Family rift - rethinking immediate family size

[Anonymous]

Consider adopting an older child, OP. You will help a child find a loving home. You'll have the large family gatherings you want. You won't have to go through the baby phase or put your body through another pregnancy at an older age. It's win/win and you would be doing real good in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really understand what your title has to do with considering a 4th child. I don’t think bringing another child into your family should have anything to do with your relationship with your parents or your ILs.

I don’t get this either?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have realized that we aren't super close to his family or my family (other than my sister) and it has made us rethink our immediate family size. We currently have 3 kids who are 6 and under. We are debating about possibly having a 4th. We have realized that in the future what matters is our family unit and we have always wanted a large family. Would you have another or not? We are both 38 years old.

Forget about your relationships to your families of origin. It is irrelevant.

You have 3 children already, brought into a burning world with shrinking resources and overpopulation. Thinking about THEIR LIVES, what they will endure in their lifetimes and how your families use of resources now impacts that, is having more kids a benefit to THEM, or just a selfish endeavor for you and your DH?

You’ve more than replaced yourselves. Save some resources for others.

[Anonymous]

If you all are the ones with bad family relationships, I’m sure some of your kids will follow in your footsteps and cut ties with you too. What goes around comes around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:100% no

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we don't come from dysfunctional homes but have grown apart over the years from DHs family and my family mostly due to political beliefs. My mother in law has passed and my FIL is much older and we aren't very close with my SIL. My parents have become very Trump/Fox news loving people who just don't share common beliefs with DH and I any more. We are close with my sister and her family however.

So when you have different beliefs from a family member you cut them off? Try to be more open-minded. And stop having kids until you are.

[Anonymous]

You should be making the effort to see your FIL. He is a widow.

[Anonymous]

Having more children to compensate for failing adult relationships, whether it's marriages or with parents, can put a lot of unfair pressure on the youngest. I'd put in some good faith work on your adult relationships first and re-evaluate in six months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I reading this correctly? You want more children to take the place of adult family members who have grown distant?

OP here - NO! Absolutely not. We just realized that our immediate family unit is what is most important and in the future it will be us and our kids who we will be with for vacations and celebrations and day to day life. Not our parents or siblings. And we are debating if adding to our family would add more joy. It is not to replace an adult family member.

Ummm, one day when you're kids are adults you're going to be the "parents" you're referring to and your kids will be the "siblings" when they all make their own families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we don't come from dysfunctional homes but have grown apart over the years from DHs family and my family mostly due to political beliefs. My mother in law has passed and my FIL is much older and we aren't very close with my SIL. My parents have become very Trump/Fox news loving people who just don't share common beliefs with DH and I any more. We are close with my sister and her family however.

So when you have different beliefs from a family member you cut them off? Try to be more open-minded. And stop having kids until you are.

Exactly. OP you are petty, so good luck having good relationships with your kids later on when they become independent and develop opinions of their own.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you want another kid. There's nothing wrong with that. At 38, you should start trying asap. I had mine st 36 and 40 and feel I couldn't stretch my time and finances for a third. But if you feel confident you can raise a fourth safely and comfortably, I'd say go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we don't come from dysfunctional homes but have grown apart over the years from DHs family and my family mostly due to political beliefs. My mother in law has passed and my FIL is much older and we aren't very close with my SIL. My parents have become very Trump/Fox news loving people who just don't share common beliefs with DH and I any more. We are close with my sister and her family however.

The same thing could happen between you and your own kids as they age. Having a lot of kids doesn't necessarily keep you close.

[Anonymous]

“Lunatic woman who only loves family members who believe exact same thing as she does is contemplating expanding family.”

The answer to your question is no. No you should not have another. Your poor existing kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I reading this correctly? You want more children to take the place of adult family members who have grown distant?

OP here - NO! Absolutely not. We just realized that our immediate family unit is what is most important and in the future it will be us and our kids who we will be with for vacations and celebrations and day to day life. Not our parents or siblings. And we are debating if adding to our family would add more joy. It is not to replace an adult family member.

Ummm, one day when you're kids are adults you're going to be the "parents" you're referring to and your kids will be the "siblings" when they all make their own families.

These are the sorts of in laws who drive wedges with their kids' spouses. The in laws who think the original family is "the unit" when in reality each child makes their own, new family when they marry and have kids. The parents become auxiliary grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you want another kid. There's nothing wrong with that. At 38, you should start trying asap. I had mine st 36 and 40 and feel I couldn't stretch my time and finances for a third. But if you feel confident you can raise a fourth safely and comfortably, I'd say go for it.

PS There are no guarantees either way about whether you'll get along in the future.