Reply to If you found out your spouse was cheating by snooping…

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I am sorry.

She doesn't get to be mad she cheated. That's deflection gas lighting/[/quote]

+1000 The fact she lambasted you for snooping is a real smack in the face and indicates her pathology runs deeper than you think. Google DARVO. She is not a healthy partner and won't be without lots of time, deep self-awareness and therapy. Run don't walk away from this woman and read Cheating in a Nutshell. Helped me understand all the things I was feeling when my ex cheated. [/quote]

Her response to the cheating discovery is AWFUL.  People like that aren’t sorry or remorseful, at least not yet.  Blaming you for snooping?  I would be done right there, what a blame-shifter.  She should be 100% transparent now, passwords, phone availability, face timing if she has to go to an appointment without you, etc.  She should willingly be doing all of this without even having to be asked.

My spouse calmly confirmed affair was true and spilled, sang like a bird.  Spouse was also in therapy and had already ended it prior to finding out, but not once was I ever blamed for anything.  Took 100% responsibility and gave 150% effort to try to rectify the hurt and pain.  Showed incredible remorse and sorrow.  Took over everything at home and still 2 years later cooks all dinners, brings me coffee in bed, is always present and engaged.  Fought hard for me, kids and family.  Continues with individual therapy and we still do couples 1-2 times per month.  The relationship is better now than pre-affair and we are looking forward to an empty nest in a few years.

It’s such an awful thing, OP.  You don’t have to decide today.  And if you start towards reconciliation, it doesn’t mean you can’t divorce later if you don’t think it’s working.  But she really needs to be doing a lot of work right now.  Watch her actions, not her words.[/quote]

+1,000,000 to all of this! People who've violated trust think that the reveal and the apology are "enough" and then the betrayed partner feels so much pressure to accept the apology and move on. But NO. The one who had the affair needs to actively and diligently rebuild trust with their partner, and this can only happen by being transparent, and by owning and understanding what they did.[/quote]

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