I feel very unappreciated as a mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is great but one issue is that my to do list is TODAY's list and his to do list is this months. So I need to be very clear when something is a thing that he needs to do and when, as compared to something that I am going to do. He got in a bad habit of making everything a "we" and then I would do it because he hadn't gotten around to it yet. It's not intentional but the unintentional affect meant way more work for me and things just magically appearing or being done for him.

OP here- yes to all of this. If I waited for DH to take care of certain things- they would get done in days, weeks, next month.

There is a lot of "we" need to do/buy this...and we ends up being me. Just as you said- its not intentional, but has resulted in way more work for me and things just being taken care of.

I've gotten very blunt on "who is we?" every time it comes up. And making sure he understands that stuff like changing the HVAC filter, fine, keep that on the list for 3 weeks. But getting milk is a today requirement or I murder you in a coffee deprived rage.

"Who is we?" is good. Also, when he'd say things like "we should start looking to hotels for our trip" I used to start doing that. Now I don't, and when he asks, I just profess complete innocence "oh I didn't know you wanted me to do that, why don't you look into it?" I take on fewer tasks automatically, like automatically having a plan for dinner every day. When he asks "what's for dinner?" I say "I don't know, you have anything in mind?" I stop doing things like picking up underwear off the floor and including it in the wash. If he doesn't have clean underwear, not my problem. I don't join him in searching for things he can't find because he didn't put them away.

Am I a less helpful partner? Yes, yes I am. But otherwise I am a partner who takes on far more work that goes unnoticed and unappreciated. It completely goes against how women are socialized -- to be helpful, to be a good team player, to pitch in. It even feels unnatural to me. But sometimes we need to take things back for ourselves.

And yes, he has improved somewhat since.

OP here- YES to all of this. My nature (and that of my mom) is to be helpful, etc. I do so many things in a day that aren't on my to do list- just because i notice them and/or we have conditioned ourselves to just handle it.

Once my DH criticized me for the dishes that came out of the dishwasher. He says I'm lazy about not rinsing giving them a scrub before putting them in. I retorted back "So why don't you handle the dishes from now on, since you are better at it?"

He looked completely caught off guard and shocked.

And yet, the dishes pile up, and I end up loading the dishwasher 75% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is great but one issue is that my to do list is TODAY's list and his to do list is this months. So I need to be very clear when something is a thing that he needs to do and when, as compared to something that I am going to do. He got in a bad habit of making everything a "we" and then I would do it because he hadn't gotten around to it yet. It's not intentional but the unintentional affect meant way more work for me and things just magically appearing or being done for him.

OP here- yes to all of this. If I waited for DH to take care of certain things- they would get done in days, weeks, next month.

There is a lot of "we" need to do/buy this...and we ends up being me. Just as you said- its not intentional, but has resulted in way more work for me and things just being taken care of.

I've gotten very blunt on "who is we?" every time it comes up. And making sure he understands that stuff like changing the HVAC filter, fine, keep that on the list for 3 weeks. But getting milk is a today requirement or I murder you in a coffee deprived rage.

"Who is we?" is good. Also, when he'd say things like "we should start looking to hotels for our trip" I used to start doing that. Now I don't, and when he asks, I just profess complete innocence "oh I didn't know you wanted me to do that, why don't you look into it?" I take on fewer tasks automatically, like automatically having a plan for dinner every day. When he asks "what's for dinner?" I say "I don't know, you have anything in mind?" I stop doing things like picking up underwear off the floor and including it in the wash. If he doesn't have clean underwear, not my problem. I don't join him in searching for things he can't find because he didn't put them away.

Am I a less helpful partner? Yes, yes I am. But otherwise I am a partner who takes on far more work that goes unnoticed and unappreciated. It completely goes against how women are socialized -- to be helpful, to be a good team player, to pitch in. It even feels unnatural to me. But sometimes we need to take things back for ourselves.

And yes, he has improved somewhat since.

OP here- YES to all of this. My nature (and that of my mom) is to be helpful, etc. I do so many things in a day that aren't on my to do list- just because i notice them and/or we have conditioned ourselves to just handle it.

Once my DH criticized me for the dishes that came out of the dishwasher. He says I'm lazy about not rinsing giving them a scrub before putting them in. I retorted back "So why don't you handle the dishes from now on, since you are better at it?"

He looked completely caught off guard and shocked.

And yet, the dishes pile up, and I end up loading the dishwasher 75% of the time.

Honestly, he sounds like an ass. I do think you could perhaps help yourself feel less burdened by being less helpful (I’m the person that literally does not help with laundry while watching my tablet), but fundamentally this guy isn’t interested in being a contributing member of the household.

[Anonymous]

Op I definitely wrote lots of similar type laments on DCUM years ago, when my kids were little. Here's my perspective, with 9 and 11 year olds.

1) the baby/toddler/preschool years suck. If you can outsource, do it. They need constant surveillance and I figured out that DH could not be home with the kids and do anything else. like you think that during a nap he could wash bottles and tidy up but he would zone out on his phone, whereas I feel like I used every minute. But that was my mind racing with all the crap that we needed to do while he needed (wanted?) to chill out. More broadly, multi-tasking was not his strong suit and with little kids you are always doing it, or deciding that some chaos and mess is okay.Exampple He would try to take them to the market and do a shop and would return home with the kids, the food, but having left our expensive stroller in the parking lot (yes, this happened more than once).

We fought a lot during this time over stupid stuff, which was just a reflection of each of us being tired, stressed and feeling underappreciated. He really did alot less than I did with the kids and around the house and we both worked. I also had strong ideas about what we needed to do for the kids, that he didn't necessarily thing was so critical....but these relaxed over the years. Its important when they are young that you are vigilant in the bath, that you watch them at the park, that you make sure they are eating well, getting their naps, doing the lessons, seeing the doctors on time, etc. There is also a ton that you need to notice, because the kids wont verbalize for you. Frankly, our only survival mechanism was an amazing nanny (we ditched daycare when #2 was on the way) who basically managed what we were unable to do, which was watch our kids and keep things relatively calm in our home and help around the edges.

2) I stopped anticipating so much. I still do ALL the paperwork for schools, dentists, doctors, camps, activities, you name it. I still plan all the vacations , I still get all the clothes, i plan and oversee all renovations and finances (but he meets all household repair people and does small fixes himself). I am the planner in our home. But DH participates more and more as he's less stressed with ittle kids and our lives are not as crazed. . I make an appointment but put it on his calendar, so he takes the kids to dentist, doctors, etc. I make a list of stuff we need but he shops. I declare that I am making dinner mon tue wed, but thurs and friday are on him. He knows by now that there has to be a vegetable but otherwise I dont comment if its pasta/ burgers/pasta/burgers.

3) honestly it gets easier because the kids become independent and can do a ton for themselves. that has been the biggest change. so I may do more, but we each have a smaller load. And DH is a lot better at parenting older kids.


The other issue I hear is about feeling unappreciated and small criticisms. I get it and I'm sorry to hear it. I think the early years are tough. We both kind of hated each other for a while. I thought at times we would divorce. We rarely fight now, at least over the stupid stuff.

In sum, my advice would be--back off, dont do so much, drop some of the resentment , not because its not justified but because it fills you with negativity and you dont need it. I also believe your DH knows /feels your resentment and thus is defensive and critical. Take some time for yourself. I always found an afternoon on my own--yoga and lunch with a friend--- put me in a much better mood and DH realized that too and made it happen. et some things go. Outsource other things if you can. Realize it will pass and what you're going through is common, and unfortunate, but not necessarily the way it has to or always will be.

[Anonymous]

Once my DH criticized me for the dishes that came out of the dishwasher. He says I'm lazy about not rinsing giving them a scrub before putting them in. I retorted back "So why don't you handle the dishes from now on, since you are better at it?"

Immediate PP here. Yes, this too. DH said a while ago that I was always leaving wrinkles in his tee shirts. so i said, in a totally neutral voice, okay, you can do your laundry the way you like it and since then I've not done a single load of his laundry. He occasionally finds fault with small things and I cheerfully say, "sorry I'll try to do better" and not get upset about it. Its not worth getting into the spiral of "I can't believe you're criticizing me for not closing bottles tightly enough when you never ever turn off the lights at night" kind of stuff. I might *think* it but then I let it pass.

[Anonymous]

You are a mom. I'm sorry to report back that nobody in your family cares what you do UNTIL YOU STOP DOING IT. Even then it's touch and go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I definitely wrote lots of similar type laments on DCUM years ago, when my kids were little. Here's my perspective, with 9 and 11 year olds.

1) the baby/toddler/preschool years suck. If you can outsource, do it. They need constant surveillance and I figured out that DH could not be home with the kids and do anything else. like you think that during a nap he could wash bottles and tidy up but he would zone out on his phone, whereas I feel like I used every minute. But that was my mind racing with all the crap that we needed to do while he needed (wanted?) to chill out. More broadly, multi-tasking was not his strong suit and with little kids you are always doing it, or deciding that some chaos and mess is okay.Exampple He would try to take them to the market and do a shop and would return home with the kids, the food, but having left our expensive stroller in the parking lot (yes, this happened more than once).

We fought a lot during this time over stupid stuff, which was just a reflection of each of us being tired, stressed and feeling underappreciated. He really did alot less than I did with the kids and around the house and we both worked. I also had strong ideas about what we needed to do for the kids, that he didn't necessarily thing was so critical....but these relaxed over the years. Its important when they are young that you are vigilant in the bath, that you watch them at the park, that you make sure they are eating well, getting their naps, doing the lessons, seeing the doctors on time, etc. There is also a ton that you need to notice, because the kids wont verbalize for you. Frankly, our only survival mechanism was an amazing nanny (we ditched daycare when #2 was on the way) who basically managed what we were unable to do, which was watch our kids and keep things relatively calm in our home and help around the edges.

2) I stopped anticipating so much. I still do ALL the paperwork for schools, dentists, doctors, camps, activities, you name it. I still plan all the vacations , I still get all the clothes, i plan and oversee all renovations and finances (but he meets all household repair people and does small fixes himself). I am the planner in our home. But DH participates more and more as he's less stressed with ittle kids and our lives are not as crazed. . I make an appointment but put it on his calendar, so he takes the kids to dentist, doctors, etc. I make a list of stuff we need but he shops. I declare that I am making dinner mon tue wed, but thurs and friday are on him. He knows by now that there has to be a vegetable but otherwise I dont comment if its pasta/ burgers/pasta/burgers.

3) honestly it gets easier because the kids become independent and can do a ton for themselves. that has been the biggest change. so I may do more, but we each have a smaller load. And DH is a lot better at parenting older kids.


The other issue I hear is about feeling unappreciated and small criticisms. I get it and I'm sorry to hear it. I think the early years are tough. We both kind of hated each other for a while. I thought at times we would divorce. We rarely fight now, at least over the stupid stuff.

In sum, my advice would be--back off, dont do so much, drop some of the resentment , not because its not justified but because it fills you with negativity and you dont need it. I also believe your DH knows /feels your resentment and thus is defensive and critical. Take some time for yourself. I always found an afternoon on my own--yoga and lunch with a friend--- put me in a much better mood and DH realized that too and made it happen. et some things go. Outsource other things if you can. Realize it will pass and what you're going through is common, and unfortunate, but not necessarily the way it has to or always will be.

I agree with all of this. I have a 7 and 10 yo. Which basically says, yes, it is uncompletely unfair to you when the kids are young and the only real solution is the let up in the work (the kids growing up) rather than any fix that got my partner to help more. I did hold onto resentment for a long time, and maybe still do, because I felt like I was drowning and someone who was supposed to love me and be my partner, just kind of shrugged and let it happen, but it's a lot better.