Boyfriend Mad I Won’t Move In

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your reasons are wise. His response is self protection, also wise..for him. I think that you can find a way to reassure him of your commitment to the relationship while still progressing at a comfortable speed. I think his response shows perhaps a sensitivity that you were not aware of, and now you know. I don’t agree with the automatic dump him posters. It’s good that you were able to communicate and get to the bottom of it. It sounds like he gave you an honest answer showing vulnerability on his part. Not bad for a young six month relationship!

OP here. I’m not breaking up with him. I love him and I do a see a future with him, but I want to give it more time. I know that he is hurt. I would probably be feeling the same rejection of the role we’re reversed. I just wish he could understand that my feelings for him have nothing to do with my decision to wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What were your reasons why?

OP here. Past relationship. I spent a year with my ex. I moved in at 6 months with him and we planned to get married. I thought I knew him very well, but engagement never came, and I started to see more things about him I didn’t like that I never saw before. I feel like you can really never know someone in that short amount of time. Lust blinds you for that first 6-12 months. This has nothing to do with my feelings. It does not mean I don’t see a future with him and that I don’t love him. Why rush such a big decision that is meant to last a lifetime? So many people rush and then end up divorced. I don’t want to be one of them.

I asked him why he was becoming distant today and he said he’s not sure I love him, and he doesn’t want to get hurt. He explained that me rejecting him told him that I’m not really in love with him, and he is protecting himself from getting any closer to me.

His reaction is not good.
You bringing up your ex also not good. I'm not sure this guy is right for you and it's probably best if you part ways. But you need to deal with your issues with your ex and not project it int o future relationships.

OP here. My ex is not an issue. It’s an important life life lesson not to rush. That’s it. Even if I didn’t have the situation with my ex, I would still feel the same.

It's an issue. Instead of simply saying you want to wait to get to know each other better, which is totally fine. You brought another man into and basically told your boyfriend he was going to be like him, all men are jerks etc.

Totally fine to want to wait. Not fine to bring old drama into a new relationship.

Another thing you may want to work on your picker because your ex sounds like a jerk and this one seems immature.

OP here. I mentioning the life lesson I’ve learned from a past relationship on here, but my ex was not brought up into the conversation with my boyfriend. The only reason I have was that I was not comfortable moving so fast, and that I wanted to wait longer before making a serious commitment.

Ok that's good. I'd say your boyfriend is a bit immature then if his reaction to being told no is to pull away and withdraw affection. I don't know that you need to break up with him right away, but you do need to file this information away.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don’t think he’s immature. I know him last ex cheated on him while telling him he was the love of life and she couldn’t wait to marry him. He knows I’m not cheating, but I worry he has some issues because of his past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His reaction is a giant red flag. At best, it's immature. At worst, it's manipulative. This is not how emotionally mature, functional people behave.

(The PP who is making an issue of you mentioning lessons learned from your ex is really off-base. It reeks of insecurity.)

+1

OP, you are smart. Six months is too soon to live together. At any age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His reaction is a giant red flag. At best, it's immature. At worst, it's manipulative. This is not how emotionally mature, functional people behave.

(The PP who is making an issue of you mentioning lessons learned from your ex is really off-base. It reeks of insecurity.)

+1

OP, you are smart. Six months is too soon to live together. At any age.

Sockpuppeting is still pathetic

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are punishing this guy for the mistakes of your ex. Two totally different people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t think he’s immature. I know him last ex cheated on him while telling him he was the love of life and she couldn’t wait to marry him. He knows I’m not cheating, but I worry he has some issues because of his past.

Withdrawing affection from a partner because they draw a reasonable boundary is immature.. What his ex did has nothing to do with you. You and your BF are in danger of messing up this and future relationships if you don't stop projecting your past traumas from past partners onto current partners and the current situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His reaction is a giant red flag. At best, it's immature. At worst, it's manipulative. This is not how emotionally mature, functional people behave.

(The PP who is making an issue of you mentioning lessons learned from your ex is really off-base. It reeks of insecurity.)

+1

OP, you are smart. Six months is too soon to live together. At any age.

Hard agree. Under zero circumstances should you give up your own place until you are married. It complicates things as your are discerning the progress of the relationship, and depletes the autonomy and power of the person moving in to their partner’s place. Not having one’s own place clouds the decisions of what one will and will not compromise on as a relationship deepens and matures. I’m not opposed to lots and lots of sleepovers… but your mail needs to go to your own address until you’re married. That he’s pouting about this 6 months in woild be concerning to me if you were my good friend or my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your reasons are wise. His response is self protection, also wise..for him. I think that you can find a way to reassure him of your commitment to the relationship while still progressing at a comfortable speed. I think his response shows perhaps a sensitivity that you were not aware of, and now you know. I don’t agree with the automatic dump him posters. It’s good that you were able to communicate and get to the bottom of it. It sounds like he gave you an honest answer showing vulnerability on his part. Not bad for a young six month relationship!

OP here. I’m not breaking up with him. I love him and I do a see a future with him, but I want to give it more time. I know that he is hurt. I would probably be feeling the same rejection of the role we’re reversed. I just wish he could understand that my feelings for him have nothing to do with my decision to wait.

Did you make it clear?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t think he’s immature. I know him last ex cheated on him while telling him he was the love of life and she couldn’t wait to marry him. He knows I’m not cheating, but I worry he has some issues because of his past.

Withdrawing affection from a partner because they draw a reasonable boundary is immature.. What his ex did has nothing to do with you. You and your BF are in danger of messing up this and future relationships if you don't stop projecting your past traumas from past partners onto current partners and the current situation.

DP and I agree his response is concerning. I can understand his hurt, because he’s so certain you’re “the one for him” and it felt like a rejection, but to close down and withdraw affection is a bit of a red flag. That being said, it sounds like you had a heart-to-heart afterward and that has the ability to kind of calm down the raw emotion and help you move forward. Where you go from here will tell you more about your ability to work through difficult moments.

[Anonymous]

If you are not ready to move in w/him at this stage - then that is your choice & your bf should respect that.

His acting passive/aggressive now only solidifies that you are making the right decisions.

[Anonymous]

Are you a man, OP?

This scenario is not uncommon with same-sex couples, male and female. My husband and I moved in together after a few months of dating, and ultimately married 8 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t think he’s immature. I know him last ex cheated on him while telling him he was the love of life and she couldn’t wait to marry him. He knows I’m not cheating, but I worry he has some issues because of his past.

No, OP, his response is immature and concerning. After 6 months, he wants to move in and get married. Red flag. Then when you say that you love him and that you want to wait (which is a totally reasonable response after only dating six months), he withholds affection. Second red flag.

What does this situation with his ex and cheating have to do with any of this?

How old are you both?

[Anonymous]

His response does sound immature but at leas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your reasons are wise. His response is self protection, also wise..for him. I think that you can find a way to reassure him of your commitment to the relationship while still progressing at a comfortable speed. I think his response shows perhaps a sensitivity that you were not aware of, and now you know. I don’t agree with the automatic dump him posters. It’s good that you were able to communicate and get to the bottom of it. It sounds like he gave you an honest answer showing vulnerability on his part. Not bad for a young six month relationship!

OP here. I’m not breaking up with him. I love him and I do a see a future with him, but I want to give it more time. I know that he is hurt. I would probably be feeling the same rejection of the role we’re reversed. I just wish he could understand that my feelings for him have nothing to do with my decision to wait.

PP here, it sounds like you both are in different places on the relationship continuum and you both are in self protection mode. Also fine, just keep an open dialogue. You shouldn’t lead him on knowing his vulnerabilities and sensitivity and he should not pressure you knowing yours. I do not share the feeling that he is immature based on what you wrote thus far. Good luck.