Bar Mitzvah Gift Amount at Wealthy Private Schools

[Anonymous]

We gave $56 to classmates. A couple of those we also gave a personal gift because we knew their interests well. For family friends we gave more like $108 to $216, depending.

[Anonymous]

All - you can actually give presents!!! You do not have to give money!!!

[Anonymous]

OP - it’s good that you’ve raised the question as for many it is confusing how to gift at milestone celebrations in faith communities other than your own. One important option I haven’t seen referenced here is that virtually all bar/bat mitzvah students choose a community service project. It is always appropriate to make a donation in line with the project. It could be to the specific cause the child is involved with or something similar that shared the demonstrated values. No child or family with think anything but well of a classmate or classmate’s family that opts to make a donation in the bar/bat mitzvah child’s honor instead of (or in addition to) a simple gift.

Only close family members give sizable cash gifts.
.

[Anonymous]

Give a multiple of 18. The amount doesn’t matter too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt $54 even covers the cost of the guest giving the cash gift. That's a net loss. I'd guess an average one it costs maybe $125 per guest? I don't know, the last one I attended cost $250,000.

Why would anyone expect a guest to write a check to cover the cost of attendance? How would you know how much someone else spent on a Bat Mitzvah?

[Anonymous]

My kids (the younger had his bar mitzvah in Feb 2020) got a range of gifts from friends including many $25 gift cards, but I’d say $36 check was the “norm”. They did not care (or remember) who gave how much, nor did we. I was happy they all just gave up much of a Saturday to spend the day supporting and celebrating with my kids! They were at Pyle MS which isn’t a private but has many wealthy families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt $54 even covers the cost of the guest giving the cash gift. That's a net loss. I'd guess an average one it costs maybe $125 per guest? I don't know, the last one I attended cost $250,000.

A gift is a gift. It’s not an admission fee.

[Anonymous]

$18 or $36. The amount really doesn’t matter at all. A book also good.

[Anonymous]

oh dear. we gave cash. it was a couple of hundred bucks in a multiple of 18. didn't know not to. sigh.

[Anonymous]

A card is the most meaningful. If you feel you need to give, a card + a donation to a charity. My first child was touched by several of the cards her classmates wrote... especially beautiful was one that talked about how she hadn't known any Jewish families before ours and always found it fascinating to learn about Judaism from my daughter. That was a standout, clearly, but they were all super sweet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - it’s good that you’ve raised the question as for many it is confusing how to gift at milestone celebrations in faith communities other than your own. One important option I haven’t seen referenced here is that virtually all bar/bat mitzvah students choose a community service project. It is always appropriate to make a donation in line with the project. It could be to the specific cause the child is involved with or something similar that shared the demonstrated values. No child or family with think anything but well of a classmate or classmate’s family that opts to make a donation in the bar/bat mitzvah child’s honor instead of (or in addition to) a simple gift.

Only close family members give sizable cash gifts.
.

Yes, this exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh dear. we gave cash. it was a couple of hundred bucks in a multiple of 18. didn't know not to. sigh.

These « rules » people are saying are bunk. A gift is something you want to give someone. Any decent person will be grateful for your gift, regardless of what it was.
I was happy that most of the people who said they were coming actually showed up for my kids.
That’s what mattered.

[Anonymous]

Two questions: do you bring the gift to the service in the morning or the party in the evening? And, do you write the check out to the kid? Is it safe to assume that the kid has some sort of bank account or check cashing ability?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A card is the most meaningful. If you feel you need to give, a card + a donation to a charity. My first child was touched by several of the cards her classmates wrote... especially beautiful was one that talked about how she hadn't known any Jewish families before ours and always found it fascinating to learn about Judaism from my daughter. That was a standout, clearly, but they were all super sweet.

A donation to charity is not a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two questions: do you bring the gift to the service in the morning or the party in the evening? And, do you write the check out to the kid? Is it safe to assume that the kid has some sort of bank account or check cashing ability?

Always bring the gift to the party NOT the service. Money is not supposed to be exchanged on the Sabbath. I always write out the check to the child. I'm sure they have a bank account.

OP, $25, $36, $50, $54 are all fine gifts. The Bar Mitzvah kids will just be happy they are able to celebrate with everyone, especially after this year! My son liked gift cards, because I said he could keep all gift cards he got, while most of the checks/cash went into his bank account for the future (he got to spend a small % of his checks).