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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This thread is eye-opening. It sums up what I've felt but have been unable to articulate. He masked it well but the birth of our child and the stress of the pandemic has made it impossible to ignore. I don't know what to do to fix this.[/quote]

NP here. My DH received a diagnosis a year after our child was born and 6 months after an ADHD diagnosis. As a PP said, my DH’s diagnosis was definitely delayed and his ASD was not noticed during his childhood because of family trauma in the form of forced immigration and a brother with mental illness.

There isn’t a fix. You can accommodate him or not. I’ve “chosen” something between accommodating my DH and leaving him. I cannot leave my child in a custody share situation because my DH’s dual diagnoses mean he doesn’t have the emotional awareness or executive functioning skills to parent her safely or in a way that meets all of her needs. And no, this wasn’t obvious when we met because he’d unconsciously structured his bachelor life in a way to accommodate his disorders. Furthermore, my DH excels at work because of the high consequences (to him) of failure in that environment, so although ASD and ADHD make him a nightmare at home, a family court judge would have a hard time understanding how dysfunctional he is because he is successful in a high-pressure work environment.

I encourage my DH to travel for work as much as possible, which suits him since travel is one of his special interests. It expands the time my daughter is not around his tantrums or “rational” but actually mean commentary. He isn’t always a bad parent or husband, but the bad moments coincide with when I most need a partner and when our family stress is the highest, so I am tired and lonely. I wish so much that he would have received professional intervention and support as a child when it could have made a different. Whenever one of these threads is posted, people get very angry and are quick to shout down women in this situation as anti-ASD. I think a lot of it comes from parents of children with ASD who fear that their child’s future potential is being attacked. In my case, I am definitely not after adults with ASD, but I feel so much resentment and anger towards the outdated attitudes and prejudices that kept my DH from receiving the kind of support as a child that would have changed my life, his, and our child’s.

I try to keep my anger there rather than toward DH.[/quote]

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