Bar Mitzvah Gift Amount at Wealthy Private Schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

It's an invitation, not an invoice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

Sad that you remember who gave what all these years later.

+1

And the amount you give shouldn't be determined by the wealth of the other family, but by your own family's budget and relationship to the kid/family. You shouldn't give more than you can afford just because someone else is wealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

Sad that you remember who gave what all these years later.

Lol, I hadn't remembered but my kids recently got bat mitzvah'd so it came up in talking with my parents. My sister reminded us that my parents had a huge spreadsheet of everyone invited, whether they were attending, how many in their party, what gift they gave, if we sent out a thank you card. My mother keeps score - she's the one who knew exactly who gave the least and the bracelet. She also made me invite about 20 rich relatives I'd never heard of saying "Don't worry - they won't come, but they'll send a big check." I vowed not to do that with my kids. But I do appreciate getting through college without needing to take out loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

Sad that you remember who gave what all these years later.

Lol, I hadn't remembered but my kids recently got bat mitzvah'd so it came up in talking with my parents. My sister reminded us that my parents had a huge spreadsheet of everyone invited, whether they were attending, how many in their party, what gift they gave, if we sent out a thank you card. My mother keeps score - she's the one who knew exactly who gave the least and the bracelet. She also made me invite about 20 rich relatives I'd never heard of saying "Don't worry - they won't come, but they'll send a big check." I vowed not to do that with my kids. But I do appreciate getting through college without needing to take out loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

Sad that you remember who gave what all these years later.

Lol, I hadn't remembered but my kids recently got bat mitzvah'd so it came up in talking with my parents. My sister reminded us that my parents had a huge spreadsheet of everyone invited, whether they were attending, how many in their party, what gift they gave, if we sent out a thank you card. My mother keeps score - she's the one who knew exactly who gave the least and the bracelet. She also made me invite about 20 rich relatives I'd never heard of saying "Don't worry - they won't come, but they'll send a big check." I vowed not to do that with my kids. But I do appreciate getting through college without needing to take out loans.

Yep, my mom is special like that. When I was 12 and babysitting every single Saturday night for one family and they didn't give me anything for Hanukah (they were jewish too) when my mother found out she promptly said, "We'll invite them to your bat mitzvah - they'll HAVE to give you a gift for that." She did the same thing for my high school graduation party - I wanted to invite about 40 friends, figuring around 20-25 would come. She invited like 60 extra people, to get me more gifts. I knew she'd try to do the same thing for my wedding, so to bypass that, DH and I paid for it ourselves so we were in control of who was invited. She gave me a list of people to send baby announcements to, too, for the same reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

Sad that you remember who gave what all these years later.

Lol, I hadn't remembered but my kids recently got bat mitzvah'd so it came up in talking with my parents. My sister reminded us that my parents had a huge spreadsheet of everyone invited, whether they were attending, how many in their party, what gift they gave, if we sent out a thank you card. My mother keeps score - she's the one who knew exactly who gave the least and the bracelet. She also made me invite about 20 rich relatives I'd never heard of saying "Don't worry - they won't come, but they'll send a big check." I vowed not to do that with my kids. But I do appreciate getting through college without needing to take out loans.

Yep, my mom is special like that. When I was 12 and babysitting every single Saturday night for one family and they didn't give me anything for Hanukah (they were jewish too) when my mother found out she promptly said, "We'll invite them to your bat mitzvah - they'll HAVE to give you a gift for that." She did the same thing for my high school graduation party - I wanted to invite about 40 friends, figuring around 20-25 would come. She invited like 60 extra people, to get me more gifts. I knew she'd try to do the same thing for my wedding, so to bypass that, DH and I paid for it ourselves so we were in control of who was invited. She gave me a list of people to send baby announcements to, too, for the same reason.

Disgusting. Not something I would be proud of and telling others about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

Sad that you remember who gave what all these years later.

Lol, I hadn't remembered but my kids recently got bat mitzvah'd so it came up in talking with my parents. My sister reminded us that my parents had a huge spreadsheet of everyone invited, whether they were attending, how many in their party, what gift they gave, if we sent out a thank you card. My mother keeps score - she's the one who knew exactly who gave the least and the bracelet. She also made me invite about 20 rich relatives I'd never heard of saying "Don't worry - they won't come, but they'll send a big check." I vowed not to do that with my kids. But I do appreciate getting through college without needing to take out loans.

Yep, my mom is special like that. When I was 12 and babysitting every single Saturday night for one family and they didn't give me anything for Hanukah (they were jewish too) when my mother found out she promptly said, "We'll invite them to your bat mitzvah - they'll HAVE to give you a gift for that." She did the same thing for my high school graduation party - I wanted to invite about 40 friends, figuring around 20-25 would come. She invited like 60 extra people, to get me more gifts. I knew she'd try to do the same thing for my wedding, so to bypass that, DH and I paid for it ourselves so we were in control of who was invited. She gave me a list of people to send baby announcements to, too, for the same reason.

Disgusting. Not something I would be proud of and telling others about.

Eh, we can't control who our parents are and while the PP appears to see the problem with her mother's choices/manipulation around gift giving, some of it must have stuck based on the first round of advice.

OP, give what you can. There will always be a score keeper, but that's speaks to their character, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

You sound greedy and ridiculous

[Anonymous]

I didn’t care what anybody gave my kids. I appreciated people showing up. We have two friends who have since died, and I get teary remembering that they made time in their demanding schedules to be there.
Give what you are comfortable with, though our school is not a rich school, so I guess I shouldn’t speak for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

NY/NJ is a totally different ballgame. Rules are y there. Same for weddings where $100 is absolutely not ok to give. Here, people are cheap, and it’s fine. Op if you are in DC $54 or even $36 is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

Sad that you remember who gave what all these years later.

Lol, I hadn't remembered but my kids recently got bat mitzvah'd so it came up in talking with my parents. My sister reminded us that my parents had a huge spreadsheet of everyone invited, whether they were attending, how many in their party, what gift they gave, if we sent out a thank you card. My mother keeps score - she's the one who knew exactly who gave the least and the bracelet. She also made me invite about 20 rich relatives I'd never heard of saying "Don't worry - they won't come, but they'll send a big check." I vowed not to do that with my kids. But I do appreciate getting through college without needing to take out loans.

Yep, my mom is special like that. When I was 12 and babysitting every single Saturday night for one family and they didn't give me anything for Hanukah (they were jewish too) when my mother found out she promptly said, "We'll invite them to your bat mitzvah - they'll HAVE to give you a gift for that." She did the same thing for my high school graduation party - I wanted to invite about 40 friends, figuring around 20-25 would come. She invited like 60 extra people, to get me more gifts. I knew she'd try to do the same thing for my wedding, so to bypass that, DH and I paid for it ourselves so we were in control of who was invited. She gave me a list of people to send baby announcements to, too, for the same reason.

Disgusting. Not something I would be proud of and telling others about.

Yes please do not tell this story. I am embarrassed to have people think most families think this way when planning Bat Mitzahs.

[Anonymous]

Spin off question - save the date for a bat mitzvah in October for entire grade was sent out in the spring for a girl my son has yet to meet. Outdoor tent pizza event. $36 okay? Do kids give hard cash in a card?

[Anonymous]

I doubt $54 even covers the cost of the guest giving the cash gift. That's a net loss. I'd guess an average one it costs maybe $125 per guest? I don't know, the last one I attended cost $250,000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spin off question - save the date for a bat mitzvah in October for entire grade was sent out in the spring for a girl my son has yet to meet. Outdoor tent pizza event. $36 okay? Do kids give hard cash in a card?

Fine..for a random school "friend" treat it like a bday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

You sound greedy and ridiculous

You think I'm greedy because I give every kid at least $108? Not sure I follow your logic.