I feel very unappreciated as a mother
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Anonymous
| I think this is just how it is. It can get a little better but generally the moms end up doing more and just bullshit. I’m married to a good guy who helps but doesn’t even know that half the things I do are jobs. 90% of the people I know complain about this regardless if they work out of the home. The ones who can afford a lot of help complain less. We have tried making lists, therapy, weekly meetings to divide up chores. I’ve tried to just let balls drop but ultimately some things just need to get done. Our country isn’t set up for true partnership and it often falls on the mother. I’m happy to hear suggestions but let’s everyone not beat up on OP. This is hardly a problem limited to her and her marriage. |
Anonymous
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I am hearing you talk about your feelings a lot. Feeling unappreciated. Feeling criticized. Do you and your husband ever talk about his feelings for you? Do you ever talk about the marriage. I wonder how much that underlies the allocation of housework?
If you just feel that the division is unfair, voice that and perhaps let him choose the tasks he takes. But put up a chart (like you might for a child), so it his noncompliance is visible. If he fails to keep his word, have the meeting again (rather than falling to your old ways as a couple) and state that he is not meeting his commitments. If he keeps not meeting to his commitments to his "partner" and children, then I would consider how good a partnership you are in. BUT the key is to agree civilly and hold him to the agreement. Just don't be sad and a victim. Feel entitled to him stepping up and hold him to his word. It won't be easy because another dynamic has gone on for years, but you should feel deserving of better treatment. |
Anonymous
I don't know your husband so I don't know if there is any way to make him do anything. I would like to propose a new strategy for you to make you feel better. Try seeing things that you do as their own reward as opposed to something you do for him that needs his appreciation. Did you arrange swimming lessons? Great. Your reward is that your children will be able to swim and also the joyful moments of watching them in the water. Did you buy developmentally appropriate toys? Great. Your reward is that your children have something to play with that they like. Do you buy groceries? Great. Your reward is the feeling of satisfaction that your family eats well and that your fridge is full. What I'm suggesting is that you disengage from needing anything, emotionally, from your husband. Because presently you need something from him and you are upset when that something isn't forthcoming. See these things as having their own intrinsic rewards. If these rewards are enough for you, do them. If not, drop them. |
Anonymous
| This is very common. And they wonder why we stop wanting to have sex with them. |
Anonymous
OP here- yes to all of this. If I waited for DH to take care of certain things- they would get done in days, weeks, next month. There is a lot of "we" need to do/buy this...and we ends up being me. Just as you said- its not intentional, but has resulted in way more work for me and things just being taken care of. |
Anonymous
OP here. I have tried some form of this- changing my way of thinking. It momentarily, temporarily is helpful, but long term it honestly is not. Because at the end of the day, I'm exhausted drained and resentful that so much of my headspace, time (and honestly money) is spent on things for the kids and family. His time and headspace seems more for him- things he wants and needs to do...for him. My "free" time is so often spent making sure the kids and the family have what they need. I am not dismissing your suggestions- I'm just being honest that I have tried changing my way of thinking a bit, but you pick up stones of resentment along the way....soon your pockets start to feel heavy |
Anonymous
I've gotten very blunt on "who is we?" every time it comes up. And making sure he understands that stuff like changing the HVAC filter, fine, keep that on the list for 3 weeks. But getting milk is a today requirement or I murder you in a coffee deprived rage. |
Anonymous
+1 Great comment So often these conversations devolve into telling a woman she’s just not managing her husband correctly, or she should have married someone better, and it’s so unproductive. I think if we could all collectively acknowledge that this is a systemic problem that will not be resolved for the vast majority of women until we make systemic changes to our work culture, the way we value care work, our childcare system, etc. If you feel like you have figured this out, chances are you are privileged in a way others are not, whether it’s with money, a supportive extended family, or something else. That’s not a knock on you or doesn’t mean you don’t work hard to make your life work, but before you give OP or anyone advice on this, you might ask yourself if the perceived equality in your marriage would be possible without a maid, nanny, the unpaid labor of your mom or MIL, or other benefit that not everyone (in fact very few people) have access to. |
Anonymous
| If your husband criticizes you for doing something wrong tell him that you have so many balls to juggle that things get dropped and that if he picked up some of the load fewer balls would be dropped. |
Anonymous
I agree that this is a systemic problem, but I also believe that individual households can manage things better. I am a breadwinning wife that does more of the executive functioning stuff, but here are some key differences: 1. Since I am filling out all the paperwork, my husbands name and cell number go first so he is more likely to get the call first from school, camp, etc. he can scramble to pick up a kid 90% of the time. 2. He is on every text to every babysitter. 3. Stuff I don’t care about, I don’t do. He cares more about piano lessons. It took him two years to get them started — I don’t care. He cares more about church, and will print out the email about the food drive, etc. I ignore the print out. If he wants to do it, he can do it. 4. I don’t jump in to help with stuff that is his to do. He does the laundry. I will be sitting on the bed watching my tablet while he folds laundry around me. I rarely look up to help. This is no different than when he walks through the kitchen and doesn’t stop to help me cook. 5. I have never, ever picked up responsibility for his family. I don’t know when their birthdays are, etc. 6. If he didn’t appreciate me and instead criticized me, we likely wouldn’t stay married. And vice versa. I appreciate all the “physical labor” type stuff he does since I am doing the executive functioning. |
Anonymous
Anonymous
He has expressed his feelings in the past- and I will be honest- it is laughable. For example, "I'm exhausted because I've been with the kids for the last 3 hours." It was honestly and legitimately one hour. And I prepared lunch on my way out the door. |
Anonymous
who is we- that's a good idea. Milk is a good example. He has legitimately never noticed when we are running low on milk. Or if he notices, he doesn't do anything about it. I'm so tired of being the noticer. |
Anonymous
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My DH actually sent to this to me, and this week he's been a DREAM with some of the little nits and bits that sometimes drain me. Just putting away little things that add up. Acknowledging the work I am doing for my kid's upcoming birthday that he is NOT doing etc.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2021/06/18/dad-pandemic-mental-labor/ |
Anonymous
"Who is we?" is good. Also, when he'd say things like "we should start looking to hotels for our trip" I used to start doing that. Now I don't, and when he asks, I just profess complete innocence "oh I didn't know you wanted me to do that, why don't you look into it?" I take on fewer tasks automatically, like automatically having a plan for dinner every day. When he asks "what's for dinner?" I say "I don't know, you have anything in mind?" I stop doing things like picking up underwear off the floor and including it in the wash. If he doesn't have clean underwear, not my problem. I don't join him in searching for things he can't find because he didn't put them away. Am I a less helpful partner? Yes, yes I am. But otherwise I am a partner who takes on far more work that goes unnoticed and unappreciated. It completely goes against how women are socialized -- to be helpful, to be a good team player, to pitch in. It even feels unnatural to me. But sometimes we need to take things back for ourselves. And yes, he has improved somewhat since. |