Bar Mitzvah Gift Amount at Wealthy Private Schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spin off question - save the date for a bat mitzvah in October for entire grade was sent out in the spring for a girl my son has yet to meet. Outdoor tent pizza event. $36 okay? Do kids give hard cash in a card?

I have the same question. Not just how much to give - $36 sounds good to me, because I just feel like it's weird to give more for a classmate - but is it considered rude to turn down the invitation? My kid is super socially anxious and doesn't want to go to any of them, even though inviting the whole class seems to be the thing to do. But he will hardly know anyone there and it would probably just be kind of painful for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spin off question - save the date for a bat mitzvah in October for entire grade was sent out in the spring for a girl my son has yet to meet. Outdoor tent pizza event. $36 okay? Do kids give hard cash in a card?

I have the same question. Not just how much to give - $36 sounds good to me, because I just feel like it's weird to give more for a classmate - but is it considered rude to turn down the invitation? My kid is super socially anxious and doesn't want to go to any of them, even though inviting the whole class seems to be the thing to do. But he will hardly know anyone there and it would probably just be kind of painful for him.

I'd encourage your child to attend. This will be a way to get to know others. At our child's school, there were many of bar/bat mitzvah's in 7th grade and most invited the entire class.
It is a pretty key part of the social interaction during that year, they were welcoming and fun. I can't imagine it would help to exclude yourself from that. Plus, it's kind to the host to help them celebrate a big milestone. Not to mention it's very practice in social skills and it'd be good to put himself out there. (I say this as a parent of a very shy boy, albeit, he never considered skipping these)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spin off question - save the date for a bat mitzvah in October for entire grade was sent out in the spring for a girl my son has yet to meet. Outdoor tent pizza event. $36 okay? Do kids give hard cash in a card?

I have the same question. Not just how much to give - $36 sounds good to me, because I just feel like it's weird to give more for a classmate - but is it considered rude to turn down the invitation? My kid is super socially anxious and doesn't want to go to any of them, even though inviting the whole class seems to be the thing to do. But he will hardly know anyone there and it would probably just be kind of painful for him.

No, it's not rude at all to send your regrets and not attend. Not everyone will attend - some kids will have scheduling conflicts, some will be sick, some will be grounded, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yea, $50 is perfect unless you're not comfortable with that much - then give less! I promise the kid is going to get *plenty* of money from family so no one will care. Hope your child has fun!

Oh I forgot to say that it would be an absolutely lovely gesture to give in a multiple of 18 as the number symbolises "chai" which is Hebrew for "life." So $36 or $54 would be perfect. As a Jewish parent, it would mean a lot if a non Jewish family showed knowledge of that tradition!

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

I could have written this. I was shocked to read $50 based on the same experience. Grew up on the upper east side and went to over 90 bar and bat mitzvahs in the mid-1990s. Our “go to” gift was a Tiffany’s bracelet - the chain link one with the tag you can get a name on. Can’t remember how much it was but it was around $100, I think. Just looked it up and it’s now $400. I’d say at least half of people would get something from Tiffany’s for girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

I could have written this. I was shocked to read $50 based on the same experience. Grew up on the upper east side and went to over 90 bar and bat mitzvahs in the mid-1990s. Our “go to” gift was a Tiffany’s bracelet - the chain link one with the tag you can get a name on. Can’t remember how much it was but it was around $100, I think. Just looked it up and it’s now $400. I’d say at least half of people would get something from Tiffany’s for girls.

But doesn’t that mean girls usually ended up with multiple of the same Tiffany pieces? How many Tiffany bracelets does a girl need?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

I could have written this. I was shocked to read $50 based on the same experience. Grew up on the upper east side and went to over 90 bar and bat mitzvahs in the mid-1990s. Our “go to” gift was a Tiffany’s bracelet - the chain link one with the tag you can get a name on. Can’t remember how much it was but it was around $100, I think. Just looked it up and it’s now $400. I’d say at least half of people would get something from Tiffany’s for girls.

I am a transplant from NY, although not the upper east side. You all are living in a wealth bubble and don't seem to realize it. No one around here spends that outrageously on birthday or bar mitzvahs for classmates. The DC area tends to be understated and not to flaunt wealth, even if they have it. It is considered by many to be a bit crass. The $50 range, even a bit less, is perfectly acceptable here. When I do birthdays I actually request that guests NOT give a lot, because honestly we don't need it, and I'd do the same for the bar mitzvah, although I'm thinking we may actually skip the whole giant party thing because honestly I just not religious enough to want to spend 10K on a kid party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

I could have written this. I was shocked to read $50 based on the same experience. Grew up on the upper east side and went to over 90 bar and bat mitzvahs in the mid-1990s. Our “go to” gift was a Tiffany’s bracelet - the chain link one with the tag you can get a name on. Can’t remember how much it was but it was around $100, I think. Just looked it up and it’s now $400. I’d say at least half of people would get something from Tiffany’s for girls.

I am a transplant from NY, although not the upper east side. You all are living in a wealth bubble and don't seem to realize it. No one around here spends that outrageously on birthday or bar mitzvahs for classmates. The DC area tends to be understated and not to flaunt wealth, even if they have it. It is considered by many to be a bit crass. The $50 range, even a bit less, is perfectly acceptable here. When I do birthdays I actually request that guests NOT give a lot, because honestly we don't need it, and I'd do the same for the bar mitzvah, although I'm thinking we may actually skip the whole giant party thing because honestly I just not religious enough to want to spend 10K on a kid party.

Spot on. Plus, if your kid isn’t super close to the recepient, and this goes for any type of event, and the gift is way more than the norm, your kid will be labeled a “try-hard” and social climber. I have seen it happen. You just don’t do that in DC social circles (even the richest ones).

[Anonymous]

Just threw a Bar Mitzvah for my son. Saturday evening - nice venue. Gifts from kids ranged from $20 cash to gifts cards (Chick-Fil-A; Dick's) to checks typically $54. A few higher ones from closer friends and a few smaller ones from less close friends. We could not have cared less what kids gave and you should give in your comfort level. It was just so nice for them to come during Covid and bring a gift. For mitzvahs that my son attended, we did $54 for a school friend that was not a close friend, $72 for a closer friend, and $108 for closest friends (where we weren't invited just my kid). Again, give what you are comfortable giving. No one should be keeping tabs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yea, $50 is perfect unless you're not comfortable with that much - then give less! I promise the kid is going to get *plenty* of money from family so no one will care. Hope your child has fun!

Oh I forgot to say that it would be an absolutely lovely gesture to give in a multiple of 18 as the number symbolises "chai" which is Hebrew for "life." So $36 or $54 would be perfect. As a Jewish parent, it would mean a lot if a non Jewish family showed knowledge of that tradition!

This OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50 is really too little, IMO. I grew up in a wealthy area in NY, and got bat miztvah'd in 1989. I think ONE friend gave me $72, two sisters gave me a gold bracelet, and everyone else gave $90 or $108. So to give $50 NOW, seems way too low.

FYI, if your kid isn't close with the kid who invited them, they don't have to go (and thus, don't have to give a gift).

I could have written this. I was shocked to read $50 based on the same experience. Grew up on the upper east side and went to over 90 bar and bat mitzvahs in the mid-1990s. Our “go to” gift was a Tiffany’s bracelet - the chain link one with the tag you can get a name on. Can’t remember how much it was but it was around $100, I think. Just looked it up and it’s now $400. I’d say at least half of people would get something from Tiffany’s for girls.

I am a transplant from NY, although not the upper east side. You all are living in a wealth bubble and don't seem to realize it. No one around here spends that outrageously on birthday or bar mitzvahs for classmates. The DC area tends to be understated and not to flaunt wealth, even if they have it. It is considered by many to be a bit crass. The $50 range, even a bit less, is perfectly acceptable here. When I do birthdays I actually request that guests NOT give a lot, because honestly we don't need it, and I'd do the same for the bar mitzvah, although I'm thinking we may actually skip the whole giant party thing because honestly I just not religious enough to want to spend 10K on a kid party.

Jew here, LOL "religious enough" has no one thing to do with an expensive party. That is something idiotic that has started in the 1970's.

Not judging happy for someone else to invite me to a cool party with great food. Dave Mathews Band was awfully fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just threw a Bar Mitzvah for my son. Saturday evening - nice venue. Gifts from kids ranged from $20 cash to gifts cards (Chick-Fil-A; Dick's) to checks typically $54. A few higher ones from closer friends and a few smaller ones from less close friends. We could not have cared less what kids gave and you should give in your comfort level. It was just so nice for them to come during Covid and bring a gift. For mitzvahs that my son attended, we did $54 for a school friend that was not a close friend, $72 for a closer friend, and $108 for closest friends (where we weren't invited just my kid). Again, give what you are comfortable giving. No one should be keeping tabs.

With so much wealth in the area, why don't people forgo gifts altogether? I do not understand why people need to give kids $. These kids don't need $.

[Anonymous]

My DC found it embarrassing to get gifts from his peers. All he wanted was their presence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A card is the most meaningful. If you feel you need to give, a card + a donation to a charity. My first child was touched by several of the cards her classmates wrote... especially beautiful was one that talked about how she hadn't known any Jewish families before ours and always found it fascinating to learn about Judaism from my daughter. That was a standout, clearly, but they were all super sweet.

Ditto!! We put our heart and soul into the service, which is the milestone. No need for ANY gifts although cards with kind words are fantastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - it’s good that you’ve raised the question as for many it is confusing how to gift at milestone celebrations in faith communities other than your own. One important option I haven’t seen referenced here is that virtually all bar/bat mitzvah students choose a community service project. It is always appropriate to make a donation in line with the project. It could be to the specific cause the child is involved with or something similar that shared the demonstrated values. No child or family with think anything but well of a classmate or classmate’s family that opts to make a donation in the bar/bat mitzvah child’s honor instead of (or in addition to) a simple gift.

Only close family members give sizable cash gifts.
.

Yes, this exactly!

+1

A donation in the bar/bat mitzvah child’s name is the best gift from a school chum and/or their family. That, and a thoughful card showing you understand how important the milestone is for the child and their family.