Bar Mitzvah Gift Amount at Wealthy Private Schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spin off question - save the date for a bat mitzvah in October for entire grade was sent out in the spring for a girl my son has yet to meet. Outdoor tent pizza event. $36 okay? Do kids give hard cash in a card?

Never give cash as a gift. You write a check. $36 is low, but the people on here from Ohio will say it's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spin off question - save the date for a bat mitzvah in October for entire grade was sent out in the spring for a girl my son has yet to meet. Outdoor tent pizza event. $36 okay? Do kids give hard cash in a card?

Never give cash as a gift. You write a check. $36 is low, but the people on here from Ohio will say it's fine.

Gift card to Amazon or a favorite type of store (like REI for a camper kid) is fine too. I have posted before my sons most remembered and appreciated gift was a specialty backpacking tent from an uncle. I am not even sure I would attend the event you are describing unless they become friends honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

You sound greedy and ridiculous

You think I'm greedy because I give every kid at least $108? Not sure I follow your logic.

Give it up NYC nobody agrees with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt $54 even covers the cost of the guest giving the cash gift. That's a net loss. I'd guess an average one it costs maybe $125 per guest? I don't know, the last one I attended cost $250,000.

Your gift does not have to cover the host’s cost of having you as a guest. They aren’t inviting you to help pay for the event, at least I hope not. Such a gross attitude. I invited all my child’s classmates because I wanted to be inclusive and because it’s nice to have a lot of people to celebrate with. Not because I wanted them to cover my costs of throwing a bar mitzvah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

NY/NJ is a totally different ballgame. Rules are y there. Same for weddings where $100 is absolutely not ok to give. Here, people are cheap, and it’s fine. Op if you are in DC $54 or even $36 is fine.

Yes, NY is a whole 'nother scene. I got absolute hell from a family member for a $100 wedding gift once. I had no idea...

[Anonymous]

$36 classmate
$54 friend

My kid went to about 20 of these in 2019 between classmates, neighbors and sports team friends.
I did not have more than $1000 in my yearly budget for these gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yea, $50 is perfect unless you're not comfortable with that much - then give less! I promise the kid is going to get *plenty* of money from family so no one will care. Hope your child has fun!

Oh I forgot to say that it would be an absolutely lovely gesture to give in a multiple of 18 as the number symbolises "chai" which is Hebrew for "life." So $36 or $54 would be perfect. As a Jewish parent, it would mean a lot if a non Jewish family showed knowledge of that tradition!

That’s what we (gentiles) always did - gave in multiples of $18 - the closer the friend the larger the amount but never more than x6 for a classmate/child-level friend (ie not family friends). Totally appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I doubt $54 even covers the cost of the guest giving the cash gift. That's a net loss. I'd guess an average one it costs maybe $125 per guest? I don't know, the last one I attended cost $250,000.

Your gift does not have to cover the host’s cost of having you as a guest. They aren’t inviting you to help pay for the event, at least I hope not. Such a gross attitude. I invited all my child’s classmates because I wanted to be inclusive and because it’s nice to have a lot of people to celebrate with. Not because I wanted them to cover my costs of throwing a bar mitzvah.

Agree 100%!

Top Poster’s attitude is terribly distasteful and just not okay. Same kind of people (NOKD) who think a wedding gift should be more expensive than the cost for a wedding guest(s). Nobody, NOBODY, from a respectable background would ever even think this, much less actually say it. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

Sad that you remember who gave what all these years later.

Lol, I hadn't remembered but my kids recently got bat mitzvah'd so it came up in talking with my parents. My sister reminded us that my parents had a huge spreadsheet of everyone invited, whether they were attending, how many in their party, what gift they gave, if we sent out a thank you card. My mother keeps score - she's the one who knew exactly who gave the least and the bracelet. She also made me invite about 20 rich relatives I'd never heard of saying "Don't worry - they won't come, but they'll send a big check." I vowed not to do that with my kids. But I do appreciate getting through college without needing to take out loans.

Please don’t tell this again. You are playing directly into the WORST kind of stereotypes. Seriously. It’s making me sick to my stomach. It’s also a betrayal of your mom. I doubt she told people outside of her family/friends that she did/thought this way. It’s just an awful thing to throw out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

Sad that you remember who gave what all these years later.

This.

[Anonymous]

Multiples of 18 are a good idea . My daughter invited her private school class a couple years back and it was normal for her to receive gift cards anywhere from $15-$50 (thru weren’t aware of the $18)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spin off question - save the date for a bat mitzvah in October for entire grade was sent out in the spring for a girl my son has yet to meet. Outdoor tent pizza event. $36 okay? Do kids give hard cash in a card?

Do a gift card not cash ..Amazon or Visa card or other store teen likes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

Troll? This is ridiculous. Did you not read the original post? The fact that you remember that ONE friend gave you $72 while everyone else gave you more says everything.

OP, great if you give in increments of 18 - families always appreciate. And if you think your DC is going to attend a lot of these this year, then I think $18 is fine. TBH, the presence is the present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spin off question - save the date for a bat mitzvah in October for entire grade was sent out in the spring for a girl my son has yet to meet. Outdoor tent pizza event. $36 okay? Do kids give hard cash in a card?

Do a gift card not cash ..Amazon or Visa card or other store teen likes

Kids give a check in a card. There will be a table, a box, someone who will be there to collect before start of party - or service if it is both. That said, many folks send them in a card in advance so no worries about errant cards night of event, etc.

FWIW, I don't think one single person gave a gift card to either of my DCs. Would be fine if they had done so, but if you are here for guidance, then do check/hand written card, not gift card.

[Anonymous]

As a Jewish family, some of these comments make me want to vomit. As someone else said, you are playing into the worst stereotypes and it’s gross. OP, the advice here is great. As in any situation you should give only what you are comfortable with. I teach my child to be grateful for any gift she receives. It’s certainly not a mitzvah for the host to judge what their guests are giving a child.