I feel very unappreciated as a mother

[Anonymous]

My husband has no idea how much I handle, take care of, anticipate for our family. Doctors appts, diapers, food in fridge, gifts for bday parties, age appropriate toys, swimming lessons...it all just magically happens and appears...not. It’s because I research, plan, execute, and manage.

Hardly any of these things go noticed. I’d like some acknowledgment and thanks for what I do.

Yet the second I forget something or do something wrong...he is the first to jump on me for it.

I know I’m a great mom and I have a wonderful relationship with my children. I adore them! But it’s so tiresome for all my work to go unnoticed- as if it’s expected that those things are what I, alone, should be doing. Fwiw, I’m not a sahm. I’m actually the breadwinner, but that’s for another post. It feels so hypocritical and frankly pisses me the F off that I get no thanks or attention for all that I do....but god forbid I get something wrong...

[Anonymous]

That blows. I do all that stuff, but I am a SAHM and mostly it's appreciated. Partly because I point it out. But I actually think the much bigger problem is jumping on you for forgetting something or making a mistake. My husband might never thank me for ordering diapers out of thoughtlessness, but to be upset with me if I forgot would be unkind and unfair. Unkindness is worse than thoughtlessness.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered writing out a list of each task you do and then telling him you're overwhelmed and which tasks would he like to take on to balance the household workload since you're both, at best, equal partners?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered writing out a list of each task you do and then telling him you're overwhelmed and which tasks would he like to take on to balance the household workload since you're both, at best, equal partners?

We did this once- i asked him to take on dishes and laundry.

The sink is consistently full of dirty dishes. He will do the laundry- but not put it away. For example- he will take kid clothes out of the dryer and throw them on kid's bed. Kid is 2.

It seems like everything ends up being put back on MY to do list. Its lazy at best, rude as f at worst.

I often feel taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered writing out a list of each task you do and then telling him you're overwhelmed and which tasks would he like to take on to balance the household workload since you're both, at best, equal partners?

We did this once- i asked him to take on dishes and laundry.

The sink is consistently full of dirty dishes. He will do the laundry- but not put it away. For example- he will take kid clothes out of the dryer and throw them on kid's bed. Kid is 2.

It seems like everything ends up being put back on MY to do list. Its lazy at best, rude as f at worst.

I often feel taken advantage of.

Dude sounds like a loser. Lazy, selfish, unappreciative. What do you like about being married to him?

[Anonymous]

So stop. You're letting this martyr thing happen.

[Anonymous]

Sounds so frustrating. Can you take a trip by yourself and do as little prep as possible for it?

Or the next time you get criticized for missing something say “you’re right, I messed up. I am dropping balls. How about getting b day presents be your job?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds so frustrating. Can you take a trip by yourself and do as little prep as possible for it?

Or the next time you get criticized for missing something say “you’re right, I messed up. I am dropping balls. How about getting b day presents be your job?”

Yes- I'm going to do this at some point this summer. Just truly check out and let him deal. I don't want to be a martyr! Honestly! But it's hard for me to separate the line between "let him deal and figure out dinner/packing kid school bag/logistics of xyz" and "are the kids going to suffer/not have what they need/be where they are supposed to be"

does that make sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds so frustrating. Can you take a trip by yourself and do as little prep as possible for it?

Or the next time you get criticized for missing something say “you’re right, I messed up. I am dropping balls. How about getting b day presents be your job?”

Yes- I'm going to do this at some point this summer. Just truly check out and let him deal. I don't want to be a martyr! Honestly! But it's hard for me to separate the line between "let him deal and figure out dinner/packing kid school bag/logistics of xyz" and "are the kids going to suffer/not have what they need/be where they are supposed to be"

does that make sense?

DP but yes. I really did this. It was hard. Balls did get dropped. There were consequences for the kids. But at the end of the day my DH isn't a total monster and did learn.

[Anonymous]

It gets a bit easier when the kids get older. But I wouldn’t take any crap about something I forgot to handle if I were handling everything else. I’d bite dh’s head off if he tried that. Snap back at him if he’s being disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So stop. You're letting this martyr thing happen.

Not sure if this is the case with OP, but I have a friend who frequently complains her husband doesn't do anything. Meanwhile, when he does do things, and it isn't to her liking (not that she specifies in advance) she complains and criticizes him. When I suggest she let go of the reins and allow him to do things his way (since the main goal is to have the tasks completed), she doesn't want to hear it. Nor does she really take breaks for herself. Honestly the stress she puts on herself makes me concerned for her health.

Godspeed OP! As long as your kid isn't in danger, step back if you can.

[Anonymous]

Weekends or a week away, you gone, they are left on their own, will do your family a world of good.

[Anonymous]

(ps ~ don't "prepare" the household for this in order to take your trip)

[Anonymous]

I can't say I feel unappreciated, but DH just didn't SEE all that I do. So I dropped a lot of balls, specifically his balls. I stopped sending his parents and siblings presents. I put calendar notices on his iphone of when their birthdays were and I often say "Did you send your mom a mother's day card/gift?" but he doesn't and they just don't get anything anymore. I even have a stack of birthday cards and amazon gift cards that he could stuff inside, but he doesn't.

I'm just letting the guilt go. If I don't want to do something- I just don't do it. I also made DH in charge of tasks. That way there's no wondering who will do the task- we know exactly who should do it and he can't not do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(ps ~ don't "prepare" the household for this in order to take your trip)

Yes, this is good advice and I will take it.
I am realizing how much I do, unconciously, to make my DH's life easier and his time with the kids easier.
For example- if I have something to do one evening and dinner and bedtime is DH's responsibility- I will often make dinner and have everything ready for him.

He has never done the same for me.

I shouldnt have to work for my free time or earn my keep. I don't do it with the intention of being a martyr or freeing DH from responsibility. But I know that kids would eat PBJ and DH will just dial it in.

I know kids will not suffer from not eating a veggie or fruit. But why do I have to just accept that DH will dial it in?

I guess I have to start somewhere. From now on, when it is DH's turn to be with the kids in the evening- no more prepping.