Why or why not have a 4th child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I are 33. We’ve got pretty typical pros and cons for it; we love raising kids but the toddler years are hectic, we could save more $ not having a fourth but like the experience of a big family etc etc etc.

Not looking for anyone to make the decision for us, just asking because I’m curious to hear other people’s experiences.

This question has been posed umpteen times on this Forum. Do you have enough money? Do you have enough time and solid caregiving arrangements? Is your marriage strong? Is the environmental impact of an additional kid important to you?

Did you not read the bolded? OP is not asking if she should or shouldn’t, she is asking people about their own experiences and reasoning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend who is one of four had a very miserable upbringing.

This is why you chose to stop at 3? I guess it's no less of a legitimate reason than any other, but I see kids from families of all numbers who had miserable upbringings. I have a friend who is one of 12 and she loved her upbringing, including being one of 12, and I know of people who were an only child, or one of two, who hated their home life.

[Anonymous]

Not having more because we already fight over money and my husband travels a lot for work so I already feel like a single mom. If I had a supportive husband and better marriage, I'd have 4 kids because I love the idea of a big family surrounded by cute little kids and someday lots of grandkids.

[Anonymous]

DH is one of four, the last being a surprise, and in hindsight he says he doesn't feel like he got a lot of individual attention and doesn't have super close personal relationships with his parents. His brothers say the same (sister was the only girl, so had a different dynamic with my MIL). His mom was a SAHM and I think would be hurt to hear they feel that way, but I think once you get to 4+ kids, you have to switch to parenting in bulk and that changes the kids' experience in their family. Interestingly, 2 of DH's siblings wanted 3 kids, but not 4. One stopped at two because they knew their limits and the other may end up with a third if their finances stabilize enough before the baby gets too old. In my opinion (and I know others will disagree), three seems like the right balance between "bigger" family dynamics and enough time to devote to each kid.

[Anonymous]

We have 3 boys and I’m ready to be done. People often ask if we will try for a girl and this sometimes makes me feel a tinge of outside pressure to have another. In reality, having a daughter is not, and never was, important to me.

I like my family as it is but I do wish people would stop critiquing it.

[Anonymous]

I was 1 of 4. No way for me. my parents had a hard time managing us and we are all dysfunctional as a result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is one of four, the last being a surprise, and in hindsight he says he doesn't feel like he got a lot of individual attention and doesn't have super close personal relationships with his parents. His brothers say the same (sister was the only girl, so had a different dynamic with my MIL). His mom was a SAHM and I think would be hurt to hear they feel that way, but I think once you get to 4+ kids, you have to switch to parenting in bulk and that changes the kids' experience in their family. Interestingly, 2 of DH's siblings wanted 3 kids, but not 4. One stopped at two because they knew their limits and the other may end up with a third if their finances stabilize enough before the baby gets too old. In my opinion (and I know others will disagree), three seems like the right balance between "bigger" family dynamics and enough time to devote to each kid.

I also like 3. It’s a happy medium between a small family and a big family

[Anonymous]

We just had our fourth this year. We didn't do any kind of sophisticated analysis before deciding, but it surely helped that money is not an issue and that we have local grandparents who love to babysit.

So far, the other three kids are enjoying the new addition. One of them loves infants and toddlers in general and is always trying to mother other people's little ones whenever she gets a chance. She is constantly following me and begging to hold the baby. The other two don't like babies in general, but they like their little brother, although they are impatient for him to be able to learn to talk and play more meaningfully. They don't ask to hold him as often, but they regularly talk to him and pretend that he is talking back by speaking his parts. Their "conversations" are hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't need one. 3 is more than enough.

DP but not sure why that's eyeroll worthy. OP asked why people stopped or went for a fourth. Plenty of people stop at 3 (or 2, or 1) because it's enough. And I'll throw in what nobody has said yet - every time you get pregnant it's a roll of the dice. If you've had healthy pregnancies, safe deliveries, and healthy kids until now, that's wonderful. It's also no guarantee that will continue.

There's plenty to be said for counting your blessings.

It's eyeroll worthy because it is inappropriate to tell another adult what s/he does or does not need. The OP wanted to hear about other's decision making process regarding a 4th child, not to have some ass swing by with a dismissive comment.

I have four--#4 was an unexpected bonus. They are the light of my life and close with all of their sibilings. Surprisingly the day to day of going from three to four isnt that much different. Four teenagers is a challenge but really by the time #4 started with the antics, I was much more chill having seen it all before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I are 33. We’ve got pretty typical pros and cons for it; we love raising kids but the toddler years are hectic, we could save more $ not having a fourth but like the experience of a big family etc etc etc.

Not looking for anyone to make the decision for us, just asking because I’m curious to hear other people’s experiences.

This question has been posed umpteen times on this Forum. Do you have enough money? Do you have enough time and solid caregiving arrangements? Is your marriage strong? Is the environmental impact of an additional kid important to you?

Did you not read the bolded? OP is not asking if she should or shouldn’t, she is asking people about their own experiences and reasoning.

Why do other's experiences matter? If the answer to all the questions above isn't "yes" (except for the environmental impact one), no anonymous person's experiences on DCUM should matter at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend who is one of four had a very miserable upbringing.

I'm one of two and had a miserable upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Just beware - there are a lot of ladies in the twins club who went for #3 or #4 but ended up with twins.

[Anonymous]

We have 4 kids and there are lots of positives and negatives. For us the negatives are more tangibles and the positives are more emotional. For some of the downsides: we needed larger cars that would fit 4 carseats. The 3 bedroom house only worked well until the kids hit elementary school then we decided we need more space. It costs more to do everything. There have been activities the family could not do because we still had little toddlers when the older two were old enough (think amusement parks, high adventure activities). The younger kids got dragged around to the older siblings events ALOT. We made the family choice to say no to any travel sports. Kids in multiple schools means more commitments for things like BTS nights, school concerts, fundraisers, school fairs. As far as the positives: our kids can always find a support buddy. Even when two get in a disagreement there is always someone on their side. They often pair up to do activities at home and when we are out. In the long term they will have more support for each other (this has come up with with my dh and I and our siblings and we have seen first hand how great having multiple siblings can be when trying to support aging parents emotionally) Our kids have built in best friends. I never thought that this would be very important but during covid it became a godsend. We went almost 9 months without our tweens seeing other kids in person but they always had a buddy to play with.

Four kids is a lot of work but we love our family and we are happy. There are lots of threads on families with 3+ kids if you are looking for tips. What we have figured out over the years is that for us we need to be extremely organized with a shared family calendar. We plan far in advance and EVERY SINGLE THING goes on the shared calendar so that we can plan for conflicts and multiple commitments. We are also the first family to help others out with things like carpools because we know there might be times when we may need help too. If we are super organized we are then able to be flexible without everything falling apart because we can check the calendar for consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 boys and I’m ready to be done. People often ask if we will try for a girl and this sometimes makes me feel a tinge of outside pressure to have another. In reality, having a daughter is not, and never was, important to me.

I like my family as it is but I do wish people would stop critiquing it.

Don't worry about it! Just smile knowingly and say - VERY happy with my boys!

I have two boys. They are lovely (late teens now).

They were also VERY energetic little boys - 2 was enough for me! Had no interest in having a girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is one of four, the last being a surprise, and in hindsight he says he doesn't feel like he got a lot of individual attention and doesn't have super close personal relationships with his parents. His brothers say the same (sister was the only girl, so had a different dynamic with my MIL). His mom was a SAHM and I think would be hurt to hear they feel that way, but I think once you get to 4+ kids, you have to switch to parenting in bulk and that changes the kids' experience in their family. Interestingly, 2 of DH's siblings wanted 3 kids, but not 4. One stopped at two because they knew their limits and the other may end up with a third if their finances stabilize enough before the baby gets too old. In my opinion (and I know others will disagree), three seems like the right balance between "bigger" family dynamics and enough time to devote to each kid.

I also like 3. It’s a happy medium between a small family and a big family

+1