and low class.

[Anonymous]

I was married to someone who had friends when I met him. He let all those friendships go except for one who lives in a different state. That friend got so tired of trying to reach out to my ex that he told both of us he was only going to reach out to me since I'm the only one who kept the lines of communication open.

It was exhausting being married to someone like this. I'm very social and I still have lots of friends but couples socializing was not a thing in our life. I'm still friends with moms I met in the preschool through high school years but when it came to socializing with them as couples it never panned out because my ex was a bump on a log.

When he left the marriage he literally took zero friends with him. There was no one. I wish I had been honest years earlier about the many things that were not working in our marriage. Socializing was a big one. He went out with me and my friends but was incapable of cultivating relationships beyond that.

He did, however, cultivate a relationship with a client's support staffer so I guess he's not totally incapable of making new friends?

As to OP - coming from a different country is hard. My parents did it. They found a community of people from their home country who were the core of their social group. But they put in time and effort. They hosted lots of dinner parties and went to a lot of dinner parties. Their circle was pretty extensive but I think it took a lot of work in the beginning. My mom is in her 80s now and is still friends with women she met through our schools. She did parents association stuff and just got involved. Those friendships didn't translate into couples friends but they were and still really important to her.

Bottom line: relationships take work. You have to put yourself out there. Don't shy away the first time someone from your home country is a bit snotty or aloof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally sympathize with this OP and feel very similarly.
My husband has one friend from college who he sees rarely. I have four friends, one from middle school who lives far away, and three who I made when my eldest was in preschool. None of these people would consider me a best friend as they have close-knit longstanding groups that I am not part of. I have not succeeded in making any friends at my kids elementary.
I hosted many playdates including group playdates, a moms night, volunteered for two chair positions that no one wanted, show up at literally every event, and nothing. Everyone is polite but not interested in getting closer. So I have lots of friendly acquaintances but that's it.
My mom says I might come across as a snob. I don't know how that could be possible when I am inviting people and engaging them. She said I don't smile enough.
It is very obvious to me that people are interested in making couple/family friends. The women who get welcomed into social groups have super social husbands. Mine is not willing to bro it up with other dads no matter how nice they are. I constantly hear "they are the best family ever! She doesn't talk very much and the kids can be wild but HE is soooo fun" like it's all about the man.

My experience has been that any social outing or event must include kids and/or husband. I rarely meet a woman who does anything on her own. I do wonder what happens once the kids age out of playdates and want to control their own social lives.

Do these women work? I ask because my friends and I definitely do things without the kids and/or husbands quite regularly. We also travel with our girl friends. We all work. Not sure if that has anything to do with it or not but (1) we have our own money and (2) we are good at scheduling and getting things done. Or maybe we're just selfish and that's why we do it.